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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to combine finances?

125 replies

TeaandTimelords · 14/07/2023 22:37

I’ve been with my DP for 6 years, we have a child together and are getting married next year. We have a house we own together. We’ve always split bills and outgoings 50/50, this is literally everything. If we go out and get something like a McDonald’s when we are out he will ask for me to send him half and adds it to a spreadsheet until I pay it.

When we first started dating and living together I was fine with this but as times gone on it’s really starting to bother me. It feels like we’re not a team or family unit and just two separate individuals that have a child together. He’s always made more money than me, it’s fluctuated so at times it’s only a few thousand more but now its at least 10 thousand more. It’s hard to tell because he’ll never tell me exactly how much he’s on or how much he gets paid a month. I’m on £38000 so by no means a bad wage and we both work full time.

we've spoken about it before with me saying I feel we should split things proportionally to our wages or combine our incomes and both get the same amount of spending money each month but he has always point blank refused and it descends into an argument and he makes it seem like I’m just after his money.

We we’re having a discussion today about him having a likely promotion at work which would mean he would earn £20000 more than me with really good prospects of progressing and getting more promotions and money in the future. I again brought up the fact that maybe if he’s on that much more we could change how we split things and he said if it meant he was worse off a month he wouldn’t take the new job. This just seems to me like such a selfish viewpoint especially with the cost of living and potential mortgage increases. I’m completely broke at the end of every month and have to be really careful with my spending at the moment to stop running up debts but he has loads of disposable income to enjoy and pretty much buys whatever he wants.

He’s an excellent father and in all other aspects a great partner, definitely does his equal share around the house and with the mental load but the money thing is just creating this resentment inside me that he is prioritising his spending over us being better off as a family.

I guess my AIBU is whether it’s wrong of me to want to change the way we do things. I know it would mean I would have a bit more each month and he has less which I guess from his view is a bit selfish but I think if we combined things better we would have better savings and be more comfortable over all. Is that wrong?

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 15/07/2023 06:39

Cakeandcardio · 15/07/2023 04:53

If you aren't married yet, it isn't too late to say you've been thinking and that your dad's gift is just for you and he would need to contribute 5,000 himself.
He's not a good dad or partner. He's a nasty tight arse.

Definitely do this.

Oomph · 15/07/2023 06:43

Why don’t you show him this thread?

Billybagpuss · 15/07/2023 06:47

Do you ask for his contribution to everything you pay out for your dc or are you paying more.
also you sacrificed progression for the family, what has he sacrificed or how has he compensated for that.

by asking these questions I’m only asking re his definition of equity. He is still a dick and I couldn’t be with someone that petty. Most families this far into a relationship join finances.

HuntingoftheSnark · 15/07/2023 06:50

My ex was exactly like this. It was before everything was online based, so he would collect supermarket receipts and go down each item, writing by the side how much he expected me to eat/use and then ask for the total. I remember one day, as he carefully considered the proportion of 50p worth of tomatoes I would consume, saying "but I bought the shopping last week and didn't ask for anything from you!" He maintained that was my choice and he'd be happy to refund me.

It didn't end well. He also maintained that it was my choice to have a child, didn't pay a penny towards her and hasn't seen her for 20 years. Your DP sounds infinitely better in terms of affection but I'd still be very wary. I think PPs suggestions of outright refusal to commit to anything beyond the basics, short showers etc might indicate to him that this isn't sustainable. I think my ex would have suffered for the sake of his ever increasing bank balance though.

Babsexxx · 15/07/2023 06:54

No it’s not ok it’s financial abuse! And this would be too much of a dealbreaker for me.

Phineyj · 15/07/2023 07:01

Imagine how awful retiring with such a person would be.

Think very seriously about that before getting married.

Hijinks75 · 15/07/2023 07:07

I struggle to understand relationships where people have their own money and share bills etc, we have a joint account and the money is ours, we both spend it as we need, no halving bills etc, I know that practice is common but I truly don’t understand it, as for asking for half the money for a McDonald’s and a spreadsheet to keep track, seriously think about what you are doing before marrying.

PaigeMatthews · 15/07/2023 07:12

TeaandTimelords · 14/07/2023 23:35

No, there’s a set amount for birthdays and Christmas we both have. The only thing he’s every splurged on would be my engagement ring I guess

God writing it down like this makes it seem so awful and petty and I can’t work out why I’ve lived with it

Show quote history

Me neither.

i absolutely bet you have paid more of the costs of raising the baby. What about clubs / soft play / anything during your maternity leave? And did you go back after 6 months because that's when full pay ended because you knew he wouldnt increase his contribution?

stop thibking of him as an excellent father. He has told you he will take a pay cut if he is expected to pay a penny more than you to support his child.

Bonbontutu · 15/07/2023 07:55

I'd raise it one more time and see if you have any success. Do a spreadsheet first to work out what your proportional contribution should be based on both your salaries. You can discuss this together and agree on things he thinks should be on there. Like savings.. then the rest is split as personal money.

You should be saving half of the agreed savings in an account under your name. He won't be continuing to hoard in his account. If that means your contribution to the joint expenses is nothing at all then so be it.

You are a team, with shared assets and a child. He is thinking only of himself. I would also be questioning if there's an issue he's not sharing. Gambling, lying about income, secret debt... I'd ask to see a copy of his recent bank statements.

If it's still a no, then I would go with two options.

Start contributing only your proportional share of the household bills. Accept this might end in you splitting up. You will need some money to start again in any case.

Play the long game and marry him and take half of everything in time.

Honestly I don't know why you have accepted this. You are working and contributing a significant amount of money each month.

ShanghaiDiva · 15/07/2023 07:59

He is not an excellent father. He prioritises his financial well being over that of the family unit.

Whataretheodds · 15/07/2023 08:00

Is the wedding arranged?

Does he not realise that getting married will pool your finances?

3BSHKATS · 15/07/2023 08:04

Whataretheodds · 15/07/2023 08:00

Is the wedding arranged?

Does he not realise that getting married will pool your finances?

It doesn’t in the way it might of in the past.
Unless he agrees otherwise you get what you put in, which is why he’s documenting everything on the spreedsheet.

The house will be 50/50 along with any other assets.

MyTruthIsOut · 15/07/2023 08:06

Oh God OP - this is awful!

Me and my DH have been married for ten years (together for 3 years prior to that) and we had separate finances until we had our first baby.

Prior to that, the only spreadsheet we had was the one that covered the wedding expenses so we could be sure we were each contributing 50% to the costs.

My DH brings home twice the amount that I do but we have always had a joint account and we each have the same amount of ‘fun money’ each month. He would never see me have less just because he earns more.

What you said about McDonalds absolutely horrified me.

He sounds like a very, very mean man. I don’t know how anyone can find someone who is so obsessed with money and so selfish, to be attractive.

If I was you I would just walk away because things are only going to get worse when he gets his promotion, he will get meaner and more miserly and you will always feel like you aren’t his priority. His money will always come first.

Do not legally tie yourself to this man because you deserve so much more.

Quarterofanonion1 · 15/07/2023 08:07

How horrible! What a horrible, horrible person. No, he's not an excellent father because he's letting the mother of his child struggle. Disgusting.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 15/07/2023 08:13

Another one with vagina-shrivel over here. I can't imagine, say, stopping at a services and him adding your coffee and £32.87 for your half of the petrol to a spreadsheet.

DH and I have separate accounts but I'm PT so he pays about 75% of bills and we have roughly the same "fun" money. I use the child benefit to get most stuff for DS.

romdowa · 15/07/2023 08:17

If you marry this guy you will live a life of utter misery and your child will suffer. Run an estimate of his wages into the cms calculator and you'll be surprised to see how much better off you'll be. Imagine having to tell your child you can't afford school trips etc while he hoards money.

Peony654 · 15/07/2023 08:22

It makes me sad you even have to ask this. I really hope you haven’t made any career / financial sacrifices in order to care for your child. We split all expenses equally but we earn equally. We have agreed that we’ll pool all money when I go on maternity leave next year

KatyN · 15/07/2023 08:30

Being compassionate (I'm struggling), why does he want his own money? Does he think he deserves more than you because he works harder? Does he need more than you to wine and dine clients at work? Does he have more expensive hobbies?

We have a spreadsheet, my vagina has not dried up for the concept.

I find the expectation to be 'generous' and 'not tight' hard to understand because that only works when you are flush. When you are managing a budget a unexpected meal out does need to be managed.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 15/07/2023 08:43

KatyN · 15/07/2023 08:30

We have a spreadsheet, my vagina has not dried up for the concept.

I find the expectation to be 'generous' and 'not tight' hard to understand because that only works when you are flush. When you are managing a budget a unexpected meal out does need to be managed.

We're talking about someone who would deliberately not earn £20k more than the OP so he doesn't have to pay for her Big Mac. 😂

3BSHKATS · 15/07/2023 08:51

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 15/07/2023 08:43

We're talking about someone who would deliberately not earn £20k more than the OP so he doesn't have to pay for her Big Mac. 😂

Show quote history

It’s not just a big Mac that she wants though is it. She wants him to fund a better lifestyle for all three of them.

Perhaps if she did sit him down and explain that if he put 75% into the mortgage, then if anything happened, that’s what he would leave with because again it will be documented.

Maybe if she signed something to that affect he might be a bit more willing ?
But then of course that has consequences for you OP in the short-term, you’re living better, but in the long term he is collecting assets whilst you’re not and no doubt you’ll be whingeing that’s not fair as well.

There is no suggestion that the OP is given anything up for them to have this child, a side of a body, which we all know is of no value whatsoever to men, they can rent a womb now if they want to.

So this is equality in 2023.

GrumpyPanda · 15/07/2023 08:57

Can you simply transfer your 5000 back to your own account for starters?

OhDoh · 15/07/2023 09:05

If my partner ever told me I owed him half the cost of McDonald's Id be fuming. We combine all money and have the same 'spends' a month. He earns 15k more than me but he didn't care as we are one unit/family. We started this literally the day we found out I was pregnant but tbh had already sort of started combining when we bought the house the year before.

Ariela · 15/07/2023 09:08

You have compromised your earnings by having a child and moving to a job with less prospects that's better for said child/family life. His earnings have not been compromised. Therefore the extra he earns should compensate for the lower amount you earn.

xyz111 · 15/07/2023 09:08

My DH and I both have our own accounts we get paid in to, and then have a joint one that we put in to every month. He puts in slightly more as he earns more. All the bills, food etc then comes out of that, and the rest of our money is personal for whatever we want to spend it on

KarmaStar · 15/07/2023 09:09

He's as tight as a drum and selfish to boot.
I would be leaving him.

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