To want to combine finances?

[TeaandTimelords]

I’ve been with my DP for 6 years, we have a child together and are getting married next year. We have a house we own together. We’ve always split bills and outgoings 50/50, this is literally everything. If we go out and get something like a McDonald’s when we are out he will ask for me to send him half and adds it to a spreadsheet until I pay it.

When we first started dating and living together I was fine with this but as times gone on it’s really starting to bother me. It feels like we’re not a team or family unit and just two separate individuals that have a child together. He’s always made more money than me, it’s fluctuated so at times it’s only a few thousand more but now its at least 10 thousand more. It’s hard to tell because he’ll never tell me exactly how much he’s on or how much he gets paid a month. I’m on £38000 so by no means a bad wage and we both work full time.

we've spoken about it before with me saying I feel we should split things proportionally to our wages or combine our incomes and both get the same amount of spending money each month but he has always point blank refused and it descends into an argument and he makes it seem like I’m just after his money.

We we’re having a discussion today about him having a likely promotion at work which would mean he would earn £20000 more than me with really good prospects of progressing and getting more promotions and money in the future. I again brought up the fact that maybe if he’s on that much more we could change how we split things and he said if it meant he was worse off a month he wouldn’t take the new job. This just seems to me like such a selfish viewpoint especially with the cost of living and potential mortgage increases. I’m completely broke at the end of every month and have to be really careful with my spending at the moment to stop running up debts but he has loads of disposable income to enjoy and pretty much buys whatever he wants.

He’s an excellent father and in all other aspects a great partner, definitely does his equal share around the house and with the mental load but the money thing is just creating this resentment inside me that he is prioritising his spending over us being better off as a family.

I guess my AIBU is whether it’s wrong of me to want to change the way we do things. I know it would mean I would have a bit more each month and he has less which I guess from his view is a bit selfish but I think if we combined things better we would have better savings and be more comfortable over all. Is that wrong?

So you asked him to split the money with you before you had a child he said no and you went on to have a child anyway, presumably he is pulling his way around the house.
Why should he split his money with you?

Just playing devils advocate here I’ve got daughters and sons.

I can’t imagine my son being that pedantic over a big Mac, but overall he does have a point. If you want to another 20 grand, there’s nothing stopping you.

He’s tight and mean.

You don’t have to have a joint account, but both of your financial contributions to the household should be proportionate to what you both earn.

I can’t imagine my DP asking me to send him money to pay for half of anything, much less a burger. One of us would just pay the whole bill. DP pays for more as he is the higher earner.

You and your kids are going without because he’s so mean. It’s crazy that he would avoid moving onto a better paid job just to spite you and his own children. I feel sorry for you and your kids. Do not marry him.

OP this is beyond insane. What kind of man shares his DNA with you to create a child, but can't share his bank account?!!! I can't believe people like this actually exist. So extremely unattractive. You can't marry him,

From day 1 of our relationship, once serious, it was our money. When we met I was earning and he was in college, when we had kids I was out of work for 5 years. We're both pretty even now but I can't imagine how much is resent someone counting their pennies spent on me.

You have to have this pooled together mindset to get through thick and thin together.

If we go out and get something like a McDonald’s when we are out he will ask for me to send him half and adds it to a spreadsheet until I pay it.

It is absolutely fucking insane that you ever went along with this lunacy.

This man will never, ever change.

I'd be insisting that the £5000 was entirely mine if that's his attitude.

Marry him, and if he doesn't improve, divorce him and take half his hoarded savings.

Selfish disgusting man.

Show him this thread.

Next time you go out to eat together or something, refuse to go in and say 'actually I can't afford it'. Then go home, leaving him there alone

What happened during maternity leave OP (although I think I can guess...)? Did he still make you meet 50% of payments then?

Morally it's dubious, but for the sake of being able to provide an equitable life for your son in both parent's new homes when you do inevitably split, you should probably go ahead with the marriage so you have a claim on the squirrelled hoard he has only been able to amass through your partnership/joint enterprise.

For some context OP, I earn about 5 times what my fiancée does and we split our household bills and mortgage payments 50/50 solely because that's the way she wants it to be. I've asked her repeatedly to split expenses proportional to our incomes, but she doesn't want to. She says a similar thing about wanting to pay her way.

However, it's nowhere close to a 50/50 split of outgoings overall because I pay for all groceries, takeaways, meals out, holidays, car payments, insurance etc. She's fine with these other expenses being handled quietly and not itemised.

Your partner sounds selfish and uncaring.

He's not an excellent father. He's a miser and a stinge. Billing you for half of a Big Mac is appalling. How joyless!

He doesn't want a marriage he wants 2 separate people who just happen to live together. DH and I both have our own bank accounts and we pay across an equal amount to the joint every month. It works because we earn roughly the same. DH always insists on paying if we go out for a meal or even an ice cream. He never lets me pay. I have just told him your fiance pays when you go out for a McD and then pits it in a spreadsheet until you pay your half. He was just almost speech less then said he enjoys spending his money on me because he loves me and thinks you probably could do better. Do you get child benefits for your child? If his salary gets too high do not agree to not claim it. Make him pay higher taxes. Do not marry this man. He won't make you happy. Does your Dad know how mean he is with his money? Do you realise if you broke up you'd probably be better off.

@caringcarer yeah I also told my husband and he was also speechless, then just said 'completely crazy'

Are all expenses genuinely equally split? Or are you also taking more of the burden of the costs associated with your child?

What would happen if you went back to shift work? How would the difficulties that would create get sorted out?

Have you suggested moving to a smaller house?

The situation sounds like a nightmare frankly - I can't imagine loving someone and then watching them struggle every month, but that is what your partner claims to feel and is doing. I can understand not wanting to take on More Stress and then feel personally less well off than he is currently. If the entire thing isn't irrecoverable (which it feels like it might be) what about if he agreed to split the net of the payrise 50:50? I'm still not sure I'm comfortable with the level of financial vulnerability you would be experiencing and maybe it would be better not to suggest it from that POV but that option would appear to knock out his various arguments whether fair or not.

Hey can you share the excel template he uses to track your share of the McDonalds meal? 😁

Jokes aside I would not get married to not to talk of have children with someone so tight selfish.

If you aren't married yet, it isn't too late to say you've been thinking and that your dad's gift is just for you and he would need to contribute 5,000 himself.
He's not a good dad or partner. He's a nasty tight arse.

Marry this tight fisted fucker and your life will be nothing but a misery.

He is not a great father. A great father does not sit on his hoards of money while invoicing his childs mum for a big mac.

Men like him don't change. He will be a miser until the day he dies. Get out now!!

Also interesting that he was happy to take 5 grand off your dad. So he doesn't mind taking other peoples hard earned. It's just his own he wants to hoard.

Does your dad know the man his daughter is marrying splits the cost of their fast food with her? Because if you were my daughter I would be telling you to cancel the wedding asap!

I've typically earned significantly (2-10x) more than DW during our marriage, although there have also been a couple of times over the years when I've not been working so we've relied on DW's wages alone. We also agreed after our second child that DW would stop working for an extended period, so over the last 30 odd years I have contributed massively more household income than DW.
We have a simple philosophy - all money is household money. We do this by having one joint account into which all money goes, and a joint credit card account. We will discuss and agree any large purchases but don't police each others personal spending at all. This also has a benefit in that the one thing we never argue about is finances.
So yes - I think your partner is completely unreasonable and personally I couldn't operate in such an uneven financial scenario (either way). You might also want to point out to him that in the event of divorce the default starting point is a 50/50 split of all assets, and see what his response is.
Good luck OP, but I wouldn't go into a serious relationship or marriage without ensuring that we agreed on something as fundamental as money.

If you’re seeing these issues now and can’t agree with each other on something as fundamental as how you both handle finances then I’m afraid that marriage is not your best next move.
My DH and I have never combined finances aside from Mortgage account, but we just kind of ensure that things are fair and muddle through.

His attitude is so unattractive; he just sounds tight and he’s not generous to you. Don’t marry someone who won’t buy you a McDonald’s occasionally without asking for half the money!

Loving the equating of attraction and finances in some posts.

Just sit down and work out an actual budget based on proportion of income. That way, you can both maintain financial independence whilst sharing the load in a fair and manageable way.

My first husband was like this. He earned a lot more than me, and by the time I’d paid my 50% contribution each month, I was practically skint, but he still had loads left. He would prefer not to go out, rather than help me with the cost. I used to borrow petrol money off my Dad (who was mystified I needed his help). And on the odd occasion that DH decided to help me out, this was a loan and was also recorded until I’d repaid him in full. It’s no way to live.

We split before having a child, thankfully, but he often made comments about how I should work out how to meet my half of household costs if going on maternity leave. He genuinely didn’t get it,

I’m completely broke at the end of every month and have to be really careful with my spending at the moment to stop running up debts but he has loads of disposable income to enjoy and pretty much buys whatever he wants.

Is he aware of this?

These are not the actions of a loving man.
As they say, actions speaks louder then words.

Everything split 50/50. Sounds fair to me on the surface. The problem is, he doesn't want to spend money on certain things. What does he do with his excess money BTW?