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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think pregnant women should be offered a seat?

377 replies

Hufflepods · 18/07/2023 08:39

Travelling at least twice a day with changes in London and I’m noticing that it’s less and less common to offer a pregnant woman a seat.
I feel like it wasn’t like this during my last pregnancy but this time it almost seems to rare for someone to offer!
I’m 34 weeks pregnant and due to a mixture of sickness and low blood pressure I get really faint in stuffy, busy spaces ie standing on a busy tube. I’m sure that isn’t really unique and many pregnant women feel similarly.
Occasionally someone else also standing will go up to people sitting and ask can one of them let me sit down.
One time I felt truly horrific and could feel my head spinning I asked the people who were in or near the priority seats but they all pretended not to hear me ask about 3 times and then I fainted so that really put me off asking in future.
I kind of feel like the people who look up multiple times and see you standing in front of them then look back down and ignore you are exactly the sort of people to ignore or say no when you explicitly asked which was sort of proven when I’ve asked’
As a side note I’m 34 weeks so a pretty substantial sized bump, fairly petite in general so it’s obviously bump and isn’t hidden under coats due to the weather, plus I wear the badge.
AIBU to think people are just ruder than ever now?

Is it now an unreasonable opinion to think pregnant woman should be offered a seat?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
ColdHandsHotHead · 18/07/2023 17:57

I'm more likely to offer a seat to a pregnant woman than one with children, to be honest. The last time I did was on a very very hot and crowded bus in London and the look of relief on her face spoke volumes.

FinallyLeavingDenver · 18/07/2023 17:59

@Louloulouenna I can’t argue with someone who has issues with comprehension. Enjoy waiting around to get offended by made up scenarios.

Louloulouenna · 18/07/2023 18:06

Hardly a made up scenario when the thread is absolutely full of people desperate for a seat while selfish people sitting in the priority seats pretend not to notice.

MitchellMummy · 18/07/2023 18:08

When I last offered seat to pregnant woman there were many people far younger than me just ignoring her. I also offer to elderly people or young people with leg in plaster etc. Basic human decency.

LeviJeanQueen · 18/07/2023 18:08

They didn’t need to move as there were no pregnant / elderly/ disabled people needing a seat.

😂

Mumsnet is fucking crazy.

oldtree54 · 18/07/2023 18:12

To be honest I don't immediately offer my seat to pregnant women, as not all of them need or want it. Elderly and obviously disabled people are a bit different.

I would move if asked though.

Louloulouenna · 18/07/2023 18:15

Fgs, the point is that so many posters are saying that anyone occupying a priority seat absolutely cannot be asked to move even when confronted with someone who has a medical need. That’s what is crazy.

AvanGelist · 18/07/2023 18:28

Louloulouenna · 18/07/2023 18:15

Fgs, the point is that so many posters are saying that anyone occupying a priority seat absolutely cannot be asked to move even when confronted with someone who has a medical need. That’s what is crazy.

There's been quite a derail.
Of course people in priority seats (or even normal seats actually) should move for someone who has a medical need.
But as many disabilities are invisible you can't single out any one person and ask them to move.
It's a bit like the blue badge police...

Louloulouenna · 18/07/2023 18:40

But you don’t need to single one person out. They are usually in sets of 4 so just a general polite question whether anyone would mind giving up a priority seat as due to your age/disability/pregnancy you need to sit.

Original poster
Hufflepods · 18/07/2023 18:43

@thehonscupboard I worked in retail for a few years and sometimes after 10 hour shifts on my feet I would really resent people who clearly worked office jobs who were sat down as they'd clearly been sat down ALL DAY LONG.

People who work an office style job don’t necessarily sit down all day long, that’s a bit of a generalisation.
I work an office based role but im also out and about for large chunks of the day in meetings at client locations.

OP posts:
AvanGelist · 18/07/2023 18:43

Louloulouenna · 18/07/2023 18:40

But you don’t need to single one person out. They are usually in sets of 4 so just a general polite question whether anyone would mind giving up a priority seat as due to your age/disability/pregnancy you need to sit.

But if nobody gives up a seat they're not necessarily selfish arseholes. They might need it to.
I do think FWIW it's highly unlikely construction workers have a disability that requires a seat after having been on their feet all day. But there you go.

It's sort of like the tragedy of the commons as well. Everyone thinks someone else will give up their seat. So nobody does.

ThinWomansBrain · 18/07/2023 18:47

Yes, ideally you should be offered - but if not just ask
I hope the people you had asked then fainted in front of felt really shit.

I'm not pregnant, but 60+ - I find I get offered a seat on the way in to work, but rarely on the way home or at evenings weekends. (but certainly offer my seat if I saw someone less able to stand than me)

Do you wear one of the TFL badges?

GwinGwyn · 18/07/2023 18:49

People on public transport are generally in their own worlds. Don’t wait for them to offer, you need to ask. If they say no then that’s another kettle of fish, particularly if they are in priority seats, but people have busy lives and their minds on other things. I do my best to offer up my seat when it’s crowded and I think other people might need it more than me, but I’m not perfect or a mind reader. I think the badges are a bit naff to be honest, because you can be pregnant and having a perfectly fine day and not need a seat. It’s like people leaving L plates on a car when the learner driver isn’t driving. Walking out of Caerphilly station the other day on a very slanted walkway there was an older lady and I just said: “God this weather is oppressive, let alone carrying heavy stuff! I’ve only got a little handbag, can I help you with your shopping?” But that’s because I had got off the train, wasn’t reading my book and was focusing on walking and could see the world around me.

arlequin · 18/07/2023 20:27

oldtree54 · 18/07/2023 18:12

To be honest I don't immediately offer my seat to pregnant women, as not all of them need or want it. Elderly and obviously disabled people are a bit different.

I would move if asked though.

I wouldn't offer automatically. I'm quite shy and would find it hard to ask. The priority seats have pictures of pregnant women on them specifically to remind people.

arlequin · 18/07/2023 20:27

*I would offer!!

calmandcaffeinated · 18/07/2023 20:37

OP I am really sorry that you experienced this. Firstly you are in no way unreasonable. Secondly you have done nothing wrong and don't warrant any blame here. If people don't agree with you that is their issue and I think it shows a lack of empathy across the board.

On the note of asking for seats, I was so nervous about doing this when I was pregnant that I would go out of my way to walk to the end of the platform to guarantee a seat. I just wanted a seat. On the odd occasion I needed a seat then I always went to those sitting in priority seats and asked them directly if I could sit their (a tap on the shoulder more often). I explained that I am pregnant and need to sit. This was on a train and not tube so I knew I could get a guard if need be but it seemed to work. I suggest you just do this until someone gets up. If they don't then go to the next person and just do this one by one down the carriage. It will prove a point if people don't move and someone will feel embarrassed not to move. I'm just sorry you have to do this and not feel you can be offered one Daffodil

Skinthin · 18/07/2023 20:49

SirCharlesRainier · 18/07/2023 08:50

Me too. Maybe they should do a badge for the likes of us! E.g. "I'll give you my seat happily but you need to ask"

Show quote history

You are supposed to offer your seat though. There are literally signs everywhere reminding people of this. No excuse. The onus should not be on people to have to ask.

Skinthin · 18/07/2023 20:51

AlligatorPsychopath · 18/07/2023 09:02

It's a necessary psychological coping mechanism when you have strangers jammed in your armpit. It's mildly stressful to have people you don't know much closer to you than you'd normally tolerate, so most people need to abstract their brains slightly. Or y'know they're just reading a book, or looking in the other direction. You can never rely on people intuiting your needs; you need to be able to voice them.

Show quote history

If you are sitting on a seat on public transport, you are supposed to offer it to those less able to stand. If you can’t manage this basic level of awareness and curtesy then don’t sit on a seat.

JudgeRudy · 18/07/2023 20:58

" I fainted so that really put me off asking in future"....
I dont get your reasoning. Surely that would make you more likely not less likely.

JudgeRudy · 18/07/2023 21:03

I don't think a pregnant woman should automatically be offered a seat no. I'd probably offer my seat to someone I thought was struggling but if it was a commuter on a train I might not as I'd assume it was their choice not to reserve a seat (I don't give up my seat on planes for same reason).
I think it's down to you to ask if no one offers, but only if you really can't manage rather than you're feeling a bit uncomfortable.

Original poster
Hufflepods · 18/07/2023 21:05

JudgeRudy · 18/07/2023 21:03

I don't think a pregnant woman should automatically be offered a seat no. I'd probably offer my seat to someone I thought was struggling but if it was a commuter on a train I might not as I'd assume it was their choice not to reserve a seat (I don't give up my seat on planes for same reason).
I think it's down to you to ask if no one offers, but only if you really can't manage rather than you're feeling a bit uncomfortable.

Most public transport is not at all like a plane though, buses, tubes and rail lines in London don’t have reserved seating so it’s not a pregnant woman’s choice to not have a seat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hufflepods · 18/07/2023 21:09

@GwinGwyn I think the badges are a bit naff to be honest, because you can be pregnant and having a perfectly fine day and not need a seat.

It sounds like many pregnant women just can’t win. So many posters saying they wouldn’t ever offer because you can’t assume someone is pregnant but you’re complaining that the badges are naff.

Surely being perfectly fine one day and needing a seat the next is irrelevant? A pregnant woman doesn’t need to wear the badge so it’s fairly safe to assume if she has taken the time to wear one it’s because she would prefer a seat for various reasons.

OP posts:
AnotherTownAnotherTrain · 18/07/2023 21:11

It is nice when people do offer, but sometimes people don't want to risk getting it wrong if the woman asking isn't pregnant. Or maybe they didn't notice you get on. I get very anxious travelling and being around people I don't know so tend to bury myself in a book or my device. it's not that I'm rude it's my way of coping (yes my CPTS D and the social anxiety linked to it is diagnosed and no I can't drive or afford to keep a car running)

Of course if someone asked and the person refused and they didn't need the seat, the person refusing is the one BU.

I have a hidden physical disability too so I'm not usually in the position of being able to give up my seat, but if I were, of course I would gladly give mine up if someone asked. Be rude not to!

arlequin · 18/07/2023 21:12

It's not just feeling tired etc. It's the risk of a sudden jolt which could cause you to fall and be dangerous. There's a reason for the signs being everywhere.

AnotherTownAnotherTrain · 18/07/2023 21:18

Louloulouenna · 18/07/2023 18:06

Hardly a made up scenario when the thread is absolutely full of people desperate for a seat while selfish people sitting in the priority seats pretend not to notice.

But you don't know that those people don't also need a seat. Yeah I know it's unlikely to be the majority of people in that position (though I do know some bus routes where they serve care or retirement home areas and I would say 90% of the people waiting there need a seat) but the trouble is you don't always know which ones are genuine. I wear a hidden disability lanyard, and on bad days I will have my stick with me anyway, but not everyone wants to wear a lanyard.