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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to combine finances?

125 replies

TeaandTimelords · 14/07/2023 22:37

I’ve been with my DP for 6 years, we have a child together and are getting married next year. We have a house we own together. We’ve always split bills and outgoings 50/50, this is literally everything. If we go out and get something like a McDonald’s when we are out he will ask for me to send him half and adds it to a spreadsheet until I pay it.

When we first started dating and living together I was fine with this but as times gone on it’s really starting to bother me. It feels like we’re not a team or family unit and just two separate individuals that have a child together. He’s always made more money than me, it’s fluctuated so at times it’s only a few thousand more but now its at least 10 thousand more. It’s hard to tell because he’ll never tell me exactly how much he’s on or how much he gets paid a month. I’m on £38000 so by no means a bad wage and we both work full time.

we've spoken about it before with me saying I feel we should split things proportionally to our wages or combine our incomes and both get the same amount of spending money each month but he has always point blank refused and it descends into an argument and he makes it seem like I’m just after his money.

We we’re having a discussion today about him having a likely promotion at work which would mean he would earn £20000 more than me with really good prospects of progressing and getting more promotions and money in the future. I again brought up the fact that maybe if he’s on that much more we could change how we split things and he said if it meant he was worse off a month he wouldn’t take the new job. This just seems to me like such a selfish viewpoint especially with the cost of living and potential mortgage increases. I’m completely broke at the end of every month and have to be really careful with my spending at the moment to stop running up debts but he has loads of disposable income to enjoy and pretty much buys whatever he wants.

He’s an excellent father and in all other aspects a great partner, definitely does his equal share around the house and with the mental load but the money thing is just creating this resentment inside me that he is prioritising his spending over us being better off as a family.

I guess my AIBU is whether it’s wrong of me to want to change the way we do things. I know it would mean I would have a bit more each month and he has less which I guess from his view is a bit selfish but I think if we combined things better we would have better savings and be more comfortable over all. Is that wrong?

OP posts:
BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 15/07/2023 09:17

If I was you I would just walk away because things are only going to get worse when he gets his promotion

He’s willing to pass up promotions to prevent his family from benefiting from any extra money.

Heatherbell1978 · 15/07/2023 09:20

The correct way to split finances should be that both your salaries go into one (joint) account which all the household bills are debited from and you agree a set amount each month you both have for discretionary personal spend and set that up as a monthly standing order to your personal accounts. DH earns more than me but I manage all the money and bills. I do 'run' a spreadsheet but it's for bigger stuff than splitting McDonalds. I'm cringing at what I'm reading.

Aw273 · 15/07/2023 09:26

Looking at it another way, I’m struggling to see how you can be running up debts on a pretty reasonable wage of £38k if sharing all the bills? Maybe you’re not very good at budgeting, and this is your partner’s way of avoiding any more debt?

MyTruthIsOut · 15/07/2023 09:26

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 15/07/2023 09:17

If I was you I would just walk away because things are only going to get worse when he gets his promotion

He’s willing to pass up promotions to prevent his family from benefiting from any extra money.

My guess is that he said that as a form of emotional blackmail or control.

I think he will either get OP to back down on her wish for more equality so that he can have his promotion OR he will enjoy blaming her for the rest of their relationship about how she is responsible for him not being able to be promoted.

Even if pigs fly and he does agree to more equality in terms of paying bills etc following a promotion I imagine he will spend a lot of time constantly making passive aggressive comments about it to OP about how she is making him less well-off and how he can’t afford to buy ‘x’ because he’s now being made to contribute more etc. She will spend her days being made to listen to his digs and complaints and also spend her days being made to feel guilty and that is no way to live.

There is no good outcome here for the OP.

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 15/07/2023 09:29

Peony654 · 15/07/2023 08:22

It makes me sad you even have to ask this. I really hope you haven’t made any career / financial sacrifices in order to care for your child. We split all expenses equally but we earn equally. We have agreed that we’ll pool all money when I go on maternity leave next year

OP has made career/financial sacrifices. RTFT.

OP - My DP paid me my full salary during the unpaid months of my Maternity Leave (twice), so I wouldn’t lose out financially for bearing our DC.

You can have a better future if you want it.

I can’t get anyone over having to transfer money to their “D”P for a family meal out at McDonalds.

Maray1967 · 15/07/2023 09:36

bellsbuss · 14/07/2023 23:00

I could not marry someone so mean , DH is so kind and never begrudges me a penny. I have been a SAHM for 24 years and in the early years they were times we didn't have a lot of spare cash but he has always put mine and the children's needs before his own despite being the only wage earner. I could not be with someone who puts half a mcds on a spreadsheet.

Agreed. It’s rare that I’m speechless but I am now. Unbelievable.

OP, my DH earns £20k more than I do. We pay equally into a joint account for mortgage and bills but he pays for food and meals out and other bits - I estimate about £1k a month. We have roughly equal money left each month for saving and spending.

There is no way I could be with a man like yours. No way.

Miajk · 15/07/2023 10:26

ProudThrilledHappy · 14/07/2023 22:49

Crikey, please don’t marry a man who lets you carry his child but bills you for a big mac!

This.

He's selfish, tight, not generous - why on earth would you marry him? Dump him while you can

SnackSizeRaisin · 15/07/2023 10:41

Spreadsheet sounds ridiculous and I couldn't live like that.

But I don't see why you're skint after paying half the bills on a 38k salary. It sounds like you're living outside your means. If you're not married I wouldn't pool finances either. If one earns significantly more then that person can pay for more meals and holidays etc

MrsSquirrel · 15/07/2023 10:54

If you’re seeing these issues now and can’t agree with each other on something as fundamental as how you both handle finances then I’m afraid that marriage is not your best next move.

^This

If my DP were unhappy about our financial setup, I would want to talk it over and come to some compromise that we could both be happy with. He knows you are unhappy, but he doesn't care. He cares more about his money than your feelings. Do not marry him.

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/07/2023 11:01

I’m not a fan of shared finances and would never pool income with a partner…

But billing the mother of your child for half a hamburger is breathtakingly mean and tight.

Don’t marry him. Leave him.

ManchesterLu · 15/07/2023 11:06

I couldn't live with someone who had that kind of attitude towards money. The best thing to do (which is what DP and I do) is to have a joint account, where we put x% of our salary each month (so if he's earning more than you, he'll add a little). That covers bills, money for things for the kids, and should also be enough for the odd meal out/takeaway etc. We also try to have a little bit extra in there, so we can plan a holiday or weekend away every so often when enough builds up. Then, whatever money you have left is your spends for the month. It might take a bit of trial and error to work out how much you put in, but you'll get there.

Maryamlouise · 15/07/2023 11:30

Also don't think having not much left on £38k is that awful - I earn that and with our mortgage, other (energy, CT, internet, car, insurance) bills, food and if I had to pay full time childcare I would have maybe £50 left and not if I needed to fill up with petrol more than once a month

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 15/07/2023 11:40

*I can’t get over anyone having to…

3BSHKATS · 15/07/2023 11:41

Maryamlouise · 15/07/2023 11:30

Also don't think having not much left on £38k is that awful - I earn that and with our mortgage, other (energy, CT, internet, car, insurance) bills, food and if I had to pay full time childcare I would have maybe £50 left and not if I needed to fill up with petrol more than once a month

No youd be paying half of childcare.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 15/07/2023 11:43

The cost of surrogacy is £20,000 to £80,000+ - so he owes you at least half of that, plus the money he fleeced off your father. Present him with a bill for £50,000 for his share of the pregnancy & birth labour and the six months of childcare when you were on mat leave before you leave the creepy mean man. Fairs fair right, he doesnt get to keep the money from his labour while you have to share yours with him. Actually Id marry him first, and take then half when you leave, because thats the only he'll ever pay his fair share- if hes forced to.

Luxell934 · 15/07/2023 11:47

He is never going to change unfortunately. You’d probably be better off marrying him though, as then you will at-least end up with half of everything!

Cosyblankets · 15/07/2023 11:58

What happens over the cost of things for your child?

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 15/07/2023 11:59

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 15/07/2023 11:43

The cost of surrogacy is £20,000 to £80,000+ - so he owes you at least half of that, plus the money he fleeced off your father. Present him with a bill for £50,000 for his share of the pregnancy & birth labour and the six months of childcare when you were on mat leave before you leave the creepy mean man. Fairs fair right, he doesnt get to keep the money from his labour while you have to share yours with him. Actually Id marry him first, and take then half when you leave, because thats the only he'll ever pay his fair share- if hes forced to.

@LightlySearedontheRealityGrill is spot on.

Actually, I would play the long game. You’ve invested just as much into your relationship than he has and you already have DC with him, so I would marry him to ensure you get 50% when you divorce. You’ve surprisingly lasted this long. Next year is only around the corner. He’s such a miser, you’re bound to end up losing much more if you end the relationship now.

And tell him he needs to cough up his 5k to match your Father’s contribution to your wedding.

wutheringkites · 15/07/2023 12:00

People in long term relationships, especially with kids, should be offering each other some security.

What would happen if one of you lost your job and are unemployed for a bit? What if one of you developed a long term illness?

Pre-child, we used to split everything as you do but once I was pregnant, that stopped immediately. Sometimes I earn more, sometimes he does. We don't use spreadsheets or a joint account but we both feel the benefit of the other person's success.

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 15/07/2023 12:00

*as he has

MandUs · 15/07/2023 12:01

Why oh why would you have a baby with a man who hates you so much?

lilila · 15/07/2023 12:03

we have separate financrs(not married but DC)
we split the bills evenly,and DC expenses such as bus, lunch card..these get counted up and split evenly..it can take him a while to pay sometimes but he will eventually.

we shop separately, although I tend to buy more house products/things for DC including birthday and Xmas presents (we earn about the same)

I have started to split the money I transfer to DCs bank account for treats/outings..he did query one of these amounts and that he wasn't previously told of it (it was £20)..it just seems easier for me to pay (sorry to hijack!)

ThereIsOnlyOne · 15/07/2023 12:14

You say Housework, admin and childcare and definitely split 50/50. If anything he does a bit more housework because he works from home more. but what about paying for childcare - does he pay half of it?

Blossomtoes · 15/07/2023 12:16

This is so breathtakingly wrong. We’ve always had separate finances and in 25 years we’ve each earned more than the other at different times. Although we don’t pool our money we do regard it as shared and paying for stuff is on a swings and roundabouts basis.

If I were you @TeaandTimelords I’d take my £5k and use it to leave. He’ll only get worse when you’re married and worse again as he gets older.

LighthouseCat · 15/07/2023 12:18

These kinds of threads are so common on MN. It's thoroughly depressing. I'm sorry OP but if he can't see what he's doing, he's not really a keeper is he? Your resentment of the situation will just grow unless he can be persuaded to see how his behaviour is v self-centred and unfair (and a form of systemic sexism). My DH earns more than me but everything goes into a joint account. After all living costs and putting some aside into joint savings, we have an equal amount of 'fun money' each. I have a better pension arrangement and of course that will be shared too when the time comes.