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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to combine finances?

125 replies

TeaandTimelords · 14/07/2023 22:37

I’ve been with my DP for 6 years, we have a child together and are getting married next year. We have a house we own together. We’ve always split bills and outgoings 50/50, this is literally everything. If we go out and get something like a McDonald’s when we are out he will ask for me to send him half and adds it to a spreadsheet until I pay it.

When we first started dating and living together I was fine with this but as times gone on it’s really starting to bother me. It feels like we’re not a team or family unit and just two separate individuals that have a child together. He’s always made more money than me, it’s fluctuated so at times it’s only a few thousand more but now its at least 10 thousand more. It’s hard to tell because he’ll never tell me exactly how much he’s on or how much he gets paid a month. I’m on £38000 so by no means a bad wage and we both work full time.

we've spoken about it before with me saying I feel we should split things proportionally to our wages or combine our incomes and both get the same amount of spending money each month but he has always point blank refused and it descends into an argument and he makes it seem like I’m just after his money.

We we’re having a discussion today about him having a likely promotion at work which would mean he would earn £20000 more than me with really good prospects of progressing and getting more promotions and money in the future. I again brought up the fact that maybe if he’s on that much more we could change how we split things and he said if it meant he was worse off a month he wouldn’t take the new job. This just seems to me like such a selfish viewpoint especially with the cost of living and potential mortgage increases. I’m completely broke at the end of every month and have to be really careful with my spending at the moment to stop running up debts but he has loads of disposable income to enjoy and pretty much buys whatever he wants.

He’s an excellent father and in all other aspects a great partner, definitely does his equal share around the house and with the mental load but the money thing is just creating this resentment inside me that he is prioritising his spending over us being better off as a family.

I guess my AIBU is whether it’s wrong of me to want to change the way we do things. I know it would mean I would have a bit more each month and he has less which I guess from his view is a bit selfish but I think if we combined things better we would have better savings and be more comfortable over all. Is that wrong?

OP posts:
GeraltsBathtub · 14/07/2023 22:43

I don’t think I could marry someone who was petty enough to put something minor like a McDonald’s in his spreadsheet to bill me for later and was happy to see me struggling to make ends meet while he had plenty of cash.
I earn a lot more than DP and we have had combined finances since we moved in together because we are a family unit. We spilt the inputs proportionally so that we both have equal access to money to spend on our personal interests etc and we trust each other with our spending.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/07/2023 22:46

Nothing about this is okay. Nothing.

Splitting the cost of a burger out is so fantastically awful he’s not a great partner at all. It’s not just money. He’s mean, refuses to communicate properly and has to date managed to bully you in to going along with it by being horrible when you bring it up.

You’re the person he’s supposed to love and care for more than anyone in the world, the woman he chose as the mother of his child, and he’s hoarding cash while you’re skint every month.

He’s not a nice man. You deserve so much better.

I’m interested in why he’d even contemplate marriage given his attitude to sharing assets.

ProudThrilledHappy · 14/07/2023 22:49

Crikey, please don’t marry a man who lets you carry his child but bills you for a big mac!

hettie · 14/07/2023 22:53

Nahh he's not an excellent father sorry... Excellent father's realise that committing to raising kids together means committing to a fair and equal partnership on every level. If not either you or your kid or both are missing out on family/shared resources that he gets to spend on hobbies/tech/whatever he fancies. if your DC are restricted to what you can afford in a 50 50 split even thought DP earns more it will restrict opportunities to clubs/sports/tutoring/ dental treatment/ etc etc....So nahh not a great dad .

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 14/07/2023 22:55

Yanbu. Sounds bloody awful. I'd ve setting up my own spreadsheet to rival the pedantry.. if I could ve arsed with the energy required to tackle such a low level of relational skill.
Surely you deserve better?

hoophoophooray · 14/07/2023 22:57

He is mean. My DH definitely has his faults, but money wise we have one account. Everything goes in, we pay the bills and save some and then we both have full access to whatever is left. We've done that through maternity leave x 3, post natal breakdown and 15 months of unemployment for me and then starting a new business for him.

Mean man, not a good father.

EVHead · 14/07/2023 22:58

Under no circumstances marry this man. He’s a cunt.

TheInterceptor · 14/07/2023 22:58

I can't believe you had a child with someone that bills you for your half of a McDonald's. So unattractive.

Newmumatlast · 14/07/2023 22:59

TeaandTimelords · 14/07/2023 22:37

I’ve been with my DP for 6 years, we have a child together and are getting married next year. We have a house we own together. We’ve always split bills and outgoings 50/50, this is literally everything. If we go out and get something like a McDonald’s when we are out he will ask for me to send him half and adds it to a spreadsheet until I pay it.

When we first started dating and living together I was fine with this but as times gone on it’s really starting to bother me. It feels like we’re not a team or family unit and just two separate individuals that have a child together. He’s always made more money than me, it’s fluctuated so at times it’s only a few thousand more but now its at least 10 thousand more. It’s hard to tell because he’ll never tell me exactly how much he’s on or how much he gets paid a month. I’m on £38000 so by no means a bad wage and we both work full time.

we've spoken about it before with me saying I feel we should split things proportionally to our wages or combine our incomes and both get the same amount of spending money each month but he has always point blank refused and it descends into an argument and he makes it seem like I’m just after his money.

We we’re having a discussion today about him having a likely promotion at work which would mean he would earn £20000 more than me with really good prospects of progressing and getting more promotions and money in the future. I again brought up the fact that maybe if he’s on that much more we could change how we split things and he said if it meant he was worse off a month he wouldn’t take the new job. This just seems to me like such a selfish viewpoint especially with the cost of living and potential mortgage increases. I’m completely broke at the end of every month and have to be really careful with my spending at the moment to stop running up debts but he has loads of disposable income to enjoy and pretty much buys whatever he wants.

He’s an excellent father and in all other aspects a great partner, definitely does his equal share around the house and with the mental load but the money thing is just creating this resentment inside me that he is prioritising his spending over us being better off as a family.

I guess my AIBU is whether it’s wrong of me to want to change the way we do things. I know it would mean I would have a bit more each month and he has less which I guess from his view is a bit selfish but I think if we combined things better we would have better savings and be more comfortable over all. Is that wrong?

I wouldnt bother marrying him and would rethink the relationship tbh. You'd probably get more in maintenance if he earns much more.

I out earn my husband by a lot. I love him so I dont want him to scrimp when I earn well. We pay proportionate to income and then I also pay for things like holidays, kids clothing/bigger expenses and treats too. To me, that's fair and if you truly care about someone why would you want them to be worse off.

It also doesn't make sense... if he only wants to go 50/50 and you earn less, he won't be able to do anything joint living to his means and same his child. Thinking in extremes is he really going to forego, and have his child forego, holidays to Disneyland florida and instead have a wet weekend in Tenby because you can't pay half? Would he live in a 1 bed flat forever instead of a 6 bed country home because you can't pay half? Really?

bellsbuss · 14/07/2023 23:00

I could not marry someone so mean , DH is so kind and never begrudges me a penny. I have been a SAHM for 24 years and in the early years they were times we didn't have a lot of spare cash but he has always put mine and the children's needs before his own despite being the only wage earner. I could not be with someone who puts half a mcds on a spreadsheet.

bevelino · 14/07/2023 23:00

ProudThrilledHappy · 14/07/2023 22:49

Crikey, please don’t marry a man who lets you carry his child but bills you for a big mac!

Absolutely this

Jk987 · 14/07/2023 23:02

A spreadsheet....?

Runningonjammiedodgers · 14/07/2023 23:02

My vagina would shrivel up as soon as I was asked for half of the macdonalds 🤢

Yanbu. I would open a joint account and pay % into it that reflects the difference in income.

Amazongirl9 · 14/07/2023 23:05

I know couples have different ways of splitting finances, but this is just totally mean and stingy. A spreadsheet for a MacDonalds is totally ridiculous.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 14/07/2023 23:08

If he bills you for half a MacDonald’s, I trust you billed him for half of your maternity leave including pension contributions? And all (I do mean ALL) childcare, household admin and wife work is split 50/50?

If so, then I’d consider not joining finances.

If you can get over this enough to marry him, does he expect finances to change after marriage or will this continue?

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 14/07/2023 23:20

We've shared money since before we were married with kids. Everything goes in one joint account, regardless of who is earning more, everything comes out of the same account and we both have the freedom to sensibly spend what we want when we want. If one person gets a promotion or pay rise we view it as the family unit get a pay rise.

Original poster
TeaandTimelords · 14/07/2023 23:25

Thanks for all your replies, it’s making me see the light a little bit. I’d always assumed it was normal to split things equally and used to take pride in “paying my way” and then it just gradually got to where we are now

I think he would honestly forgo things like nicer holidays or bigger houses so that it remains an equal split. I was lucky on maternity that I got 6 months full pay and went back after that so it was never an issue that got raised.

I've tried being equally pedantic and just got tired of doing it because it felt wrong. I do now consciously dont buy things for the house because I realised I would never ask him for half though. My dad gave us £5000 for our wedding and now Im wondering if I should have insisted that was a gift for me and he would have to match it rather than putting it in the communal pot. And then I feel awful for having thoughts like that because it’s so selfish but why am I happy letting him do it?!

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/07/2023 23:28

He sounds horrible. Please don’t marry him. You’d be better off on your own, and claiming maintenance for your son.

Also, I hope he at least insists that all housework, childcare, life admin etc is split completely 50:50? Because that’s only fair if money contribution has to be the same.

Viviennemary · 14/07/2023 23:30

He just doesnt see why he should share his money. You are both on a fairly decent income so I dont know why he is being so petty over small amounts. If he isnt going to change you will either have to put up with it or end the relationship.

Weedoormatnomore · 14/07/2023 23:31

Why didn't you ask to change it sooner ? Most people if they are doing a completely joint account do it from the start not years down.the line after having a child. Or when the partner starts earning more.

Hankunamatata · 14/07/2023 23:32

I just couldn't be with someone like that ffs spreadsheet. Does he never splurge or treat you and visa versa

Original poster
TeaandTimelords · 14/07/2023 23:33

Weedoormatnomore · 14/07/2023 23:31

Why didn't you ask to change it sooner ? Most people if they are doing a completely joint account do it from the start not years down.the line after having a child. Or when the partner starts earning more.

I have asked, I started asking when we started talking about having a baby but hes refused. I love him and at the time thought it was something I could put up with but it’s getting more and more difficult to not resent him.

Housework, admin and childcare and definitely split 50/50. If anything he does a bit more housework because he works from home more.

After our son I left my previous job because it involved shifts and having a job with normal hours was better for the family. I didn’t take a pay cut but it definitely limited the progression opportunities

OP posts:
orangegato · 14/07/2023 23:34

You literally birth his child and he’d invoice you for a Big Mac meal. He can get to fuck, what a weird specimen.

You need to split more than your finances.

Original poster
TeaandTimelords · 14/07/2023 23:35

Hankunamatata · 14/07/2023 23:32

I just couldn't be with someone like that ffs spreadsheet. Does he never splurge or treat you and visa versa

No, there’s a set amount for birthdays and Christmas we both have. The only thing he’s every splurged on would be my engagement ring I guess

God writing it down like this makes it seem so awful and petty and I can’t work out why I’ve lived with it

OP posts:
Noicant · 14/07/2023 23:35

I don’t think he’s going to change OP. He very much doesn’t see you as a family unit. Happy to take your dads gift though huh.