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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Prepared for a flaming! WABU?

151 replies

Moonandme123 · 16/07/2023 19:26

This is a long time coming. I often think about talking about it on here as I can’t decide if I was unreasonable. I will leave some info out so as not to out myself!
My husband was due to work as a videographer at his brothers wedding. The night before me and DH had a huge row and he hit me. I called the police and they put him in a cell overnight. I then called MIL and explained (BIL was at her house) and said it was unlikely that he would be out in time for the wedding ( he had also been aggressive to the police when arrested) so he would not be able to come to the wedding and do the filming. She shouted at me and was really nasty.
Now none of DH family speak to me as I apparently ruined the wedding. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 16/07/2023 21:04

You are not being unreasonable but why you would stay with someone who hit you who has family enable his abusive behaviour is beyond me.

FreshBride23 · 16/07/2023 21:04

Well they could have lost their videographer for any number of reasons.
I can see why they're mad at you though. You said it's our of character and your DH only hit you once. A year later you're still with him.
The aftermath doesn't seem like a big enough deal to warrant calling the police, to them.

FreshBride23 · 16/07/2023 21:04

FreshBride23 · 16/07/2023 21:04

Well they could have lost their videographer for any number of reasons.
I can see why they're mad at you though. You said it's our of character and your DH only hit you once. A year later you're still with him.
The aftermath doesn't seem like a big enough deal to warrant calling the police, to them.

As in I'm not saying they should blame you ... But why are you still with him???

BlockedButWhy · 16/07/2023 21:05

YANBU for the wedding thing.

YABU for still staying with him.

Sack the whole lot of them off, they sound horrible.

Hibiscrubbed · 16/07/2023 21:10

Moonandme123 · 16/07/2023 19:46

Yes I’m still with him. It was completely out of character and has never done anything like it. I told him if it ever happened again it would be the end but he’s lovely to me. It upsets me so much because I made so much effort with his family over the years.

😳

Hibiscrubbed · 16/07/2023 21:11

I bet he runs you down to them behind your back, as a way of deflecting what he did.

winterchills · 16/07/2023 21:17

Awful family!!! You 100 percent did the right thing by ringing the police

Squashyy · 16/07/2023 21:21

How would MIL feel if it was her daughters husband physically assaulting her?

YANBU - you done the right thing.

ArabeIIaScott · 16/07/2023 21:28

Your OH, if he's so 'lovely', should have spoken to them and sorted this out, OP.

Why hasn't he?

Bluetrews25 · 16/07/2023 21:29

And are they trying to tell you that none of the guests had a mobile phone they could make a video with? The world and his dog are putting videos up on youtube/tiktok/whatever! Everyone's a videographer these days!

Lambiriyani · 16/07/2023 21:30

You're still married to a man that hit you?

Superdupes · 16/07/2023 21:34

Why would you want people that don't have a problem with your husband hitting you, to like you? My mind boggles.

NeedToChangeName · 16/07/2023 21:37

44PumpLane · 16/07/2023 20:47

No, you (the victim), are not to blame for the consequences of your husband's actions.

I thoroughly understand why your in laws are disappointed and angry at having lost their videographer, but they are angry at the wrong person.

If your husband hasn't challenged this behaviour, told them he is 100% to blame and they need to buck up their ideas with regards to how they treat you, then honestly I would question whether he truly understands how unforgivably he acted.

@44PumpLane

Totally agree with the, especially final paragraph

OP, has your DH told his family and your Mum that he was totally responsible for lack of videographer? If not, he has not fully accepted responsibility for his actions

continentallentil · 16/07/2023 21:41

Come on OP, you know perfectly well you aren’t going to get a flaming for this.

If they aren’t speaking to you because of this they are obviously unreasonable and you have to ask yourself why not go no contact.

WildUnchartedWaters · 16/07/2023 21:45

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 16/07/2023 19:50

My own Mum said I shouldn’t have called police too

How sad. Typical and unsurprising, but sad nonetheless.

"Sorry your son spoiled the wedding by committing a crime and getting arrested. You should let him know how angry and disappointed you are in him."

HER mum.

OP, I'm.going to go at this a bit differently. As you have forgiven him and moved on and seem fine with it, do you two have form for big rows and carry on which sorts overnight?

If so, I can see the frustration. Either that or you all think it's normal.

Fwiw, i dont condone him hitting you, but then I wouldnt still be with him.

WaltzingWaters · 16/07/2023 21:51

Shows a lot about them that they’re more concerned about a wedding not being filmed rather than the fact their son hit his wife and then was also abusive towards police. Shows a lot that your own mother agrees with that too.

No, OP, YANBU at all! Except for the fact that you haven’t left him, and anybody who doesn’t find what he did appalling. I hope you have places you can go to be safe, and people who care for you how you should be.

SpaceCorpsDirective1742 · 16/07/2023 21:54

Moonandme123 · 16/07/2023 19:38

This was a year ago and they still don’t speak to me because I’m horrible and ruined the wedding. My own Mum said I shouldn’t have called police too

They're horrible and raised a thug. And I'd tell them that as well.

GrannypantsMagee · 16/07/2023 21:55

StrawberryWater · 16/07/2023 20:55

Why is he allowing his family to treat you like shit?

He should be telling them it was he who ruined the wedding and in future they’re to keep their nasty mouths shut.

If he can’t do that, well I guess you know where you stand with this so-called “lovely” man.

Yep. If he's sorry and this is really never going to happen again, you feel safe and confident in that, then fine. He really needs to tell his family to behave. And maybe your mum too - seriously wtf????

WildUnchartedWaters · 16/07/2023 21:55

WaltzingWaters · 16/07/2023 21:51

Shows a lot about them that they’re more concerned about a wedding not being filmed rather than the fact their son hit his wife and then was also abusive towards police. Shows a lot that your own mother agrees with that too.

No, OP, YANBU at all! Except for the fact that you haven’t left him, and anybody who doesn’t find what he did appalling. I hope you have places you can go to be safe, and people who care for you how you should be.

I think the fact her own mother agrees may show there is more to this.

BadNomad · 16/07/2023 21:57

Why does your mum think that?

10HailMarys · 16/07/2023 21:57

Moonandme123 · 16/07/2023 19:46

Yes I’m still with him. It was completely out of character and has never done anything like it. I told him if it ever happened again it would be the end but he’s lovely to me. It upsets me so much because I made so much effort with his family over the years.

The only unreasonable thing you’ve done is stay with a man who hit you.

Maria1982 · 16/07/2023 21:57

StrawberryWater · 16/07/2023 20:55

Why is he allowing his family to treat you like shit?

He should be telling them it was he who ruined the wedding and in future they’re to keep their nasty mouths shut.

If he can’t do that, well I guess you know where you stand with this so-called “lovely” man.

This with bells on!

CarlosAlcaraz · 16/07/2023 21:59

You're all unreasonable, you for staying with someone who hit you , your mother for not backing you up, your husband for not telling his family it was his fault and his family for being nasty.

Jongleterre · 16/07/2023 21:59

I understand the disappointment to the family of him not being there and able to film the wedding but the anger should be directed at him not you.

Maria1982 · 16/07/2023 22:00

You didn’t ruin anything. It was his actions and his consequences.

I am very sorry that your mum is not supportive. Tbh I can see my mum being stupid enough to minimise a ‘one off’ out of some misplaced loyalty and frankly far too low self esteem and having low expectations of men.
But the fact remains your mum is wrong, and I’m sorry. It makes thing extra hard when those who should defend us let us down.