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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to do about childcare as my parents have s****** me over

352 replies

WhatToDoNow86 · 17/07/2023 10:09

I have been a sahm for almost 6 years. Party because of my ds's needs as he has been diagnosed with autism at age 4 due to language delay and behaviour issues. He has settled well in reception this last year which I did not think would be possible as there was issues at pre school. I also have an 8 month old dd.
I have to start thinking about my career and financial future/ pension and I really don't want to continue to be a sahm. So I accepted a placement on an engineering doctoral training PhD scheme with the hope of this getting me into the world of work. I certainly don't want to give up this placement as such a good opportunity won't come around again.

Here is the dilemma. In February my parents offered that my mum would give up her part time job and stay with us for 4 days (staying over for 3 nights) and she would take care of my 8 month old. Dd would only need to go to nursery for 1 full day. I agreed to pay my mum 100 pounds a week for this since its cheaper than nursery and would mean dd doesn't have to go full time in nursery from 11 months old. Now they are asking about dd staying at their house every other week instead. They live 60 miles away. 2 and a half months before my Phd starts in October !!!!! Me and dh absolutely don't want my dd to be away from the house that long.
What should I do? With such sort notice. Do I hope that nursery can take her full time? What if I can't get a full time place for her. I get paid for doing the PhD which is just enough to cover full time nursery. I am fine with most of the money going on childcare as I just want this opportunity to hopefully get a good job after. I am quite angry with my parents for suddenly changing what was agreed on.

OP posts:
Tryingmuchharder · 17/07/2023 12:13

WeightInLine · 17/07/2023 10:12

YABVU.

Sorry, but you expect your DM to be live in childcare for below market rate and now you are surprised she wants to be in her own home some of the time? You are so unreasonable.

Blimey OP, if I were in your shoes I’d be sending her flowers for even offering this.

This.

What an entitled OP. Mum should up and come 60 miles to look after children whilst OP does a PhD. Won't consider the needs of mother at all. Glorified babysitter on the cheap and a long way from home.

Tryingmuchharder · 17/07/2023 12:15

Did she blank out 'shafted'

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/07/2023 12:16

4 days every week wirh your mum at yours and away ddin her dh your dad is a lot

Same as you feel your baby if she goes to them for the week. You will miss her

Maybe 2 days a week would be a compromise

Mum gets up early mon am. Drives to yours. Stats Monday night. Drive shine tue eve

Or pay for childcare - 5 days care is a lot when not earning anything

Cornishclio · 17/07/2023 12:16

As a GM myself I think your mum was rash to make such an offer and you shouldn't have accepted it without there being some time to mull it over. I think you just need to sort out full time childcare and you have more than two months so hopefully there will be something. Can your DH help out? Childcare is not just on you.

Original poster
WhatToDoNow86 · 17/07/2023 12:17

@AgingLikeAFineJacobsCreek that is what I am now going to do but I won't be able to get a full time place at the nursery at the University at such short notice. I would have been in a better place to get a nursery full time if my mum had not offered. So it is the short notice and that I am in a worse place.

OP posts:
WomblingTree86 · 17/07/2023 12:18

Greentree1 · 17/07/2023 12:08

Maybe your DF has realised his wife is going to be away a lot of the time and he would like to see a bit of her too. They are doing you a big favour for practically nothing, why not let the 8 mo old stay a few nights a fortnight with his grandparents, you'll still have him most of the time and if you are doing a course you may need some peaceful study time as well. Might work out best all round.

They aren't doing her a huge favour though because OP doesn't want to use her for childcare anymore, given it would involve not seeing her child and it will be harder to get a nursery place now than it would have been a few months ago.

Dulra · 17/07/2023 12:18

OP I feel you are not taking any responsibility for the agreement you made with your mum. It is obvious to everyone reading this that it was completely unrealistic and an over the top suggestion. If my mum had suggested it to me I would never have considered it I would have thanked for her kind offer and declined. You seem to have been so focused on solving the childcare issue that you never once reflected on the offer and how ,much it was asking of your parents and how much it would impact their life. I really don't know how you ever felt happy to accept it!

Your mum obviously has "offer" remorse, no doubt she spoke to her friends about it who have made her see sense. She is trying to come up with a compromise so she doesn't leave you with nothing but you need to cut your losses and look for a more realistic childcare option. Would an au pair work? you obviously have room in your house because you were going to out your mum

Original poster
WhatToDoNow86 · 17/07/2023 12:19

Have you contacted the nursery to find out if there is a full time place for your daughter? Yes the University one - zero chance though. Will contact the nursery next to my sons school next and hopefully I can get full time with combination of both of them.

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 17/07/2023 12:20

I'd just look for any nearby nursery place until a space at the university becomes available.

Shoxfordian · 17/07/2023 12:22

Don’t really see the issue, your mum didn’t say she wouldn’t look after your daughter anymore - she just said she could do some weeks with her at her house.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 17/07/2023 12:22

Have you spoken to your mum and explained what this means? Maybe it’s just an idea she was thinking I’d rather than saying they could only do this now

Endlesssummer2022 · 17/07/2023 12:22

I can see why you’re annoyed because you’re now in a worse situation then when you started.

I know people IRL who enthusiastically offer more than they can give and it causes so much trouble. It’s because of this that I usually pay for professional help rather than rely on any offers of help. Been let down by enthusiastic offerers who drop out at the last minute with everything from dog sitting to babysitting

Imsureitsprobablymebut · 17/07/2023 12:23

You need to su for the nursery placement. That’s what nursery is for.

Comtesse · 17/07/2023 12:23

Your mum’s 2nd offer is completely impractical, but her initial proposal was also not very sensible. Fingers crossed that you can find a nursery with space….

Mrsjayy · 17/07/2023 12:23

WhatToDoNow86 · 17/07/2023 12:17

@AgingLikeAFineJacobsCreek that is what I am now going to do but I won't be able to get a full time place at the nursery at the University at such short notice. I would have been in a better place to get a nursery full time if my mum had not offered. So it is the short notice and that I am in a worse place.

You are not in the worst place you just need to re think.arrangements you need to not catastrophise and see if you can get a nanny for the alternate week. Do upj

Imsureitsprobablymebut · 17/07/2023 12:23

Pay not su !

WomanUnknown · 17/07/2023 12:26

Honestly, the first arrangement was never going to work long term. I’d be relieved to know now.

Focus on finding a childminder or nursery. I think your original arrangement is incredibly selfish btw.

ElFupacabra · 17/07/2023 12:27

Did your mum say she won’t look after your daughter if she doesn’t have one week at her house? Could you / your husband drive to collect her if she’s there instead of her staying over? I understand she offered but perhaps she didn’t realise the massive undertaking this would be to be uprooted from her home for presumably years while you do your phd?

LimePi · 17/07/2023 12:27

Dulra · 17/07/2023 12:18

OP I feel you are not taking any responsibility for the agreement you made with your mum. It is obvious to everyone reading this that it was completely unrealistic and an over the top suggestion. If my mum had suggested it to me I would never have considered it I would have thanked for her kind offer and declined. You seem to have been so focused on solving the childcare issue that you never once reflected on the offer and how ,much it was asking of your parents and how much it would impact their life. I really don't know how you ever felt happy to accept it!

Your mum obviously has "offer" remorse, no doubt she spoke to her friends about it who have made her see sense. She is trying to come up with a compromise so she doesn't leave you with nothing but you need to cut your losses and look for a more realistic childcare option. Would an au pair work? you obviously have room in your house because you were going to out your mum

Mum is a grown up though, she should take some responsibility for offering something herself. Why are you infantilising the OP’s mum? Instead of offering in February and then “realising” 6 months later, she should have thought about it better.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/07/2023 12:27

60 miles away, will her pay even cover tbe petrol? I think they've just really thought through all the practicals and relapsed it's not feasible. Either offer her a PROPER wage or use nursery. Apologise and say yo u accept it was a huge thing to put on her and you shouldn't have accepted to start with

Coffeetree · 17/07/2023 12:28

WeightInLine · 17/07/2023 10:12

YABVU.

Sorry, but you expect your DM to be live in childcare for below market rate and now you are surprised she wants to be in her own home some of the time? You are so unreasonable.

Blimey OP, if I were in your shoes I’d be sending her flowers for even offering this.

I mean, yes it's a generous offer but was OP supposed to know it wasn't serious?

I don't know how the parents usually are but clearly the OP trusted that this was a real offer, and relied on it.

I'd be very hesitant to accept such a generous offer from some of my relatives but only because I'd suspect a set-up (either a flake or getting screamed at). But that's them.

KingsHeath53 · 17/07/2023 12:29

Childminder? Lots are cheaper than nursery and open to flexing their hours a bit more so maybe they could do every other week or something whilst your mum still does some

forgotmyusername1 · 17/07/2023 12:33

could you try their offer while trying to sort out childcare

it may work out really well and if it does then don't take the place

if it doesn't then change as soon as childcare comes up

Ohpleeeease · 17/07/2023 12:35

The OP is not in a worse place. She still has the offer of ridiculously cheap child care, once a fortnight, just not in her own home. She can accept this arrangement and be no worse off. She just doesn’t like it as much.

Ohpleeeease · 17/07/2023 12:36

Sorry, I mean that the childcare won’t be in her own home once a fortnight, the alternate week it will be.