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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is there anyone who hasn't found having children that bad?

279 replies

Addictedtocinammonrolls · 15/07/2023 21:02

I'm 32, all I hear is how people regret it, how hard it is, they haven't slept well in years, their looks and figure are ruined, finances and relationships ruined and so on .
I am really on the fence about it. If I were to have any I'd only ever have one I think.. I like my current life, I just really don't know. I'm not expecting it to be a piece of cake but so many people seem to regret it.

OP posts:
Luxembourgmama · 15/07/2023 22:00

Yes I have found it pretty easy mine are 3.5 and 7.

user159 · 15/07/2023 22:01

I have one child and even though there have been some tough times, I wouldn't change it for the world. She makes me smile a thousand times more than I feel sad or stressed. I know my limits though - as much as I would love her to have a sibling, I don't think we'd cope with that in the same way. So we are choosing to have one child, we are lucky she is happy and healthy.

EtchAFerret · 15/07/2023 22:01

I find it OK and there are a lot of great bits but I agree with the advice - if you’re unsure, on the fence, ambivalent, then please do not do it. The impact on your life, finances and relationship is so massive (even more than I anticipated, and I only have one) then unless it’s something you have a burning desire to do, it would be best not to.

Squashyy · 15/07/2023 22:02

RedRobyn2021 · 15/07/2023 21:39

I'm not going to lie and say it isn't hard but I am firm believer in you get out of it what you put in. I've always been there for my DD from day dot and put her before me, I've been there for her sleep needs and I've made changes to accommodate it. I continued to bf her even when I was being woken every hour and seemed to be glued to the sofa trying to leave the house, i found this emotionally difficult and lonely. I read parenting books to understand her development better and I don't rely on the tv. We have all our meals together. I gave up work to be with her so we don't have to send her to nursery, so we have less money.

As a result I have a emotionally secure, happy, kind, patient 2 year old. She trusts me 100% because I've never given her a reason not to.

Obviously lots of parents do things differently, but do think there are a lot of parents that can be quite selfish and be more interested in their own needs more than their child's. For example, I really struggle to understand how people can sleep train their children.

You'd understand very quickly why people sleep train their children if you went back to work and were trying to function on a few hours sleep. I wasn't aware sleep training was detrimental to emotional security? My DS was sleep trained, goes to bed, falls asleep independently, sleeps all night, wakes up happy and so do I after a full nights sleep. A happy mum is a happy child. Give your head a wobble, we can't all sack in work because we've had kids and mums are still human beings with needs of their own, we aren't just designed to be mothers. The world would be a very different place if we were all so narrow minded.

Skinthin · 15/07/2023 22:02

Itsadogone · 15/07/2023 21:06

I have found it great! Yes it can be difficult at times but I think you’re expected to just keep quiet if you don’t find it hard. One of my friends in particular will say how she’s cried every day and just makes the whole thing sound like hell. I’m sure for her it must be but for me it’s been the complete opposite experience. I knew I couldn’t have coped without sleep so I read Gina Ford and followed the wake windows in it from when he was 2 weeks old. From 6 weeks old there were no night feeds and from 10 weeks old he was going 12 hours. He’s now almost 3 and has probably woken during the night about 5 times in that whole time. He entertains himself a lot in the day. It’s really not something I find hard but it’s almost like you’re expected to so you can’t say anything if you don’t. He will have his moments of going and bringing things out of cupboards etc but it’s nothing compared to what I thought it was going to be from the constant horror stories I’d heard over the years!

followed the wake windows in it from when he was 2 weeks old. From 6 weeks old there were no night feeds and from 10 weeks old he was going 12 hours. He’s now almost 3 and has probably woken during the night about 5 times in that whole time. He entertains himself a lot in the day

😲😲😲😲 clearly I am doing this all wrong 😑 🥴

Amonthinthecountry · 15/07/2023 22:03

We felt similar to you and went for it. Our child is three now. Don’t regret it for a moment.

Gettingbysomehow · 15/07/2023 22:03

My DS was great. Slept well. No trouble. I had him at 21 and we are best friends now he is an adult. We text everyday.

Saracen · 15/07/2023 22:04

If you like your current life, don't have children. Your life changes immeasurably. For me, kids have been brilliant. They turned my life upside down, but not for the worse.

kikisparks · 15/07/2023 22:04

Namechangenoo · 15/07/2023 21:18

I love being a mum, but I do have an only child and think that might be the key to loving it.

Me too. Not that I would say other people with multiples don’t love being a mum if it works for them, but I think the key to ME personally loving it involves being a one child family.

Just in respect of sleep OP we didn’t ever sleep train and the first few months were hard but DD was down to a very manageable one wake up at night by 5 months old and stopped waking at night at all at about 13 months.

Panjandrum123 · 15/07/2023 22:04

@Addictedtocinammonrolls I don’t regret having my DSs, I do feel sad that we had to spend so much on childcare that we’re stuck in a tiny house where they can’t really bring their friends as we don’t have a separate space for them to be in, away from us.

It wasn’t always a picnic, I don’t think we found it terribly hard, a lot of it was taking it a day at a time. We didn’t have many holidays and the few we did take were in the UK. But I wouldn’t have missed out on having them, they’re funny, kind, hardworking and I hope they go on to lead fulfilling and happy lives.

Skinthin · 15/07/2023 22:04

Gettingbysomehow · 15/07/2023 22:03

My DS was great. Slept well. No trouble. I had him at 21 and we are best friends now he is an adult. We text everyday.

Aww!

SmallTreeDeepRoots · 15/07/2023 22:04

First, there are legions of people in the media who are paid for complaining about parenthood and competing over who can fail the most at it. Maybe it’s an antidote to the perfect images others portray, but mostly it just adds to the aura of drudgery and weariness that surrounds raising children.

Second, I firmly believe that if you expect to be miserable then you will be. Any human activity has its periods of hard-going. But there is no need to dwell on them. I have had some extremely frustrating and long nights. But most have been fine. Ever had a job that was 100% wonderful? Or a relationship? Or a home? Why should being a mother be any different?

I have enjoyed both my children. They are fascinating people and good company. It is not all easy. One has special needs - that is a lottery, but so is the rest of life. Maybe you won’t be able to have a baby. Maybe you or your partner will get ill. Maybe you will have to work more than you would prefer to. Maybe you will have to work less. You can’t over plan. All you can choose is whether to open yourself to the possibilities - if there are too many unknowns for you, it is absolutely fine to say it is not for you.

nasanas · 15/07/2023 22:05

RedRobyn2021 · 15/07/2023 21:39

I'm not going to lie and say it isn't hard but I am firm believer in you get out of it what you put in. I've always been there for my DD from day dot and put her before me, I've been there for her sleep needs and I've made changes to accommodate it. I continued to bf her even when I was being woken every hour and seemed to be glued to the sofa trying to leave the house, i found this emotionally difficult and lonely. I read parenting books to understand her development better and I don't rely on the tv. We have all our meals together. I gave up work to be with her so we don't have to send her to nursery, so we have less money.

As a result I have a emotionally secure, happy, kind, patient 2 year old. She trusts me 100% because I've never given her a reason not to.

Obviously lots of parents do things differently, but do think there are a lot of parents that can be quite selfish and be more interested in their own needs more than their child's. For example, I really struggle to understand how people can sleep train their children.

Never read a book, often had the telly on, rarely ate meals together and also juggled work for many years.

Got a couple of fully grown and successful adult children who have left home already.

Bless you and your way

Saschka · 15/07/2023 22:08

Skinthin · 15/07/2023 22:02

followed the wake windows in it from when he was 2 weeks old. From 6 weeks old there were no night feeds and from 10 weeks old he was going 12 hours. He’s now almost 3 and has probably woken during the night about 5 times in that whole time. He entertains himself a lot in the day

😲😲😲😲 clearly I am doing this all wrong 😑 🥴

Show quote history

DS was a terrible sleeper, so we coslept from about 9 months old (once the risk of cot death was a bit lower - he was in the sidecar cot before that).

I don’t think we had an unbroken nights sleep until he was about 5, though obviously a little voice calling out for a drink at midnight is a bit different to a baby crying for a feed every hour on the hour.

muddlingthrou · 15/07/2023 22:08

I had quite debilitating PND and PNA and I still don't regret it for a second! They are the most wondrous thing to happen to you (though I respect not for everyone)

WideEyedStirrer · 15/07/2023 22:08

It's the best thing I ever did by a million miles.

StaunchMomma · 15/07/2023 22:09

I don't know anyone who regrets having kids. They, as do I, consider their kids to be the best thing they ever did and love them endlessly.

Of course we all go through periods of moaning about tiredness etc because it is bloody tiring!! Not for one second does it mean we regret it!!

EtchAFerret · 15/07/2023 22:09

StaunchMomma · 15/07/2023 22:09

I don't know anyone who regrets having kids. They, as do I, consider their kids to be the best thing they ever did and love them endlessly.

Of course we all go through periods of moaning about tiredness etc because it is bloody tiring!! Not for one second does it mean we regret it!!

I take your point but those who regret them are hardly likely to slip it into general conversation….

AlltheFs · 15/07/2023 22:10

I didn’t sleep train, would never do that. I breastfed for 26 months, went back to work after a year. Not much sleep for the first 3 months but after that it was fine. We co-slept and it was lovely to be honest. I wouldn’t change those days.

The thing I would say is though, choose the father carefully! Almost everyone that hates being a mother has a useless fuckwit partner that does naff all. We are strictly 50/50, obviously I have the tits so the feeding was me. But he did absolutely everything else at home for those first years and now the pick ups, drop offs, sick days and all that are shared. That makes all the difference.

NotGotAClue1 · 15/07/2023 22:11

RedRobyn2021 · 15/07/2023 21:39

I'm not going to lie and say it isn't hard but I am firm believer in you get out of it what you put in. I've always been there for my DD from day dot and put her before me, I've been there for her sleep needs and I've made changes to accommodate it. I continued to bf her even when I was being woken every hour and seemed to be glued to the sofa trying to leave the house, i found this emotionally difficult and lonely. I read parenting books to understand her development better and I don't rely on the tv. We have all our meals together. I gave up work to be with her so we don't have to send her to nursery, so we have less money.

As a result I have a emotionally secure, happy, kind, patient 2 year old. She trusts me 100% because I've never given her a reason not to.

Obviously lots of parents do things differently, but do think there are a lot of parents that can be quite selfish and be more interested in their own needs more than their child's. For example, I really struggle to understand how people can sleep train their children.

Don’t like the comment about sleep training. My son would only contact sleep and my partner and I took shifts holding him on the sofa throughout the night. I was exhausted. We eventually tried co sleeping which worked well for us until he fell out of bed which was a wake up call for me to start sleep training. No one can understand this unless you’ve been through it and we shouldn’t be shaming or judging each other based on decisions we make which work best for our family and individual circumstances.

Jonniecomelately · 15/07/2023 22:12

It's hard but also fulfilling. I personally love it now they are teenagers. Teenagers get a bad name, but they are funny, lovely, yes grumpy but also great fun.

There are loads of things in life that are hard but still worth it. Exercise, dieting, working hard at school, tidying your house etc etc.

bluewanda · 15/07/2023 22:14

bakewellbride · 15/07/2023 21:04

If you're on the fence please don't do it.

I love my children and they are the best thing that ever happened to me but it IS a lot of hard work and I only did it because I had wanted children deeply and desperately all my life.

I find this comment rather patronising TBH. I was on the fence about having kids, now I have them and am so glad I did. Yes there are tough times but would I change my decision? Absolutely not.

glittereyelash · 15/07/2023 22:15

Every child is so different and your experience won't be the same as anyone else's nobody gets everything. I had the fussiest baby on earth who cried non stop for three full years. My god it was hard but I took it day by day and did my best to cope and it did get easier. He slept brilliantly though prob because he was exhausted from all the crying and I'm the same weight as I was pre birth. I don't regret any of it though its definitely made me stronger, more patient and I really adore my little man. Best of luck whatever you decide ❤️

Tiredbutwireless · 15/07/2023 22:15

Love my kids - it literally has never crossed my mind to regret having them. They drive me nuts often, are expensive and messy (2 tween girls) but they are funny active and amazing human beings I love spending time with. And I’m a “double” parent - their dad passed away a few years ago.

bluewanda · 15/07/2023 22:15

Oh, and I’m a great mum too - and certainly no less of a one than someone who’s wanted kids since they were a kid themselves!