To end 20 year friendship over this?

[BirdieStar]

Been I’d say best friends with G for 20 years. We are v close and do a lot together. We’ve recently just last year travelled across America together and I’d considered her family.

So a few months ago G started seeing someone for the first time and I was delighted for her. She had always shied away from relationships. However he’s turned out to be not so good, no job, does drugs, doesn’t see his child, ex-offender and refuses to meet her family or friends so we’ve never met.

This person has become her whole world and she adores him but it’s sort of taken over her life and made her a shitty friend. She keeps missing prearranged and expensive plans we’d made at last minute with some very serious excuses only for me to find out she was actually dossing at her boyfriends house. (She’s said previously he sits on games most the day and she just watches- we are 40!)

So, for example, we’d had a afternoon tea booked for a few weeks after her birthday- I paid the deposit and train tickets as part of her gift, she said she’d like to do this and said she wanted to go- talks excited really happy until the day before when she went quite cold and started saying she had to take her mum to hospital urgently. I completely understood, I rearranged the plans, lost the train money but that’s life. Only to find out by accident through her weeks later that she was actually at her boyfriends that weekend at a concert and mum was never sick. I confronted her for lying, she got upset and we moved on from it- although I was annoyed.

The same thing happened with the rescheduled date- big drama involving her now having to work and her manager saying so (the day before we were suppose to go again) to again find out that she was at her boyfriends house waiting in for a package for him.

Then comes this weekend, it’s my 40th birthday bbq. Friend is coming and really excited- messaging the day before saying that she’s going to be bringing certain things and what time train she’s getting in, she’d asked me if she could pay for the cake as part of my present and I said I’d pick her up at the station. The day comes and nobody has heard from her- we are all worried when the time the train is suppose to be getting in comes and she isn’t there, calling round, trying to get her to answer- only for her to respond 5 hours later saying she and her BF went out, got too drunk and she’d only just woken up and charged her phone. I’d messaged her BF on Facebook to check if she was ok and with him, and when he saw it later on he just replied “lol”. She’s known it was my birthday bbq for weeks.

I spent my whole birthday morning trying to get hold of her, feeling worried something had happened to find out that she had just overslept- and we had to quickly run out and get another cake too!

When I finally spoke to her, she said a half sorry but her apology was mainly about how awful she felt herself hungover.

Im feeling just so sad today, it’s like my friend has had a personality transplant since meeting this person. I’m happy for her, but I’ve never behaved this way myself when I got into a relationship.

Im really feeling like I should say enough is enough and end the friendship, but I’m heartbroken a little and trying to rationalise that before she met this person she wouldn’t have been like this in the last 19 years! She’s never been this person- it’s horrid.

but should I end the friendship and distance myself?

I too would sit down with her and tell her how you see things are these days for your friendship. that you are mourning the loss of what was once a close friendship that you would have done anything for.

From that it’s up to her, she might feel you are jealous (esp if she repeats back to him what you say to her) or she might admit the new relationship isn’t what she thought and is now a little scared to give him the heave Ho.

I think maybe keep your distance . Explain the reasons to her and let her know you are there if she ever needs . It’s sounds like she may have got herself involved with a narcissist who is isolating her but sadly she needs to work that out for herself .

@BirdieStar
I'd suggest distance as then when it all goes pots up with the b/f she will need her friends

I agree it sounds like she is getting high with him and nothing else matters. Protect yourself and your family by distancing now before it gets messy and the requests for money start. When she really needs you she will find you.

Where does it say shes taking drugs?

Sorry all incredibly sad update as friend has blocked myself and all of our other close friends on WhatsApp/Facebook/Instagram. She has been apparently posting lots of nice selfies with her bf today though so we know she is ok which is the main thing.

This is completely out of character but I’m not sure what I can do other than wait it out. I did send her a message saying I loved and cared about her, but it was read then blocked.

I also don’t know if I would truthfully now let her come back into my life- I understand she may be being controlled, it’s new and exciting for her etc but it’s been incredibly hurtful and I’m not sure if I can sort of handle the betrayal of being dumped so brutally. It may sound dramatic, but our friendship group has done an awful lot for her the past couple of years including driving her to a hobby weekly, lending her money for a flat rental deposit and other things so to be dropped with no reason really sucks.

I don’t believe she would take drugs if I’m honest even if coerced as she’s has to take drug tests regularly for her job but I don’t know.

For those asking this is only her second relationship and first “proper” adult one the first one was when we were teens.

she does struggle with self image and confidence and has always portrayed a “I love travelling, don’t have time/care for relationships” persona so we were happy for her at first as she seemed to be really happy but now it’s obviously turned sour…for us. I did once mention about how I thought she could do better but she quickly shut me down and said I was mean so I never mentioned it again.

Our other friends say she will regret it one day but perhaps she won’t, I guess now we just need to keep shun.

Not thinking this is about you , sounds like she’s got herself a coercive, controlling boyfriend!
stay in touch keep the door to her open , and meanwhile make your important plans with someone else .
sounds like pretty soon she’s going to need her friends big time
try not to take it personally, if she’s not had a boyfriend before, she’s probably completely
out of her depth.

You keep making this about you. The bit about how much you've done for her.

Its blatantly not ahout you. Only you can decide how you handle this but you need to try and think outside your own perspective.

Of course this is about me? It’s written from my perspective. So my friend is allowed to do whatever she likes to whoever under the guise of the potential and I mean small potential that she may be being coercively controlled?

and of course what we’ve done for her is important it’s simply showing that we have always been there for her but none of us deserve to be blocked for no reason.

Potentially the BF has done this while she is away from her devices.
I was on the receiving end of abuse from a former neighbour’s sm account 3 years ago late at night.

Then a final message came through from the account owner she had been in the shower during the messaging and had no knowledge of the conversation (which was generated by her moron of a husband).

however apart from speaking with any close family members as to your concerns, I’m not sure what else you can do….

Oh, dear. We might try this...do not end the friendship, but do distance yourseIf. Keep in reguIar contact, but don't make pIans revoIving around her. This reIationship has so many red fIags on it that it scares me. Been there, done that, seen it far too many times. I have a feeIing that at some point, she is going to need her friend, and badIy. Knowing that she can come to you might very weII save her Iife.

It's actually a bit of a stretch to assume she is in an abusive relationship. She may well be, but equally she might just be head over heels in love and wanting to spend all her time with this man. It does happen you know in real life - only on MN is every relationship abusive or coercive controlling!

Sounds Like she could potentially be using drugs with him, I used to know people who did cocaine and they were the flakiest most unreliable people alive, they would make plans when they were high and then bail on them because they were on a comedown. It’s impossible to be friends with drug users, for so many reasons and that’s just one!

It's really turned her head and she's acting like a giggling 14 year old girl. I understand that in terms of relationships, she IS 14. I wouldn't break things off, but I'd get some distance, not make any big plans, and wait for it to run it's course.

@BirdieStar

Sorry all incredibly sad update as friend has blocked myself and all of our other close friends on WhatsApp/Facebook/Instagram. She has been apparently posting lots of nice selfies with her bf today though so we know she is ok which is the main thing.

Well, I'm sorry but not surprised. There's nothing left to do but step back and let her live her life. You've said the words "I love you and I care" and that's all you can say.

But try not to close the door on her just yet. Move on with your life of course, but keep that door cracked open just a bit. The time may come when she really needs you and her other friends.

She’s 40 but behaving like a flaky 17 year old. I would be quietly just stepping back. She doesn’t seem to care about anyone else.

Of course it’s about the OP. Friendship is a two way street. How many posts do we see on here from people saying that they’re fed up of always being the one who makes contact, always the one the friend turns to when they want something, and they’re told to step back from the friendship.

This woman has relied on the OP and friends for significant parts of her life. I mean giving someone the deposit for a house isn’t just a small thing it’s significantly life-changing, and now when someone has come into her life she’s blocked her friends.

Ignoring is one thing, blocking someone altogether sends a very definite message.

And I disagree re her being controlled. Maybe she is, but she had choices.

Yes, some people get involved with someone who they believe is lovely, who appears lovely on the outside and as the relationship progresses they find out that the person is an abusive arsehole.

But knowingly choosing to get involved with someone with a criminal record who has done time for his crimes is a choice. And she chose that.

It does sound like he is isolating her. I wouldn’t cut contact, but I wouldn’t make plans with her. Let her know you care about her, and are always there if she needs you. Then leave her to it. Eventually she will call and you can help her escape.

In the meantime spend time with other friends, if she was your closest friend move on in that sense, but your friend may need you down the road.

And just what do you suggest OP do if this woman has blocked her and is refusing to answer texts or calls?! OP cannot force this woman to leave her boyfriend can she? neither can she force her to keep in contact. All she can do is respect her wish not to be in contact and protect herself from further hurt.

I dont know why people are acting as if the OP has any power over this situation- she doesnt. If friend has blocked her and wont accept her messages then there is nothing she can do about it fgs.

I wouldn't end the friendship. He is an ex criminal⁷...he sounds dangerous. I have suffered from coercive control and it's not something you can push back on easily.

You don't need to end the friendship but the friendship has taken a bad turn and a battering due to the bad boyfriend.
She is not reliable. That you can not deny.
You can not expect much from her until she sees the BF's vices herself.
Hopefully she will escape to see sense and when the boyfriend, drink and drugs are no longer a factor she might re-emerge and reconnect.

What a sad turn of events, yet not shocking.

Take a step back now but be there for her if she needs it. This guy doesn't sound nice and is isolating her. 20years is a long time!

stay in touch keep the door to her open , and meanwhile make your important plans with someone else

If you can, do this as @Mrsgreen100 suggests.- but it wouldn't be unreasonable of you to just walk away.

It is indeed a very, very sad state of affairs, but please try to remember - people who have few or no early relationships are very emotionally vulnerable. They don't get "innoculated" by the experience of early passion and disappointment and "true love" as teenagers, and when it hits them it hits them HARD.

I know that you and other friends are hurt - understandably so - but she's emotionally a young teenager in the first throes of sexual passion. I also agree with others that she is likely to be being coercively controlled in some way. but the depth of her feeling is such that she isn't yet aware of it.

This relationship may all end in tears - if so, try to be kind. I doubt that you will ever be able to trust her so much again, but if she is left (figuratively or literally) battered and bruised she will need a friend, even if you don't allow yourself to become close again.