Did we ruin daughter by spoiling

[Daringbear]

Hi,
First of all I'm going to be quite vulnerable and I know this is my own doing so please be nice, even if harsh.
My only daughter is 17, she is 18 at the start of August. She was an incredibly wanted child, my husband and I had been trying for 6 years, several miscarriages, failed IVF rounds, it was emotionally the hardest time of my life. When our daughter was born 5 weeks early, and so desperately wanted all we wanted to do was spoil her. We were 35 and 38 by the time she was born, we had 6 extra years of career advancement so were in a financially good place and could spoil her. We knew we wouldn't have more children so we really put it all into our girl. She was also 5 years younger than her closest in age cousin, of which she only has 3 and all boys, so being the only girl and youngest she was also massively spoilt by grandparents. My husband and I aren't massively social people, we had two close friends who were in similar positions and kids a little older. We live in a town where most people are comfortable financially, the house prices are much higher than the rest of the region, so all of daughters socialising have been with children similar to her.
She was also among the youngest in her year, I was terrified she would feel less than etc. so we pushed our financial limits for piano lessons, ballet, tennis, vocal coaching etc. The best schools in our area were state schools so there wasn't that but we did cripple ourselves financially to ensure she never had to struggle, tutors too from about year 5.
Now to the current point my daughter is due to start university in September and increasingly as I view her more and more as an adult I realise she isn't very likeable, she isn't lazy, she is always busy but never doing anything of worth, we told her to get a summer job, she looked for a day said they sounded boring and gave up, my husband still gives her, an allowance, refuses to stop and I find it impossible to be mad at her. So her summer has been spent shopping, enjoying the sun, playing sports, being with friends, going to the gym etc. nothing actually useful. She also has expensive taste and the only way I can describe it is she comes across snobby, she will talk down to me if she thinks my clothes are cheap etc.
She was very popular in school and sixth form, always had loads of friends and her reputation amongst them seems different than the girl I know. For the year book they got random people in the year to comment on the person and several of my daughters were about her being nice/friendly.
The other issue which is pretty new, she is a massive flirt!! She is very naturally pretty, tall, slim, blonde etc. and she is definitely not afraid to flaunt this. I hate it, she can come across very shallow. She will blatantly flirt with waiters etc. even Infront of me, it turns my stomach.
If I were to sum her up I'd use words like, smart, beautiful and eloquent but also shallow, snobby, stuck up and narcissistic. I hate that these are words I'd want to use.
My husband doesn't see it, still spoils her, has just bought her the most expensive tickets for Taylor Swift and a stupidly expensive laptop, whenever DD asks for money he hands it over, will never tell her off. Prides himself on being a cool dad etc.
I was talking to one of her friends mums when we were waiting to pick them up at the station and she asked if I could have a word with her as my daughter told her daughter she should work out more and she is going to get fat and that obviously upset her daughter. I spoke to my girl and she apologised but the fact she said it all horrifies me. My husband said he didn't see the issue.
I don't know what to do, I feel like I have failed and ruined her!! It was all done is pure love and wanting nothing but the best for her and now she isn't a nice person!!
AIBU to feel like I don't like her? If she wasn't my daughter I wouldn't want to be her friend. What do I do? Can I make this better?

I think for uni we are going to pay accommodation and give her the equivalent of the student loan she would get (the minimum basically) to live on

Why don't you allow her to apply for the student loan?

I may be behind the times (my DCs are out of uni now) but even a student from a high earning family can get some loan.

She needs to feel she has skin in the game. She will then pay back her loan and face reality in 3 years.

Let her apply for a loan.

If she’s flirting with waiters rather than looking down on them and treating them like dirt staff, she doesn’t sound all that snobby. And her peers obviously like her. She sounds like an outgoing people person. She’ll learn how to cut her coat according to her cloth as she matures. With your help.

Let her apply for a loan.

Good advice.

I know there's 7 pages on this already but I was like your daughter growing up and at 17.

I didn't have it 'knocked out of me' or e er had a terrible time.

I just grew up when I left home. I'm a totally different person now in lots of ways to how I was at 17, as I'm sure most people are.

Don't stress. Guide her where necessary - as she is too old to be treated like a child. I'm sure she'll be fine.

She doesn't sound incredibly awful? I mean she isn't going to get a job if she's being bankrolled so if you want her to, maybe that needs addressing but she's spending the summer out and about with friends. Not sure what you mean by useful but that wouldn't bother me.

She's a product of her environment. Like the spoilt rich kids you see on tv shows. She'll only change if you change her environment and stop pandering to every whim and want and make her earn it(by being decent,respectful,nice,polite etc )

So far you've extravagantly rewarded her simply for existing.

He won't.

She's got Daddy wrapped round her little finger.

Her peers make like her at 6th form, but that’s a bubble.

On her own at Uni when the others wind do her bidding? Totally different!

You can do something.

You can give her the minimum so she has to limit her spending on clothes and going out - if she want something she can earn it -
My £100 goes very quickly DD’s earning of £100 buys a lot more because she appreciates how much work she has to do for it.

I also agree with the reflection - however you can’t do this alone you need your DH on side and to be fair this extra money would be best out into a LISA for a house deposit than her frivolous buying habits.

Tell her. You can say I love you but find you really ublikeable. If she comments rudely on your clothing let her know she is being bitchy and you find her attitude disgusting. Challenge her! She will definitely get a wake up call at uni unless you and Daddy pay for expensive halls in which case she will be surrounded by wealthy people and her attitude will probably worsen.

Uni will beat it out of her. Instead of being a large fish ina small pond she will be a small fish in a large one

I hope it's not too late, but at university (if she gets in- you never mentioned whether she does any school work) she won't make any worthwhile friends if she continues as you say. And she will get very demanding about money, which will attract superficial friends when your DH doles it out to her.
She won't be accepted by the real upper class students, the middle class ones will see through her, and find her a joke, the working class ones will despise her, leaving a few, who might for a term, be impressed.
She'll then drop out, possibly pregnant after some ill judged flirting, and doss around at home driving you potty, saying it was all someone else's fault, and demanding a car and money. (Sorry, you've given her the car already, and DH pays for all its costs?)

So take action- stop the money giving. You and DH must act as one.

Your own values go so far as to tell someone on a message board on the strength of one post that she has “failed” at parenting?

Nice.

Most teenagers are narcissists, typically their brains aren't fully developed at that age. The ones who seem mature and aware of others are usually the ones who have had to grow up quickly, sometimes because of neglect and/or abuse.
I'd say the snobby behaviour may be more to do with influences from peers, most teenagers are influenced by their peers not parents. Don't blame yourself, just keeping having conversations and guiding her in the right direction and help her understand how she could effect other people and help her learn about people less fortunate than her.
I would be wanting to cut the allowance though and encourage her to earn some of her own money and to learn to budget.

I don't know why everyone is saying she'll get her comeuppance at uni - if she's gorgeous and charming she'll easy find people to do her bidding for her!

as I view her more and more as an adult I realise she isn't very likeable,

Says you. But apparently her friends think she is and she’s popular?

she isn't lazy, she is always busy but never doing anything of worth,
Again, says you with this value judgement. So she prioritises different things at 17/18. This seems utterly normal.

we told her to get a summer job, she looked for a day said they sounded boring and gave up, my husband still gives her, an allowance, refuses to stop and I find it impossible to be mad at her.
Why would she get a job if your DH is happy to keep funding her? That’s a DH problem not a DD problem.

So her summer has been spent shopping, enjoying the sun, playing sports, being with friends, going to the gym etc.
Sounds great! I’m jealous.

nothing actually useful. She also has expensive taste and the only way I can describe it is she comes across snobby, she will talk down to me if she thinks my clothes are cheap etc.
Teenagers are judgemental, especially of their parents. This is not unique.

She was very popular in school and sixth form, always had loads of friends and her reputation amongst them seems different than the girl I know.

For the year book they got random people in the year to comment on the person and several of my daughters were about her being nice/friendly.
So perhaps this is a you problem, not a DD problem?

The other issue which is pretty new, she is a massive flirt!! She is very naturally pretty, tall, slim, blonde etc. and she is definitely not afraid to flaunt this. I hate it, she can come across very shallow. She will blatantly flirt with waiters etc. even Infront of me, it turns my stomach.
A you-problem. Attractive teenage girl flirts and enjoys it - it might make you uncomfortable but it doesn’t make her a terrible person!

If I were to sum her up I'd use words like, smart, beautiful and eloquent but also shallow, snobby, stuck up and narcissistic. I hate that these are words I'd want to use.
Good. I’m glad that you hate that those are words you want to use. Do some self-reflection on why you think her being a fairly ordinary, if privileged teenage girl, is triggering these things in you.

So she prioritises things you don’t. It doesn’t make her bad.

Also, if you’ve not discussed university funding and budgeting yet you have left it very late indeed.

Good lord. It’s all a bit bleak in your worldview isn’t it?

wow, what movie are you just watching? 😂

My daughter has just turned 18 and starting uni in September. She doesn't need to ask for things, she only needs to look at or mention them, and her dad is rushing to get it for her. But she is a nice person, intelligent, kind and empathetic. Money can only spoil if they are substitute for love. You can be on benefits and still spoil your child. You are the adult here, she probably knows how you feel about her, and gives you exactly what you expect.

I wouldn’t worry about it, I was the same age 17. I’m 24 now and learnt a lot of lessons. 17 year olds still have no idea what’s going on

She sounds fine! A bit spoilt, enjoying her entry into adult life - so what? Don't forget as a parent you are likely to see the 'worsr'of her behaviours as she doesn't have to pretend with you.

She may also be trying out attitudes to see your response so always be honest in return - call her out if necessary - say that wasn't kind, not a nice thing to do etc etc - she won't thank you but she'll hear you.

Enjoy these last few weeks all together at home - life will change more harshly for you than her - she is leaping into her future and you are left behind.
(It does get easier).

Don't be too hard on yourself @Daringbear However, I think to help this your husband really needs to get on board with you. If he keeps bankrolling her, she'll never really grow out of this. She needs a reality check and she won't get that if Daddy Dearest keeps handing her cash. Getting a job and working whilst at Uni would do her the world of good. If say in the future your husband goes buying her a house and a car etc., I doubt she'll ever change for the better, she'll just continue to be an entitled little madam.

This is one thing I often think about, my children are still young but I often wonder if I spoil them too much...but one thing for sure is that we have drilled into them how money works and about working to earn money to pay for things etc. So they are well aware when they are teenagers that they will need to get jobs so that they can start saving their own money.

I was like this at 17, maybe worse. I also used to terrorise my parents any way I could and spent my whole final year at (a very expensive private) school my parents couldn’t really afford flirting with boys rather than concentrating and didn’t get the 3 As I was predicted.… despite this I got a great degree form a top uni and I work in a senior job for a very reputable company in a lucrative industry and I’m very very close to my parents. I’m also married to an amazing man and we have managed to keep a baby alive for a whole year!
don’t worry too much just keep trying to prod her in the right direction and she’ll mature in time xxx

Ask your husband if he wants her to become a likeable, responsible adult. Because if so he's going the wrong way about it.

I don't like this word 'spoil' in relation to a child, they are a work in progress as we all are. It is natural for a parent to want their child to have the best opportunities. Take a step back - she has plenty of time to grow up.

You raised her in a loving home, remember that.

Life will sort out the other stuff.