What happens if the scapegoat child becomes successful in life and has a happy marriage?

[AliceMay55]

Would a Narc parent want the scapegoat to have an unhappy marriage?
asking because my husband routinely tells them sad stories and makes it appear as though we are quite miserable together. It’s absolutely not the case in reality. He says they assume things, but why would they?

Mine threw a tantrum they’d not been given a big enough role in the wedding. Came up with a written list of 5 ways I’d slighted them on my wedding day. Then threw themselves a second wedding a few months later complete with white lace dress and a big party.

They also think my DH is either too good for me and I boss him around and make him miserable or he is weird and weak because he is isn’t “alpha male”. It’s weird, they are weird. There is no logic to it.

My mum ignored me on my wedding day. She gave me old new borrowed blue things on the thurs before and i asked if the 6 pence was old or borrowed and she hit the roof screaming i was ungrateful. She didnt attend the rehearsal on the friday. Showed up at my house for photos and to go in the car with the bridesmaids but ignores me all morning. Posed smiling. Ignored me. When she left for the church, still ignoring me, the photographers mouth was on the floor.

her behaviour was so bad my sister cancelled her wedding saying she couldnt deal with her. She never bother to get married and has been ‘engaged’ now for 20 years.

if it isnt about my mum she will make everyone else miserable.

I could quote so much from these responses! I recognise so much from my own life but the main one is the following.

I bet your in laws feel so smug every time your DH makes our your marriage is rubbish. He needs to stop.

This is so important. Four months after I went NC with my mum, my dad died and my marriage broke down. Not having my mother in my life to enjoy it was the only thing that got me through. Your husband needs to understand what is happening. And stop feeding it.

I am NC with the golden child SIL. DH is VLC with her and all her one-way “gifting” from us has stopped. She called and had a go at DH a few months ago - saying “you never helped me”. Wtf ! Why does she need helping out?

This has been grating inlaws. FIL wants us to speak to her. Why? She is happy, we are happy - so what’s the problem?

There is something really weird about SIL. Her DH has a great job. She never worked a day in her life. They never bought a house because they always wanted a 5 bed detached house within 10mins from central London. Like from day 1! They don’t have that kind of money. We bought a flat in Croydon, then traded to a 3 bed semi in Tunbridge Wells, now in a 5 bed detached in TW. SIL now constantly moans they don’t have a house. Inlaws feel really sorry for her. This, with DHs pay hike, set the bomb off.

I really wish I could pack them off, if they don’t start to behave. The nerve of giving me silent treatment in my own house, while I still do their teas, coffees, meals etc.

Also, there is some weird assumption set in stone. some how, DH is way brighter than me, I am lucky to have him. Despite my multiple promotions, earning more than DH, one level above him professionally for years until yesterday (equal level now). Yet, they talk like SIL and me are at the same level. Wtf 🤬

Off topic, but why are you running round making them teas and coffees?! Meals I get but they can bloody well get up and make their own drinks if they can't be arsed to talk to you.

In terms of being in equal positions now, I would just keep saying how proud you are that your DH has managed to work his way up to the same level.

As a bonus, I might even be really annoying and do things like give DH a high five after doing a chore together in front of ILs and saying 'team work makes the dream work' just to really piss them off. I am a petty creature though. Negative people like your ILs find happiness and optimism unbearable.

Honestly, tell them to fuck off. Nothing you ever do will be good enough anyway.

How dare they be dismissive of you in your own home? Going NC was the best thing I ever did for myself.

Oh, and being golden child isn’t all that either. My poor brothers MH is shot to pieces and he’s alcoholic on the back of her manipulating and pressure. I love him to bits and don’t blame him at all. It’s affected him too, just differently. Harder for him to go NC and escape the bitch.

I know a narc. Not a relative of mine, but I still have the instinct to want them to think I’m doing badly. Mainly because I feel like I would attract their focus if I were doing well.

Unfortunately my DH is the scapegoat child, even more unfortunate is the fact that his elderly parent lives with us because no one else would take them in when they were homeless(I.e the golden children weren’t able to because their lives are a car crash). The parent lends them money but doesn’t pay their way here in our home, talks non stop about their achievements(none?) but would never say well done to my DH when he does well at work or is successful. We have a very happy marriage and any affection between us is met with negative comments from the parent. It’s a nightmare. My DH feels like he has something to prove to gain his parent’s affection. 😫

How do people become like this? They’re so fucked up. Their thinking is so far from normal.

I’d want to growl at them in a low level voice ‘if you don’t behave yourselves you can get the fuck out of my house. There is something seriously wrong with the pair of you.’

They don’t like you anyway, they’re total cunts to your H, who’d give a shit about how they’d react? But I know that’s easier to say when you’re not enmeshed in the situation.

I cannot understand why you are doing teas, coffees, meals. Just stop. If they're giving you the silent treatment, they can't ask why!

Surely you can manage less contact.
As they age they will guilt DH into supporting /doing everything for them.
Do you have DCs because they will probably behave the same with them.
Can you move well away.

Being the scapegoat, it turns out, was the luckiest thing that could have happened to me in the circumstances. My siblings, who remained very much in contact and part of the family, ended up being more damaged than me by always living under the unspoken threat of 'you saw what they did to Yaffle if you step out of line'. They continually had to dance to a very contingent tune: you must always do this, never do this, never disagree, never speak up'. Leaving at 16 and having pretty minimal contact and no support taught me to meet my needs elsewhere as there was literally no way I'd be loved by family. That was helpful as it meant I couldn't play the 'please love me, I'm worth it' dance. I've ended up paying my way through lots of education, have a really excellent job as a clinical psychologist in the nhs, kind friends, and the most epic husband who used his very healthy family upbringing to teach me how to ask to have your needs met in appropriate and healthy ways. I'm so grateful to him. That was probably my luckiest break. I do have vulnerabilities related to childhood and value hugely the benefit of mental health meds. My four siblings and mother bitch about me to each other incessantly, and tell relatives all sorts of shit to make my life sound bad. It's all okay. I didn't have to tell anyone my truth, I just nod and smile and arrange to check in in another few months. I never spend more that four hours in their homes and keep a safe boundary by staying in hotels. My brother feels strongly that I've been luckiest and least damaged, and whilst that grates a bit because I know what I survived, I do agree that I seem to have ended up in the best place. There can be light at the end of the tunnel, but I do think that healthy ex scapegoats need to be very careful about family boundaries in terms of amount of contact and in terms of whether you give any information about your life that makes you vulnerable. Hoping this helps somewhat.

@ConnieTucker sounds familiar!! Mine said "I know people want to see the bride but what they REALLY care about is what the mother of the bride is wearing"

She also threw a shit fit tantrum "just how many friends is SHE (I.e. the bride) inviting to her own wedding, when told no we didn't have room for some random relative we've never met.

The icing on the cake however has to be when she sulked for weeks because I wouldn't tell exMIL to dress down and not wax her facial hair so mine felt she had to remove her moustache for the day. I mean it was something Captain Bird's-eye would have been proud of for gods sake!!

@Catcatcatcatcat wow. Throwing you out with only a nightie. Yup sounds exactly like something mine would do. Wouldn't let me back in the house if I'd dared to disagree with her.

Once a friends grandma walked me back and had a little chat with my mother thst it wasn't acceptable to lock your teenager out of the house with nowhere to go. She then had a go at me because she didn't want to let me back in. I have no idea where the fuck she expected a 15 year old with no money to go. Its not like i was a terrible teenager either jesus. Horrid evil woman.

I will not have people in my home who will not talk to me. I don't care who they are.

The real question here is why do you and your husband allow yourselves to be abused?

She only let me back in the next morning because I was stood there with the postman (I asked him to knock the door and wait)

She couldn’t bear anyone talking about her negatively. That’s not even close to the worst things she has done to me. But I survived and am strong.

DH was the family scapegoat for years, then by extension me and our kids.

SiL was the golden child, and by extension her current husband and her kids.

Then a few years ago, MiL had some kind of epiphany. Apologised to us for the way she’d treated us for years, apologised to DH for the way she’d treated him growing up and has been a changed woman ever since. No idea what caused it, but she has genuinely changed for the better. Comes and visits, calls us, rings/texts our kids, takes an interest in their lives - I mean, the bar is still quite low here, but it’s better than it used to be.

SiL is livid. She cannot stand it if MiL spends any time with us and will phone constantly or create some drama when MiL is visiting.

She hates that DD1 is at uni and DD2 is about to start. Is negative about any of my kids accomplishments or achievements. Hates that DH has a successful business. Hates that 25 years later we’re still married. Hates that neither of my kids have been in trouble with the police or do drugs, have friends, go out to the pub, etc, etc. Just normal day-to-day stuff really, she’s insanely jealous of.

We live a couple of hundred miles away from her so don’t see her or have to put up with her nonsense very often.

Big hugs to that 15yr old you. If you were anywhere near me, I’d have taken you in - no questions asked. You are precious and you deserve better people around you.

WHAT !! This is exactly our story!!

SIL is going crazy shit stirring as inlaws were having a good time here.

If anything good happens with us, she needs something out of it. A present or cash or whatever. This time nothing. She is fuming.

FIL apologised on MILs behalf once. But back to shitty behaviour now. Definitely nowhere near what it used to be.

The scapegoat finally gets parental approval by shifting that status on to their spouse. When the marriage breaks down, the parents blame the scapegoat child again.

@AliceMay55 thank god for people like you, and my friends parents who occasionally let me stay. Yes, it took me until my 30s to really understand just how bad her behaviour was.

I'm the same. I'd welcome any waif or stray needing a sympathetic ear or bed for the night, animal or human. When DD is a teenager I feel we may become the hub for wayward teens, which is fine by me 😄

Over my cold, dead body would people ignore me in my own home. Why are you allowing it?

What's DH's relationship with his parents like? Do you think he's telling them the miserable things to keep them on side? Because if I were you I'd be encouraging him to shout every good thing from the rooftops, and anything less good to keep to himself.

You haven't mentioned how DH feels about their behaviour. Do you have something of a DH problem in that regard?