To want to combine finances?

[TeaandTimelords]

I’ve been with my DP for 6 years, we have a child together and are getting married next year. We have a house we own together. We’ve always split bills and outgoings 50/50, this is literally everything. If we go out and get something like a McDonald’s when we are out he will ask for me to send him half and adds it to a spreadsheet until I pay it.

When we first started dating and living together I was fine with this but as times gone on it’s really starting to bother me. It feels like we’re not a team or family unit and just two separate individuals that have a child together. He’s always made more money than me, it’s fluctuated so at times it’s only a few thousand more but now its at least 10 thousand more. It’s hard to tell because he’ll never tell me exactly how much he’s on or how much he gets paid a month. I’m on £38000 so by no means a bad wage and we both work full time.

we've spoken about it before with me saying I feel we should split things proportionally to our wages or combine our incomes and both get the same amount of spending money each month but he has always point blank refused and it descends into an argument and he makes it seem like I’m just after his money.

We we’re having a discussion today about him having a likely promotion at work which would mean he would earn £20000 more than me with really good prospects of progressing and getting more promotions and money in the future. I again brought up the fact that maybe if he’s on that much more we could change how we split things and he said if it meant he was worse off a month he wouldn’t take the new job. This just seems to me like such a selfish viewpoint especially with the cost of living and potential mortgage increases. I’m completely broke at the end of every month and have to be really careful with my spending at the moment to stop running up debts but he has loads of disposable income to enjoy and pretty much buys whatever he wants.

He’s an excellent father and in all other aspects a great partner, definitely does his equal share around the house and with the mental load but the money thing is just creating this resentment inside me that he is prioritising his spending over us being better off as a family.

I guess my AIBU is whether it’s wrong of me to want to change the way we do things. I know it would mean I would have a bit more each month and he has less which I guess from his view is a bit selfish but I think if we combined things better we would have better savings and be more comfortable over all. Is that wrong?

Ime a person mean with money is also mean in other areas of life: always totting up favours, or reluctant to lend, share or put themselves out at all. Invariably they are happy to take, though.

I can’t imagine being with a life partner who was more like a stingy flatmate. As a pp observed, how on earth could you, er, have any action with someone who had billed you half of your McD’s? Passion killer, totally.

I remember a night out after work and the boss paid for cocktails. We were joined by a woman’s dh who walked in and immediately pointed at his dw’s drink and said, “How much did that cost?” I was horrified. (Btw they were very well off - but even if they weren’t what a miserable, rude killjoy.)

If you lost your job, would he financial support you until you found a new one?

If you inherited some money or won the lottery, would he expect to benefit from it?

If the answers to this are No and then Yes, then you should get rid of this man.

I would ask him, why, as you are a family, it's ok for you to have a lower standard of living than him. That normal families have family money shared between partners. His response will tell you everything you need to know.

We have 2 kids and separate money. We pay 50/50 on the bills despite a reasonably big difference in incomes. When we go out it's usually whoever suggested it pays. Usually me because I'm the one that likes to go out more so I suggest it more often. Billing your partner for half a McDonald's is just bizarre

He put half the price of a Mcdonalds on a spreadsheet??

There are no words....

Our finances have always been pooled. When the children were small I was a SAHM. Not much money but we coped. Went back to work as they got older, full time by the time they were 10and 12. Even then he earned 3 times my salary but we pooled our salaries and all went into joint account. No question of his vs mine. Now retired, his pension is twice mine but still all is pooled.....

6 years together and you’re sending him half the money for a McDonalds? I couldn’t be with such a selfish mean individual. It’s too late for the advice not to have a child with this man, I would keep chipping away at a fair split though, it’s no normal for a couple to be this pedantic.

I would ignore the advice not to marry this man and be getting married as soon as you can seeing as you already have a child. He will leave you high and dry.

You are with a mean man.

Quite happy for YOU to compromise your career as he counts his money.

How you can find such a man attractive is beyond me.

I certainly wouldn't have more children with him.

You are not a team.

Meanness goes to the core of someone's character.

It is who they are and with their every thought.....how to maximise THEIR advantage.

Not someone I would want to waste my life on.

You deserve better.

My DH earns almost ten times more than I do and he asks me before spending anything on himself because it's not his money, it's ours. I think this is pretty normal with married people.

I don’t think that’s normal either. Most couples have some money that’s exclusively theirs to spend exactly how they choose. I think your relationship is very odd in the other direction.

It actually makes me chuckle the amount of protection some people think they have from marriage. The judge will go through the Form E and allocate the money back to where it came from.

Sharing finances isn't for everyone, we don't and we aren't married either. Deed of trust in place to protect our respective shares of the house.

However, what you describe is completely insane. My DP picked up more bills when I was on maternity leave, I picked up more bills when he was studying / lost his job. That's normal.

I cannot imagine being so mean and stingy. He can shove his spreadsheet up his arse.

If the marriage is an absolute sham, all you really doing is wasting the father’s money

We don't share finances and we're married. We put money into our joint account for the bills and the rest of our own money we keep. It seems to be the MN way to share all money.

Fu*k that! No good will come of a relationship like this.

Some people are funny with money. It's fine if he doesn't want to join finances but you're right. It needs to be done fairly. It's not fair if he's earning 10x more than you and still splitting everything. It should be proportionate to what you're both earning. What a miser!

He needs to understand that splitting finances this way means the whole family has the life style of the lower earner. I know you said that he would forgo a bigger house and nice holidays - but what about things your DC needs? Would he be happy to compromise on that?

and I second advice to play him at his own game - I hope you have your own spreadsheet and bill him for 50% of absolutely everything to do with you DC - soft play, hot chocolate at a cafe, an ice cream when you’re out.

if that doesn’t work to change his mind I think you need to consider LTB. It’s no way to live and he has made it clear he’s happy for him to have a better life than you - you deserve better than this.

Jesus Christ. Don't marry this Scrooge.

Move on and find someone kinder and more generous.

You put your dad's 5K into a communal account???

Get it out ASAP. Return it to your father. Cancel wedding and start working on your plan for independence.

How much equity is in the house?

No, that’s not normal.

Sorry but i don't think that's normal.
As long as whoever is doing the spending is still able to contribute their fair share to the bills they should be free to buy whatever they like. No way would i be asking my husband and he wouldn't ask me. Joint purchase for the house fair enough but not something for ourselves

@Cosyblankets

It is actually fairly normal, done more out of politeness.

Do you rent or own jointly?

How is it impolite to spend your own money? My husband would think I'd gone bonkers if i asked his permission to buy myself a jacket or a bottle of perfume.

The way you are doing it would be ok if you were both students with v little money (just!)
You are adults with a child...how can he not see that this is just wrong??
I couldn't be with someone this mean