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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To make new mum life easier?

814 replies

Animallover87 · 17/07/2023 16:08

Due my first baby next month.

I know it'll be a huge life change and I'm keen to try and protect my mental health as far as possible by taking steps to make life a bit easier.

For example, I'm not going to try and breastfeed. I've bought a prep machine and was considering just using ready made formula for out and about to avoid faff.

Having a planned c section which most people seem to recover fairly quickly from and allows me to feel a bit more in control of what's going to happen.

Next 2 me on my DHs side of the bed so he can do the lifting baby etc during the night if I'm struggling with movement after c section at the beginning.

Any other tips, even if unpopular, to make life easier for myself as a first time mum?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
IsisoftheWalbrook · 20/07/2023 09:19

I had a wonderful breast pump that meant I could express milk and my partner could feed them. And it reduced the painful, swollen boobs.

My advice would be don’t plan too much. You cannot predict the way you will feel when the baby arrives. So much of parenthood is suck it and see. My children were all so different, you really just have to play it my ear, and remember that whatever your experience is, it is probably quite normal.

MariaVT65 · 20/07/2023 09:19

Goldenbear · 20/07/2023 08:56

I was responding to the point about a woman's choice. Well arguably perceiving a CS to be 'easier" is to do with this argument, why is it perceived as 'easier'. Everyone I know who had a CS found it much harder post birth.

I think you may missing a point here tbh.

Yes, a cs recovery may often be harder than a VB WITHOUT COMPLICATIONS.

However, the choice may well be down to factoring in what may happen during an attempted VB. Most of my friends who have been first time mums have needed some kind of intervention.

My neighbour opted for ELCS due to data released by her hospital. Over a year, 38% of women had an emergency c section, ventouse or forceps. That then didn’t include women who obv had elcs, but also women who had bad birthing injuries, such as tearing/prolapse etc. My friend was also denied an epidural as there were no staff to administer it. So there is also a risk of women not only going through a traumatic and painful birth, but also tearing their flesh with no pain relief.

I am also aware that one of the biggest reason for complaints is ‘midwife attitude’, such as not believing women about how far in labour they are.

There are many factors other than recovery that cause women to make this decision. Much of it has to do with the woman feeling like they are in control.

StormShadow · 20/07/2023 09:22

Goldenbear · 20/07/2023 08:56

I was responding to the point about a woman's choice. Well arguably perceiving a CS to be 'easier" is to do with this argument, why is it perceived as 'easier'. Everyone I know who had a CS found it much harder post birth.

As I said, none of what you wrote has to do with the OPs thread. And if there's one thing we should all be clear on by now, it's that the plural of anecdote is not data and none of us know enough people for our mates experience of recovery to be remotely definitive.

GiraffeLaSophie · 20/07/2023 09:33

loopyloutoo · 20/07/2023 03:45

Wow 690 responses. Instantly you know some twat has started on OP about decisions she's made about her own body. Nice. Women supporting women and all that. Hmm

Breastfeeding is a very emotive topic, so it always gets lots of responses. I imagine the OP would have got fewer comments about FF vs BF if she’d said that she wasn’t going to breastfeed because, having thought about it, she didn’t want to for various reasons. But her saying that she was going to FF because it’s easier led to lots of people who have experience telling her that it’s not easier.

Whether or not they’re right or not is a different matter, but you can’t really blame them for arguing their case when she’s asked for advice 🤷🏻‍♀️

Goldenbear · 20/07/2023 09:46

StormShadow · 20/07/2023 09:22

As I said, none of what you wrote has to do with the OPs thread. And if there's one thing we should all be clear on by now, it's that the plural of anecdote is not data and none of us know enough people for our mates experience of recovery to be remotely definitive.

The thread is about making life 'easier' many posters have pointed out that this may not make life easier post birth. Perceiving CS to be easier is just that a 'perception' but it is not fact. Questioning why this perception has come about in our society informs the decision making process to elect for a CS. You keep responding with the line, 'this has nothing to do with..' how does offering a differing opinion on what constitutes making life easier post birth have nothing to do with making life easier post birth? People's experiences in these scenarios are kind of what Mumsnet was about in the early days. I actually did come on here for advice that was informed by reality not text book information on bringing up babies or wanting data references from peer- reviewed publications. I found it really helpful for both concerns I had and solutions.

StormShadow · 20/07/2023 09:49

Goldenbear · 20/07/2023 09:46

The thread is about making life 'easier' many posters have pointed out that this may not make life easier post birth. Perceiving CS to be easier is just that a 'perception' but it is not fact. Questioning why this perception has come about in our society informs the decision making process to elect for a CS. You keep responding with the line, 'this has nothing to do with..' how does offering a differing opinion on what constitutes making life easier post birth have nothing to do with making life easier post birth? People's experiences in these scenarios are kind of what Mumsnet was about in the early days. I actually did come on here for advice that was informed by reality not text book information on bringing up babies or wanting data references from peer- reviewed publications. I found it really helpful for both concerns I had and solutions.

The post of yours I responded to was about your own personal experiences and wider lack of support for things OP doesn't want to do. Those things don't have anything to do with OPs request for other help aside from the choices she's already made.

89FTM · 20/07/2023 10:02

Hi @Animallover87

Skipped over most of the posts as I can see it went into the usual breast vs bottle, vaginal vs c-section debate, but wanted to actually answer because I saw your post and could have written it myself.

I gave birth to my beautiful baby in May via elective c-section and she was straight to formula (except for colostrum that I had harvested for her for her first few feeds, plus a couple of times on the boob after her delivery).

My c-section recovery was super smooth even to the point of the midwife doing my 5 day check saying she hadn’t seen such a well healing scar by day 5. I was out walking (very slowly!) for a loop around the street at day 6, going to a baby sensory class where I was able to sit on the floor (with my partner to help me back up!) at day 11. And while I appreciate that the experience is much different for others, particularly those who end up with an ECS, I feel being 100% the birth of my choice meant I was mentally prepared for it and the recovery, and this helped me through.

Some of my top tips are to keep on top of your pain medication. Don’t wait for pain to kick in before taking it as once you’re in a lot of pain it’s much harder to come back from it, so stay “topped up” as it were. Prioritise this with reminders/alarms if necessary.

Stay mobile. Don’t push yourself too far by any means, only lifting the weight of your baby etc. but DO go and make a cup of tea, DO get up and hobble to the toilet. Push your chin into your chest when getting yourself up. My midwife told me this and I don’t know how it works but it really takes a lot of the pressure off your tummy/scar.

Let your partner do the nappy changes in the early days as bending over or having to stretch or twist might be too difficult for your wound.

Regarding formula, if you’ve made your choice then stick to it. I nearly let people try to sway me or make me feel less of a mum for not trying to breast feed. Two months down the line I clearly see formula was 100% the right choice for me and my baby, who is absolutely thriving. The best thing for your baby and it’s development is a mum that is happy. Like yours, my partner is a very hands-on dad who takes very good care of us by cooking, cleaning etc. and he loves being able to feed her as it’s his chance to bond with her too and takes pressure off of me.

Use ready to feed formula in those early days and probably continue to during the night if you don’t like getting up to make bottles. The perfect prep has been a godsend but be warned it can make formula very frothy and this caused some reflux with mine. Try sterilising a spoon to use to take off the foam on top, or swirl/stir rather than shake the formula when making it. I’ve also found that for the cool water the machine adds at the end I tilt the bottle slightly (like pouring a beer) and this prevents a lot of the foam.

Mam bottles are great, but I also have a NUBY UV steriliser. It sterilises in 3 minutes, you can do more at a time than microwaving, and you don’t need to wait for them to cool down. Mam are definitely handy though for when you’re away from home or for anyone who might babysit. Even my technophobe mum can manage them and I don’t have to bring a steriliser to her house when I visit.

Final top tip is trust your instincts and don’t let well meaning people make you feel bad about your choices, particularly in those vulnerable, hormonal first few weeks. I wasted a lot of time feeling substandard for electing a c-section, but out of 8 women in my NCT class, 4 ended up with a c-section and 2 had incredibly traumatic vaginal births with long lasting complications/recoveries. It’s your baby, it’s your body and it’s your choice so don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself.

Good luck OP!

Goldenbear · 20/07/2023 10:06

StormShadow · 20/07/2023 09:49

The post of yours I responded to was about your own personal experiences and wider lack of support for things OP doesn't want to do. Those things don't have anything to do with OPs request for other help aside from the choices she's already made.

Like others who contribute to both this thread and Mumsnet threads on these topics, personal experiences can be very helpful as they can illustrate the real life outcome in these 'typical' scenarios that arise(in this case) during pregnancy and birth- forewarned is forearmed as they say. If you are requesting tips to make life easier post birth then all of these tips are open to scrutiny as they are, when it comes down to it, just one poster's opinion based on their own experience. Why are some tips that are personal opinion based on experience legitimate whereas others are dismissed as not being relevant?

Loopylambs · 20/07/2023 10:07

Remember the advice when flying , put your mask on first , before you assist others. Look after yourself so you can look after the baby. Make sure you have time for drinks/ snacks/ shower . When the baby is a few weeks old get you both out of the house , even if it’s for 10 minutes around the block , it makes a difference.

staringatthedoor · 20/07/2023 10:10

I'm the opposite with feeding. Can't imagine the faff of bottle feeding & sterilising & packing stuff to go out. Not to mention expensive. Just pop out a boob whereever I am. But fed is best so you do what you feel comfortable with.
Get the freezer full. Batch cook easy meals that can go in the microwave. Just add potatoes, pasta or rice (also get a microwave rice cooker-game changer)
Plenty of healthy (ish) snacks on hand.
Cordless vacuum. My best friend.
White noise machine. They do work. Most of the time.
Try out some good baby carriers for naps & walks. Pushchairs are such a faff on short trips. Test them with a doll/teddy/cat before baby arrives.
Get the house organised now, Chuck out what you don't need so clutter builds slower.
Baby clothes organised, cleaned & packed away in size order so their ready when you need them. & don't but too many. Keep it simple. No denim or silly outfits. You won't use them & baby will be so uncomfortable.
If they are having their own room get it loaded up with wipes & nappies etc or a big caddy you can take round the house.
A good swing. Bouncer is no good till their a few months old. Picked one up on Facebook & then sold it on. Don't buy new if you can avoid it.
Plenty of bed sheets available for baby sick incidents for quick changes.
Put a wash on every morning so don't get behind. Washing building up gives me anxiety....I also have a cleaning routine so I can do little and often & still have plenty of time with my babies. I spend most of my time alone with them as Dh is away a lot for work & it can be done.
Most important is just enjoy your little one & don't overthink things. You will be fine. Good luck.

sharonmight · 20/07/2023 10:14

"It’s your baby, it’s your body and it’s your choice so don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself."

This. All day. Nothing else matters, other than remembering this. No one else's experiences, unsolicited advice, judgments, nothing. Just remember it's your baby, your body and your choice.

sharonmight · 20/07/2023 10:18

@Goldenbear "Why are some tips that are personal opinion based on experience legitimate whereas others are dismissed as not being relevant?"

I imagine it's in the delivery of how you offer your experience. You can see it very clearly on some of these replies.

Some state they feel BFing would be easier but each to their own and offer advice on other areas as requested. Some go full hog into how BFing is best and insinuate that those who FF couldn't possibly have done any research and are being selfish. And some read all of OPs post before responding, respect her choices without judgement and offer advice as she requested.

Goldenbear · 20/07/2023 10:18

89FTM · 20/07/2023 10:02

Hi @Animallover87

Skipped over most of the posts as I can see it went into the usual breast vs bottle, vaginal vs c-section debate, but wanted to actually answer because I saw your post and could have written it myself.

I gave birth to my beautiful baby in May via elective c-section and she was straight to formula (except for colostrum that I had harvested for her for her first few feeds, plus a couple of times on the boob after her delivery).

My c-section recovery was super smooth even to the point of the midwife doing my 5 day check saying she hadn’t seen such a well healing scar by day 5. I was out walking (very slowly!) for a loop around the street at day 6, going to a baby sensory class where I was able to sit on the floor (with my partner to help me back up!) at day 11. And while I appreciate that the experience is much different for others, particularly those who end up with an ECS, I feel being 100% the birth of my choice meant I was mentally prepared for it and the recovery, and this helped me through.

Some of my top tips are to keep on top of your pain medication. Don’t wait for pain to kick in before taking it as once you’re in a lot of pain it’s much harder to come back from it, so stay “topped up” as it were. Prioritise this with reminders/alarms if necessary.

Stay mobile. Don’t push yourself too far by any means, only lifting the weight of your baby etc. but DO go and make a cup of tea, DO get up and hobble to the toilet. Push your chin into your chest when getting yourself up. My midwife told me this and I don’t know how it works but it really takes a lot of the pressure off your tummy/scar.

Let your partner do the nappy changes in the early days as bending over or having to stretch or twist might be too difficult for your wound.

Regarding formula, if you’ve made your choice then stick to it. I nearly let people try to sway me or make me feel less of a mum for not trying to breast feed. Two months down the line I clearly see formula was 100% the right choice for me and my baby, who is absolutely thriving. The best thing for your baby and it’s development is a mum that is happy. Like yours, my partner is a very hands-on dad who takes very good care of us by cooking, cleaning etc. and he loves being able to feed her as it’s his chance to bond with her too and takes pressure off of me.

Use ready to feed formula in those early days and probably continue to during the night if you don’t like getting up to make bottles. The perfect prep has been a godsend but be warned it can make formula very frothy and this caused some reflux with mine. Try sterilising a spoon to use to take off the foam on top, or swirl/stir rather than shake the formula when making it. I’ve also found that for the cool water the machine adds at the end I tilt the bottle slightly (like pouring a beer) and this prevents a lot of the foam.

Mam bottles are great, but I also have a NUBY UV steriliser. It sterilises in 3 minutes, you can do more at a time than microwaving, and you don’t need to wait for them to cool down. Mam are definitely handy though for when you’re away from home or for anyone who might babysit. Even my technophobe mum can manage them and I don’t have to bring a steriliser to her house when I visit.

Final top tip is trust your instincts and don’t let well meaning people make you feel bad about your choices, particularly in those vulnerable, hormonal first few weeks. I wasted a lot of time feeling substandard for electing a c-section, but out of 8 women in my NCT class, 4 ended up with a c-section and 2 had incredibly traumatic vaginal births with long lasting complications/recoveries. It’s your baby, it’s your body and it’s your choice so don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself.

Good luck OP!

This is just your experience though so in my NCT group which was 16 years ago, there was one CS, the rest were vaginal deliveries with degrees of success. Without question the CS post recovery was the hardest, that's even in comparison to my fairly problematic vaginal delivery. Both our posts just highlight the variety of outcomes but one is not more valid than the other and I'm unsure how it helps the OP.

Goldenbear · 20/07/2023 10:22

sharonmight · 20/07/2023 10:18

@Goldenbear "Why are some tips that are personal opinion based on experience legitimate whereas others are dismissed as not being relevant?"

I imagine it's in the delivery of how you offer your experience. You can see it very clearly on some of these replies.

Some state they feel BFing would be easier but each to their own and offer advice on other areas as requested. Some go full hog into how BFing is best and insinuate that those who FF couldn't possibly have done any research and are being selfish. And some read all of OPs post before responding, respect her choices without judgement and offer advice as she requested.

I FF DS at 2 months, how can I judge something to be terrible when I did it myself? There is no judgement, there is insight being offered which you do not have prior to having your baby.

Quartz2208 · 20/07/2023 10:32

The biggest single factor I think in making life easier is a supportive partner who recognises that they are a partner as well

Goldenbear · 20/07/2023 10:33

Goldenbear · 20/07/2023 10:22

I FF DS at 2 months, how can I judge something to be terrible when I did it myself? There is no judgement, there is insight being offered which you do not have prior to having your baby.

I exclusively BF DD until she was nearly 2, I can compare and contrast, definitely easier overall.

Equally, I don't think it is a bad thing co-sleeping with toddlers or staying with them until they fall to sleep as other posters have suggested is a down side to breast feeding that is inflicted on the breast feeding friends years on.

StormShadow · 20/07/2023 10:36

Goldenbear · 20/07/2023 10:06

Like others who contribute to both this thread and Mumsnet threads on these topics, personal experiences can be very helpful as they can illustrate the real life outcome in these 'typical' scenarios that arise(in this case) during pregnancy and birth- forewarned is forearmed as they say. If you are requesting tips to make life easier post birth then all of these tips are open to scrutiny as they are, when it comes down to it, just one poster's opinion based on their own experience. Why are some tips that are personal opinion based on experience legitimate whereas others are dismissed as not being relevant?

Sure, there are circumstances where personal experiences can be helpful. This isn't one of them. There's far too much variation in recovery processes for anyone's limited circle of friends to be useful, even if the OP had actually asked for that. She's better off looking at things like the NICE guidance, that isn't based on what can't be more than a few dozen people you've met.

And in answer to your last question, that's because some personal experiences have relevance to the question OP asked. Your friends having found their sections hard to recover from don't. That's just how advice works. The fact that some of it is is useful and relevant doesn't mean anything anyone wants to come out with is.

Goldenbear · 20/07/2023 10:59

StormShadow · 20/07/2023 10:36

Sure, there are circumstances where personal experiences can be helpful. This isn't one of them. There's far too much variation in recovery processes for anyone's limited circle of friends to be useful, even if the OP had actually asked for that. She's better off looking at things like the NICE guidance, that isn't based on what can't be more than a few dozen people you've met.

And in answer to your last question, that's because some personal experiences have relevance to the question OP asked. Your friends having found their sections hard to recover from don't. That's just how advice works. The fact that some of it is is useful and relevant doesn't mean anything anyone wants to come out with is.

The OP is literally asking for tips to make life easier post birth, tips from random posters everywhere, not just my 'friends', so an aggregate of opinion, not official guidelines on what makes life easier, opinions on what makes life easier. It is totally relevant as these opinions are that it doesn't always make life easier. You might not like that opinion but it doesn't change the opinion.

Your last paragraph doesn't make any sense, so only advice that validates the 'easier' notion as defined by the OP rather than medical realities that may contradict the notion of 'easier'. If you are totally closed off to hearing this, I'm not sure how that is helpful to someone looking for tips on ease post birth as it may be the case that it is very much harder.

BadNomad · 20/07/2023 11:04

She's asking for tips that will help a post-CS mother who is FF her baby. Saying "try breastfeeding" goes against what she is asking and therefore isn't helpful.

Babyboomtastic · 20/07/2023 11:04

I exclusively BF DD until she was nearly 2, I can compare and contrast, definitely easier overall.

I got to 2.5. I still found bottle feeding far easier. Different people find different things easy/hard.

The easiest way to feed is the way that you WANT to feed.

BadNomad · 20/07/2023 11:08

It's like someone saying they're going to Spain next month and asking people to recommend places to visit while there. Then people reply with "Go to France. The Eiffel Tower is better than anything in Spain. I've been to both. Definitely go to France."

Not helpful.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/07/2023 11:12

Wow some people on here really can’t bear the idea of a woman - a mother - not just thinking about her baby but also thinking of herself too!

Jeclop · 20/07/2023 11:19

I find it fascinating how we all have such different preferences. I was absolutely terrified of having to have a c section. It was my absolute worst nightmare. Apart from the horrid recovery I also didn't wan't the scar and hated how it damages your body.
Everyone I know who had a C-section has a C-section bump / bulging belly. Sounds vain, I know. But I had such a flat belly pre-kids.

holycannaloni · 20/07/2023 11:23

BadNomad · 20/07/2023 11:08

It's like someone saying they're going to Spain next month and asking people to recommend places to visit while there. Then people reply with "Go to France. The Eiffel Tower is better than anything in Spain. I've been to both. Definitely go to France."

Not helpful.

This is a great summation of this nightmarish thread 😅

Pressthespacebar · 20/07/2023 11:24

I think it’s mad to not try to give birth naturally and breastfeed, it’s not always difficult and you might even enjoy it! I loved it, done it 9 times!!