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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop all extra activities due to attitude in 9yo?

126 replies

AttitudeOnHer · 16/07/2023 12:38

Always been the same so it’s not end of year burnout or anything.

DD is 9, just finishing Yr4 but has SN.

The attitude is appalling. Refusing to tidy up the mess she made with her toys and crafts, refusing to take plate into the kitchen after eating, refusing to get a drink or demanding it of me.

Taking toys or sweets or desert away doesn’t work because she walks down the road to ExH where she gets all these things and I can’t stop her seeing her dad. Throwing them in the bin means she asks ExH to replace them which he does.

Shouting at her results in her melting down and I end up hit, kicked and scratched at. Setting a timer and telling her to do as much as she can in that time results in her turning the timer over every time it gets half way or cancelling the timer on Alexa. If I do a timer on my phone she doesn’t even listen to it. Praise results in her going “I did a good job and now deserve a rest” after she’s picked up literally one thing or she’ll grumble and tell me she’s going to dads house as she doesn’t have to tidy up there.

My only leeway is her extracurricular activities – I’d keep swimming as she needs to learn to swim but she’s chosen a holiday club based on her current obsession and I can always book her into the normal one where none of her friends are going (current obsession is Musical Theatre and she’s booked onto a 4 week holiday course she’s very excited – it’s more expensive than the normal none theme based holiday club where she’d do craft etc). I can stop her going on the none compulsory residential in Year 5 – all other trips are compulsory and educational so I’d keep those but the residential is a completely optional 2 night trip, the Year 6 4 nights is also optional. I can stop paying for Scouts in September.

But then I get screamed at and told I can’t cancel them. ExH refuses to pay for them so she won’t get them back. But I feel guilty because they help her so much, in terms of how she feels about herself. But I think it’s my only thing I can do. All I want is for her to tidy up or take her plate out or make herself a drink, nothing that she’s incapable of.

She's always been like this, since me and ExH split when she was toddler, she's always got her own way at dads and not forced to do anything she doesn't want to do. School try and foster her independence to, but she also shuts down there, I don't think doing it for her is the way to go but I have no way of showing her this.

AIBU to cancel her stuff?

OP posts:
QuestionableMouse · 16/07/2023 12:44

I'd keep that as the nuclear option - try some more immediate consequences like if she doesn't tidy her craft stuff up, it gets put away for a week and she's not allowed it back. If she wants a drink and doesn't get one, well, she can be thirsty!

I'd also look at making it as easy as possible for her - big tub for her craft stuff, reusable water bottle/shaker cup left in thre same place, that sort of thing.

My friend's mum fed her in paper plates when she refused to help with the dishes! As a teen girl it only took a couple of times before she put her plate in the dishwasher!

Original poster
AttitudeOnHer · 16/07/2023 12:47

QuestionableMouse · 16/07/2023 12:44

I'd keep that as the nuclear option - try some more immediate consequences like if she doesn't tidy her craft stuff up, it gets put away for a week and she's not allowed it back. If she wants a drink and doesn't get one, well, she can be thirsty!

I'd also look at making it as easy as possible for her - big tub for her craft stuff, reusable water bottle/shaker cup left in thre same place, that sort of thing.

My friend's mum fed her in paper plates when she refused to help with the dishes! As a teen girl it only took a couple of times before she put her plate in the dishwasher!

@QuestionableMouse That doesn't work though, she'll just walk to ExH where he buys more craft stuff or makes a drink for her, it literally doesn't force her to do it at home.

She has big tubs for everything, she literally won't use them. She has a reusable bottle for school, she can use it at home, but she refuses to fill it at school or home, expects someone to do it for her and when I/her teacher says do it yourself she goes thirsty at school or from here walks to her dads. I can't force her, being thirsty isn't a consequence for her, she just laughs it off.

She'd love paper plates, she will leave those lying everywhere to like she does all her rubbish, I can't give her packets of sweets anymore as she just drops them where she's stood/sat and refuses to bin them, again her dad does it for her.

OP posts:
huffyhufferson · 16/07/2023 12:51

Tell your ex that daughter has to move in with him.

EauNeu · 16/07/2023 12:51

is there demand avoidance at play here? I think the normal behavioural sanctions just don't work if so. I would consider reposting this on SN board as you won't get useful advice from people without SN children on mumsnet unfortunately.

NuffSaidSam · 16/07/2023 12:58

Have you tried discussing it with her like she's a grown-up member of the team? How does she respond? If you explain it as a problem that you need to solve together, ask her what she needs to help her do it, how can you as a team overcome this issue etc.

I would be very reluctant to use your very last option (the clubs) on something like she won't put sweet wrappers in the bin....she's at the age where her behaviour could get a lot, lot worse. Don't set yourself up as two opposing enemy forces at this point! You need to find a way to approach it as a team effort.

Original poster
AttitudeOnHer · 16/07/2023 12:59

NuffSaidSam · 16/07/2023 12:58

Have you tried discussing it with her like she's a grown-up member of the team? How does she respond? If you explain it as a problem that you need to solve together, ask her what she needs to help her do it, how can you as a team overcome this issue etc.

I would be very reluctant to use your very last option (the clubs) on something like she won't put sweet wrappers in the bin....she's at the age where her behaviour could get a lot, lot worse. Don't set yourself up as two opposing enemy forces at this point! You need to find a way to approach it as a team effort.

@NuffSaidSam She shrugs and says dad doesn't make her do it so she doesn't see why she should have to or it's not her job to keep my home clean as I'm the adult thats my job.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 16/07/2023 13:00

AttitudeOnHer · 16/07/2023 12:59

@NuffSaidSam She shrugs and says dad doesn't make her do it so she doesn't see why she should have to or it's not her job to keep my home clean as I'm the adult thats my job.

Show quote history

And then what do you say?

WandaWonder · 16/07/2023 13:00

I don't disagree with the thoughts behind it but is she suddenly going to think 'gee I better behave or I will miss out' do kids actually do that?

Again I don't disagree with doing it but don't think it works that way, sure if parents can come on here as say it does great

WigglyWoods · 16/07/2023 13:01

What are her special needs? How do they affect her on a day to day basis?

Do you if her processing is affected, her working memory, her receptive language skills, for example.

Stop shouting at her, for a start.

Seeline · 16/07/2023 13:01

You say she has SN - could this be impacting in her behaviour?

Is she really allowed to leave the house whenever she wants to walk to her Dad's?

Notimeforaname · 16/07/2023 13:02

She shrugs and says dad doesn't make her do it so she doesn't see why she should have to or it's not her job to keep my home clean as I'm the adult thats my job.

Yes I would be taking the clubs off her.

Original poster
AttitudeOnHer · 16/07/2023 13:02

Seeline · 16/07/2023 13:01

You say she has SN - could this be impacting in her behaviour?

Is she really allowed to leave the house whenever she wants to walk to her Dad's?

@Seeline Her dad lives less 0.2m from us, he lives closer to us than school is, I can see her walk to his house from my bedroom window and I text her dad and grandparents to tell them to expect her. I can't really stop her?

OP posts:
empatheticpretzel · 16/07/2023 13:05

No. The clubs are enriching and good for her development. You will end up taking away everything until she has nothing left. She will only see you taking it away as being mean. She isn't capable of correlating the two, and it wont get to the route of her behaviour. Speak with people who know about autism and behavioural issues. She must have problems with understanding.

WigglyWoods · 16/07/2023 13:05

As if I have just noticed that you have mentioned her “current obsession”, I am wondering if she is autistic or has ADHD.

If so, get yourself on a parenting course about parenting approaches for ND children, buy books and read them, join some parenting groups either in person or online and ask for advice from other parents.

Cosyblankets · 16/07/2023 13:05

Is the relationship with ex so bad that you can't discuss it with him? It's quite disturbing that you say you can't stop her. She's 9.

AlexanderArnold · 16/07/2023 13:05

Your poor daughter. She must be so confused and is clearly pushing every boundary. You don't say what the SN are, but if she needs consistency, the situation is likely to be even more confusing for her. I'd find mediation with your ex to establish consistent boundaries across the two households. I certainly wouldn't be punishing her further.

QuestionableMouse · 16/07/2023 13:08

AttitudeOnHer · 16/07/2023 12:47

@QuestionableMouse That doesn't work though, she'll just walk to ExH where he buys more craft stuff or makes a drink for her, it literally doesn't force her to do it at home.

She has big tubs for everything, she literally won't use them. She has a reusable bottle for school, she can use it at home, but she refuses to fill it at school or home, expects someone to do it for her and when I/her teacher says do it yourself she goes thirsty at school or from here walks to her dads. I can't force her, being thirsty isn't a consequence for her, she just laughs it off.

She'd love paper plates, she will leave those lying everywhere to like she does all her rubbish, I can't give her packets of sweets anymore as she just drops them where she's stood/sat and refuses to bin them, again her dad does it for her.

Show quote history

She's nine.

You absolutely can stop her just walking out and going to her dad's.

LobsterCrab · 16/07/2023 13:11

Have you explained that she may lose the clubs and trips if her behaviour continues?

Notimeforaname · 16/07/2023 13:12

You will end up taking away everything until she has nothing left. She will only see you taking it away as being mean. She isn't capable of correlating the two, and it wont get to the route of her behaviour.
A 9 year old can fully understand that something is being taken away because they are not behaving in the way they should.
The child fully understands, which is why she goes elsewhere to have it taken care of for her. She is treating her mother as a maid. I would not be rewarding that.

WigglyWoods · 16/07/2023 13:13

Notimeforaname · 16/07/2023 13:12

You will end up taking away everything until she has nothing left. She will only see you taking it away as being mean. She isn't capable of correlating the two, and it wont get to the route of her behaviour.
A 9 year old can fully understand that something is being taken away because they are not behaving in the way they should.
The child fully understands, which is why she goes elsewhere to have it taken care of for her. She is treating her mother as a maid. I would not be rewarding that.

Did you miss the fact that her child has SEN? You haven’t got a clue what she does or doesn’t understand.

Choice4567 · 16/07/2023 13:13

I think you can stop her walking out the house. If Dad didn’t live nearby, you wouldn’t let her just walk out every time she got in a huff

Notimeforaname · 16/07/2023 13:14

Also op , you can absolutely stop your child from walking out the door. Shes 9. I was not allowed to just walk out of the house when I please, at 9.
I had to say where I was going and check I had permission. If I had homework or dinner, I wasn't allowed to leave. So you need to make this known.

Blossomtoes · 16/07/2023 13:15

How’s she going to stop her? Tie her to a chair?

Notimeforaname · 16/07/2023 13:16

Did you miss the fact that her child has SEN? You haven’t got a clue what she does or doesn’t understand.

No I didn't miss it. The child is choosing to ignore her mother's wishes and tells her that she doesn't have to do any of these things. So she needs to lose a privilege til she does.