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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I fat shame her?

333 replies

melonspritz · 15/07/2023 14:05

Just posting to ask for some perspective

I’ve been accused of fat shaming someone but I honestly don’t think I did

im currently looking for a full loan for one of my horses (a 15hh Connemara). She was our showjumping horse but we are moving up to something bigger so was looking for a full loan home for her to do some general riding club things. She’s a great pony, bombproof and has taken us up the levels so we owe her a lot. I left an advert in the local tack shop and was contacted fairly quickly by a lot of people and had to weed through people that were unsuitable. I was contacted by someone who was looking for a mother daughter loan share for her and her young adult daughter. She was previously a very experienced rider but had taken some time out and was now back and riding at a riding school and her daughter had been riding for a while too. They were looking for something to hack, do small jumps and spoil with cuddles and attention etc. all sounded perfect. I sent them all the details about the horse and offered for them to come out and have a lesson on her to try her out. I double checked before this and asked specifically if there were anything else I should know that may make them unsuitable for her (by this I meant that they weren’t happy with the price or were actually more novicey than they were making out) and they said no she was exactly what they wanted and they were riding horses like her at the riding school

they came out and they were far,far too big for her. I knew as soon as I saw them the mum that she was too big, and I wasn’t certain about her daughter so had to awkwardly mention it and ask what weight she was as I will not go over the weight rules for my horse. Her daughter was way over it too. I had to politely and very awkwardly explain that it wasn’t suitable and I was really sorry. They went absolutely wild, saying I had fat shamed them and that I was a nasty cow and had made her daughter cry and I should have let them try her. They were furious and I had to ask them to leave the yard. I then received a string of abusive angry messages and voice notes which I’ve completely ignored but I feel really hurt and upset by it all. Then to top it off they went onto Facebook and absolutely tore into me for fat shaming them and being nasty. They’re still bloody messaging me today going wild about it all because apparently I discriminated against them because of their size and I fat shamed them

I’m not going to mention weights or numbers so as not to cause any offense but they were absolutely way over what was ok for my horse and ultimately she’s my priority. I wasn’t offensive as far as I can see but I had to be honest and I tried to be polite about it

I suppose I should have checked their weight before I came out but they said they were experienced riders so I assumed they would know they were far too big for a 15hh Connie. And they said they were riding similar horses at the riding school, I’ve since found out they’ve been riding Clydesdales and large cobs.

there’s nothing else really I can do other than move on and ignore it but it’s still incredibly hurtful to be slagged off on social media. I’ve just taken some time out to ignore it but it’s still really upset me and they’re still bloody messaging me calling me a nasty bitch and saying I fat shamed them. I don’t know how else I should have handled it though. Am I going crazy or did I do nothing wrong?!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Elbowsandknees · 15/07/2023 16:57

They are absolutely batshit. I don't know much about horses but even I know that responsible riders don't ride horses they are too heavy for. A friend was told by her riding school how much weight she would need to lose to ride the next horse they could offer her in lessons. She just went about losing it!

They are just making themselves look crazy with their attempts to shame you. They sound completely unhinged.

YouJustDoYou · 15/07/2023 16:58

People (Gen Z) these days expect the world to absolutely revolve around them, no matter what. Fuck animal's comfort. Oh no, you stated facts that a poor animal can't take my huge debilitating weight! Waaa! Fuck that.

Malarandras · 15/07/2023 16:59

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. The health of your horse is paramount. Any real
horse people would know this so they clearly are not as horsey as they made out! They obviously do not care one bit about the health of any horse if this is their attitude. I suspect their reaction is a reflection of their own frustration at not being able to ride the horses they want to ride. But that is their problem not yours. Be proud of yourself of looking after your horse properly.

labamba007 · 15/07/2023 17:00

As someone who is on the larger side, you did absolutely nothing wrong! I also would've asked if there was a weight limit too. Please block them on social media, they sound awful!

HereToo · 15/07/2023 17:00

I mean clearly they are being unreasonable but why on earth haven't you blocked them?

I'll never understand people who moan about getting unwanted messages, but then refuse to block.

Dalekjastninerels · 15/07/2023 17:03

You were protecting your horse; if they weigh too much, then they weigh too much- this is a fact about the situation. You weren't fatshaming at all and I say this as a 5'6 Size 16.

No one can have everything they want and life isn't fair.

Cupofteaorcoffee · 15/07/2023 17:04

YANBU, definitely not!
The welfare and comfort of the horse comes first and you are 100% right to put this as a priority, absolutely! Anyone in their right mind will understand where you are coming from!

HamBone · 15/07/2023 17:07

I would response with @melonspritz ’s phrase- “The safety of my horse is paramount”- and then block them.

Defiantjazz · 15/07/2023 17:09

I then received a string of abusive angry messages and voice notes which I’ve completely ignored but I feel really hurt and upset by it all. Then to top it off they went onto Facebook and absolutely tore into me for fat shaming them and being nasty. They’re still bloody messaging me today going wild about it all because apparently I discriminated against them because of their size and I fat shamed them

They sound like nutters. Block them.

Baconisdelicious · 15/07/2023 17:09

I am a large person. I am not offended by this, OP.

Have you blocked them? Just block them. If you don't want to do that, ask them to stop harassing you with immediate effect or you will seek legal advice. If they then persist or somehow get round the blocking, get the legal advice and calmly follow it up. You are not in the wrong here.

ReliantRobyn · 15/07/2023 17:11

These fat heffers shouldn't be allowed to injure your horse just because they like second sittings at the local chippy.

Soapyspuds · 15/07/2023 17:13

Put the weight limit in the advert next time. Weeds out the unsuitable. However I think your actions were fine.

Dalekjastninerels · 15/07/2023 17:13

ReliantRobyn · 15/07/2023 17:11

These fat heffers shouldn't be allowed to injure your horse just because they like second sittings at the local chippy.

True about injuring the horse.

It is however spelled heifer.

Second sittings; we cannot be certain.

😎

Dalekjastninerels · 15/07/2023 17:14

Soapyspuds · 15/07/2023 17:13

Put the weight limit in the advert next time. Weeds out the unsuitable. However I think your actions were fine.

Yes, putting weight limit is a good idea.

Noisypeople · 15/07/2023 17:15

I would love to ride but I am too heavy, our local riding school has a weight limit which I am above. It is for the horses safety and that is that. YANBU

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 15/07/2023 17:17

YANBU.

It always baffles me when I see people who are way to big riding a horse way to small for their weight. It's cruel.

Lizzt2007 · 15/07/2023 17:18

Richvanilla · 15/07/2023 14:09

I know nothing about horses and didn't even know an adult horse would have a weight limit so to speak.

If that's the case then shouldn't it be common place when advertising a horse for sale/loan/whatever to specify the horses weight limit.

Again, I know nothing of the horsey world.

Riders experienced enough to be considering loans should know what weight limits apply, they shouldn't need telling.

applesandmares · 15/07/2023 17:23

I know nothing about horses but I'd have thought that this mother & daughter would hold horse welfare as paramount, considering they clearly appreciate them and want one or their own?! It's not 'fat shaming' to say that for the safety of this animal only people under X weight can ride it. They have weight restrictions on waterslides etc are the waterslides fat shaming them too 😂

RuperttheBearHug · 15/07/2023 17:25

I loaned a Connie TB X years ago and I kept saying to owner “I think I might be too heavy for her.” She was a very high withered 15hh so pretty teeny. Owner was a friend and going away for a year and knew I would love her pony like my own so think she looked the other way in kindness. I regretted it so much. Felt way too big for her every time I got on, couldn’t really do much or get going as it was obvious she was uncomfy at times so I very sadly had to give her back to her family.

If I had a 15hh Connie I wouldn’t be putting anyone over 10.5 stone on it I don’t think, depending on age, fitness and any history of injury.

You did the right thing ❤️

JanetandRita · 15/07/2023 17:26

I had to do this too OP and I felt terrible about it, as the wannabe loaner was so lovely. It never occurred to me to ask their weight before agreeing for them to come to meet my horse, as they came across as experienced and knowledgeable. I'd been honest about my horse's size and build in the advert.

She arrived and it was obvious that she wasn't going to be right for my horse, as he was slight for his size. It was just awful and I felt terrible. She was shocked but was so lovely about it, and later let me know that she had found a horse that was more suitable.

Youve done nothing wrong, you have to look after your horse's welfare. If they don't understand this they're not the right people to loan your horse.

Margorie · 15/07/2023 17:33

Fuck that, true horsey people know the guidance. They were playing on your manners and just hoping you wouldn't anything
100% on your side

hiding5675687 · 15/07/2023 17:34

Richvanilla · 15/07/2023 14:09

I know nothing about horses and didn't even know an adult horse would have a weight limit so to speak.

If that's the case then shouldn't it be common place when advertising a horse for sale/loan/whatever to specify the horses weight limit.

Again, I know nothing of the horsey world.

It would be obvious to any rider that a specific type of horse has a max rider weight. OP listed the breed and size of the horse. That should be enough unless the horse had any issues that required a very light or experienced rider.

The mother and daughter sound dreadful, not very experienced and not caring about horse welfare.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 15/07/2023 17:35

YANBU. If they're experienced enough to be looking at a full loan, they should know about weight limits and restrictions.

I ride (I'm very much a novice) and every single riding school I contacted about lessons had a weight limit - so IMO there's no way they wouldn't know about weight restrictions and horses.

backinthebox · 15/07/2023 17:41

While some breeds and types are stronger than others, the general (and very well known) rule of thumb in the horse world is that a horse should carry no more than 20% of it’s own body weight. That includes fully dressed rider and all tack. The horse should not be overweight - it is not acceptable to fatten a horse up so that it can carry more (although I do see some fat riders on fat horses.) I do a lot of riding where I use saddle bags and take a lot of water with me, and I am very cautious about the amount my horse carries.

To give a worked example. My daughter’s chunky 15hh Connemara x Vanner (gypsy cob) weighs about 500kg. 20% of that is 100kg, but his saddle and bridle weigh about 10kg together. So a rider (wearing coat, hat and boots) could weigh no more than 90kg. In the real world though, those are just numbers. I weigh more than my beanpole daughter, but less than 90kg by some way, but the horse still goes ‘oof!’ when I get on him. He is not fat-shaming me, he is just used to being ridden by a lighter rider. So when I was looking for a rider for him I stipulated a maximum weight of 70kg. I also did not want the horse getting used to a bigger rider who would use their weight to get him to do things, when my daughter does not have that weight and muscle, and must use polite requests to get her horse to cooperate with her.

At the end of the day, the owner gets to stipulate what the maximum weight they will permit on their horse is, and that is the end of that. Anyone who argues back is an idiot, and not someone you want anywhere near your horse anyway. What did they think being abusive was going to do? Suddenly get you to change your mind?

lljkk · 15/07/2023 17:47

They’re still bloody messaging me today

Why haven't you blocked them ... yesterday.

You may have said no numbers but I wanted some meaning... I read that a 15.0 horse is likely to be about 450kg, so the max weight they should carry is 90kg including saddle... is that right?

I guess that means that a lot of men at very healthy weight couldn't ride that horse either, so neither could especially tall women even if trim body size. You could text back "Not my fault you're undertall" and then block them.

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