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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Prepared for a flaming! WABU?

151 replies

Moonandme123 · 16/07/2023 19:26

This is a long time coming. I often think about talking about it on here as I can’t decide if I was unreasonable. I will leave some info out so as not to out myself!
My husband was due to work as a videographer at his brothers wedding. The night before me and DH had a huge row and he hit me. I called the police and they put him in a cell overnight. I then called MIL and explained (BIL was at her house) and said it was unlikely that he would be out in time for the wedding ( he had also been aggressive to the police when arrested) so he would not be able to come to the wedding and do the filming. She shouted at me and was really nasty.
Now none of DH family speak to me as I apparently ruined the wedding. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
GameOverBoys · 16/07/2023 23:14

Is he currently not hitting you because he has genuinely changed? Has he sort counselling? Or are you being extra careful not to piss him off again? The stats say he will hit you again. They almost always do.

Hotbrownie · 16/07/2023 23:43

Lovely, you’re doubting yourself because that’s part of the manipulation and gaslighting that happens in DV - they make you believe it’s your fault. Check out _joshffw on Instagram, it’s about toxic parents but it applies to all toxic people.

This is going to take some courage but you need to stand up for yourself and get out of there.

Just a word of caution, when you start standing up for yourself, there’s usually a backlash. They want you to go back in your box. If you need to, can you get out safely?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 23:46

NegativNancy · 16/07/2023 19:27

Stupid, horrible lot. You did exactly the right thing. What ridiculous priorities they have.

Agreed

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 23:49

If my brother hit his wife the night before my wedding and therefore missed it, I would be livid at HIM for being such an aggressive pig. If she chose to forgive and stay with him I would be so nice to her and regularly check in that she's ok and nothing else like that is happening.
These in laws are awful and have shown you their true colors this is no loss for you.

MinnieTruck · 17/07/2023 00:02

FreshBride23 · 16/07/2023 21:04

Well they could have lost their videographer for any number of reasons.
I can see why they're mad at you though. You said it's our of character and your DH only hit you once. A year later you're still with him.
The aftermath doesn't seem like a big enough deal to warrant calling the police, to them.

Sorry but I fully agree with this

HermeticDawn · 17/07/2023 00:02

44PumpLane · 16/07/2023 20:47

No, you (the victim), are not to blame for the consequences of your husband's actions.

I thoroughly understand why your in laws are disappointed and angry at having lost their videographer, but they are angry at the wrong person.

If your husband hasn't challenged this behaviour, told them he is 100% to blame and they need to buck up their ideas with regards to how they treat you, then honestly I would question whether he truly understands how unforgivably he acted.

Exactly this.

ConnieTucker · 17/07/2023 00:06

your DH only hit you once

the bar is so very low for men.

BrunoMarzipan · 17/07/2023 00:07

Is he still in touch with his family? You know you weren't unreasonable. Forget his family. I.assume you don't have to see them anyway.

Your mum is awful. Has she experienced dv?

WildUnchartedWaters · 17/07/2023 00:14

ConnieTucker · 17/07/2023 00:06

your DH only hit you once

the bar is so very low for men.

I agree, but equally OP has taken this attitude

TheLadyofShalott1 · 17/07/2023 00:19

Sorry @Moonandme123 I haven't read the whole thread, but your thread has reminded me about something I did many years ago, and I used to feel guilty about it, but as I said it happened a very long time ago: my husband and I were having a very heated argument - sorry but neither he nor I can remember what it was about now - and I ended up slapping him once around the face, I have never touched him in anger since then.

I am wondering now if all Mumsnetters think that he should have called the police about my assault on him? If I had punched him in the face, or in the abdomen etc, then yes I think he would have been right to call the police on me, but he didn't feel the need to call them for me giving him a slap, and I wouldn't have called them if it had been him giving my face a slap...

WildUnchartedWaters · 17/07/2023 00:20

TheLadyofShalott1 · 17/07/2023 00:19

Sorry @Moonandme123 I haven't read the whole thread, but your thread has reminded me about something I did many years ago, and I used to feel guilty about it, but as I said it happened a very long time ago: my husband and I were having a very heated argument - sorry but neither he nor I can remember what it was about now - and I ended up slapping him once around the face, I have never touched him in anger since then.

I am wondering now if all Mumsnetters think that he should have called the police about my assault on him? If I had punched him in the face, or in the abdomen etc, then yes I think he would have been right to call the police on me, but he didn't feel the need to call them for me giving him a slap, and I wouldn't have called them if it had been him giving my face a slap...

What have I just read?

BadNomad · 17/07/2023 00:28

but he didn't feel the need to call them for me giving him a slap, and I wouldn't have called them if it had been him giving my face a slap...

Jesus. Any man that gives me a slap would be calling the police on me for sticking a knife in him.

I don't know what is wrong with some people. Keep your bloody hands to yourself.

Totaly · 17/07/2023 00:38

Did you go to the wedding?
Was you a bridesmaid?
Was your DH best man?

So many questions and I think there’s more to this.

Fraaahnces · 17/07/2023 00:49

If he is a real man who feels genuine contrition for what he did to you, he should be telling both sides of your family that HE ruined the wedding and utterly deserved his punishment. Also, he should be telling them to pull their heads in and stop punishing you for HIS actions.

magma33 · 17/07/2023 01:14

Is there a cultural thing going on here? Just that I don’t know many white British families (both parents and in laws) that still put it on the woman that the man hit her, but plenty in my community who think a woman calling the police on a violent man is to blame. And I don’t know many women who stay with men who hit them either unless it’s the social norm around them. Part of me thinks this thread is a wind up, your title says “prepared for a flaming” seriously, you’re expecting a ‘flaming’?

Littlefish · 17/07/2023 01:58

You made absolutely the right decision on calling the police.

But what the fuck are you doing still in a relationship with a violent and aggressive man.

He WILL do it again.

Sorchamarie · 17/07/2023 02:02

"If your husband hasn't challenged this behaviour, told them he is 100% to blame and they need to buck up their ideas with regards to how they treat you, then honestly I would question whether he truly understands how unforgivably he acted."

This. Your husband is entirely to blame here and if he is not telling his family again and again that it's HIS fault and not yours, and if they won't listen, he should not be having anything to do with them. Otherwise he is an absolute arsehole and you should not stay with him. I'm sorry your Mum is so shit in this regard too. She is 100% wrong with her views and for not supporting you. Best of luck OP.

magma33 · 17/07/2023 02:03

Littlefish · 17/07/2023 01:58

You made absolutely the right decision on calling the police.

But what the fuck are you doing still in a relationship with a violent and aggressive man.

He WILL do it again.

She doesn’t seem bothered about that, she’s more concerned about why her in laws are still not speaking to her. Strange priorities.

Littlefish · 17/07/2023 02:05

@magma33 I agree. Utterly bizarre!

LadyJ2023 · 17/07/2023 02:28

So you got him arrested for hitting you but then continued to live with him how bizarre it all is

Dibbydoos · 17/07/2023 02:37

The reason there are offences against tge person is because some people think its OK to hit other people, yet our society says through law tgat it isn't acceptable.

The person who caused himself to be banged up overnight is your DH. F his family if they blame you for his violence and attitude - it clearly runs through his family....

I can't quite believe you're still with him, but if you are, I hope he hasn't been violent since. Your mum is of tge generation that accepted violence in tge home, you don't need to agree with her or listen to her outdated opinion, OP.

Think no more of it and get on with your life.

Shoxfordian · 17/07/2023 06:13

I don’t know why you’ve stayed op; he’ll do it again. All of your in-laws are completely out of order here for saying you shouldn’t have called the police and caring more about a video than your safety.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 17/07/2023 06:35

Thosepeskyseagulls · 16/07/2023 20:04

He ruined the wedding, my making the decision to hit you.

This is the crux of it

TomatoesAjdSunshine · 17/07/2023 06:40

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 16/07/2023 20:06

I understand it's sad, but he ruined the wedding. He did it. He should be ashamed and defending you to his family. If he isn't then you should leave him..

This.

WaitingfortheTardis · 17/07/2023 06:43

As I say often to young children, if you make the decision to behave badly you are making the decision to take the consequences. He behaved very badly and brought it upon himself. He needs to now speak to his family, apologise to them and explain that he did something very very wrong that was by no means any of your fault. He is entirely responsible for his own actions.