What to do about childcare as my parents have s****** me over

[WhatToDoNow86]

I have been a sahm for almost 6 years. Party because of my ds's needs as he has been diagnosed with autism at age 4 due to language delay and behaviour issues. He has settled well in reception this last year which I did not think would be possible as there was issues at pre school. I also have an 8 month old dd.
I have to start thinking about my career and financial future/ pension and I really don't want to continue to be a sahm. So I accepted a placement on an engineering doctoral training PhD scheme with the hope of this getting me into the world of work. I certainly don't want to give up this placement as such a good opportunity won't come around again.

Here is the dilemma. In February my parents offered that my mum would give up her part time job and stay with us for 4 days (staying over for 3 nights) and she would take care of my 8 month old. Dd would only need to go to nursery for 1 full day. I agreed to pay my mum 100 pounds a week for this since its cheaper than nursery and would mean dd doesn't have to go full time in nursery from 11 months old. Now they are asking about dd staying at their house every other week instead. They live 60 miles away. 2 and a half months before my Phd starts in October !!!!! Me and dh absolutely don't want my dd to be away from the house that long.
What should I do? With such sort notice. Do I hope that nursery can take her full time? What if I can't get a full time place for her. I get paid for doing the PhD which is just enough to cover full time nursery. I am fine with most of the money going on childcare as I just want this opportunity to hopefully get a good job after. I am quite angry with my parents for suddenly changing what was agreed on.

People are bonkers on this thread. Op didn't hold a gun to her mothers head and insist she must babysit her child. She offered! Many grandparents want to look after their grandkids, they enjoy it. Op wasn't entitled at all. I say this as someone who has absolutely no help with my own dc from family and would be very grateful for anything at all.

But all she did was take up an offer that has now been completely altered. I don't blame her for being annoyed. If they hadn't offered in the first place she could have made her own arrangements. Now it'll be hard because it's so late.

It's not a spot of babysitting to move in for several days a week, week in, week out. That's a job.

Have you asked at the university? They are used to short notice changes, staff coming and going. If you increase to full time now I'm sure they will have space

But she offered to do it!!!!

I agree, perhaps overly generous but she wasn't asked. She offered.

Well mum did realise it wasn't sustainable long term and realised and offered a solution, we don't know the exact circumstances maybe the op mum just offered too quickly the op should have maybe thought about it too.

And then she retracted it because the scale of the offer was beyond her. That's life.

@CornishGem1975 that's crazy. I guess it depends on the area you live and demand/availability of places.

Yeah, it's mental. In the first instance I had to place DS with a childminder for 4 months as I couldn't get a place and then trying to increase days took forever!

YABU this was never a workable plan and you were foolish for ever thinking it was.

So? She didn’t sign a contract and OP should have never accepted because it absolutely takes the piss.

I get OP feeling frustrated that the plans fell through, but she can’t make her mum do it, and what was she planning on doing if her mum got ill or found the arrangement too tiring? Just told her tough?! She needs to crack on with making other plans, along with her partner who is just as responsible for sorting childcare as she is but has hardly even been mentioned on this thread.

This! What you were originally proposing really was entitled and ridiculous.

60 miles each way.
£100 a week wages
How much is 240 miles of petrol?

Your mother was wrong to offer but you were also wrong to accept. It's far too much to expect of her and it would be totally unsustainable.

She should never have offered, ring round and see if you can get a nursery place somewhere else and put dd in full time

You're obviously an intelligent woman. You must have known this idea was never feasible

I’ve read all your posts and a few of the more recent contributions, apologies if I am repeating what someone else has said.

Ignore the people criticising you for allegedly taking advantage of your Mother- she offered and named her price and it was entirely fine for you to accept her offer. I think where you perhaps jointly fell down was properly stress-testing the proposal- sitting down all four of you- both parents and grandparents- and talking through the what ifs- what if you find the drive too much? What if DD gets sick? What if your Mum get sick? how will you feel when she is more mobile? What will you do with her all day- where are the good baby groups? Even an early warning that by agreeing to this set up you were forfeiting the chance for full time University nursery. This could have helped refine the plan and

It also seems weird that on the one hand you have a close and good enough relationship with her for her to offer to essentially live with you half the week, yet this change of mind seems to be very rigid, presented as a fait accompli, you feel hard done by and nobody has been able to look at a compromise or try gently to understand her concerns. Why/how do you think compromise and communication have broken down here? If you are so angry at the first wobble, perhaps the arrangement was never going to work anyway?

Turning to the nursery where DD will go one day a week (in the original plan) is this one near you? When my DS was small we looked at one day a week nursery to allow me a phased return to work but the nursery said it was not in the child’s best interests to go so infrequently. I think they were right. So having her there 2 or 3 days a week (with fewer days covered by your Mum) may not be such a bad thing anyway.

Hope fully you just need to rejig a bit. The beauty of a family arrangement is that it is very flexible and you can review as other factors change. Good luck.

Yes! Good lord. It is really shit of the parents to do this.

When I was much younger (early 20s), my aunt offered to pay for a summer course and to let me live with her during it. I was on cloud 9. So extraordinarily generous! I couldn't believe my good luck. I hadn't asked for it. I hadn't even thought to ask.

She reneged shortly before the course started, and I was not only stuck trying to find a place to live but also to find a way to fund the course, with the rest of the family frustrated at how I'd got into the situation by "failing to plan".

Such a cruel and selfish thing to do.

So many people on here don’t know what the childcare waiting lists are like. 2.5 months notice is very little time to find an almost full time childcare place.

You are expecting far too much... you want her too uproot her whole life, leave her home, do your child rearing and you'll only pay her pocket money.

Frankly your idea was pretty insane to begin with.

YANBU.
I think a lot of people are being harsh. Your mum offered to do this and named her price, which in hindsight has lots of problems with travel etc. however she has now realised this and left you high and dry.

The waiting list for nurseries around me is 6+ months, childminders similar. The popular nursery you have to put your deposit down while still pregnant!

on the positive side at least you have found out now, and maybe mum can cover a few weeks until the university nursery has a place. Then you will have stable reliable childcare while you study.

Reread OP's post. She starts in Oct, not Feb. Nursery places for university students at their university are like gold dust and go very quickly!

OP what was the plan when you and your partner decided to have a child? Was there any forethought to your careers or did you both just assume you would be a SAHM permanently? What has your partner offered in terms of supporting your career?

The problem with relying on family or friends is if something goes wrong you are left in the lurch. My mil provided childcare for a while but then suddenly became ill. We had a few very tricky weeks of juggling work and childcare before a nursery space became available.
It’s a big commitment and they have obviously had a change of heart, better to know now than later.

Your only option is to pay for a childminder or phone around nurseries. Don’t fall out with your parents because of this. As frustrating as it is, they are entitled to change their mind.
IMO it’s far better to pay for regular childcare to cover work responsibilities and keep family or friends for the odd bit of babysitting.

In some ways, it's a blessing.

Family agreements like this are always going to be subject to whims and changes. It's painful now but at least you know you need a more stable option and - hopefully! - can get one sorted so that the rest of your PHd is childcare-stress free.

@ChocChipHandbag Thank you, very good reply. Yeah 1 day probably is not good for dd to settle in anyway. Waiting to here back from University nursery and then one next to my sons school to see what available.