A Baby..is this the beginning of the end?

[HiLee19]

Basically been together with my DH for 14 years, 4 years married.
Before marriage I was always open that I don’t foresee myself having kids, it’s just not something I ever longed for. My husband was undecided at that point but didn’t mind. So in the recent year he has started pestering me about having a baby, yesterday we got into a heated argument about it and he threatened to divorce if we are not gonna try to a baby. The issue is I have no excuse NOT to have a kid. We have a great set-up; a huge house, cars holidays, very busy social life both, DH is a high earner, my income is 65k and with a potential promotion could significantly increase. He is happy for me to be a SAHM but it’s not something I would consider, as I like my financial independence but the option is there if I want it.
Also we have the best relationship, we barely ever argue that why I’m a bit shaken by the argument we had last night. We have everything to give the best life to a child but my biggest worry is that this all will end once we have a child. We have some friends who have kids and who are child free by choice, somehow the ones with kids their happiness have dramatically decline since having babies.
AIBU to think that my life will become miserable once we have a kid? I’m worried that I will start to resent DH, he is not very hands on with household, we have a clearer that comes 2x a month but the most cleaning and cooking is on me. Also at the moment I’m feeling like I’m getting pushed into having a kid but I don’t want to lose my DH. We met when we were in late teens I feel like we have matured and grown up together while building this amazing life together. I love my husband and would even consider to give him a child but I’m worried that will resent him and a baby. So basically is this the beginning of the end of this beautiful life we have built together. Unfortunately I don’t see any way out of it to please both sides. Any advice?

If you see it as "giving your husband a baby" then it's definitely not for you! Nothing wrong with that. Hold your ground, and best of luck whatever happens

I disagree! I absolutely didn't want kids till mid 30s, was such a surprise to everyone.

So you’re suggesting that a woman who DOESN'T WANT A CHILD, has one anyway because she probably won’t regret it? Is that how casually some people take having a child? Completely irresponsible and you clearly have no concept of what it’s like to not want a child.

OP I hope your work trip goes well. I am a mum of 3 and children are very hard work and I suspect your husband is under estimating how much hard work they are. You absolutely don't need to have children. You should have them because you want them not because you feel pressured but equally he can't help wanting children now.

Obviously it's totally your choice if you decide to have a child but if your already doing most of the cooking, cleaning etc then your probably right it will be you doing the day to day work of child rearing especially if he wants you to be a SAHM. I work very part time hours as I like being home with the kids and we actually can't afford childcare for 3 kids plus one of my kids has significant additional needs. Honestly some days I envy DH walking out the door and away from the chaos, endless mess, day to day routine and bickering from the kids. I found working a full time management role much easier than being a SAHM.

According to studies, those who choose to remain child free aren’t any more likely to experience regret than parents:
https://futurism.com/neoscope/study-childless-couples-feel-no-regrets

“We found no evidence that older child-free adults experience any more life regret than older parents,"

People can and do regret having children. Because some have taken the risk and haven’t regretted it doesn’t mean that OP would be one of them.

I married my husband (among many many other reasons) because he also doesn't want children, and I like being on the same page about that. If he changed his mind and put this sort of pressure on me I'd be out the door.

So sorry OP. Sending strength.

So you’re suggesting that a woman who DOESN'T WANT A CHILD, has one anyway because she probably won’t regret it?
No, it's not what I'm suggesting at all. What I'm saying is that you never fully know in advance.

My grand mother was the one desperate for a child at 40 years old. My grand father wasn't that keen at 45. They were both childless. My grand mother didn't want children until suddenly that was all she could think of. My grandfather agreed because he didn't want to lose her. She had my mum at 45 and... didn't embrace motherhood as she'd expected. She was a good mum in a dutiful way and loved my mum but always long for her independence. My grandfather on the other hand discovered how much he adored being a father and was amazing.

My point is that there is a lot of uncertainty either way. Of course if you are absolutely adamant you dont want children, you shouldn't do so.

The sacrifice of having a child is so huge, for 20 years and beyond.

It is hard to put into words the enormity of the commitment and daily effort.

Me and my friends all agree on one point, when you have children you are "only ever as happy as your least happy child."

It is exhausting, especially if you are still rearing in your 50's.

I have several childless friends and they have the fullest of contented lives and relationships.

Absolutely no regrets.

Unfortunately your husband is selfish and lazy, two of the worst traits in a man to have children with.

That laziness goes to their core.
He has had time to share the load but has chosen not to.

So many women write on MN that they deeply regret thinking they would step up and change after children, discounting the red flags about their lazy selfish personality.

They in fact got worse and took up new interests and 100% maintained THEIR social life.

Men don't change overnight and want to stay home.
New babies are often boring to them so they head out and carry on as before.

I really hope you will focus on the truth of how litte he does, how he likes his social life, how this will change your life forever not his, and be fully clear in your head when you make your decision.

You do not owe him a child.

This. Also, there is a massive difference between wishing you’d never had a child and wanting to get rid of the child you have. I have no doubt there are very few women ‘who would give anything to go back and never have their child’. Once the child is here, I am sure most women love him or her.

That doesn’t mean that a childless woman will regret not having kids!

I’m currently in my late 40s with no children. I don’t regret it at all. I have a good, well paid job that requires me to travel on random days at short notice. I couldn’t do it and be the primary carer for a smaller child.

My previous job required me to move cities and the one before that was shift work - again difficult with small children.

Basically, if I’d had children at any point in the last 25 years, my life wouldn’t be where it is today and I’m happy as things are.

I was like you until my late 30s, had never thought of having kids. Then I just realised that I wanted something else in my life - I'd travelled pretty much everywhere I wanted to travel, I'd taken on all kinds of work challenges, but what I actually wanted was family and community. Having kids does completely change your social life, but in my case for the better. Forget fast cars, I now have an excuse to ride a kick scooter whilst pursuing a speedy 3-year old who is riding his. Forget fancy recipes - I have a chef's assistant who is happy to mix chocolate cake with his hands. It's a huge amount of work but absolutely worth it to experience the world every day through a child's eyes, and to be a family in our community rather than just feeling that I was living for myself. I've also become much closer to family and friends.

But kids aren't the only way. I had decided that if I didn't get pregnant I was going to take on a very significant volunteering role. I think the most important thing you and your husband need to do is sit down and decide what you are looking for - not just in the next few months, but in general as you move towards middle age. Life is fun now, but is this also what you want in 10 years? 20 years?

No, just as some women know and have always known they want children, some know they don’t. I hate this idea that women don’t know their own minds.

You don't need an "excuse" not to have a child, OP, the simple fact that you don't want one is good enough. I never wanted children, never had them, and I have never regretted that choice, even though it cost me a couple of otherwise fantastic relationships over the years.

I think pressurising a partner to have a child they don't want is really unfair, too.

Agreed. OP has chosen not to have children and that choice should be respected.

I knew from a young age I didn't want children and would be rich if I had a pound for every "you might change your mind" I've had.

"Of course...if we adopt, and you're a SAHF".

Yes babies and small children are hard work. Yes they are also brilliant. My daughters have brought unimaginable joy to my life, it isn’t all stress and exhaustion. I am in my late fifties with teenagers and we laugh so much when we are together, they are really good fun.
All that is irrelevant of course if you don’t want a child ever.
If you are certain that you will never want children, and your husband is certain that he does very much want them , then there is no compromise. You would need to separate for him to find a partner to have children with.
I almost hit this point with my DH (I was the one who wanted a baby), thankfully for both of us he changed his mind.

I can't believe that nearly 20% of posters who voted think you are being unreasonable.

Are these the relentlessly broody women who simply can't envisage life without children?

IMO, you need to really want children in order to deal with the relentless drudgery and lows that having children entails.

Don't have children.
You may lose him but I would first try and get him to see the actuality of having children .

Ask him if he would be prepared to be a sahp, How would he feel if you split up anyway and he was the resident parent with you doing every other weekend. Is there a small child of a friends he can look after for a weekend, make him do most of it and have your life change very little.

He wants you to facilitate him having the instagram family life he needs to know that won't happen.

A week away is a good idea.

Definitely don’t do it just to please your DH. You could have a hard pregnancy, bad birth, PND- and you’ve basically told us your DH will do f all around the house.

If you have a baby and don’t love motherhood (many of us find the first year a huge struggle, even if we did want to be mothers) then the resentment will set in and you’ll end up loathing your husband, and maybe divorcing anyway.

It’s really hard because you can’t know if you’ll like motherhood until it’s too late. A child deserves to be loved, cherished and wanted.

You’ve got a lot to think about, but as a mother who had PND and struggled a lot in the first year (albeit I adore my DS and enjoy motherhood now), I couldn’t recommend it unless you’re truly committed to the idea; particularly not if you’ve got a lazy DH.

Have you spent much time with children? Like at least 24 hours or a weekend or a week? It's hard to understand the full level of commitment if you've mainly seen kids for a few hours at a time, especially if it's at parties etc where they're not in their usual element.

You could also sit down and sketch out what would change in your lifestyle if you had kids. Would DH be prepared to go part time? How would you manage nursery and school runs? What hobbies and social habits would he give up? Who would be in charge of all the housework and admin? Who would get up at night? Would you need to change car, change your house, go on different holidays? (The answer is probably yes)

Ultimately if you don't want a baby, don't have one. Definitely don't have one with a man who is already out of the house for long hours and doesn'tdo any of the domestic stuff. Having a baby multiplies the amount of work to be done considerably.

I was never driven my maternal urges. But feeling vague (self imposed) pressure to make my parents delighted and seeing a DP who badly wanted a baby as an opportunity, I went ahead. As a mum at the very mature span of the childbearing years.

I honestly didn’t find it, per se, especially exhausting or the ‘hardest thing I have ever done’. Yes, the sleepless nights were tiring, but I didn’t feel subsumed by motherhood.

I took 4 months maternity leave before going p/t for a couple of months and then back 4 days a week.

Things that helped:

Dp was 50/50 with the parenting. We both did 4 days a week and paid for 3 days nanny / nursery.
he was 50/50 over Dr appointments, sick days, other kids birthday parties, mental load of planning, proper co-parenting

I saw myself as a woman who had a child, kept my identity as a <<job title>> alongside this

We carried on doing stuff. Travelled light, didn’t adopt a parent martyr outlook. (Not saying everyone who finds it hard or daunting has this outlook, there are factors that make life post baby v hard. PND, health issues, etc)

However, it did take a toll on our relationship. I did want to feel ‘like a family’, loved being co-parents, but it picks away at the glue between you.

Money really really helps. A nanny. A cleaner (often). A babysitting service. Help from a maternity nurse / sleep person if you need it. We didn’t have ££ for these things but I could see friends who did benefitting.

I am glad I took the opportunity, but on the other hand my life would have continued in a happy and fulfilled way had I remained child free.

Good luck with your decision making process OP.

Omg this! Exactly the situation I had!

Get him one of those education doll babies that need constant tending or they scream, tell him to take a week's paternity leave, and see how you both get on. If the doll gets thrown again a wall or hidden in the boot of the car within 48 hours, you have your answer..

If everything in the house falls to you now, it will tenfold when a baby comes along. Ask him, why does he want a child? Is he going to take parental leave like you will to bond and nurture the child? Doubt it. You will have a baby and it will ALL be left to you. He will flit in and out and do the minimum like a lot of father's. Mum is an exhausted wreck in the corner while dad's life remains much the same as before. A tale as old as time.

This was me nearly 6 years ago, I was forced in to having a baby, and had the same thoughts and everything else you have said here, and what has been said in the replies are spot on, and a lot of what I thought then and still go through in my head now.
We didn't have the happy relationship or the lifestyle you have, and I'm not sure why in amongst what you mention being part of a good life, is a social life, as that will all go when you have a baby, and as you have a DH who doesn't mind you staying at home' indicates a few things. Plus that I doubt he will be willing to stay in with his own baby whilst you go out etc.
I wouldn't try to enforce my situation on another because I wish I had done differently and so therefore it would be a mistake for you too. I am saying it because you do not want a baby and are merely thinking about having one for your DH.
I was also told that if I didn't do it we would have to break up, and having been abused for years, I was in tears thinking I could not let that happen, so I went along with it, rather than letting him walk. There is also another reason that my exP pushed for a baby and had that reason not existed believe me he wouldn't have.

I have days many days and occasions where I feel trapped, unhappy, sure I had various issues in the past, prior to a baby coming in to the picture, so I'm not saying my life would have been all smiles and happy even if I hadn't had a baby. But what I mean is, I didn't need that added factor.

I really do hope for your sake you stick with your gut feeling. Because once you go down that path, there is no going back.

Definitely this.

He wants a child. But does he want to raise it, or does he want one because that's "what you're supposed to do"?

I'd bet a lot of money that all the care and raising would fall on you. The one who'd always said she didn't want that life.

Just don't. He changed his mind and is free to leave. But don't have a child for someone else. That's not fair on the child or you.