What happens if the scapegoat child becomes successful in life and has a happy marriage?

[AliceMay55]

Would a Narc parent want the scapegoat to have an unhappy marriage?
asking because my husband routinely tells them sad stories and makes it appear as though we are quite miserable together. It’s absolutely not the case in reality. He says they assume things, but why would they?

Don't over share . Need to know basis only .

“They are constantly feeling sorry for DIL. I have no idea why. “Poor Emma can’t find a job despite being so qualified and awesome”
Truth: Emma never worked a single day in her life and now when she wants to work, she wants a VP position at a bank because all her friends are at that level. I am not joking!!!”

This bit stood out for me because it’s how my PIL talk about DH’s (hopeless, lazy) brother.

I nod along agreeing with them and then in the most sympathetic way I say “it’s SO STRANGE that he can’t keep a job isn’t it?You had such high hopes when he started at x. It must be terribly hard for you to know that he’ll probably never support himself”

Agree, ask lots of questions about the bits they’re glossing over, drop the poison sweetly.

I don’t know whether to recommend what I do or whether it’s tossing a match into a pile of kindling. All I can say is… we hardly see PIL and they treat me with wary respect.

Have you tried willfully misunderstanding them? When they want you to do something or are hinting with the delicacy of a brick to the head. Behave as though they're doing you a favour you need to regretfully decline.

We need to come and live with you for an indeterminate length of time, and be complete PITAs!

Oh, no, PIL we couldn't expect you to do that! It's so kind of you to think of us, but no, really, it would be far too disruptive for you! Why, we'll be working and blah blah, it wouldn't be fair to you at all! No, really, we couldn't put you out like that!

You need to give SIL money. And a kidney.

Oh, we couldn't possibly! So sweet of you to suggest it but poor SIL, I'd hate her to think we think she needs charity! No, no, I know you're only thinking of us but really, it's far too much to put onto SIL, I wouldn't want her to feel obligated to us in any way. I know how independent she is, it would only upset her. No, really, we just can't, it's not fair to her at all!

Other DILs do more for their PIL!

Oh, I know, and I'm so grateful you're not like that! Gosh, that would be awful wouldn't it, if I was interfering in what you were doing all the time!? Can you imagine! It's so good you're so independent - especially at your age, too! Marvellous really! Must be such a relief to you that you're not dependant on anyone else? That would be terrible, wouldn't it.

My cousin is the scapegoat child.Her dh find the whole thing exhausting and despite several arguments she will not go nc. He has minimal contact with her parents, her mum comes over to stay when her dh works away. They guiltripped her into giving them the bulk of her salary when she lived at home as they 'supported' her through her education. In reality the did nothing of the sort and she made it inspire of them. She became a sahm and there is constant pressure for her to go back to work so that their lifestyle can be propped up.

In this situation you have 2 choices. Either you bite your tongue so your dh had some semblance of a relationship with them, taking one for the team I suppose you could say. The other option is to go nc which is something the scapegoat child always struggles with, due to a combination of feeling guilty wanting acceptance, craving the kind of love and support most of us are lucky enough to receive from 'normal' parents.

For my own tuppence I realised there was a difference in how my mil treated my dh rather than bil. Very much like he was the younger irresponsible one which he may well have been when he was in his 20s but I met him 15 years later. I challenged her behaviour, said that he might well have behaved that way but that people can and do change and dh had. She was told that if she wanted to remain a part of our family she needed to buck her ideas up and to her credit she has. This came from me though as dh had accepted that whilst she loved him loads he would never be the responsible one because of his past behaviour.I made him see her treatment of him was not acceptable and I wouldn't be in on the joke. Sometimes you do have to stand by their side and help them see that just because the behaviour is coming from a parent doesn't make it acceptable.

Best of luck to you op because you are stuck in a hard situation.

Oh wow. This is top class !!

Ha! 😂 Why, thank you! At the very least you can maybe amuse yourself and take the sting out of their behaviour by focusing on how absolutely ridiculous their demands are.

It probably takes a bit of practice, but will definitely be amusing to see their reaction 😂