What happens if the scapegoat child becomes successful in life and has a happy marriage?

[AliceMay55]

Would a Narc parent want the scapegoat to have an unhappy marriage?
asking because my husband routinely tells them sad stories and makes it appear as though we are quite miserable together. It’s absolutely not the case in reality. He says they assume things, but why would they?

Inlaws are mighty pissed right now the moment they heard DH got a big pay rise. Of course. It’s about something else!

Yes, I think so. Parents that have scapegoated a child as in called them liars, theives, blame them for things going wrong and pretend they’ve sacrificed everything for them…gosh yes narcissistic parents cannot stand to see their child succeed and be happy. They are only happy when their child is miserable and feels like shit. If he told them he was successful and happy they’d

• start draining (or trying to drain) him of money through emotional blackmail
• insult him for thinking he’s better than them now he’s a big man about town
• if he’s working class, he will be called a class traitor and a disappointment to the family
• they will also deploy whatever they can to drive a wedge between him and you & any children to make your relationship on the rocks

I’d trust your DH that he knows his parents and that he’s spinning them a yarn for his and your protection.

If the "goat" does well, is happy, is successful in work, in relationships and especially if they clearly do better than the narcs, the narcs will be furious, unhappy, raging.
If the goat can lose all contact it is much for the best. If there is contact, the more you show that you, or the goat has done well you should enjoy the gloatfest.
Good luck smashing the narcs!

Mine undoubtedly still tries to make it all about her still. "Oh she's too good for us now.." or "we never see our grandchild, for reasons unbeknownst to us"

I haven't spoken to her in 15 years. I'm doing pretty well thank you. I'm happy with my decision to go NC. She, however I'd imagine is still seething I had the audacity to break away from her toxic control and enjoy my life without her in it. 😀

Theyd take absolute credit for any success.

Its a shame your DH cannot break free of their evil influence and is just confirming their narrative that he is in an unhappy marriage ( when you are not )

I cannot understand why parents would want anything but the best for their children, but there are horrid parents about.

@ConnieTucker this totally. Mine said she gave me the drive to succeed by kicking me out on the streets aged 15. Sure. Neglect/drive to succeed, very similar 🤔

I can't comment on the happy relationship part as ime scapegoat children are generally emotionally quite screwed up and need a LOT of work to not fall back into old patterns - something I haven't achieved yet.

When I told my mother I was getting married she looked like thunder, only perked up once she was able to talk about my golden child sister again (who had finally managed to learn to cook at the grand old age of 33).

I am successful in my job and everyday life other than social interactions. Every success I had, she managed to sour somehow.

Be it getting great A-levels (she criticised me for the one A despite me being top of my entire year, getting more A-levels and more at A* than anyone else).

She refused to speak to me for 4 whole weeks while I made plans to move abroad, getting accepted at any university I applied to.

She was so happy when me getting pregnant and then left meant my degree was at risk, but miserable when I did it anyway, despite doing the whole thing as a lone parent.

She was even more miserable when I bought my first house, knowing my sister would never have the money (no doubt by now she has been gifted enough for her own deposit; I had to work for every penny).

She loved it when I got divorced and has conspired with my ex ever since. She has alienated me from the entire family after my last grandparent died.

I severed contact completely many years ago now and I am happier for it.

Scapegoat isn't really the word I'd use to describe myself but my mum definitely has narcissistic tendencies and I am the less favoured child.

I have a very happy marriage and we're getting on fine with our child. My mum is just contrary about everything. If I'm happy about something, she'll find a way to downplay it or burst my bubble. If I'm sad about something, that thing is actually great and I'm unappreciative. My husband can do no wrong, so I'm always in the wrong if we disagree on something. I'm sure it will be the same with my children when they get older.

OMG we've been NC with DH parents for 20 years and everything described here is absolutely the way they are. For years blamed myself for not being able to smooth things over. It all came to a head the day we bought a bigger house than theirs!

My parents were just thrilled for us and I really didn't understand what was going on.

Me too, although I was 16. But I was dressed only in my nightie!

OP, they will be FURIOUS. They will do everything they can to fuck things up either directly or indirectly by undermining the scapegoat. They will remind him how shit he really is, cos they really know him and the people supporting him right now just haven’t realised what a loser he is.

Is there a reason why he’s still in contact with them?

Still trying to break mine free. Watching with interest

They dont want happiness that they could never conceive of for themselves.

If the scapegoat child has a successful and happy life, they won't be around to see it. I'm a great believer that if you have the ability to break free of all of the misconceptions you'd known growing up with narcs, that you'd drop tge narcs as part of your happier life.

My MIL is a narc and my wife is the scapegoat, in their case my MIL is intensely jealous of my wife and will often say how she is so surprised my wife has done well for herself as she always thought her brother was smarter. She tries to sabotage happy moments, completely ignores them or makes them about herself by having some kind of health crisis, starting drama so the attention is on her or trying to play the victim, whereas she heaps praise upon my BIL and is intensely proud of him.

My BIL works as a HCA and gets heaps and heaps of praise for this and how clever he is and how important he is and all the things he does at work, whereas my wife is a band 8 and she couldn’t be less interested.

She was a complete nightmare during our wedding planning because she cannot get over her divorce from my father in law. She tries to convince my wife I’m cheating on her with one of my friends, didn’t acknowledge our engagement was making digs about it and then stormed off in tears because we weren’t giving her enough attention about her holiday, told my wife she doesn’t deserve a diamond that big on her engagement ring, threatened repeatedly not to come to her hen do, cancelled on my wife’s dress fitting, refused to see her on Mother’s Day because we refused to drive her three hours to the venue and back the day before and day after our wedding because she wanted to stay in a different hotel, told us her hotel room we booked for her wasn’t good enough, started so much drama at the wedding to make the whole thing about how hard it was for her to see her ex with his new wife.

We are going in for fertility treatment and she has made a number of comments trying to make my wife feel insecure about not carrying the baby by saying things like the baby won’t be anything to do with her and her family and insinuating that because I’m not using my wife’s egg (because it’s too bloody expensive) that it’s because I don’t want a child that’s my wife’s.

So yeah she’s an absolute nightmare any time my wife has a success or happy occasion and tries to spoil it for her.

thanks all for sharing your thoughts and experiences. Right now they are living with us for a couple of
months while their house gets refurbished.

SIL is the golden child. She is a housewife, yet can’t be bothered to have them as she is busy managing 2 kids. I work full time and we have 3 kids, yet I’m not!

Right now they are talking to DH, but I’m getting silent treatment. FIL told me I’m lucky because DH got a hike but SIL’s DH doesn’t get paid as much. Wtf? How is that even relevant? As though DH should be turning down the money as he will now be making more than SILs husband!! Also, I didn’t get a pay rise - DH got. Why am I lucky because of money? DH was never “Lucky” when I made more than him for years. Fed up of all the drama !

I'm the scapegoat, my brother is golden balls. Just after my dad died, my mum & brother were sat at lunch with extended family talking about how they could take me down a peg or two with embarrassing stories. My brother was sacked for gross misconduct and is an unemployed alcoholic. I & DH work in interesting fields - never asked.
DH & I have been together 29 years, they cropped photos to remove him, never mentioned at the funeral...Golden balls partner was named in the will, especially thanked by my mum. My mum can't say enough great stuff about the pair of them even though DH & I did a lot of heavy lifting & logistics. DH is never named or acknowledged. They'd be so pleased if we split.
Golden balls is seperating but still their partnership only this evening was been praised to the heavens. My narc Mum has recently overplayed her hand and has been a bit too obvious in her dislike for us. It has made life easier to push it all into a 'its her not me' box.

That’s exactly how I get treated ! (Scapegoat’s spouse)

I’m struggling to understand todays drama though.

How is DHs payrise my fault exactly? Why am I getting the silent treatment while they are talking as normal to DH ?

My mother would have revelled in the thought that I was unhappy. She deliberately sabotaged me on many occasions.

She was spiteful/dismissive about my siccesses and positively overjoyed about my 'failures'.

She used to call my then husband when she knew I was out to bitch about me and try and get him onside. Tbf, he handled her brilliantly.

If she perceived me to have done better than my brother in some way (eg I got a better class of degree than he did) she was hugely critical of me. She saw me doing well as a personal affront. Almost as thought I'd done it deliberately to get one over on my brother and she had to defend him as a result. My brother was always really proud of me and didn't see it that way it has to be said.

I suspect it's because it highlights you are a team - supporting each other, encouraging confidence being happy in each other's success.
My narc Mum prefers divide & rule & moan, tis not enough to succeed others must fail/bitch/be disappointed. Try having a moan about your DHs success, she be able to tear the pair of you apart and report to others that'll that career success hasn't made you happy, golden child would of course handle a prize so much better.

Yes it's interesting. My sister is golden child and I am scapegoat. All my childhood and youth I got told I'd never make anything of my life, wouldn't be able to hold down a job, would never marry. It made me determined to do those things but then when I did I got the feeling my parents were annoyed I had proved them wrong. Conversely my sister hasn't had much of a career and has even said that I've "got the life everyone thinks she should have had". I'm happy with my life but none of them are happy for me, silly arses.

Ffs OP! Tell them if they can't be civil to you in your own house, while you're doing them a massive favour, then they can get out. Now.

Dump their stuff in the garden, and tell them to call SIL.

Then don't bother with them ever again.

I was the scapegoat child, I am now NC with my parents. My mum, before I went NC, would continue to try to manipulate and control me and if I stood for myself, would try to get my husband on her side by acting as though I was so horrible and unreasonable and that she and him ought to stick together and wait for me to stop being awful. Once I left her home and she tried to convince DH to stay there overnight to teach me some kind of weird lesson! (Her husband was there too, nothing weird going on! Just wanted me to feel isolated I guess.) in my experience, they might like it if they feel your marriage is crap and YOU might also end up being insulted and criticised - my mum used to be awful about my DH and act as though he were useless and that poor old her had to pick up the pieces and help us both! Not that anyone wanted her help, and there wasn’t even anything to help with. But it made her feel extra superior. I bet your in laws feel so smug every time your DH makes our your marriage is rubbish. He needs to stop.

If you are the designated failure/black sheep in your family, in my experience nothing you ever do that doesn't play into that is good enough, or deserved, or something to be proud of.
If you do better than siblings who weren't meant to be the failure you can never make it right & somehow their failure to exceed you will be your fault too.

Those kind of parents expect you to stay in your lane & will insist on doing their utmost to put you back there if you let them.

Leave them to their delusions & get on with being happy.

You can't reason with that sort of toxic & if you engage it will only ever make you feel worse than if you ignore it.

I think DH is playing them right. I'd recommend taking your lead from him. Perhaps it's appropriate to remind you you are not dealing with sane & rational human beings. You can throw logic & reason at them all day long, it will not alter their perspective one whit. Or it might, but only to your detriment - mentally disordered people are extremely threatened by attacks on their constructed world view, and will retaliate in fury.

Do you know about the "grey rock" approach? Look it up. DH has got it down to a fine art, by the sound of things.