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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I fat shame her?

333 replies

melonspritz · 15/07/2023 14:05

Just posting to ask for some perspective

I’ve been accused of fat shaming someone but I honestly don’t think I did

im currently looking for a full loan for one of my horses (a 15hh Connemara). She was our showjumping horse but we are moving up to something bigger so was looking for a full loan home for her to do some general riding club things. She’s a great pony, bombproof and has taken us up the levels so we owe her a lot. I left an advert in the local tack shop and was contacted fairly quickly by a lot of people and had to weed through people that were unsuitable. I was contacted by someone who was looking for a mother daughter loan share for her and her young adult daughter. She was previously a very experienced rider but had taken some time out and was now back and riding at a riding school and her daughter had been riding for a while too. They were looking for something to hack, do small jumps and spoil with cuddles and attention etc. all sounded perfect. I sent them all the details about the horse and offered for them to come out and have a lesson on her to try her out. I double checked before this and asked specifically if there were anything else I should know that may make them unsuitable for her (by this I meant that they weren’t happy with the price or were actually more novicey than they were making out) and they said no she was exactly what they wanted and they were riding horses like her at the riding school

they came out and they were far,far too big for her. I knew as soon as I saw them the mum that she was too big, and I wasn’t certain about her daughter so had to awkwardly mention it and ask what weight she was as I will not go over the weight rules for my horse. Her daughter was way over it too. I had to politely and very awkwardly explain that it wasn’t suitable and I was really sorry. They went absolutely wild, saying I had fat shamed them and that I was a nasty cow and had made her daughter cry and I should have let them try her. They were furious and I had to ask them to leave the yard. I then received a string of abusive angry messages and voice notes which I’ve completely ignored but I feel really hurt and upset by it all. Then to top it off they went onto Facebook and absolutely tore into me for fat shaming them and being nasty. They’re still bloody messaging me today going wild about it all because apparently I discriminated against them because of their size and I fat shamed them

I’m not going to mention weights or numbers so as not to cause any offense but they were absolutely way over what was ok for my horse and ultimately she’s my priority. I wasn’t offensive as far as I can see but I had to be honest and I tried to be polite about it

I suppose I should have checked their weight before I came out but they said they were experienced riders so I assumed they would know they were far too big for a 15hh Connie. And they said they were riding similar horses at the riding school, I’ve since found out they’ve been riding Clydesdales and large cobs.

there’s nothing else really I can do other than move on and ignore it but it’s still incredibly hurtful to be slagged off on social media. I’ve just taken some time out to ignore it but it’s still really upset me and they’re still bloody messaging me calling me a nasty bitch and saying I fat shamed them. I don’t know how else I should have handled it though. Am I going crazy or did I do nothing wrong?!

AIBU?

OP posts:
N0ëlle · 15/07/2023 17:47

No, you pointed out an incompatibility.

Try not to feel guilty for wanting to protect your horse. Imagine the guilt you'd be feeling if you'd ignore their weights and let your horse pay the price for your ''diplomacy''. You had to pick 1) knock them back, or 2) put your horse under pressure. You did the right thing imo.

I'd just let them get on with being outraged.

Emotionalsupportviper · 15/07/2023 17:54

melonspritz · 15/07/2023 14:06

Should also have said, im a long term poster and hang about the tack room board a lot but I’ve NC

I'd have politely pointed out that a light-boned pony like a Connemara was suitable for people above a certain weight, and that 'experienced" orders ought to know this. That you weren't trying to be unkind, but that you had the health of you horse to think about.

And then if they continued to be abusive, I'd probably have said "If you don't want people to comment on your size should lose some weight you fat feckers.

As you say - she's been a good little mount for you and you do owe her. Anyone who owns an animal has a responsibility for it's health IN EVERY RESPECT, and you obviously take this seriously.

They are CFs. Block them and ignore.

Emotionalsupportviper · 15/07/2023 17:54

*UNsuitable - not suitable

Sorry

LuckyPeonies · 15/07/2023 17:54

I wonder who the 1% ‘you are being unreasonable’ voters are. 🤨
Perhaps the mum and daughter? 😀

Emotionalsupportviper · 15/07/2023 17:55

*Riders, not orders

FFS autoaarot - do you have to show me up EVERY TIME

Emotionalsupportviper · 15/07/2023 17:55

*autocorrect

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGH!

ChrisTrepidation · 15/07/2023 17:57

You have done nothing wrong. They are idiots.

No decent horse owner would let someone ride their horse if they were too big for it.

Stickybackplasticbear · 15/07/2023 17:58

There's a lot of fat shaming in the world. I've been much bigger so had my own experience of it. I don't think this was fat shaming. It's a safety rule for your horse. I'm learning to ride so I understand yuis can't he something you Ben the rules on for your horse's health to be maintained.

If you said it nicely you are fine.

Boomboom22 · 15/07/2023 18:01

Yanbu at all. Sometimes reality matters. This is one of those times.

Doormatnomore · 15/07/2023 18:03

We’re struggling to find a riding school for Ds who loves riding but is 5’10 and 12 1/2 stone ish. Riding school pony’s are generally too small for him. That’s not the fault of the riding school. It’s frustrating by how could it be any different?

to hell with that woman and her daughter.

spilltheteapot · 15/07/2023 18:05

Not in any way unreasonable.
After having my baby I was too heavy for my native pony, so I found him a home with a rider who was a suitable weight. (And other reasons like time and money, not just because I’m a fat cow!)
A hurt animal is more important than a hurt feeling.
Well done you. Not everyone would have had the courage or integrity.

FiddleLeaf · 15/07/2023 18:06

You did nothing wrong. It’s not fat shaming someone to state the facts that they are too heavy for the horse. They should have done some research. Unfortunate event & I’d block her.

Yeahno · 15/07/2023 18:07

Shame them. Don't take the abuse silent . Tell them that they are trying to make you complicit in animal abuse, yes go there. They want you to put their feelings above your horses safety and are so entitled they are trying to bully you into it. That what you do with these people, you shine a light on their behaviour.
Also if they have made their abuse public on Facebook, respond to them publicly. They may be trying to use you to gain oppression point which would make it hard for the next person with a horse to refuse them because look what happened to you and "aww these poor oppressed women just want to ride a horse".

Badger1970 · 15/07/2023 18:07

Honestly, block them and don't engage further. Anyone who clicks on their profile will see they're too big for your horse.

When DD started riding school, she was weighed before being allocated a horse. I would assume it was standard practice tbh.

IncompleteSenten · 15/07/2023 18:10

Yanbu
Animal welfare trumps someone's feelings.

nettie434 · 15/07/2023 18:12

To me, it's no different to a dog rescue telling someone who had poor mobility and lived in a studio flat that they couldn't have a husky dog. If they were the horse lovers they claimed to be, they wouldn't have wanted to make riding an unsafe or uncomfortable experience for your horse. Sounds like the horse had a lucky escape. Irrespective of their weight, their reaction to being told know suggests they would not be the ideal horse owners.

Dalekjastninerels · 15/07/2023 18:12

Emotionalsupportviper · 15/07/2023 17:55

*autocorrect

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGH!

Mumsnet needs an edit button.

Dalekjastninerels · 15/07/2023 18:13

nettie434 · 15/07/2023 18:12

To me, it's no different to a dog rescue telling someone who had poor mobility and lived in a studio flat that they couldn't have a husky dog. If they were the horse lovers they claimed to be, they wouldn't have wanted to make riding an unsafe or uncomfortable experience for your horse. Sounds like the horse had a lucky escape. Irrespective of their weight, their reaction to being told know suggests they would not be the ideal horse owners.

This sums it up perfectly.

countingto10 · 15/07/2023 18:14

I keep my pony at a riding school, they have a weight limit of 14st though in reality only one horse can cope with this (riding school horses can do a lot of work and it is unfair on them to carry top weight all the time). There is a set of scales that has been used a few times for people who may have underestimated their weight Hmm. Owner has no qualms about asking people to step on the scales as horse welfare is paramount and is made clear when booking.

Riders who are too big for their mounts is becoming a huge welfare issue, I think current research shows that a 15% limit is more realistic to prevent physical issues in the horse. Riding schools can control who rides their horses but pity the poor horse who has been sold on by someone not bothered too much about his welfare or even the horse who’s current owner has put on some timber and still continues to ride as “you go hun!”. There are some not very pretty pictures on social media and everyone’s afraid to stand up for the poor horse by saying it as it is.

Emotionalsupportviper · 15/07/2023 18:15

Dalekjastninerels · 15/07/2023 18:12

Mumsnet needs an edit button.

Show quote history

I think so, too.

heathspeedwell · 15/07/2023 18:22

You did the right thing. It's so upsetting to think those women might go and get another horse and force it to live in pain.

CityCommuter · 15/07/2023 18:23

Hi OP, you did absolutely the right thing... it would have been cruel for your pony to have accepted their weights as it sounds like they are both way too heavy to ride a Connemara. Even if their weight was bang on the limit I think it's still too heavy. I know from previous riding experience that it's preferable for the rider to weigh a good but under the maximum limit / load.

Tbh, they lied to you and sound quite nasty and they obviously have issues regarding their weight or facing up to the reality of their weight. They need to deal with that rather than deflecting and taking it out on you. Do not respond to any of their messages...

Missingmyusername · 15/07/2023 18:26

No. Hate seeing horses with people who are clearly too big say on them (usually abroad). I could never do that to a horse or any animal.

Maybe advertise the weight thing though, wasted journey /time otherwise. Plus avoids the embarrassing weight factor in person (unless they lie!).

missingeu · 15/07/2023 18:27

Surely as expereinced riders they would know about the weight thing. Think you've had a lucky escape.

I used to ride as child but know as an overweight adult it would NOT be fair or safe to the horse.

ttcat37 · 15/07/2023 18:28

You did the right thing and there’s no easy or nice way to say someone weighs too much. I hate seeing people clearly too heavy for a horse forcing it around, it’s very unfair. And I say that as a fat fucker.