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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end 20 year friendship over this?

291 replies

BirdieStar · 16/07/2023 16:20

Been I’d say best friends with G for 20 years. We are v close and do a lot together. We’ve recently just last year travelled across America together and I’d considered her family.

So a few months ago G started seeing someone for the first time and I was delighted for her. She had always shied away from relationships. However he’s turned out to be not so good, no job, does drugs, doesn’t see his child, ex-offender and refuses to meet her family or friends so we’ve never met.

This person has become her whole world and she adores him but it’s sort of taken over her life and made her a shitty friend. She keeps missing prearranged and expensive plans we’d made at last minute with some very serious excuses only for me to find out she was actually dossing at her boyfriends house. (She’s said previously he sits on games most the day and she just watches- we are 40!)

So, for example, we’d had a afternoon tea booked for a few weeks after her birthday- I paid the deposit and train tickets as part of her gift, she said she’d like to do this and said she wanted to go- talks excited really happy until the day before when she went quite cold and started saying she had to take her mum to hospital urgently. I completely understood, I rearranged the plans, lost the train money but that’s life. Only to find out by accident through her weeks later that she was actually at her boyfriends that weekend at a concert and mum was never sick. I confronted her for lying, she got upset and we moved on from it- although I was annoyed.

The same thing happened with the rescheduled date- big drama involving her now having to work and her manager saying so (the day before we were suppose to go again) to again find out that she was at her boyfriends house waiting in for a package for him.

Then comes this weekend, it’s my 40th birthday bbq. Friend is coming and really excited- messaging the day before saying that she’s going to be bringing certain things and what time train she’s getting in, she’d asked me if she could pay for the cake as part of my present and I said I’d pick her up at the station. The day comes and nobody has heard from her- we are all worried when the time the train is suppose to be getting in comes and she isn’t there, calling round, trying to get her to answer- only for her to respond 5 hours later saying she and her BF went out, got too drunk and she’d only just woken up and charged her phone. I’d messaged her BF on Facebook to check if she was ok and with him, and when he saw it later on he just replied “lol”. She’s known it was my birthday bbq for weeks.

I spent my whole birthday morning trying to get hold of her, feeling worried something had happened to find out that she had just overslept- and we had to quickly run out and get another cake too!

When I finally spoke to her, she said a half sorry but her apology was mainly about how awful she felt herself hungover.

Im feeling just so sad today, it’s like my friend has had a personality transplant since meeting this person. I’m happy for her, but I’ve never behaved this way myself when I got into a relationship.

Im really feeling like I should say enough is enough and end the friendship, but I’m heartbroken a little and trying to rationalise that before she met this person she wouldn’t have been like this in the last 19 years! She’s never been this person- it’s horrid.

but should I end the friendship and distance myself?

OP posts:
Holyfoley · 17/07/2023 19:11

I think you should just walk away with falling out. Let her do her own thing and hopefully when she's come to her senses, it's not too late. Friends like her you can do without. I've got a friend the exact same, with a guy who has physically abused an ex to the extent he left her for dead. Over the past maybe 18 yrs she's they fallen out and in many times, always telling me its over with them but it never is. We would speak daily, unless she was at his place, then she wouldn't answer her phone to me, and I'd worry he'd maybe attacked her, after the stories she told me about him. I explained my concerns when she didn't answer the phone only to be told not to be daft he wouldn't hit her. She is also the type to say one thing and do another, I caught her lying so many times, and we worked together so I left my job because I didn't like way she was speaking about other staff members in a really personal way. We haven't fallen out but I don't want her in my life as she's toxic. If I was you I'd keep your so called friend at arms length, Friends don't do this to other friends. Good luck

ShinyBandana · 17/07/2023 19:12

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 16:34

I don't think you should confront her, she is probably in the love bombing stage of a controlling relationship- she has to realize in her own time. One of my friends send me a very confrontational txt when from the outside she probably could have written this post (I wasn't being as bad as op friend) and I didn't take it well at the time I thought she was jealous.

Send her a message saying you've missed her but she's seemed super busy. You hope to spend time with her again soon as you love her a lot and the door is always open xxx

After that stop making effort - when this guy leaves her or when she is plucking up courage to leave and reaches out, be there for her x

I think this is spot on. It looks like she’s in the process of being isolated from her friends by a controlling partner. She’ll need you soon and yes you can withdraw somewhat but let her know that you are concerned for her and that you’ll keep the door open for her when she needs help.

GrandmaSusie · 17/07/2023 19:13

I think you should distance yourself but not end the friendship. You could directly tell her that you are concerned about her having this relationship with this man, and also how her rude behavior has hurt you. Then give her a few months to come to her senses. I believe her relationship with this loser will end sooner than later. He's causing her to act out of character. A 20 year friendship is such a blessing! Don't give it up too quickly!

tattygrl · 17/07/2023 19:13

I agree with all the PP advising distance, with one slight difference.

Since you've been friends for 20 years and this is the only, single occurrence (as in, her behaviour in lately) of her acting like this, I'd be wanting to have a frank, transparent conversation with her about what the effect of all this is on you and your friendship together. Not in a harsh way, but just to give her that chance to hear you and how you really feel, and so you can maybe ask her if she is ok. Because this is huge change in values and behaviour.

Ultimately, though, there's no way you should carry on putting up with this. I'd advise distance with a conversation beforehand.

Jack80 · 17/07/2023 19:13

I would distance myself from her see how she feels.

GwinGwyn · 17/07/2023 19:17

I’m going through an almost identical situation. It’s really hard and horrible. I’m also afraid for my friend’s safety. The way I am navigating it is to put some space between us (no need to go all out and call the friendship off) and talking to mutual friends who validate the fact that she’s dating a POS. It’s not easy and they’ve just adopted a bloody dog (!) but I can’t be around her at the moment. Give it some time and space, and you have my absolute empathy.

Moanyoldmoan · 17/07/2023 19:21

I would say she’s drug using with him too.. Having been on her end of a situation with a controlling narcissistic drug user I was completely under his spell. He encouraged so many wrong choices from me and rebuilding has been hard. As soon as my feelings started to disintegrate I realised exactly what he was and felt disgusted in myself. I’ve had to build a lot of bridges with my friends

Cornishclio · 17/07/2023 19:23

Well I would not be making any expensive plans with her. I am not sure if I would confront her though but maybe just stop contacting her and leave it to her. Undoubtedly she is either in the early stages of a romantic relationship and some people do drop friends when that happens or her BF is making it difficult for her to see you. Protect yourself while leaving the door open if she needs help. So in other words just get on with your life and focus on other friends.

AtrociousCircumstance · 17/07/2023 19:24

I agree with stepping back and leaving the door open without undue confrontation.

But there’s also a bit of infantilising going on with some posts. This is an adult woman, not a teen. She is making her own choices and is solely responsible for wrecking her beloved friendships with her self-absorbed behaviour.

Bb234 · 17/07/2023 19:25

Do you think she’s using herself now because of him?

Swishytwip · 17/07/2023 19:34

It depends on the friendship. When my best friend of 20 years pointed out that I was in an abusive relationship, I ended it. But I think most women seem to choose the loser over themselves (and the friendship).

Kona84 · 17/07/2023 19:42

i say go no contact for a while but don’t shut her out completely.
this relationship sounds like it might be the start fo something controlling - it could be his intention to isolate her from everyone.
she might needs help one day

Emotionalsupportviper · 17/07/2023 19:42

OrwellianTimes · 16/07/2023 16:26

Yeah she’s found herself a loser and lowered herself to his standards sadly.

All you can do is step back and hope she will come to her senses.

This - Distance yourself and hope that he dumps her (because she is obviously too dependent on him to come to her senses) and be there for her when he does.

Oceanus · 17/07/2023 19:48

I have a friend who was in an abusive relationship shortly before I met her. I couldn't believe it when she told me. She dumped her friends and was treated like crap, even in front of strangers at the pub. His friends became hers.
Even his friends told her to get out but she said she was blind and she can't expalin what made her go on like that. I met her when she was 20 and she was already a strong and smart woman already. Her parents weren't wonderful (no abuse there), she had a dominant personality and she wasn't a yes person. My friend's the reason I'd keep the door open in your shoes OP. If your gut's telling you something's wrong with this guy, listen to it.

Diddlyumptious · 17/07/2023 19:58

As hard as it will be, you need to let the friendship go. Allow yourself time to mourn the loss, it is a loss and sad but it's time. No real friend would treat you that way.

Red0 · 17/07/2023 20:01

I don’t know that I agree with the idea of ending the friendship. I definitely agree you need to distance yourself and not set yourself up for disappointment/inconvenience from her any more. But surely she will eventually see the light. She could very well be in an emotionally (or otherwise) abusive relationship - this sounds similar to a family member of mine who we eventually discovered was practically being held prisoner and definitely being abused by her partner. If she didn’t have us when she eventually saw the light, maybe she never would’ve left.
So I say distance yourself but still maintain a relationship, just a different one for now and hopefully your friend will return soon.

WideEyedStirrer · 17/07/2023 20:05

FrugalKisses · 16/07/2023 16:53

I’d be worried about her tbh. What’s going on there?

YANBU to be pissed off, disappointed, sad, hurt and confused by the horrible change in behaviour.

However I’d keep the door open if she does leave him. It seems odd that she’s suddenly behaving in a way that is alienating everyone around her and causing her to become ever more isolated in this sad existence. It doesn’t sound like he has much of a life of his own.

Some people can be very manipulative and if this is really out of character having known her for 20 years, I’d be concerned for her whilst also doing whatever you need to do for yourself.

Spot on.

Oceanus · 17/07/2023 20:05

Oceanus · 17/07/2023 19:48

I have a friend who was in an abusive relationship shortly before I met her. I couldn't believe it when she told me. She dumped her friends and was treated like crap, even in front of strangers at the pub. His friends became hers.
Even his friends told her to get out but she said she was blind and she can't expalin what made her go on like that. I met her when she was 20 and she was already a strong and smart woman already. Her parents weren't wonderful (no abuse there), she had a dominant personality and she wasn't a yes person. My friend's the reason I'd keep the door open in your shoes OP. If your gut's telling you something's wrong with this guy, listen to it.

Her parents WERE/ARE wonderful! Goodness me, her mum's lovely!

TheLadyofShalott1 · 17/07/2023 20:09

Well you haven't posted for over a day now @BirdieStar so I presume you have left your thread. However, on the vague chance that you are still reading these comments, I want to say that I am disappointed by your last post. You have been very close to your friend for 20 years and yet seem willing to dump her when she has got herself into a very bad situation. Isn't it on occassions like this that friends show just how good they really are, or whether they were only ever fair weather friends.

She needs you now more than any other time OP, so I think that you should be doing as many others have suggested, and let her know that you can't support her at the moment as she obviously won't accept any advice or help, but that if she does ever need you, you will of course be there for her.

IveHadItUpToHere · 17/07/2023 20:12

When you're in a bad relationship with an unreliable person - that's when you need your friends more. Abusive men go out of their way to isolate women from their support networks.
By all means change the parameters of your friendship with her but I wouldn't end a 20 year friendship because my friend was in a bad relationship.

Hopper123 · 17/07/2023 20:13

It sounds like she may be in a coercive/controlling relationship especially as it is so out of character. He won't meet her family or friends so therefore when there are plans she can't go because he won't perhaps? She's due to meet you and have a nice time woth other people so he coercively convinces her she needs to stay in and sign for his package? People in a secure/safe relationship could say no! Is it a way of separating her from the people who can protect her maybe? It's rubbish and she is absolutely being a rubbish friend but maybe distance yourself from her with the proviso that the door is open for reconciliation should she ever need your support in leaving him? I think there are a lot of red flags for her relationship with this man and as a friend I would actually be very concerned for her safety alongside my own feelings of frustration and hurt.

I lost a best friend of many years about 10 years ago in a similar way except instead of a narcissistic boyfriend it was another friend who was jealous of our friendship who caused the issues. I had to walk away but I understand the hurt it causes.

Could you have a conversation with her to tell her how hurt you are, that it's not like her and also to flat out ask her if she feels safe with him (if you are able to have a private conversation without him there of course)

WildUnchartedWaters · 17/07/2023 20:13

TheLadyofShalott1 · 17/07/2023 20:09

Well you haven't posted for over a day now @BirdieStar so I presume you have left your thread. However, on the vague chance that you are still reading these comments, I want to say that I am disappointed by your last post. You have been very close to your friend for 20 years and yet seem willing to dump her when she has got herself into a very bad situation. Isn't it on occassions like this that friends show just how good they really are, or whether they were only ever fair weather friends.

She needs you now more than any other time OP, so I think that you should be doing as many others have suggested, and let her know that you can't support her at the moment as she obviously won't accept any advice or help, but that if she does ever need you, you will of course be there for her.

This

MsRosley · 17/07/2023 20:15

I'd have ditched her at the afternoon tea stunt. Ain't nobody got time for that shit.

Nothinglikeachild · 17/07/2023 20:15

This is typical behavior of someone in an abusive relationship which if I may add, she’s not enjoying. She either hasn’t realized it, she feels trapped or somehow thinks if she tries a little harder and concentrates on him, it will get better. She actually needs you to look out for her. Please leave the door open for her. She would likely come back.

Libelula21 · 17/07/2023 20:16

I haven’t read the whole thread, only the OP’s posts but I find it weird that someone who shies away from relationships and hardly ever goes out with anyone would choose such a downbeat.

A horrible way to treat the OP. I’m wondering whether there was always some kind of power imbalance in the friendship (projecting my own experiences there though)… or indeed if the new boyfriend is controlling.