What happens if the scapegoat child becomes successful in life and has a happy marriage?

[AliceMay55]

Would a Narc parent want the scapegoat to have an unhappy marriage?
asking because my husband routinely tells them sad stories and makes it appear as though we are quite miserable together. It’s absolutely not the case in reality. He says they assume things, but why would they?

In the case I know of, the parents are furious that the scapegoat child has not only married a very wealthy man, but a good one who adores her and their children and is devoted to them.

There's a distinct feeling that she's somehow cheated the Golden Child of something that should be rightfully theirs.

I found just going NC very helpful. If they don’t actually feel any affection for you or vice versa whats the point.

I definitely have a DH problem. I don’t know why he does it and I really struggled in the early days of our marriage wondering which version is his true self!
SIL is constantly “see how amazing I am”. She needs a constant supply of people “inferior” to her so she can feel good about herself. Eg: Asking children maths questions on a play date to “guage” their standard. Then getting her DD to answer the questions other child couldnt - then say see how amazing my DD is!! Absolutely nasty piece of work in multiple ways.

I think DH subconsciously is scared of making his sister angry. She has a totally enmeshed relationship with her parents. There are no secrets between them.

this really resonates with our situation. Actually, it appears they all feel what DH earns is rightfully SILs. I am cheating her out of it.

Tonite’s narc shitshow.

I totally ignored them all day and got on with my life. By 5pm, they are super pissed I didn’t go begging them to talk.
We had food in the fridge for the 4 of us (something that inlaws don’t eat). So I cooked dinner for them at around 7pm. They kept quiet, waited until I cooked and then declared they don’t want to eat. Not hungry.
I work full time. I was super tired today. They waited until I cooked, then asked me to fcuk off.

This is my limit. I’m not going to cook for them again. DH can arrange food from tomorrow.

Why in the name of all that is holy did you cook them dinner? Are they disabled?

Generally try to stick their oar in and cause problems from my experience. Jealousy is very obvious though, makes me laugh

I'm sat here nodding along to all these stories
I have loads to tell,but the one that I will tell is the fact there was no money for me to go to college aged 16
My brother left school-the cash was waiting for him (along with lifts to and from college,books and everything bought etc)
He dropped out and my twin brothers left school-money was there,again waiting for them
They both dropped out (one went back-fully funded by my parents)
Anyway,my youngest started school,so I enrolled and started college myself-by this point I was nc with her,but you know,she unleashed the flying monkeys
You'd have thought I was whoring myself on the streets the way my narc mother went on about it
I started to pass exams (I shocked myself) and she told people that I only passed due to the sexual favours I was giving to the male college staff (who where all female)
I passed my course on a mixture of almost no sleep,stress over childcare and money and a lot of rushing round for two years
She had the brass neck to make out that I wouldn't have passed if she hadn't done all my childcare (she didn't do a second),gave me money (she never parted with a penny),gave me lifts (not once did I get a lift) and endless support (hahahaha)
When I laughed at her and pointed all this out,she came to my house and screamed at me that I shouldn't have passed,I cheated my way through it all and that my brothers should have passed and got all the glory
She's whitewashed my qualifications away-they don't exist
But they do and are proudly displayed in my hallway

You need to seriously ask yourself why you cooked for them at all.

From what I have learned about narcissistic abuse I can well believe this. They (malignant narcs) don't like when others are happy and successful , they see it as a threat.

I was just going to ask the same question.

Why are you allowing these people to treat you like shit in Your OWN HOME OP ???

Just because your husband is scared of them, you don't need to be. Stand up to them !

You have a you problem too. Why cook for people that treat you like shit in your home. Have a word with your husband tonight. If they are going to treat you like that, they better find a hotel to go to.

I cooked dinner because they are guests in my house. To keep peace, and hoping they will get over whatever was pissing them off when they eat something nice.

My fault.

Interestingly enough, and in my family list, it really brings out the worst in people‘s attitudes. I am visually impaired, so I have plenty of challenges the rest of my family don’t, they blame me for a lot of things, constantly insist my mother is doing everything, constantly put me down, judge me, etc.

One of my sisters lives in a mansion in Florida, has swimming pool, Jacuzzi, her children are fortunate enough to go on European vacations, ski, summer camp in other states, etc. I have one, quite disgusting family member in France, who is the same, they live in a small village and she is a snob about the best of times, to put a nicely.

I just bought a home, yes I did have some help from one of my parents, but she wanted me to be safe and happy, and I have lived in not so good accommodations most of my life due to my disability and not being able to find a decent place to live. My family members remarks when they found out I was buying a home, one of them told me to sell it immediately. They are extremely negative towards me, and seeing me succeed brings out a lot of jealousy in the rest of my family, even though they have an a lot better than I do. I’m happy though, and that’s what counts. So I just get on with things…

Not your fault. You are doing your best to be hospitable in the face of adversity.

Mind you, I think you have far more patience than me - I'd have given them what for by now.

Mine tried her very best to get my husband to leave me, employing all the usual flying monkeys. It didn't work, we've not had any contact with her or her monkeys for 10 years.

So, it’s my DD2’s birthday today. We’re going to nearest big town for a bit of shopping, nice lunch, couple of cocktails.

MiL posted on DD’s FB wall to wish her happy birthday, to have a great day shopping and that she’d put some money in her bank.

SiL then texts me asking how much money MiL had given DD. I reply to say it was between MiL and DD and I had no idea and it was none of my business. I’ve since had multiple messages demanding I find out, that she needs the information, etc. I’m now ignoring her so she’s now messaging DH who has given her the same response.

She either wants to know so she can make sure DD hasn’t got more than her kids, or so she can whinge to MiL that it’s not fair that DD got money today and hers didn’t.

All this before 9am. Honestly. Dude, haven’t you got anything else to do?

You nailed it. I wasted years of my life trying to reason with them.

tbh, you won’t believe how nasty they are generally to everyone. Extremely judgemental too.

SIL is plotting big time to rob DH of his share of inheritance. Relentless poverty crying (while her DH makes over £250k). And no one is batting an eyelid. They all feel sorry for her. Absolutely no one is telling her to get off her ass and work if she wants more money!!

oh wow! She is a joy to be around ! Isn’t she 😂

update:

Inlaws didn’t eat anything last night and they went out this morning. I’m assuming they ate breakfast outside. At lunch time, they came downstairs and told me “what you do for us is way less what other DILs do for their PILs” while I was in a work call. Then proceeded to heat up food from the fridge. Later kept muttering that we must gift SIL something.

They can go fcuk off. I said nothing for DHs sake. But I’m losing it. The amount of insanity in entitlement and expectations is driving me mad. My jaw is permanently on the floor.

Tell
Them
To
Leave

They're behaving like this because you are letting them.

They're there as a favour you are doing them. There is no benefit to you at all.

It sounds like well past time they learnt about not biting the hand that feeds.

Tell them you're sure SIL will be delighted to have them, and not to let the door hit them in the arse on the way out.

Send all their shit to a storage container, pay one month only, and tell them it's up to them whether they move it or pay for it, but not a single thing of their's is ever passing over your threshold again.

Tell DH he can see them if he wants but you never want to lay eyes on them again. And mean it.

I wish I had this kind of courage.

They are horrible people. If I rock the boat and throw them out, they’ll harass DH, make up fake-illnesses to keep DH at theirs for long hours to make him give money to SIL AND brainwash him against me.

im beginning to realise I probably have a big DH problem too.

Oh OP ..your poor DH - and mostly poor you, having to put up with these leeches.

You need to give him an ultimatum - he needs to start going to therapy about them.

In the meantime start giving them lip - E.g. if they mention anything critical of what you do for them, bite back that it's more than what SIL is doing for them.

Do it, they'll be stunned...and eventually realise they need to treat you with respect. After all it's them who have no choice as they're in your house.