Did we ruin daughter by spoiling

[Daringbear]

Hi,
First of all I'm going to be quite vulnerable and I know this is my own doing so please be nice, even if harsh.
My only daughter is 17, she is 18 at the start of August. She was an incredibly wanted child, my husband and I had been trying for 6 years, several miscarriages, failed IVF rounds, it was emotionally the hardest time of my life. When our daughter was born 5 weeks early, and so desperately wanted all we wanted to do was spoil her. We were 35 and 38 by the time she was born, we had 6 extra years of career advancement so were in a financially good place and could spoil her. We knew we wouldn't have more children so we really put it all into our girl. She was also 5 years younger than her closest in age cousin, of which she only has 3 and all boys, so being the only girl and youngest she was also massively spoilt by grandparents. My husband and I aren't massively social people, we had two close friends who were in similar positions and kids a little older. We live in a town where most people are comfortable financially, the house prices are much higher than the rest of the region, so all of daughters socialising have been with children similar to her.
She was also among the youngest in her year, I was terrified she would feel less than etc. so we pushed our financial limits for piano lessons, ballet, tennis, vocal coaching etc. The best schools in our area were state schools so there wasn't that but we did cripple ourselves financially to ensure she never had to struggle, tutors too from about year 5.
Now to the current point my daughter is due to start university in September and increasingly as I view her more and more as an adult I realise she isn't very likeable, she isn't lazy, she is always busy but never doing anything of worth, we told her to get a summer job, she looked for a day said they sounded boring and gave up, my husband still gives her, an allowance, refuses to stop and I find it impossible to be mad at her. So her summer has been spent shopping, enjoying the sun, playing sports, being with friends, going to the gym etc. nothing actually useful. She also has expensive taste and the only way I can describe it is she comes across snobby, she will talk down to me if she thinks my clothes are cheap etc.
She was very popular in school and sixth form, always had loads of friends and her reputation amongst them seems different than the girl I know. For the year book they got random people in the year to comment on the person and several of my daughters were about her being nice/friendly.
The other issue which is pretty new, she is a massive flirt!! She is very naturally pretty, tall, slim, blonde etc. and she is definitely not afraid to flaunt this. I hate it, she can come across very shallow. She will blatantly flirt with waiters etc. even Infront of me, it turns my stomach.
If I were to sum her up I'd use words like, smart, beautiful and eloquent but also shallow, snobby, stuck up and narcissistic. I hate that these are words I'd want to use.
My husband doesn't see it, still spoils her, has just bought her the most expensive tickets for Taylor Swift and a stupidly expensive laptop, whenever DD asks for money he hands it over, will never tell her off. Prides himself on being a cool dad etc.
I was talking to one of her friends mums when we were waiting to pick them up at the station and she asked if I could have a word with her as my daughter told her daughter she should work out more and she is going to get fat and that obviously upset her daughter. I spoke to my girl and she apologised but the fact she said it all horrifies me. My husband said he didn't see the issue.
I don't know what to do, I feel like I have failed and ruined her!! It was all done is pure love and wanting nothing but the best for her and now she isn't a nice person!!
AIBU to feel like I don't like her? If she wasn't my daughter I wouldn't want to be her friend. What do I do? Can I make this better?

Yes, I do think you’re reaping what you’ve sewn. My son and DIL are very wealthy, and my grandchildren have lived a privileged lifestyle, but my fifteen year old grandson works every weekend and appreciates the value of money. Although he will have his living costs covered when he goes to uni, he is well aware of how fortunate he is, and he readily accepts he will be expected to get himself a job as well. A lot of people here are saying your daughter’s behaviour is typical of a 17yr old, I don’t agree. I think it’s a reflection of her upbringing. It sounds as if your DH is a big part of the problem, is there any way you could have a conversation with him about your daughter’s future? I can see it being a bit difficult for her when she goes out into the world.

The only part of the OP I find odd is that another Mum tried to intervene over a conversation two pretty much adult kids had. Other than that, sounds pretty typical 17 to me. She’ll grow out of it.

YABU. She is what you made her, and she is 17 FGS. Cut her some slack. Teenagers are particularly difficult at that age especially girls!

Why does her flirting turn your stomach? That's an odd reaction for a mother to have. All 17 year olds flirt.

@Daringbear , you have effectively written a character assassination about your daughter online. You are meant to be her biggest advocate and you did this?

She doesn’t sound particularly bad, a bit entitled but she will grow up and get over that.

You almost sound a bit jealous of her.

I think what is hurting you most is that your daughter is a reflection of your own attitudes towards her and her upbringing and you don't like the negative light it shines on you @Daringbear .

Your precious princess daughter had to have designer clothes as a a baby/toddler, couldn't possibly be dressed like the plebs, that is pretty shallow don't you think, OP? It smacks of you treating her as a possession to show off rather than a small human in her own right.

Then you made sure your daughter had all those extras - ballet, tennis, piano and vocal coaching , was that to make sure she spoke with the requisite 'posh' accent and make sure she 'fit in' with those you seem to revere?

It seems your daughter attended a very good state school, yet you hint this was not really what you wanted as if state schools are somehow beneath you and your daughter.

You are proud that your daughter socialises with those of the same social strata as you and your husband.

Do you not think you come across as shallow and snobby, exactly what you are saying about your daughter?

This also stood out she is always busy but never doing anything of worth - do you do anything of worth? Have you ever modelled anything other to her than your bubble?

Finally, your daughter is not meant to be 'your friend' your relationship is mother daughter not bestest friends.

You sound quite jealous OP.

So she didn't turn out exactly as you wanted her to - whose child does?!

To say you have "ruined" her is really horrible. I think you should take a look at yourself first.

Well at least you admit it OP . A lot of parents won't admit they or their little angels are less than perfect. But she's not on drugs / drink or running wild with the wrong crowd so you have got a lot of parenting right .

She's only 18. I don't think that I did anything 'particularly useful' as you put it, until I was 21 and finished Uni. You're being a bit harsh. Teenagers/young people are shallow as they buy into branding/peer pressure. The main thing is that she's enjoying her life, is happy and is well liked. She'll mature with time.

This

I was out working full time when I was eighteen. Didn't do me a bit of good. Didn't build character, didn't make me love work.

I think the main thing at this point is to get your DH on board. E.g. agree whatever allowance she gets for uni and then neither of you send her extra if she runs out. When she comes home, she’s expected to help with chores. She needs to start learning to be an adult now that she is one. But you both need to help her do it.

YABU
You haven’t spoiled her at all, nor is she spoiled. I think you are worrying too much.

Teenagers are notorious for being self-centred, show offs, over confident and hyper critical of whichever parent is the same sex as them. This is a perfectly normal life stage and it is necessary for them to have the confidence to go live on their own at Uni or as an older teen. It’s also necessary for parents to not like teens much so they can cope with their PFB no longer living at home all safe and snug.

Theyre not adults yet. Your DD will head off to Uni and embark on life as a young adult and I’m reassuring you in the next four to five years- you will see her grow into a young woman that you can like and you will develop an adult to adult relationship.

Let's guess: She's doing a BA in Karen Studies?

talking down to you about being cheap and asking for expensive things sounds spoilt... the rest sounds normal.

I encourage my kids to have fun at that age, god knows they can't do it later when they have responsabilities... they are young let them be young.

Its such a formative time for discovering yourself and a shitty summer job won't change their life in any meaningful way. It just removes the little freedom they ever have and reminds them they're never to be anything but another worker bee.

May I ask why you say that @DyslexicPoster ?

I’m giving my 6yo lots of clubs and hobbies, and I’m beginning to fear I might be setting him up to be a dabbling dilettante. Perhaps (in due course, he’s still wee!) I need to put more effort into developing his work ethic and his public spiritedness!

I would be interested to know what you’d have done differently, but appreciate that’s a personal question.

This exact thing happened to my niece. She's 40 now and knows she was 'ruined' by Dad. She holds quite a lot of anger against my brother now. Her mum tried to do the best for her but Dad just carried on giving her what she wanted. He still pays for her lifestyle now, even though she's working. She's lost every job she ever had but fingers crossed this one has been around a year, so hopefully will last.

She can't hold down a long term relationship because she equates love with being bought things and if she's not being spoiled she thinks the boyfriends don't care about her. Her brothers were not brought up the same way as her and they are lovely successful adults. It's really sad and her brothers have already told their parents that they won't be taking over once the parents are no longer here.

She sounds like my exDP's daughter. He also spoils his daughter, never says no to her, pays for everything. I too that uni would open her eyes but she's only mixing with people ft a similar background so the entitlement and living in a bubble continues. Maybe worked for two weeks over the summer last year. Rest was travelling paid by daddy. Looks down on those who are less well travelled than her and is seemingly oblivious to the fact that a lot of her peers can't afford the trips she's had bestowed upon her. Likewise the clothes, parties, ski trips, concert tickets, meals out to high end restaurants etc. She's a nice enough girl, very charming, but utterly clueless about the real world. I suspect she'll meet someone of a similar background to marry seeing as she only socialises with rich kids and will never realise the bubble she lives in. Daddy will no doubt pull some strings and use his connections to get her a good job too.
I know I sound bitter. I am a bit I suppose. My adult DC have worked so hard to get where they've got to. I'm very proud of that but can't help but see how their options are not as good as hers.
Incidentally, I suspect many of our politicians come from similar privileged bubble worlds!

Let her fail. Let her fuck up with money/friends/navigating public transport etc without offering an easy out. It’s being cruel to be kind.

Everyone saying she will soon learn, she won’t because Daddy will always bail her out. Unfortunately some girls like this do not change and they become entitled, women. That’s just life.

I'm a bit late to the thread here! But it just seems like she has different values to you. That's ok!!

You have raised a confident, articulate daughter who has lots of friends and is smart enough to go to uni :) that's all good!

It's ok if she values different things to you! It's ok she likes to flirt, seems shallow! She's 17 and kids change as they get older.

I have two DS. One is a caring wee soul, v sensitive, not at all materialistic, into art and music. The other loves money, fast cars, muscles, sport, more sport, oh and did I say money? And more money! And fast cars.

I don't value money or fast cars or muscles etc.. at all :)! If I was his age, I might not be friends with him! But he's my son and I adore him :) he doesn't share my values, but that's ok! If I'm raising him to be his own person, have his own values, follow his own passions, then of course, his values may be different to mine! He has his own personality and that's ok! As long as both my children are kind, respectful and hard working, that'll do me. The rest is up to them!

Your daughter isn't a mini you. You have raised her well to be her own person, find her own values, have her own personality. You don't need to be her friend, as a peer. You just need to continue loving her as a parent and respecting her choices and her personality

Very true. I wonder how the OP feels now reading all the horrible things that have been written here about her daughter. I wonder how her daughter would feel if she were to read this thread.

I wonder if the OP is actually jealous of her daughter that she is branching out and doing her own thing and having fun. Maybe OP you are resentful that your daughter no longer needs you as much as she once did.

Your husband is a twat. She’s not even nice to you and you’ve given her everything.

Unfortunately you’ve created someone who thinks she’s the centre of the universe, because you’ve told her she is. She thinks she’s better than others.

Hopefully, as someone said earlier, university will be the making of her, as you won’t be there smoothing every path for her and giving her the world. Her peers won’t stand for her shit. And she’ll grow up.

I came here to say the same thing

Agree with all of this really :)

i Hvent read every comment but I say she sounds like a normal teen.