To think personal hygiene caused this

[Iloveburgerswaymorethanishould]

So say someone has developed a HUGE inward abscess on their bottom, really close to their sphincter. Been to hospital etc, it needs to soften before then can lance/drain. Said person showers after work, never at weekends… however for the last 5 weeks they have been out of work whilst waiting for site progression (they can’t do their job until other jobs are completed etc), so have only showered if they are attending something. So let’s say out of 5 weeks of not working I estimate 2 showers…. (Yup grim).
Now they have this anal abscess and the fluid leaking out literally smells of Faeces. They are saying it’s NOTHING to do with personal hygiene, I think it really is. HELP!!’

I have to hand it to you op. Your replies are very good natured and you aren't getting riled up like many would. I hope your dh's health issue gets sorted soon and he sorts out his hygiene for your sake

I’d want them seen at the ER asap!!!

Op must be a saint in fairness, by virtue of this issue alone.

This is what sprung to mind...

What? You just said you did!!

"They are saying it’s NOTHING to do with personal hygiene, I think it really is."

You should get a job writing for The Sun!!

When you spend almost 20 years seeing various Consultants, who prod and poke you (including a trip to the STI clinic), ask you how often you wash, do you use soap etc, it does tend to make you defensive. That’s how long it took to get a proper diagnosis, it was a vulval dermatologist that took one look and immediately knew what this was called.

It controls my life, the clothes I wear and whether I can sit down or have to lie down.

Thats why I and so many other sufferers with Hidradenitis Supprativa are defensive.

I agree with those recommending salt baths. When I had an abscess, I was told to take a salt bath twice a day. I feel very decadent taking a bath in the day, so it was lovely to have an excuse. (I also understand your love of a Dettol bath.)

I know of someone who had a similar absess and it was from an ingrown hair after a routine of hair waxing. That person was showering every day. (I have heard of other infections from hair waxing - does it encourage ingrown hairs??)
She was told that scrubbing and washing and drying when suffering ingrown hairs is helpful.

Drying the area affected by absess too was important when they were recovering after the lancing. I imagine that if the area were not kept clean the chances of the absess becoming furthur infected could be an issue??

Not a medico, just remembering a cousin's problem from ten years ago.

@nunsflipflop exactly. It makes me feel dirty even though logically I know I'm not
I feel like I have to explain before sex with someone new what my scarring is and when I go for smears
When my armpit abscess wouldn't close I was left with an open wound for 9 months until I asked the consultant if he would walk round with a hole in his armpit for that long
I shower every single day with soap even down to washing in between every toe!

One doctor was lecturing me on smoking on the way to theatre. Eventually I snapped and pointed out I had quit 6 months ago and this was the worst flare I ever had, my mum never smoked and she also had it so could he shut up

Sorry 'abscess' and the salt bath - yes, that was also in her recovery routine. As a share house student with her I remember the salt.

The abscess and the poor hygiene are two separate issues. Why are shaming the poor guy for his abscess symptoms?

It could be infected or a fistula. We've already had umpteen posters confirming that scrupulously clean people get them too.

If it's weeping he needs to wash frequently to ensure the infection doesn't spread. I suffer boils a lot and hygiene is so important to stop the spread. Daily shower with surgical scrub if they are bad, fresh towel (I use a wash cloth to dry the area), absorbent dressing changed 2-3 times a day.

Once he is over the abcese it is worth discussing what you are going to do going forward. Showering twice in five weeks is gross and you should not have to live with someone like that.

I have some weird skin issues and clean and moisturised definitely helps. I don't always know what triggers it though, and I don't think that part is a hygiene thing. Anything you can say to up the washing can't be bad, if you can avoid it being a blame thing.

I'm glad you've found workarounds with sheets etc, I think it's important to try and meet things halfway sometimes.

Little changes, not all at once.

As everyone else has already said, not washing hasn't CAUSED this but from experience, not washing IS causing the smell to be worse than it should be and he needs to keep the area as clean as possible to avoid infections and help healing. They are awful things to deal with and even after surgery the recovery can take more than a year so best he gets it dealt with ASAP.

I feel for you because I have smelled one and it horrendous and that was only when DS hadn't showered for 2 days as he'd been so ill so I can't even imagine 5 weeks!

OP, please keep us updated if you take DH to A&E

This sounds very traumatic for all concerned 😥

This was my thought. I have dealt with a lot of abscesses in my job and the smell can be utterly rank but faecal makes me think fistula rather than abscess tbh. I would phone again and suggest fistula.

If its literally leaking feaces not pus then it sound more like the exit abscess of an anal fissure... certainly not due to showering, no one showers inside their rectum.

@JeandeServiette

The abscess and the poor hygiene are two separate issues. Why are shaming the poor guy for his abscess symptoms?

They are two separate issues yes but there’s no “poor guy” about someone who refuses to maintain a baseline level of hygiene. No one is shaming him for the abscess, we are shaming him for metaphorically saying fuck you to his wife about her feelings and considerations.

At a most basic level he is demonstrating through his actions that he doesn’t respect his wife enough to consider the impact of this on her life.

The OP is being very calm and levelheaded about this but it’s clear she hoped this would give her a justification to ask him to give her this respect. Because he won’t listen to her otherwise.

The abscess is almost a side issue here. This is someone whose marriage is so awful their partner couldn’t care less if their presence is physically sickening to them. That’s the real issue here.

OP with sympathy you need to leave.

It wouldn't be caused by poor hygiene n that can't help with the healing process and surely the area should be kept clean.

You have to micromanage his hygiene?

@pillsthrillsandbellyache I don't think she's micromanaging his hygiene. She says he doesn't shower for weeks at a time, anyone would notice and be disgusted by that.

I micromanage all aspects of his hygiene as much as I can.

OP wrote this @blahblahblah1654 . It's hard work being so responsible for another person. I think they have a child too, what are they learning watching this dynamic? So unhealthy.