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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think pregnant women should be offered a seat?

377 replies

Hufflepods · 18/07/2023 08:39

Travelling at least twice a day with changes in London and I’m noticing that it’s less and less common to offer a pregnant woman a seat.
I feel like it wasn’t like this during my last pregnancy but this time it almost seems to rare for someone to offer!
I’m 34 weeks pregnant and due to a mixture of sickness and low blood pressure I get really faint in stuffy, busy spaces ie standing on a busy tube. I’m sure that isn’t really unique and many pregnant women feel similarly.
Occasionally someone else also standing will go up to people sitting and ask can one of them let me sit down.
One time I felt truly horrific and could feel my head spinning I asked the people who were in or near the priority seats but they all pretended not to hear me ask about 3 times and then I fainted so that really put me off asking in future.
I kind of feel like the people who look up multiple times and see you standing in front of them then look back down and ignore you are exactly the sort of people to ignore or say no when you explicitly asked which was sort of proven when I’ve asked’
As a side note I’m 34 weeks so a pretty substantial sized bump, fairly petite in general so it’s obviously bump and isn’t hidden under coats due to the weather, plus I wear the badge.
AIBU to think people are just ruder than ever now?

Is it now an unreasonable opinion to think pregnant woman should be offered a seat?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Nimbus9000 · 18/07/2023 21:28

YANBU. Actually I think all women should be prioritised to have seats and men should stand, unless they are old/disabled/injured. Women are much more likely to have non-obvious reasons to need to sit down - early pregnancy, morning sickness, period cramps, pain from endometriosis, ovulation pain, hormonal migraine, birth injury etc. Young men in particular should be expected to stand by default.

Oftentimes · 18/07/2023 21:32

Fucking hell. This thread is mental. Women should now be prioritised for seating. 😂

Hibiscrubbed · 18/07/2023 21:46

Oftentimes · 18/07/2023 21:32

Fucking hell. This thread is mental. Women should now be prioritised for seating. 😂

I suspect that that poster was taking the piss…

However, what isn’t mental is a pregnant woman having a rough time of it, asking passengers if she might have a seat, and feeling a bit depressed that they ignored her to the point she passed out.

I am routinely and pointedly ignored on the tube being pregnant. The difference is, I’m currently not in need of a seat so I can get away it. I just enjoy giving people narrowed stares when they spot my bump and try to look away.

AnotherTownAnotherTrain · 18/07/2023 22:04

Nimbus9000 · 18/07/2023 21:28

YANBU. Actually I think all women should be prioritised to have seats and men should stand, unless they are old/disabled/injured. Women are much more likely to have non-obvious reasons to need to sit down - early pregnancy, morning sickness, period cramps, pain from endometriosis, ovulation pain, hormonal migraine, birth injury etc. Young men in particular should be expected to stand by default.

Why not just let those who need seats ask for them or those who don't need them offer them? Either way does the job!

AnotherTownAnotherTrain · 18/07/2023 22:05

Oftentimes · 18/07/2023 21:32

Fucking hell. This thread is mental. Women should now be prioritised for seating. 😂

I'm all for women's rights but that comment about all women being prioritised takes the Biscuit

ilovesooty · 18/07/2023 22:08

I doubt if @Nimbus9000 was taking the piss.

Sadly I think she was serious.

funinthesun19 · 18/07/2023 22:13

Yanbu. I actually think some people would take great pleasure in watching a pregnant woman stand. ”Pregnant not ill”, that sort of stuff. It’s just nasty and unnecessary, and misogynistic to boot.

Bellajac · 18/07/2023 22:14

I travel on the tube every day. I've never seen a heavily pregnant woman expected to stand. Someone always offers a seat. I disagree with you OP as I haven't seen this happen.

Skinthin · 18/07/2023 22:15

JudgeRudy · 18/07/2023 21:03

I don't think a pregnant woman should automatically be offered a seat no. I'd probably offer my seat to someone I thought was struggling but if it was a commuter on a train I might not as I'd assume it was their choice not to reserve a seat (I don't give up my seat on planes for same reason).
I think it's down to you to ask if no one offers, but only if you really can't manage rather than you're feeling a bit uncomfortable.

😡😡😡😡

Whataretheodds · 18/07/2023 22:17

funinthesun19 · 18/07/2023 22:13

Yanbu. I actually think some people would take great pleasure in watching a pregnant woman stand. ”Pregnant not ill”, that sort of stuff. It’s just nasty and unnecessary, and misogynistic to boot.

Yes. Like the poster last week who thinks pregnancy is an excuse for not single-handedly running a small nation.

Skinthin · 18/07/2023 22:19

funinthesun19 · 18/07/2023 22:13

Yanbu. I actually think some people would take great pleasure in watching a pregnant woman stand. ”Pregnant not ill”, that sort of stuff. It’s just nasty and unnecessary, and misogynistic to boot.

100% misogynistic and nasty. The signs literally say that particular seats are reserved for disabled / old and pregnant. People like @JudgeRudy should honestly be ashamed of themselves.

calmandcaffeinated · 18/07/2023 22:20

Bellajac · 18/07/2023 22:14

I travel on the tube every day. I've never seen a heavily pregnant woman expected to stand. Someone always offers a seat. I disagree with you OP as I haven't seen this happen.

This is called observer bias. I haven't observed it but I can definitely believe it happened. Just because you don't see or believe it doesn't mean it doesn't happen to other people. This is why issues like racism still exist as often we don't observe it ourselves.

AnotherTownAnotherTrain · 18/07/2023 22:39

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 18/07/2023 08:58

The people who say they are so zoned out they don’t even notice the pregnant woman standing in front of them- maybe they should consider not zoning out to that degree. Radical I know but when you’re in a public space in which your behaviour impacts on others zoning out completely is just as selfish as noticing but ignoring.

Sometimes it is due to anxiety, dissociation, tiredness. Everyone's needs are valid. Compassion both sides is needed.

AnotherTownAnotherTrain · 18/07/2023 22:40

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 18/07/2023 08:58

The people who say they are so zoned out they don’t even notice the pregnant woman standing in front of them- maybe they should consider not zoning out to that degree. Radical I know but when you’re in a public space in which your behaviour impacts on others zoning out completely is just as selfish as noticing but ignoring.

Zoning out isn't selfish. What would be selfish is refusing to give up the seat when asked (unless they needed it themselves).

AnotherTownAnotherTrain · 18/07/2023 22:41

popoping · 18/07/2023 09:00

I agree about the zoning out thing we need an awareness of our surroundings and definitely don't sit in the priority seat at all unless you're prepared to keep at eye out for someone who needs it.

I always sit in the priority seat anyway . If someone asks I just apologise and say I'm also in need of it. The trouble is I get judged for that . By people who don't know me. We can't assume someone isn't in need because they look fine.

Shoutinglagerlagerlager · 18/07/2023 22:44

It says a lot about our society that we even need “priority seats” on public transport. In many other countries every seat is essentially a priority seat because people automatically jump up and offer their seats to those who are elderly/pregnant/holding a baby.

Hawkins0001 · 18/07/2023 22:44

I guess part of the pickle would be how or knowing if a lady is pregnant vs a large person? @Hufflepods

M2M · 18/07/2023 22:47

YANBU.

When I was pregnant with my second at 37 weeks I was on the train and the journey itself was around 25 mins and of course it was crowded so I had to stand in the aisle. I remember 2 men blatantly saw me and my massive bump then closed their eyes and pretended to sleep. It was quite funny to watch 2 grown men just suddenly fall asleep within seconds, it's a skill.

I do find it's dog eat dog these days when it comes to commuting, people don't feel the need to offer their seats and even if they do, they tend to be women 99% of the time. Men need to do better and have a think as to how the heck they came into this world.

Yellowdays · 18/07/2023 22:47

I offer seats and have taught my children to do so. Courtesy and consideration for others costs nothing. It's mostly clear who is in needs. That's enough for he. I wouldn't doubt most people who asked for a seat, in addition.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 18/07/2023 22:48

Nimbus9000 · 18/07/2023 21:28

YANBU. Actually I think all women should be prioritised to have seats and men should stand, unless they are old/disabled/injured. Women are much more likely to have non-obvious reasons to need to sit down - early pregnancy, morning sickness, period cramps, pain from endometriosis, ovulation pain, hormonal migraine, birth injury etc. Young men in particular should be expected to stand by default.

Errrr no thanks. It’s not 1823!

ForTheSnarkWasABoojumYouSee · 18/07/2023 23:18

Hawkins0001 · 18/07/2023 22:44

I guess part of the pickle would be how or knowing if a lady is pregnant vs a large person? @Hufflepods

Yes it's so difficult. If only there were some way to be certain that a woman is pregnant and not just fat, so that you could offer her a seat without any risk of giving offence.

Maybe she could wear a badge so that you'd know for sure? It could say something whimsical like "Baby on Board"

Hawkins0001 · 18/07/2023 23:29

ForTheSnarkWasABoojumYouSee · 18/07/2023 23:18

Yes it's so difficult. If only there were some way to be certain that a woman is pregnant and not just fat, so that you could offer her a seat without any risk of giving offence.

Maybe she could wear a badge so that you'd know for sure? It could say something whimsical like "Baby on Board"

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Sometimes I guess it may be obvious but then how are people to know otherwise unless they ask to sit?

AnotherTownAnotherTrain · 18/07/2023 23:31

Yellowdays · 18/07/2023 22:47

I offer seats and have taught my children to do so. Courtesy and consideration for others costs nothing. It's mostly clear who is in needs. That's enough for he. I wouldn't doubt most people who asked for a seat, in addition.

I should hope you wouldn't doubt anyone who asked. I have been doubted because I have a hidden disabilities. Please don't doubt a stranger's word for it. I don't look disabled but I am as much in need as someone who is visibly disabled.

Hawkins0001 · 18/07/2023 23:42

AnotherTownAnotherTrain · 18/07/2023 23:31

I should hope you wouldn't doubt anyone who asked. I have been doubted because I have a hidden disabilities. Please don't doubt a stranger's word for it. I don't look disabled but I am as much in need as someone who is visibly disabled.

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If they asked me then I'd let whoever sit that needed it.

AnotherTownAnotherTrain · 18/07/2023 23:46

Hawkins0001 · 18/07/2023 23:42

If they asked me then I'd let whoever sit that needed it.

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Thank you . Yes, that's the way it should be . Giving the benefit of the doubt. People don't have any real reason to go round claiming they are pregnant or disabled when they aren't just to get a seat, so I doubt it's common.