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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end 20 year friendship over this?

291 replies

BirdieStar · 16/07/2023 16:20

Been I’d say best friends with G for 20 years. We are v close and do a lot together. We’ve recently just last year travelled across America together and I’d considered her family.

So a few months ago G started seeing someone for the first time and I was delighted for her. She had always shied away from relationships. However he’s turned out to be not so good, no job, does drugs, doesn’t see his child, ex-offender and refuses to meet her family or friends so we’ve never met.

This person has become her whole world and she adores him but it’s sort of taken over her life and made her a shitty friend. She keeps missing prearranged and expensive plans we’d made at last minute with some very serious excuses only for me to find out she was actually dossing at her boyfriends house. (She’s said previously he sits on games most the day and she just watches- we are 40!)

So, for example, we’d had a afternoon tea booked for a few weeks after her birthday- I paid the deposit and train tickets as part of her gift, she said she’d like to do this and said she wanted to go- talks excited really happy until the day before when she went quite cold and started saying she had to take her mum to hospital urgently. I completely understood, I rearranged the plans, lost the train money but that’s life. Only to find out by accident through her weeks later that she was actually at her boyfriends that weekend at a concert and mum was never sick. I confronted her for lying, she got upset and we moved on from it- although I was annoyed.

The same thing happened with the rescheduled date- big drama involving her now having to work and her manager saying so (the day before we were suppose to go again) to again find out that she was at her boyfriends house waiting in for a package for him.

Then comes this weekend, it’s my 40th birthday bbq. Friend is coming and really excited- messaging the day before saying that she’s going to be bringing certain things and what time train she’s getting in, she’d asked me if she could pay for the cake as part of my present and I said I’d pick her up at the station. The day comes and nobody has heard from her- we are all worried when the time the train is suppose to be getting in comes and she isn’t there, calling round, trying to get her to answer- only for her to respond 5 hours later saying she and her BF went out, got too drunk and she’d only just woken up and charged her phone. I’d messaged her BF on Facebook to check if she was ok and with him, and when he saw it later on he just replied “lol”. She’s known it was my birthday bbq for weeks.

I spent my whole birthday morning trying to get hold of her, feeling worried something had happened to find out that she had just overslept- and we had to quickly run out and get another cake too!

When I finally spoke to her, she said a half sorry but her apology was mainly about how awful she felt herself hungover.

Im feeling just so sad today, it’s like my friend has had a personality transplant since meeting this person. I’m happy for her, but I’ve never behaved this way myself when I got into a relationship.

Im really feeling like I should say enough is enough and end the friendship, but I’m heartbroken a little and trying to rationalise that before she met this person she wouldn’t have been like this in the last 19 years! She’s never been this person- it’s horrid.

but should I end the friendship and distance myself?

OP posts:
BadNomad · 17/07/2023 20:16

She's only been going out with this guy for a couple of months. It isn't a relationship. She's ditched her friend because she's excited to finally have a boyfriend. It's what teenage girls do, not 40-year-old adults.

MumLass · 17/07/2023 20:22

I’m in the YABU camp, you have known this friend for 20 years. She’s behaving out of character. The BF does drugs, won’t meet her friends or family, seems to be leading her down a dangerous path. Instead of getting angry at her, have you told her you are worried? What do her family think? This has red flags waving all over it. From what you say she doesn’t have much experience of relationships.
I get that it’s annoying she’s letting you down and costing you money. I’d stop with the expensive plans, or anything in which you are depending on her. I wouldn’t cut her off though. It sounds like you are her lifelong best friend. Make sure she knows the door to you is open. Arrange to meet for coffee occasionally. One day she might turn up and tell you she needs help.

QueenMaize · 17/07/2023 20:23

OP - I would be looking out for warning signs of abuse. These are all red flags. It may well be that she has just chosen a man over her friendship with you. But she may also be being abused - coercive control, financial, physical, sexual, any form and she may not even know it herself.

If she is enthusiastic and contributing to conversations and dropping out last minute it may be that she’s being abused and using any excuse or no contact to avoid the truth coming to light, because it can feel shameful and embarrassing admitting that.

Before ditching her, please consider this and throw some support at her, face to face, away from him, throw a line to her and try, then at least you may rest easy in knowing that you’ve done all you can. Well that’s what I’d do anyway.

WildUnchartedWaters · 17/07/2023 20:24

Agree with the above two.

MarchingOnTogether · 17/07/2023 20:24

I wouldn't drop her completely, hopefully one day she will realise she's made a mistake with this man and she may need her friends to support her through the breakup.
But definitely distance yourself a bit. Don't make plans, don't book things or pay in advance for anything. Stay in touch even if it's just messaging now and again, if she wants to meet up have her come to you or somewhere you're going anyway so you're not putting yourself out just to be let down.

I had a good friend who dropped all her friends for an awful man. He threatened me when I tried to help when he was being awful.to her and after that she completely ghosted me and a couple of other mutual friends. I heard on the grapevine she's still with him and desperately unhappy but she's got herself trapped and there's nothing we can do. Even though her behaviour was totally shitty towards us, me and our mutual friends would have preferred to keep some communication with her so that we could help her leave him when she was ready but there really is nothing we can do now

pineapplecrushed · 17/07/2023 20:25

Yes.
If she ever realises she is better off without him, you can be there for her, in the future, but she is treating you like shit.

friedalmond · 17/07/2023 20:27

You say he takes drugs? My gut is telling me that she is too. I just hope, for everyone's sake, that they're not addictive drugs.

42wordsfordrizzle · 17/07/2023 20:34

As others have said, please don't drop her- it really sounds like she's in a coecivrly controlling relationship, if not an abusive one. She needs to know that you're there for her and will be when she, hopefully, realises, how damaging this relationship is for her.

I'm sure others have given more practical advice about how you can support her, but I was shocked by the number of pps who think you should cut her off, and refuse to accept any apology from her.

Libelula21 · 17/07/2023 20:37

MumLass · 17/07/2023 20:22

I’m in the YABU camp, you have known this friend for 20 years. She’s behaving out of character. The BF does drugs, won’t meet her friends or family, seems to be leading her down a dangerous path. Instead of getting angry at her, have you told her you are worried? What do her family think? This has red flags waving all over it. From what you say she doesn’t have much experience of relationships.
I get that it’s annoying she’s letting you down and costing you money. I’d stop with the expensive plans, or anything in which you are depending on her. I wouldn’t cut her off though. It sounds like you are her lifelong best friend. Make sure she knows the door to you is open. Arrange to meet for coffee occasionally. One day she might turn up and tell you she needs help.

This is a better response than mine!

Chevybaby · 17/07/2023 20:39

UpUpUpU · 16/07/2023 16:39

I’d be keeping a close eye on her. She may be in an abusive or coercive relationship

this!

op keep your distance if you have to but if you were as close as you say you were keep the door open, he might force her into a really dark place and she might need to reach out to you further down the line. I know this because I’ve been almost identical situation as you describe. I was so hurt and angry and really cut her off only to find out her boyfriend was a horrendous abuser who systematically isolated her from her friends and family so he could have better control of her.

Threenow · 17/07/2023 20:42

Ditch her! She won't change while she is with him, but even if she sees the light and leaves him I would be steering clear - she's old enough to know better.

DustyOwl · 17/07/2023 20:47

MumLass · 17/07/2023 20:22

I’m in the YABU camp, you have known this friend for 20 years. She’s behaving out of character. The BF does drugs, won’t meet her friends or family, seems to be leading her down a dangerous path. Instead of getting angry at her, have you told her you are worried? What do her family think? This has red flags waving all over it. From what you say she doesn’t have much experience of relationships.
I get that it’s annoying she’s letting you down and costing you money. I’d stop with the expensive plans, or anything in which you are depending on her. I wouldn’t cut her off though. It sounds like you are her lifelong best friend. Make sure she knows the door to you is open. Arrange to meet for coffee occasionally. One day she might turn up and tell you she needs help.

I totally agree. He’s not met any friends or family, she is cutting herself off. She might genuinely be excited to be seeing you but he guilt trips her into staying in with him. She brushes it off as she is protecting him. Yes this can happen this fast.
Only you know what she was like before but if this is a massive change in personality I would be seriously concerned about her. I would keep the lines of communications open and also keep an eye on her from afar.

Katey83 · 17/07/2023 20:48

i agree with posters who say this has all the hallmarks of the early stages of an abusive relationship. I think distance yourself but be aware she may not be in a good place. Sending her a message like ‘I’m really
concerned you’ve changed and I’ve found your behaviour over our recent plans inconsiderate and upsetting. I’m hoping things are ok with you, and always here if they are not - but I am not willing to be let down again. Give me a call anytime you feel ready, but as I said please don’t let me down again.’ Might set your own boundaries while not isolating her completely as abusers tend to do (he will know exactly what coercing her to miss these occasions means for your friendship).

WildUnchartedWaters · 17/07/2023 20:52

Threenow · 17/07/2023 20:42

Ditch her! She won't change while she is with him, but even if she sees the light and leaves him I would be steering clear - she's old enough to know better.

Wow

Poppinjay · 17/07/2023 20:54

Threenow · 17/07/2023 20:42

Ditch her! She won't change while she is with him, but even if she sees the light and leaves him I would be steering clear - she's old enough to know better.

This attitude is why people end up feeling unable to leave coercive controlling and abusive relationships.

My daughter was in a relationship like this and started to behave very out of character. She was plenty old enough to understand that she was hurting me while also being completely under his spell, miserable, torn apart inside and unable to escape. It was only the fact that I continued to support her in whatever way I could that enabled her to leave.

OP, please educate yourself on coercive control before you decide to throw away your friendship and abandon your friend to a potential lifetime of abuse and misery.

doorstopper123 · 17/07/2023 20:54

Yes, i’d be letting that friendship slide and i fear for her future but she’s 40 and can make her own mistakes

WildUnchartedWaters · 17/07/2023 20:56

Poppinjay · 17/07/2023 20:54

This attitude is why people end up feeling unable to leave coercive controlling and abusive relationships.

My daughter was in a relationship like this and started to behave very out of character. She was plenty old enough to understand that she was hurting me while also being completely under his spell, miserable, torn apart inside and unable to escape. It was only the fact that I continued to support her in whatever way I could that enabled her to leave.

OP, please educate yourself on coercive control before you decide to throw away your friendship and abandon your friend to a potential lifetime of abuse and misery.

Show quote history

👏

Evan456 · 17/07/2023 20:56

I think if you dump her, she may at a later date have no one to help her, it sounds like he’s controlling her and you don’t know how he’s treating her, he may be beating or threatened her and maybe won’t let her out of his sight, he may have threatened her family

Oceanus · 17/07/2023 21:04

People telling the OP to ditch the friend have probably never met anyone (they know of) who's been a victim of DV. When I was younger I used to think that only happens to young, insecure and uneducated women with shit upbringings or to the rich ones who grew up watching daddy beat the hell out of mummy! Life's taught me that given the right circumstances we all have the potential to end up there.

Tophy124 · 17/07/2023 21:12

I wouldn’t say or do anything to her, but I would back off completely. I wouldn’t make any further plans with her, I wouldn’t be initiating contact and I’d be making plans with other people who actually stick to them. I’d perhaps vaguely let her know about group plans but wouldn’t follow up if she didn’t come. Your life will be a lot less drama and stress filled if you do the slow fade off vs a confrontation which I think would cause you a lot of upset.

Echobelly · 17/07/2023 21:16

My first thought was like @ymemanresu - the sleeping through things, forgetting stuff, selfishness could be regular/heavy drug use. I have no problem with people having some recreational use, but heavy use can make people very careless and thoughtless about anyone or anything else.

YouDontNeedmy2pence · 17/07/2023 21:19

Theimpossiblegirl · 16/07/2023 16:45

Tell her you care about her and are there if she ever sees the light and dumps him, then take a big step back.

I think he's either controlling her, and/or she's joining him in the drug taking. There's nothing you can do.

This! i suspect that’s what it is. He’s either controlling her and the first thing that usually happens is that he distances everyone close to the her. She’s likely being evasive to everyone else around her.

or maybe she’s too ashamed for you to see her spiralling :(.

not sure what you can do but maybe let her know you’ll be there if she ever needs help. (Praying hands)

Ghosttofu99 · 17/07/2023 21:27

If this is her first relationship then it sounds like she’s going through the stage we all go through in our teenage years. It’s not very nice for you but presumably there is some backstory to why she never dated before which sounds tough so maybe you should give her the benefit of the doubt for a little while longer. What were you like at the age you first met when dating? Did you ever ditch her on a night out? Her behaviour is not justified but I’m wondering if there is another perspective. If she’s been single for twenty years has she had more time to put into your friendship than a typical situation?

Oblomov23 · 17/07/2023 21:35

This is so sad. Decide now, you have to finish this completely, say you can't be friends anymore, to show at least some self respect and self esteem. Take a step back. Message her less. Don't suggest anything, don't suggest any meetings up. When she finally does register, and asks, send her one text, explaining how you feel.

nidgey · 17/07/2023 21:44

BirdieStar · 16/07/2023 16:29

Yep! I have no doubts that she would probably be straight back if the relationship ended but I’d not let her back in.

That's very drastic. I'd think there's no way she's spending that much time with him without doing drugs/drinking as much as him, and perhaps he's very controlling/coercive. I'd send her a message saying she's really let you down lately through being dishonest and breaking arrangements and (if it is) this is out of character for her and makes you concerned about her well-being but for now you need to take a step back, but if she needs to the door is always open.