Did we ruin daughter by spoiling

[Daringbear]

Hi,
First of all I'm going to be quite vulnerable and I know this is my own doing so please be nice, even if harsh.
My only daughter is 17, she is 18 at the start of August. She was an incredibly wanted child, my husband and I had been trying for 6 years, several miscarriages, failed IVF rounds, it was emotionally the hardest time of my life. When our daughter was born 5 weeks early, and so desperately wanted all we wanted to do was spoil her. We were 35 and 38 by the time she was born, we had 6 extra years of career advancement so were in a financially good place and could spoil her. We knew we wouldn't have more children so we really put it all into our girl. She was also 5 years younger than her closest in age cousin, of which she only has 3 and all boys, so being the only girl and youngest she was also massively spoilt by grandparents. My husband and I aren't massively social people, we had two close friends who were in similar positions and kids a little older. We live in a town where most people are comfortable financially, the house prices are much higher than the rest of the region, so all of daughters socialising have been with children similar to her.
She was also among the youngest in her year, I was terrified she would feel less than etc. so we pushed our financial limits for piano lessons, ballet, tennis, vocal coaching etc. The best schools in our area were state schools so there wasn't that but we did cripple ourselves financially to ensure she never had to struggle, tutors too from about year 5.
Now to the current point my daughter is due to start university in September and increasingly as I view her more and more as an adult I realise she isn't very likeable, she isn't lazy, she is always busy but never doing anything of worth, we told her to get a summer job, she looked for a day said they sounded boring and gave up, my husband still gives her, an allowance, refuses to stop and I find it impossible to be mad at her. So her summer has been spent shopping, enjoying the sun, playing sports, being with friends, going to the gym etc. nothing actually useful. She also has expensive taste and the only way I can describe it is she comes across snobby, she will talk down to me if she thinks my clothes are cheap etc.
She was very popular in school and sixth form, always had loads of friends and her reputation amongst them seems different than the girl I know. For the year book they got random people in the year to comment on the person and several of my daughters were about her being nice/friendly.
The other issue which is pretty new, she is a massive flirt!! She is very naturally pretty, tall, slim, blonde etc. and she is definitely not afraid to flaunt this. I hate it, she can come across very shallow. She will blatantly flirt with waiters etc. even Infront of me, it turns my stomach.
If I were to sum her up I'd use words like, smart, beautiful and eloquent but also shallow, snobby, stuck up and narcissistic. I hate that these are words I'd want to use.
My husband doesn't see it, still spoils her, has just bought her the most expensive tickets for Taylor Swift and a stupidly expensive laptop, whenever DD asks for money he hands it over, will never tell her off. Prides himself on being a cool dad etc.
I was talking to one of her friends mums when we were waiting to pick them up at the station and she asked if I could have a word with her as my daughter told her daughter she should work out more and she is going to get fat and that obviously upset her daughter. I spoke to my girl and she apologised but the fact she said it all horrifies me. My husband said he didn't see the issue.
I don't know what to do, I feel like I have failed and ruined her!! It was all done is pure love and wanting nothing but the best for her and now she isn't a nice person!!
AIBU to feel like I don't like her? If she wasn't my daughter I wouldn't want to be her friend. What do I do? Can I make this better?

Unfortunately you’ve created someone who thinks she’s the centre of the universe, because you’ve told her she is. She thinks she’s better than others.

I know I thought that at 17.

Luckily I've figured it out now. 😌

I think putting your daughter to one side - because as a lot of posters have said, she's 17! None of us are our best selves at 17, and uni will be really good for her. It's your husband who you really need to speak to, he is causing the majority of the problem. Tell him he is ruining her, and he will cause her problems later in life if he doesn't start parenting! No more cool dad, it isn't doing her any favours and is making both yours, and her life difficult. Does he not see it?

This is such a strange post. I don't mean that to be critical, but you sound like you dislike her (right now) even though you obviously adore her. It's almost like your instincts are telling you to shove her out of the nest and force her to get her shit together on her own, which is exactly the right thing to do.

I think at that age what she needs is for you to be a bit firmer, to coach her on her empathy, to stop doing everything for her and to make your husband see that by indulging her he is taking away from her the skills and confidence she will gain from sorting out her own problems a bit more.

That's lovely about your grandson, and my comment isn't directed at yours per se, but I've never understood this obsession with "knowing the value of money". IMHO it's really not about money, but things like respect, kindness, equality, etc.

Being aware of luck and privilege certainly helps, and working can certainly shed light on this. But inculcating materialism/capitalism is not the be all and end all.

I know plenty of wealthy people brought up by their parents to know how important money is, and they're vv hardworking and willing to get their sleeves dirty. (Context: where I grew up, you can't just buy your way into private school like in the UK, even though schools from our country send more people into Oxbridge than Eton etc... So you really have to work hard to get there.)

But their character otherwise isn't particularly pleasant. Equally, in uni I knew many average people, Brit or otherwise, who had to work thru uni to support themselves, but they were not particularly nice people.

Finally, I also knew plenty of young people who didn't work to support themselves through their teens and uni, who were truly lovely people. Their parents had taken the time to actively and consistently inculcate values like kindness, respect, humility, etc.

It could be more correlation than causation. If you're the sort of parent who encourages their child to work when it's not needed, then you're generally the sort concerned with their personal development. But again, I know parents who only impart capitalism and not much else to their kids.

I kind of agree with these posts to be honest. OP DOES sound a bit jealous - and bitter. And as some others have said, she has basically dished out a character assassination on a frigging teenage girl... and even worse, it's her own DAUGHTER! Poor girl

Really? Ok well my 3 ds must be quite odd then 🤔

My eldest two had summer jobs from age 16, and in fact Saturday jobs as well through their A level years. Both worked through Uni. Neither would have dreamed of sneering at me.

Third ds is 14, and asked me at the beginning of his summer holidays if he could earn extra pocket money by doing gardening and other jobs around the house. From a young age he has known that you don’t comment on how people look.

I would be disappointed if my any of my boys were as entitled and lacking in empathy as OP describes her dd being.

I’d agree with all this. As the saying goes, the only exact science is hindsight. There’s things I wish I’d done differently as a parent but we can only move forwards and it’s never too late to make change.

No she just sounds like she's a teenage girl. Sounds like a good idea about university

Oh, he won’t.

She is finding herself, she’ll learn a lot at uni (especially if it’s a big city and not an insular, preppy type place). She can’t go too far wrong as she has a very conscientious mother by the sound of it! Have some gentle words with her where necessary, a few nudges in the right direction will be good food for thought.

*Really? Ok well my 3 ds must be quite odd then 🤔
*

Socrates was complaining about teenagers before the birth of Christ. As ungrateful, rude and difficult. So it's really not anything new.

Your 3 are a credit to you no doubt but please don't make out you haven't heard that they're not always like that.

Uni will be the making of her. She sounds like many of my Dd's friends. Once she has to sort herself out at Uni she will get more realistic. Others in the halls won't stand for her acting like she's still in school and bring her down to earth.

She is not horrible or unlikeable to me.
She needs polishing, a few rough edges. That, her peers will do.
And she needs showing the value of hard work and money. Now, that is your and DH's job and you have not finish it. You cannot just throw her to the lions, though. Tell her to get a summer job this year and save for uni. That will show her.

Don’t worry, she’ll go out into the world and learn how fortunate she is soon enough. I was a bit like your daughter, used to a lovely standard of living and it took me a while to adjust and I definitely wasn’t my best at 17.

Now I have my own DC and to be honest I don’t worry about it too much, I worry about those children who have abusive families or whose families aren’t able to provide them with a clean house and a full fridge. She has a loving family with good intentions and that’s the best start she could have asked for.

She's 17. Of course she wants to spend the summer shopping and hanging out with friends and take advantage of her parents' money. Of course she's flirty! And 17 year-olds do say insensitive things sometimes.

You actually don't sound very nice or grounded OP and you have very unrealistic expectations of a 17 year old girl. Your teenager is not a saint but she doesn't sound like a bad kid at all. Some people won't like her, big deal.

Why give her the minimum amount for uni, that's miserable?! Why would you not want her to be comfortable? Personally, my parents gave me everything I needed plus treat money as long as I did well at uni. I did do well, everyone was happy. Yes, your DD is luckier than many. So what??

I was a bit of an asshole at that age too. She may just grow out of it. I’d probably make sure she isn’t over spoiled at uni. That’s the time for her to start to grow up and understand that things won’t just appear on a plate for her and that she will have to work hard.

Also, thousands of people have spent an obscene amount on ts.

Is there q reason you would spend that on her ballet but you police your husbands choices?

Brilliant. Completely perfect were they?

I feel for you, OP, but at least you recognised what you've done. Life will knock it out of her though.

Er the OP is saying that herself, Sherlock.

Yep, those types always do.

And if she's gorgeous and charming and friendly and nice and popular ( like her friends say she is )

Good on her.

See, it's started already. 😁

I like nice and friendly people. Especially if they're charming. 😁👌

Maybe OP is resentful that daughter presents a nice charming face outside but is demanding and demonic to parents?

Understandably infuriating but I'd say that is normal for teens. (My mother resented my split personality so much she would often try to "call me out" and shame me in front of my friends, which I secretly think is due to her own unresolved issues, but externally we've hashed that grievance out anyway and all is forgiven 🤣)

Some young adults and even adults never grow out of the Jekyll and Hyde habit though. It's deeply unattractive to watch a grown up being nasty or demeaning to their ageing parents.