What happens if the scapegoat child becomes successful in life and has a happy marriage?

[AliceMay55]

Would a Narc parent want the scapegoat to have an unhappy marriage?
asking because my husband routinely tells them sad stories and makes it appear as though we are quite miserable together. It’s absolutely not the case in reality. He says they assume things, but why would they?

They plan to leave around the mid of Sept. They only live 15 mins away.

I wish this were my problem! My mother had me so eroded that I ended up with a narc of course. I left him eventually but as a result of that trauma roundabout I have spent the last 16 years as a single parent, and my mother has taken that as proof of her superiority. It's impossible to raise an issue with my mother, because she is perfect, so if you raise an issue, you're aggressive or detached from reality. I must be whatever she needs me to be to avoid a moment's self-examination. At the moment there are two narratives that kind of contradict each other. One for before my son moved out and one for after, but they both have one thing in common, they absolve my son of all responsibility and blame me for EVERYTHING

sorry @AliceMay55 I don't mean that you have a good problem, I meant that I was too damaged as the scapegoat to have a healthy relationship.

They sound awful. Your H is lucky to have a good marriage despite his parents' parenting of him

I agree with you @AliceMay55 the nerve of them giving you the silent treatment in your house
Beggars belief. Don't lift a finger for them and hide the toilet roll.

hide the toilet roll

Ooh, this I like. Maybe we can come up with silent protests for you. Even if you don't do it, might make you laugh thinking about it when they're being arseholes!

I do like the idea of pointing out that SIL didn't want them though. You never know, they might storm off to her in a huff to prove you wrong

OP. Why are you putting up with this?

Spell it all out to them, tell them exactly what they do to you. Then kick them the fuck out. Or rather, your H should. But it might CNN w more complex for him.

Get therapy to figure out why you can’t tell people not to shit on you, why you married someone who won’t tell people not to shit on his wife, and why you fear the repercussion of being rejected or criticized by shitty people.

My sister was golden child and I was scapegoat.
My marriage is happy, my sister's was not.
My mother was very resentful about this and always made it perfectly clear my sister had "deserved" a nice husband whereas I had done nothing to deserve one.
So in that sense, yes she wanted my marriage to be unhappy

"Just as DH actually gets a raise we find our electricity bill has gone up 10 fold, the car packed up last week and we've got a hole in the roof, it's actually like we're getting poorer, I'm so upset about it all".

@JudyEdithPerry Ive actually been doing this with SIL for years. It keeps her happy. It’s a strange dynamic with inlaws. They are not demanding and don’t ask us for money or presets for themselves. They are constantly feeling sorry for DIL. I have no idea why. “Poor Emma can’t find a job despite being so qualified and awesome”
Truth: Emma never worked a single day in her life and now when she wants to work, she wants a VP position at a bank because all her friends are at that level. I am not joking!!!!

They sound like terrible people. Yes you do have a dh problem but this is also on you. Why are you letting them treat you like this? Do you not ever ask them what their issue is? If I were you first opportunity I'd speak to dh and tell him he needs to sort this situation. If he won't, then just speak up for yourself woman! Even if it's just asking her if she means to be so rude to you the next time she starts.

My husband told them :( Momentary lapse of restraint. He came home from work, very excited and happy. Inlaws were just there when he came in and he didn’t think.

"what you do for us is way less what other DILS do for their PILs"

Well maybe the other PILs are nice to their DILs.

I started to write a reply, then saw they live 15 minutes away!!!

Fuck's sake.

There will be a dollar store nearby where you can purchase a backbone between you.

Because if it weren’t for you being inconveniently in their way, they would be manipulating him into giving them a share?

@Qwerty111 that’s a good point. I tend to think narcs see everyone as pawns in a chess game and they spend their whole lives trying to manoeuvre people around.

Thats 100% correct

This just made me realised DH is in this situation and essentially MIL tries to make him jealous of her and DBIL, it's becoming quite amusing over the years!

They moved closer to us about a year ago. Mil and fil are in 70s. DH does a lot of admin/help for them. Tbh, moving closer made our life easier in some ways. SILs problem is a constant for us. She swings between being extremely rich or extremely poor depending on how we are doing. Inlaws just believe what she says without thinking for a second.
update: I stopped doing teas/coffees etc. I became very “busy”. Still making lunches /dinner but very simple stuff. If they don’t like it , their problem.
I don’t want to kick them out right now, it just doesn’t sit well with me. but they will not be invited to live with us again. They can’t go to live with SIL as she is over an hour away plus they have to supervise the renovations at their property. If they go to SILs, DH and I will end up being responsible for overseeing the work and will be blamed for ANYTHING that goes wrong with their property for the rest of our lives. We will never win.

You will never win, so why keep trying to play the game?

I’ve never been good enough for my parents - I stopped playing 15 years ago when they made my wedding all about them and I had some counselling and I saw it clearly.

Go out, work from anywhere other than home. Do not make them meals, if your dh is busy bad mouthing you to stop being in the firing line himself, he should be doing it all. Don’t make yourself a mug, it is not your fault his parents are awful and it is not your job to absorb it for another two months.

It's interesting that you mentioned "rocking the boat" in your post.

I actually think you must rock that boat.

This was a post on Reddit some time ago and I think it's very apt.

Don't rock the boat.
I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.
At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.
The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.
The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?
Ballast!
And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.
A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .
When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.
Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.
While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!
So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.
You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

You have to be the intermediary though while your DH would be adjusting to the new arrangement and you'd have to probably deal with the flying monkeys, but your lives could be so much better.

Best of luck to you getting through the next few weeks.

Oh and one other thing - put them on a strict information diet.

Stop over sharing. They have no need to find out yours or your DHs salary so it's not their business.

I like the suggestion about planning repairs on your house & dropping in to conversation how your bills have quadrupled over the time that they've been with you.

The key to none of this backfiring is to make sure that your DH is understanding of the tact that you're taking. He cannot under any circumstances say "Oh but that's ok as they're my parents" which is a green flag for them to continue to carry on as they are.