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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to do about childcare as my parents have s****** me over

352 replies

WhatToDoNow86 · 17/07/2023 10:09

I have been a sahm for almost 6 years. Party because of my ds's needs as he has been diagnosed with autism at age 4 due to language delay and behaviour issues. He has settled well in reception this last year which I did not think would be possible as there was issues at pre school. I also have an 8 month old dd.
I have to start thinking about my career and financial future/ pension and I really don't want to continue to be a sahm. So I accepted a placement on an engineering doctoral training PhD scheme with the hope of this getting me into the world of work. I certainly don't want to give up this placement as such a good opportunity won't come around again.

Here is the dilemma. In February my parents offered that my mum would give up her part time job and stay with us for 4 days (staying over for 3 nights) and she would take care of my 8 month old. Dd would only need to go to nursery for 1 full day. I agreed to pay my mum 100 pounds a week for this since its cheaper than nursery and would mean dd doesn't have to go full time in nursery from 11 months old. Now they are asking about dd staying at their house every other week instead. They live 60 miles away. 2 and a half months before my Phd starts in October !!!!! Me and dh absolutely don't want my dd to be away from the house that long.
What should I do? With such sort notice. Do I hope that nursery can take her full time? What if I can't get a full time place for her. I get paid for doing the PhD which is just enough to cover full time nursery. I am fine with most of the money going on childcare as I just want this opportunity to hopefully get a good job after. I am quite angry with my parents for suddenly changing what was agreed on.

OP posts:
Dulra · 17/07/2023 12:39

LimePi · 17/07/2023 12:27

Mum is a grown up though, she should take some responsibility for offering something herself. Why are you infantilising the OP’s mum? Instead of offering in February and then “realising” 6 months later, she should have thought about it better.

Show quote history

I am not infantilisng the mum, the mum has come to her senses and has realised she can't do what she originally offered, and yes she probably shouldn't have offered in the first place but I was merely pointing out that the mum shouldn't have offered but equally the op shouldn't have accepted. I am just questioning how the op ever even considered this offer in the first place.

TheBraveNecessities · 17/07/2023 12:44

I’m in the minority on mumsnet but I do think family should help each other out with childcare if they can. The suggestion of living with you was a big one but it’s a shame that they’re backing out now. I would say “Living without DD however many days a week/fortnight isn’t an option, it would be too hard. If you can no longer come here every week I totally understand, it’s a big commitment. I’m going to struggle getting DD into a nursery at such short notice, could you come and stay as agreed until I manage to enroll her somewhere full time?” This might buy you some time to get nursery sorted.

Stompythedinosaur · 17/07/2023 12:44

I think it was too big an ask.

I'd use nursery.

WomblingTree86 · 17/07/2023 12:45

Ohpleeeease · 17/07/2023 12:35

The OP is not in a worse place. She still has the offer of ridiculously cheap child care, once a fortnight, just not in her own home. She can accept this arrangement and be no worse off. She just doesn’t like it as much.

She is worse off because she would prefer that her child was in a nursery than 60 miles away and that's what would be happening if her mother hadn't made the offer. It may now be too late to get a nursery place as waiting lists are long usually.

Calmdown14 · 17/07/2023 12:46

Is there not a nursery at your university?

In all honesty this arrangement sounds too much for a long term arrangement. I know it's a nightmare now but it will be better to have proper care in the long term.

For now I'd be focusing on what they are able to do to get you to the point you can get a full time nursery place

Itsbritneybitch22 · 17/07/2023 12:47

I would get a Nanny if I was you. Not only for the little one but with your older one having additional needs, it could get very tricky navigating school life too.

I would never rely on family they always do this and always last minute, very annoying but just how it is.

Parkandpicnic · 17/07/2023 12:50

TheBraveNecessities · 17/07/2023 12:44

I’m in the minority on mumsnet but I do think family should help each other out with childcare if they can. The suggestion of living with you was a big one but it’s a shame that they’re backing out now. I would say “Living without DD however many days a week/fortnight isn’t an option, it would be too hard. If you can no longer come here every week I totally understand, it’s a big commitment. I’m going to struggle getting DD into a nursery at such short notice, could you come and stay as agreed until I manage to enroll her somewhere full time?” This might buy you some time to get nursery sorted.

I can understand helping out with childcare if no alternative and so grateful to my family and friends who have helped when no other options available but no way would I use them just to save a bit of money so can live in nicer house/afford to go on holiday/generally live a better lifestyle like I see lots of people doing. It’s a major ask to ask someone to care for your child and not one people feel they can say no to even if they don’t want to do it and asked indirectly

Luxell934 · 17/07/2023 12:52

You’ve have your mum do two 120+ mile trips weekly and take care of your daughter 4 days a week for £100? Seriously?

It seems fair to me if she wants to have your daughter at her house every other week considering everything else she would be giving up for you. Her freedom, job, pension and NI contribution, friends, time with her husband.

She hasn’t really let you down because she’s still willing to do the 4 days, just half of it at her house.

horseyhorsey17 · 17/07/2023 12:54

It was inevitable that this was going to turn into a thread where MNrs judged the OP for paying her mum - her kids' grandma - less than the market rate for childminding. The current economy is basically dependent on grandmas doing this. Lots of grandmas ARE happy to do this. That bit is between the OP and her mum and there's no suggestion that her mum changed her mind about childminding for financial reasons. Unfortunately, though, this is the problem with relying on family/unpaid childcare - it is not reliable. It is much, much easier to have a good local childminder who does it as a job and therefore is reliable. That would be here I'd start with this OP - try looking on local community forums or asking at playgroup who other people use for childminding. I had a brilliant one in London when I went back to work when my kids were babies, and I much preferred it to nursery as she was more flexible about hours, and was also happy to childmind at weekends or do babysitting in the evening.

SkaterBrained · 17/07/2023 12:55

It's "screwed"

I think you talk to your mum and work it out together. Can you maybe drive to your parents' on Sunday, leave DD for 2 nights and your mum drive her back Tuesday. So only 2 nights away from home for each of them?

Can you find out when Uni nursery gets a place and just work it out with your mum until then. It might feel less daunting for her if it's 6 months she's signing up for, rather than 3yrs.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 17/07/2023 12:55

Perhaps split the difference and daughter goes to nursery 2 days one week and three days the next. Mum can stay alternate weeks and have daughter at hers alternate weeks? So you’re only away from her for a couple of days every fortnight? Worth the sacrifice surely to facilitate everyone?

Highdaysandholidays1 · 17/07/2023 12:57

A few things. One is that relying on a parent to do all the childcare is always problematic anyway, as everyone gets colds/flu in the autumn/winter and expecting mum to drive over, 60 miles, look after kids when cold/flu/sickness bug is a nightmare, it's bad enough when the kids are ill. Same problem with nannies, but the nanny is usually younger and closer geographically.

Second, there's always a lot of shifting at unis so I would put your name down for the uni nursery and you may well find enough days come up.

Finally I don't know if the funded PhD includes a Masters if so there may be more hours, a PhD on its own is usually more flexible.

I think you are being a bit mean to your mum, her current offer is still pretty generous and I hope for your sake she doesn't read this as if I read this from my dd I would just not bother offering to look after her child 4 days a week which is still pretty generous. Also, I wonder if your mum might do a shorter visit one/two days a week, I know someone whose parent does that and that seems to work well and would mean nursery only two days a week.

Stay flexible and try not to be too cross, a childminder or nanny can also get sick, decide they don't want to take your child, finish their job or otherwise disrupt the plans- no plan is foolproof and this one was just a step too far.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 17/07/2023 12:58

I meant nursery three days a week. Talk to her about why she doesn't want to stay over now, and if there's any wiggle room, or your dd going one/two days to hers (would this feel more manageable, and if it's too far for you and too disruptive, think about what it would be for her). That would be just one night away a fortnight.

horseyhorsey17 · 17/07/2023 12:58

TheBraveNecessities · 17/07/2023 12:44

I’m in the minority on mumsnet but I do think family should help each other out with childcare if they can. The suggestion of living with you was a big one but it’s a shame that they’re backing out now. I would say “Living without DD however many days a week/fortnight isn’t an option, it would be too hard. If you can no longer come here every week I totally understand, it’s a big commitment. I’m going to struggle getting DD into a nursery at such short notice, could you come and stay as agreed until I manage to enroll her somewhere full time?” This might buy you some time to get nursery sorted.

I agree - and she's going back to study, not to work, so money will be an issue. I help out my family with childcare for free when they need it - admittedly not on a regular basis as I work full-time and have kids of my own, but I wouldn't dream of asking for money for babysitting or having my nieces and nephews to stay when my siblings have other stuff on. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your mum to support you on a short-term basis, and her mum didn't have to agree. She did though and has now changed her mind late in the day, and that's the problem here.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 17/07/2023 12:59

@MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot great minds think alike!

oi0Y0io · 17/07/2023 12:59

I understand why you feel upset that they have changed their minds, I think it was naive and short-sighted of your parents to offer but at the same time surely you can see that you would be exploiting them?

Summerishere123 · 17/07/2023 13:00

Easy fix surely? You either add an extra day of nursery and say yes but for fewer days a week or you say no and put her in nursery full time.

Gall10 · 17/07/2023 13:05

If you think your very generous mum has screwed you over because she wants to have a life of her own…l pity your poor mum!

ladyvivienne · 17/07/2023 13:08

I think it's disgusting you were expecting /happy with your mum doing this in the first place. Not her child. 4 days a week - 3 nights - full care of a baby - you were completely taking the piss. She's done her parenting. You do yours.

Disgusting. I would never treat my mum this way.

Your child. You find paid appropriate childcare and let your parents be grandparents and see the children for fun.

DoggyDaydreaming · 17/07/2023 13:10

In your shoes I'd get on the waiting list of any suitable nurseries, but also look at local childminders too. May also be worth seeing if a Nanny could be used to make up childcare shortfall.

Would your mum be open to a compromise of going back to the original plan (her looking after DD at yours only), but on the basis that you'll be actively seeking childcare ASAP, so it would just be a short term arrangement.

I can understand why you are frustrated at the short notice of your mum wanting to change plans, but IMO this is the issue with family-based childcare and it's a risk you take along with the benefits that it brings. Things can and do go wrong. At least you know where you stand with paid childcare and have a contract, etc.

I can also understand your mum changing her mind, it's quite a big deal what she agreed to do.

Purplebunnie · 17/07/2023 13:14

Itsbritneybitch22 · 17/07/2023 12:47

I would get a Nanny if I was you. Not only for the little one but with your older one having additional needs, it could get very tricky navigating school life too.

I would never rely on family they always do this and always last minute, very annoying but just how it is.

Really family always do this!! Well maybe in your case

I went to my daughters house every day after GC was born to help her out at her request. There a 8:30, left at 17:00. Over time the hours I give have reduced since she's gone back to work and has nursery, but nursery messed daughter about so I have GC 1 afternoon a week until September and another afternoon a week as she has found some extra WFH

How much have I been paid for this - absolutely nothing. Daughter never offered and I wouldn't take it if she did.

I also gave up work to do this as well

So not all familys can't be relied upon

And the reason I do it? Well I am lucky that I can I suppose

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 17/07/2023 13:14

Is there a compromise?
Could Mum come down, stay overnight doing 2 days a week? Seems better to me. Find nursery for the other days.
I don't think it's leaving you high and dry, they have just realised what they have taken on.

CornishGem1975 · 17/07/2023 13:15

blahblahblah1654 · 17/07/2023 10:18

You have months until February to find a place. I don't see the problem? She's changed her mind and that's that. It's a big commitment and fair enough it's annoying for you but that's life.

I had to wait 12 months to get one extra day at nursery, it's not that simple.

OP, I'd sort your own childcare, speaking from experience. My inlaws offered to help with childcare but they've let me down so many times and left me right in the shit with work - and there's no comeback because I have to be 'grateful' even though it was their idea. It's been a LOT less stress with DS in nursery instead.

Naunet · 17/07/2023 13:20

So your parents didn’t offer, your mum did. I don’t see where your dad was offering anything? If he was, then what is he offering now? What is your husband doing to resolve this issue? Has he applied for flexi hours at work?

Scarlettpixie · 17/07/2023 13:22

You say they are asking for DD to stay at theirs but have you said you don’t want that? If so are they saying then your mum won’t do it? I can’t work out if you are just annoyed at the suggestion or not and that if you say no, you go back to plan A.

it does sound a lot for your mum and not surprisingly they are having second thoughts.