Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Prepared for a flaming! WABU?

151 replies

Moonandme123 · 16/07/2023 19:26

This is a long time coming. I often think about talking about it on here as I can’t decide if I was unreasonable. I will leave some info out so as not to out myself!
My husband was due to work as a videographer at his brothers wedding. The night before me and DH had a huge row and he hit me. I called the police and they put him in a cell overnight. I then called MIL and explained (BIL was at her house) and said it was unlikely that he would be out in time for the wedding ( he had also been aggressive to the police when arrested) so he would not be able to come to the wedding and do the filming. She shouted at me and was really nasty.
Now none of DH family speak to me as I apparently ruined the wedding. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
DinnaeFashYersel · 16/07/2023 19:53

You did the right thing. Don't regret it for a second.

Be glad they aren't speaking to you. You don't need people like that in your life.

WhamBamThankU · 16/07/2023 19:54

YADNBU mate. Wouldn't waste another moments energy or brain power on worrying that you were. Xx

Emmamoo89 · 16/07/2023 19:55

YANBU X

Xrays · 16/07/2023 19:56

What on earth are you still doing with him?! He’s a piece of shite.

Gladreel · 16/07/2023 19:56

YANBU. You're living with an abusive man, your own mum, at the very least, should be supporting you and not telling you that you did wrong.
I have a friend whose partner I suspect is abusive, she won't leave so I make sure to keep in touch so she knows she has a support network when she needs/decides to get out.

sleepyscientist · 16/07/2023 19:57

Xrays · 16/07/2023 19:56

What on earth are you still doing with him?! He’s a piece of shite.

Is he a piece of work or was he having a crisis. How many mental health workers are injured every year by patients in crisis. Hundreds!

Out of character and directly before the wedding, not unreasonable to call the police as it's a crime. But I can see why they think it was vindictive if your still with him and it sounds like you guys sorted it out so could that have been done so without the police.

I dunno if DH hit me out of character I think I would be more worried about getting him the support he needed than calling the police, especially if I was intending to stay with him as it's now on his record which could effect both of you.

Xrays · 16/07/2023 19:59

sleepyscientist · 16/07/2023 19:57

Is he a piece of work or was he having a crisis. How many mental health workers are injured every year by patients in crisis. Hundreds!

Out of character and directly before the wedding, not unreasonable to call the police as it's a crime. But I can see why they think it was vindictive if your still with him and it sounds like you guys sorted it out so could that have been done so without the police.

I dunno if DH hit me out of character I think I would be more worried about getting him the support he needed than calling the police, especially if I was intending to stay with him as it's now on his record which could effect both of you.

Show quote history

My dh has severe bipolar and takes medication which he will take for the rest of his life. If he ever hit me I would not feel safe with him and my safety is paramount (I’ve actually already left one abusive marriage which is why I have such strong feelings about it). Mental health doesn’t mean someone should stay if someone attacks you.

Thosepeskyseagulls · 16/07/2023 20:04

He ruined the wedding, my making the decision to hit you.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 16/07/2023 20:06

I understand it's sad, but he ruined the wedding. He did it. He should be ashamed and defending you to his family. If he isn't then you should leave him..

Lacucuracha · 16/07/2023 20:11

Sounds like he is scum from a scum family.

I would leave them all.

Nugg · 16/07/2023 20:12

If he is so lovely to you he needs to include in this confronting his own family AND your mum and telling them HE was out of order and behaved despicably and NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT so they can take it out on him or not at all! Otherwise. He isn't lovely. At all.

LaughterTitsoff · 16/07/2023 20:13

WunWun · 16/07/2023 19:46

Who on earth are the 7% of people who voted the OP was unreasonable 😵‍💫

Some people do that if they think the OP's asking a silly question, so hopefully it's just that.

Sometimeswinning · 16/07/2023 20:14

sleepyscientist · 16/07/2023 19:57

Is he a piece of work or was he having a crisis. How many mental health workers are injured every year by patients in crisis. Hundreds!

Out of character and directly before the wedding, not unreasonable to call the police as it's a crime. But I can see why they think it was vindictive if your still with him and it sounds like you guys sorted it out so could that have been done so without the police.

I dunno if DH hit me out of character I think I would be more worried about getting him the support he needed than calling the police, especially if I was intending to stay with him as it's now on his record which could effect both of you.

Show quote history

I agree with this. If dh hit me I'd assume it wasn't the start of something but it would be something off with him! You've not given much information for good reason but you chose to stay with him. If you were that scared and upset you called the police what makes you think you should be OK to take him back?

supersop60 · 16/07/2023 20:14

The wedding wasn't ruined. I presume there was no video, but the wedding itself was OK??

I'm tempted to change my vote to YABU because you're still with him. I hope he's never touched you or shouted at you since then.
He's allowed one mistake, I guess, and maybe a weekend in a police cell did him some good.

musicforthesoul · 16/07/2023 20:16

You did the right thing. What's his reaction to his family ignoring you now? If he's really sorry and it was a true out of character one off he should be telling them you did the right thing and it was all his fault.
If he's downplaying it or blaming you then you really need to be making plans to leave.

waldpbal · 16/07/2023 20:17

YABU for still being with him

waldpbal · 16/07/2023 20:18

But I'm not sure why you would think you would get a flaming for reporting your abusive husband to the police. All seems a little odd.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 16/07/2023 20:20

You did not ruin the wedding. Your disgusting abusive partner did by not controlling his behaviour. You carry no blame and did jolly well as you should have and reported him. You sound better off without any of them.

MammaTo · 16/07/2023 20:41

Greenshake · 16/07/2023 19:34

I don’t understand posts like this. Why would you think you were being unreasonable?

Honestly tho!

When the title starts like this one does I always think oh here we go

Original poster
Moonandme123 · 16/07/2023 20:42

Because my in laws think I’m awful for doing so and my own Mum which has made me doubt myself

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonandme123 · 16/07/2023 20:43

🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
44PumpLane · 16/07/2023 20:47

No, you (the victim), are not to blame for the consequences of your husband's actions.

I thoroughly understand why your in laws are disappointed and angry at having lost their videographer, but they are angry at the wrong person.

If your husband hasn't challenged this behaviour, told them he is 100% to blame and they need to buck up their ideas with regards to how they treat you, then honestly I would question whether he truly understands how unforgivably he acted.

CovertImage · 16/07/2023 20:48

I cannot believe that there are a couple of people on this thread defending the DH as it was "out of character". There should be no "strikes" for physical assault

StrawberryWater · 16/07/2023 20:55

Why is he allowing his family to treat you like shit?

He should be telling them it was he who ruined the wedding and in future they’re to keep their nasty mouths shut.

If he can’t do that, well I guess you know where you stand with this so-called “lovely” man.

Sometimeswinning · 16/07/2023 21:01

CovertImage · 16/07/2023 20:48

I cannot believe that there are a couple of people on this thread defending the DH as it was "out of character". There should be no "strikes" for physical assault

Read the op. She has chosen to stay with him. It's not about defending him it's about a call she has made. She is asking for advice in her situation.

Not what other posters would do in answer to a question she didn't ask!

If she had posted dh hit me and I don't know what to do, fair enough. For her own reasons she has made the decision to stay. A year later his family are still treating her badly. That's the aibu.