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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is there anyone who hasn't found having children that bad?

279 replies

Addictedtocinammonrolls · 15/07/2023 21:02

I'm 32, all I hear is how people regret it, how hard it is, they haven't slept well in years, their looks and figure are ruined, finances and relationships ruined and so on .
I am really on the fence about it. If I were to have any I'd only ever have one I think.. I like my current life, I just really don't know. I'm not expecting it to be a piece of cake but so many people seem to regret it.

OP posts:
elliejjtiny · 15/07/2023 21:27

I have 5 and I love it. If I could have afforded help and if my body wasn't so knackered I might have had more. However it's extremely hard at times.

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/07/2023 21:27

I have a 7 month old so I’m still new to this but so far, I haven’t found it to be hard at all. In fact, the ‘hard’ thing is that it can be so boring at times but that is getting better as he gets older and more interactive.

Mine slept 12 hours by 8 weeks. I got so many horror stories about sleep but it isn’t always that way.

Original poster
Addictedtocinammonrolls · 15/07/2023 21:27

Thanks very much, your replies have really helped!

OP posts:
Hazelnuttella · 15/07/2023 21:27

There’s negatives on here because it’s a good place for venting and getting advice and support.

I use mn to ask for advice about my toddler hitting, I don’t start threads on all the adorable little things he’s done today. So it’s not really a balanced view.

And yes to sleep training. My DS was a nightmare sleeper, but that was only 6 months of our lives. Then a couple more months with a few wake ups per night. Once he’d dropped his feeds at 8 months he slept for 12 hours, so plenty of time to sleep.

RosesAndHellebores · 15/07/2023 21:28

Best thing I ever did and mine were rubbish sleepers. However, I was very lucky because I didn't have to go back to work until dd was settled in reception.

I never had as much agency as when I was at home with the children. We had such a lovely time.

Original poster
Addictedtocinammonrolls · 15/07/2023 21:28

5, wow 😃

OP posts:
HelloUtrecht · 15/07/2023 21:28

It was nowhere near as hard as everyone said it would be and I have no idea why people are so negative about it TBH. DH and I share the load. I can nap when I want as he's there too so takes charge if I'm asleep. DC sleeps well. My body hasn't changed that much and I have time to myself and time to exercise so feel good. No one went into detail about how wonderful DC can be. She's just amazing!

LobsterCrab · 15/07/2023 21:29

I love being a mum, I did find the early years of interrupted sleep really hard though.

Mamai90 · 15/07/2023 21:32

You can also budget for a night nanny, you can ask family for help

Of course, if you just budget properly you'll be able to afford a night nanny. Some people on here don't live in the real world 🙄

BungleandGeorge · 15/07/2023 21:34

Some people have a much easier time than others. They then presume that it was down to their parenting but often it’s luck/ temperament of the child/ their own genetics etc. lots of things in life are difficult, sometimes the most rewarding are the most difficult. It really comes down to whether you want children because it will totally change your life. If you’re not too bothered I probably wouldn’t tbh

2ndMrsdeWinter · 15/07/2023 21:35

IMO, parenting is the best thing in the entire world and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Don’t get me wrong, the lack of sleep is shitty, but that passes in time.

RedLem0nade · 15/07/2023 21:35

Mine are 7 & 9 and I adore them, and my life as a mother.

I wasn’t absolutely 100% desperate to have children but I thought I’d like it and DP and I felt we were “ready as well ever be” so we decided to just go for it. Honestly it wasn’t a big overwhelming biological drive or anything. More a “sure, go on so” feeling.

And yes, of course, at times it has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I’ve had PLENTY of sleepless nights (I did not make good sleepers and was too soft to sleep train). BUT if I didn’t feel an overwhelming urge to have children before I had them, I am utterly overwhelmed by love for them now.

They have given me and DP so much joy. They have made us appreciate the simple things in life so much more, I have re-lived my own wonderful childhood through theirs, I have stopped to smell the roses with them a billion times. Perhaps if it hasn’t been (admittedly) SO HARD at times, then the good times wouldn’t be as heart-fillingly sweet.

No doubt your life will never be the same again, but for every trough of sleep deprived despair, at least for me, there had been a subsequent peak of pure joy. It’s a rollercoaster. But my god it’s bloody brilliant, life affirming stuff. Hence we went for a second round!

I think you could canvass a thousand people and get a thousand different answers. The reality is the “cons” list for having a child at all is intimidatingly massive and the “pros” list boils down to one item: love.

And that has absolutely blown the cons out of the water for me.

wellwellwellll · 15/07/2023 21:37

I have to honestly wonder if the people who serially complain about it on here (and I don’t mean an occasional vent, etc) are just those types of people. You’re not going to hear from the ones who are enjoying it because I imagine they’re probably less likely to click on threads like these

pinkyredrose · 15/07/2023 21:37

Does your partner want to be a father?

RedRobyn2021 · 15/07/2023 21:39

I'm not going to lie and say it isn't hard but I am firm believer in you get out of it what you put in. I've always been there for my DD from day dot and put her before me, I've been there for her sleep needs and I've made changes to accommodate it. I continued to bf her even when I was being woken every hour and seemed to be glued to the sofa trying to leave the house, i found this emotionally difficult and lonely. I read parenting books to understand her development better and I don't rely on the tv. We have all our meals together. I gave up work to be with her so we don't have to send her to nursery, so we have less money.

As a result I have a emotionally secure, happy, kind, patient 2 year old. She trusts me 100% because I've never given her a reason not to.

Obviously lots of parents do things differently, but do think there are a lot of parents that can be quite selfish and be more interested in their own needs more than their child's. For example, I really struggle to understand how people can sleep train their children.

DinaofCloud9 · 15/07/2023 21:39

Mine are the best thing to have happened to me. It helps they are both laid back and were good sleepers but they've been so much easier than what I expected.

Thisismeyeah · 15/07/2023 21:40

Do you want to be a parent? Do you want to be a family? Do you want to have children? If so, do it. I may moan about being tired, but in reality, it is partly my own fault. Young children sleep 12+ hours in a day if you sleep when they sleep, you will have more sleep than you need. The difficulty comes when you burn the candle at both ends.

Embrace The life and fun and exciting times of parent hood and you will love it (if thats what you want). If you dont want a child family and never had then dont. Dont base your judgement on what other people say. Humans are rarely positive and tend to focus on the worst as we all seem to moan.

How old are tou roughly? I had my 1st at 32 and for me it was ideal as I enjoyed the party lifestyle beforehand. I had a few years to have some adult time before I had my second at 39! Old for some but perfect for us.

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 15/07/2023 21:40

Mine are 2, 2,6.

God I love being a mum - even being a single parent

Is it hard? Yes and no - it's all relevant isn't it. Depends on your personality and lifestyle before kids.

Haven't slept well in years? Yes and no. Newborn and toddler years have their moments but when they are snuggled in my bed I sleep the best I've ever had

Looks and figures ruined? Might be having twins and not having a minute to sit down or eat but I'm in the best shape I've been in for years

Finances - yes it's hard but if the the government funded hours come off for age 9 months onwards then you've got it easy compared to some of us

Relationships - have to agree with you on this one. My relationship and marriage of 20 years broke down after having twins.

LidlOrAldi · 15/07/2023 21:40

I love my kids but it has been life-changing and there is no going back if you don't like it. I love being a mum, I have an 18-year-old who is amazing and a 15-year-old with special needs who will never be independent.
If you are undecided then don't do it.

Squashyy · 15/07/2023 21:41

You won't die without lack of sleep, it is what it is and it doesn't last forever. If you have things you want to do before starting a family though I'd definitely do them as your life is never the same, in a good way though. You just can't come and go as you please.

OddsOff · 15/07/2023 21:41

I had a very decent job and a DH who was invested, I also took time for myself. We had money to throw at issues like childcare and a cleaner and gardener.

Rainbow1612 · 15/07/2023 21:41

I love my boys to bits but it is bloody hard at times. Hard but rewarding. I always wanted children though and I've never regretted it once.
I would say if you're not sure then don't do it.

NameChange245 · 15/07/2023 21:42

I don't, and never have, regretted it.

Having children has been the best thing to ever happen to me.

My children are my world and I adore them..

But it is hard! Sometimes v hard! Sometimes not hard at all. But even on the v v hard days, I still adore my children and have zero regrets!

Ducksurprise · 15/07/2023 21:44

Not read the FT, but it remains the best thing I have ever done and my one wish would be to rewind time and do it all again. I have seven bedrooms and six kids, if I'd had more bedrooms I'd have had more kids

Saschka · 15/07/2023 21:45

Best thing I’ve ever done, never had any regrets.

They don’t ruin your life - I have just had an absolutely magical day out with 6 year old DS at Monster Jam (monster truck show, not something I would have had any inclination to attend pre-kids), followed by a takeaway, bath and bedtime stories. He is now asleep, I have a glass of wine and am running a bath. Husband is away at a music festival with friends.

He’s an only not through choice (fertility problems), but if it helps, the people I hear complaining about having children all have more than one child - obviously I also know plenty with two or more children who are perfectly happy, but I think adding in sibling squabbling and trying to meet two different- aged children’s needs is much harder work than having one.