Page 6 | Prepared for a flaming! WABU?

Moonandme123 · 2023-07-16T18:26:43+00:00

This is a long time coming. I often think about talking about it on here as I can’t decide if I was unreasonable. I will leave some info out so as not to out myself! My husband was due to work as a videographer at his brothers wedding. The night before me and DH had a huge row and he hit me. I called the police and they put him in a cell overnight. I then called MIL and explained (BIL was at her house) and said it was unlikely that he would be out in time for the wedding ( he had also been aggressive to the police when arrested) so he would not be able to come to the wedding and do the filming. She shouted at me and was really nasty. Now none of DH family speak to me as I apparently ruined the wedding. Am I being unreasonable?

JMSA · 17/07/2023 06:45

You must have known you weren't going to get a flaming for this. Mumsnet is rightfully very supportive of domestic abuse victims.

PandaPouch · 17/07/2023 07:16

WildUnchartedWaters · 16/07/2023 21:55

I think the fact her own mother agrees may show there is more to this.

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This...

PandaPouch · 17/07/2023 07:16

Hankunamatata · 16/07/2023 22:10

You stayed with a man who hit you and then you called police to arrest him.
By staying with him you have minimised the fact he hit you. Do you usually have a tempestuous relationship?

and this...

greyhairnomore · 17/07/2023 07:50

You did the right thing by reporting him. Unfortunately I think you've done the wrong thing by staying, he WILL do it again.

FreshBride23 · 17/07/2023 07:53

TheLadyofShalott1 · 17/07/2023 00:19

Sorry @Moonandme123 I haven't read the whole thread, but your thread has reminded me about something I did many years ago, and I used to feel guilty about it, but as I said it happened a very long time ago: my husband and I were having a very heated argument - sorry but neither he nor I can remember what it was about now - and I ended up slapping him once around the face, I have never touched him in anger since then.

I am wondering now if all Mumsnetters think that he should have called the police about my assault on him? If I had punched him in the face, or in the abdomen etc, then yes I think he would have been right to call the police on me, but he didn't feel the need to call them for me giving him a slap, and I wouldn't have called them if it had been him giving my face a slap...

Haha no, there have been loads of posts from MN Wes throwing, breaking things etc in anger. Just gushing support.
Someone I know, their mother slapped them around the face once as an adult - should we have called the police?

As much as domestic abuse is not taken seriously the number of posters screaming about leaving him etc is over the top when nobody would have done the same for female violence.

FreshBride23 · 17/07/2023 07:54

Women, now Wes!

3BSHKATS · 17/07/2023 09:17

I think sometimes, and this is not me, minimising violence on males or females, by males or females, you have to just deal with your own problems rather than call the police.

I mean honestly going forward how do you have a relationship with somebody that you’ve tried to ruin their lives even if they have done something utterly wrong. The police will process it. You’ll just be another number to them. And then that’ll be it. Nobody is going to “learn their lesson”. Or be anything other than fucking resentful to the person who called the police.

It’s you going forward thats got to coparent with them or live with them. That can’t be easy.

WildUnchartedWaters · 17/07/2023 12:57

3BSHKATS · 17/07/2023 09:17

I think sometimes, and this is not me, minimising violence on males or females, by males or females, you have to just deal with your own problems rather than call the police.

I mean honestly going forward how do you have a relationship with somebody that you’ve tried to ruin their lives even if they have done something utterly wrong. The police will process it. You’ll just be another number to them. And then that’ll be it. Nobody is going to “learn their lesson”. Or be anything other than fucking resentful to the person who called the police.

It’s you going forward thats got to coparent with them or live with them. That can’t be easy.

🙄🙄🙄🙄

3BSHKATS · 17/07/2023 13:01

WildUnchartedWaters · 17/07/2023 12:57

🙄🙄🙄🙄

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What do you seriously think the police can do ? Under these circumstances.

vivainsomnia · 17/07/2023 13:09

Yes I’m still with him. It was completely out of character and has never done anything like it
This is the issue. It was either serious enough to totally justify him being arrested, in which case, why are you back with him, or it was a one off, nothing leaving marks or anything to scare you, in which case, maybe you could have just asked him to leave and go to his mum rather than ensuring he'd be in a cell.

The family were not there, so don't know what happened. They have probably wondered the same.

WildUnchartedWaters · 17/07/2023 13:11

3BSHKATS · 17/07/2023 13:01

What do you seriously think the police can do ? Under these circumstances.

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That's not my issue. Your wording is.

BadNomad · 17/07/2023 13:20

3BSHKATS · 17/07/2023 09:17

I think sometimes, and this is not me, minimising violence on males or females, by males or females, you have to just deal with your own problems rather than call the police.

I mean honestly going forward how do you have a relationship with somebody that you’ve tried to ruin their lives even if they have done something utterly wrong. The police will process it. You’ll just be another number to them. And then that’ll be it. Nobody is going to “learn their lesson”. Or be anything other than fucking resentful to the person who called the police.

It’s you going forward thats got to coparent with them or live with them. That can’t be easy.

That's stupid. By reporting him to the police, he now knows that she will report him if he does it again, and it will be more serious because he now has a record of domestic violence. I.e. he'll think twice about doing it again because she has shown him she won't just take it.

If he's resentful for not having his violence ignored then he needs to wise up.

labamba007 · 17/07/2023 13:58

Does he tell his family to pack it in and that he is to blame and he feels utterly ashamed, OP?

GoodChat · 17/07/2023 14:15

He needs to stand up for you to his family. This was all on him - entirely of his own making. You don't deserve to be ostracised for it.

Original poster

Moonandme123 · 17/07/2023 17:32

I’ll try to answer some questions:
He had an argument with my MIL the day this happened, had too much to drink and then was all over the place. I called the police because he hit me AND wouldn’t calm down. I was terrified.

But yes it is out of character and he has never done anything like this.

My Mum I experienced DV and I was shocked by her response.

DH speaks to his family because of DC. I don’t unless I bump into them which is unlikely.

I wasn’t a bridesmaid and DH was not a groomsman.

I was told not to come to the wedding. Same with DC.

OP posts:

Original poster

Moonandme123 · 17/07/2023 17:32

Yes DH has told his family that it was all his fault and it should be him they cut out.

OP posts:

FreshBride23 · 17/07/2023 17:38

So even your DH only speaks to them out of necessity.
you don't bump into them or anything.
How exactly have they cut you out then? Did you speak to them and were you all a big happy family before?

They don't sound like they're happy with your H either.

Original poster

Moonandme123 · 17/07/2023 17:39

Yes we used to spend several days a week with them before this

OP posts:

ArabeIIaScott · 17/07/2023 17:42

3BSHKATS · 17/07/2023 09:17

I think sometimes, and this is not me, minimising violence on males or females, by males or females, you have to just deal with your own problems rather than call the police.

I mean honestly going forward how do you have a relationship with somebody that you’ve tried to ruin their lives even if they have done something utterly wrong. The police will process it. You’ll just be another number to them. And then that’ll be it. Nobody is going to “learn their lesson”. Or be anything other than fucking resentful to the person who called the police.

It’s you going forward thats got to coparent with them or live with them. That can’t be easy.

This is the worst advice ever given, please don't anybody ever listen to it.

Women's aid are a good source of information and support for anyone experiencing domestic violence and/or abuse.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Home - Women's Aid

Women's Aid is a grassroots federation working together to provide life-saving services and build a future where domestic violence is not tolerated.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

FreshBride23 · 17/07/2023 17:44

Moonandme123 · 17/07/2023 17:39

Yes we used to spend several days a week with them before this

Ok, so it's not just you they have cut out.
How do you know it's just you, and not your DH they are blaming?
Did your H offer to compensate them for the loss of a videographer?

jannier · 17/07/2023 17:51

Moonandme123 · 16/07/2023 19:38

This was a year ago and they still don’t speak to me because I’m horrible and ruined the wedding. My own Mum said I shouldn’t have called police too

Why are you still with him?

jannier · 17/07/2023 17:51

Is there a history of abuse with your mum?

GoodChat · 17/07/2023 17:58

Moonandme123 · 17/07/2023 17:32

Yes DH has told his family that it was all his fault and it should be him they cut out.

But he's still letting them isolate you while continuing a relationship with them?

porridgeisbae · 17/07/2023 22:55

I think the fact her own mother agrees may show there is more to this.

Or her mum could just be awful. Most mums wouldn't tell their adult daughter she deserved to be hit by her husband, ever.

Her mum's nastiness might be part of how OP is in this situation.

A friend of mine was part of a group of women who were abused by their dentist and it went to court.

Her abusive mum just said 'what've you done now?'

My friend hadn't done anything and nor had any of the other victims- he was found guilty.

Her mum was just awful.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 18/07/2023 08:16

YANBU OP. As far as I'm concerned it's a one strike and you're out situation, when it comes to violence. Imagine you had swept it under the carpet and gone to the wedding, the next time you argue he thinks it's 'ok' to hit you, or that you won't report him, so it's more likely to happen again.
By calling the police you've put a very clear line in the sand to say 'I won't put up with your shit, no matter what happens or what plans get messed up in the process' this is the only way you'll ever be able to repair the relationship - if you ever wanted to.

Abusers will always find an excuse, don't call the police as we have a wedding to go to, a birthday party, a big meeting at work and you'll ruin everything etc etc.

The families involved trying to minimise this and blame you are arseholes and you are well rid of them! What person would put a wedding before someone's personal safety