DH is going to find out about my CC debt isn’t he.

[Blueskyfordays]

PLEASE, PLEASE not a pile on.

I have £4K of CC debt, tbh I have no idea how I’ve even accumulated it over the years but here we are. Minimum payments are £150 a month, I pay off £200-£250 a month but it has a fairly high interest rate (about £80 a month interest charges) husband doesn’t know, we have separate bank accounts with my wages going into mine and his going into his. I just transfer him money for mortgage and bills.

I have never been on our mortgage, mainly because DH can easily afford the mortgage himself and this house was his before we married. We married a couple of years ago.

Mortgage now up for renewal, he said a couple of months ago he wanted to put me on the mortgage. I didn’t say anything, hoping he’d forget/ change his mind.

This morning, the new provider that he’s gone to a quote for rang him and he said he wanted to put his wife on the mortgage too and I had to give some details, name, DOB, job title, current salary etc.

Between us we earn £98k and we would be looking to take out a mortgage of £240,000.

The man on the phone thanked him for the details and said someone will be in touch.

Will they ask/ tell him about the debt? 😭😭 I know people will say I should have told him/ should tell him but I pay it every month, I’ve never missed a payment, it comes out of my wage and if I was spending £200 a month on clothes and shoes (I don’t!) I wouldn’t tell him, so long as I could afford it.

I was just hoping to get it all paid off in the next 2-3 years with him being none the wiser 😞

One of his things*

I don’t know if it’s been mentioned - getting the balance transferred over to a 0% balance is obviously a good idea but I WOULDNT apply for that now while you’re going though the mortgage application it’ll damage your credit rating. Approach husband and explain the options, and that you’ve found a 0% card

youll likely still get the mortgage on the condition that the card is paid off which it sounds like you can afford to do.

grand scheme of things this is not unfixable.

But your relationship needs work with communication.

Some people just value trust and honesty. £4000 debt is a lot to somebody who does not like debt. I’m assuming DH was upfront before marriage about how much he

replied too soon…. Some people just value trust and honesty. £4000 debt is a lot to somebody who does not like debt (mortgage is viewed differently as it gives you a basic need security). I’m assuming DH was upfront before marriage about how much he really dislikes debt. If my OH lied about debt I really couldn’t trust them - it shakes the core and is hard to recover from. Can’t believe there are so many people on here minimising the debt and condoning dishonesty. If it was an agreed decision to go into debt, fine, but this wasn’t. It all started on the shaky foundations of a lie. Sorry for the pile on PP but I don’t thinks it’s helpful when people condone dishonesty.

Because they're married. If she doesnt pay it and gets into difficulties then it impacts him.

I'm sorry but its astounding me how comments on this thread are going. I really think people would be commenting differently if it were the husband keeping debt from his wife.

And there is so much reaching going on. OP has said how she got into debt and she had even bigger debt before.

I wonder if DH isn't as strict about money as OP interprets it given she is clearly not strict at all. If people have very different opinions from one another about money, they can interpret each other's behaviour in the extreme.

They're married, so while it's always a good idea to make a will, marriage means that everything would pass to the OP if her husband dies intestate. Yet another reason to get married if you are financially vulnerable.

I know the sensible thing is to tell him. Explain it was your wedding drsss etc. however another option is to ask your parents if you can borrow to pay it off, then pay them the amount you were paying per month. Won’t take more than 2 years. Or…. Contact the provider, explain situation an d they may be able to put in on the affordability calculator without alerting your DD (my friend did this).

I’ve been on the other side of this and we nearly split up over it, my now wife’s finances were a mess when we got together, she gradually told me about the situation and together we worked on paying it off. I earnt more than her so I was using all my spare money to pay more of the bills so she could pay off her debt and going without myself.

I found out a few years later from reading a credit card statement she left in the house that after we had cleared her debt she then got into another 9k of credit card debt and didn’t tell me, the payments were manageable at this point as we both earnt a lot more, but I hit the roof. It was the lies that hurt the most, we were engaged and owned a house together and I was so close to breaking up with her. I think until you’ve been on the other side of this you don’t really understand how betrayed you feel and all the trust just goes.

OP I would be honest with your husband, apologise for hiding this and come up with a plan together, because if he finds out, and it’s very likely he will as you’re applying for a mortgage together it will be 10 times worse.

Our relationship has recovered now, but I have to be honest there’s still a part of me that struggles to fully trust her with money. Honesty is the best policy here, don’t keep lying.

@Newmumatlast I wonder if DH isn't as strict about money as OP interprets it given she is clearly not strict at all. If people have very different opinions from one another about money, they can interpret each other's behaviour in the extreme.

Yes good point, he clearly lets her manage her monthly cash flow totally as she wishes.

'if I was spending £200 a month on clothes and shoes (I don’t!) I wouldn’t tell him, so long as I could afford it... I also fear him constantly wanting to know every single thing I spend/ buy in the future (I guess I’d deserve that to be fair)' (OP)

If you have a laissez-faire approach to money, you might not like (roughly) itemised budgeting. That was me early in my marriage, but over time I saw it as personal growth. It's not beneficial to just paint any man as financially controlling because he gives a shit about money management and you don't.

I would say I'm quite happy to regularly "waste" money for convenience / due to lack of research / not giving a shit, to my DH's chagrin. But it boggles my mind how you can just happily set a few hundred quid on fire every month, for years, and your debt stays essentially the same. So yes I think OP might have an emotive/reactive approach to £££ affairs and she may interpret any attempt to help her manage better as "controlling". Just a possibility?

If you can't face having a conversation with him, OP, could you write him an honest letter saying everything that you want him to hear, then send it and wait for a chance to talk things through after he has read and digested it? At any rate, even if you choose to speak to him directly, I think you should first write down clearly the points you want to get across, including the apologies and promises you need to make, so that you have a 'script' in your head when you speak to him. It will feel like a relief once he knows, as being deceitful is so stressful, even if he is judgmental at first. Good luck!

Oh OP- I’m so sad to read this :( You’ve done nothing- NOTHING- wrong. It’s manageable for you, there is no inherent shame in borrowing on a credit card. If the threat for something like this is so severe, he is the issue, a thousand times over. Feeling this way in your relationship is not normal and you do not deserve it and you should expect so much more.
xxxx

Oh OP, you’ve got yourself in a state about this and it’s really not such a big deal. 💐

£4K isn’t a huge amount of debt, and as you’re paying it off regularly, your credit score will be fine. Please tell your husband and if he can help you find a better interest rate, all the better.

My American husband had $20K of student debt when we married over 20 years ago-that’s about $37K in 2023 terms- because university is so expensive in the States.

Don’t over-think this, just tell him and you’ll deal with this together. And please get added to the mortgage and deeds, it’s a sensible idea.

Unless your parents pay it off I think you will need to be honest. I would imagine he will be more cross about this dishonesty and the interest when you have 80k in family savings than the debt. This leads to another question why does he have 80k savings when it seems like you have nothing? We pay off our cc each month, we only use them for the freebies. I know when DC got together with his fiancée she had some cc debt but it wasn’t much, they are both high earners and she paid it off. Honestly, 4K is neither here nor there, just fess up, but don’t wear a hair shirt!

You think it's ok to lie to your partner and that's 'nothing wrong'?

I think there's such a telling split on this thread. The people who are focussing on the amount of debt are shocked the OP is worried and are telling her it's all ok, and her DH shouldn't have a problem. The people who are focussing on the lying are not.

I think it's really obvious the OP is deeply upset by the amount of debt she got into, and she feels as if it caught her up unprepared. But I think it is wrong to pretend that her DH is the one at fault here. He isn't. He doesn't even know she's in debt, FFS.

Yes but it’s also worrying that OP doesn’t feel she can turn to her husband for advice on how to proceed. It seems very much like you still think of yourselves as individuals OP with separate finances but once you get married/have a child/buy a house you should be thinking as a family unit

@SarahAndQuack No, she shouldn’t have lied to her DH, but I find it concerning that she’s SO frightened to tell him the truth. No one should be so frightened of their partner.

I wasn’t ecstatic when my DH told me about his student debt (he didn’t lie about it, but he also didn’t volunteer the information). We talked it over and he eventually paid it off.

She’s frightened to tell him something that is a fairly normal part of life. The debt in the context of their family budget and savings is more than manageable. She’s said it herself; she couldn’t be honest with him because she feared his reaction. Of course she’s been lying. People who are frightened lie.

I had to divulge any debt when DH changed our mortgage over and I wasn't on the mortgage so I think you'll have to come clean.

DH paid mine off but you could add it on to the mortgage if DH agrees and then sit down and see where you're overspending and come up with a better household budget.

I managed to convert a 10k debt disaster into a loan and pay it off without my DH knowing. I was mortified it had happened and overjoyed when I paid it off.

Having credit card debt won't necessarily prevent you from getting a joint mortgage if you keep on top of payments and have a good enough credit score. A full credit check will need to be done at application stage.
It's best to be honest. The worst thing to do before applying for a mortgage is get new credit because that affects your credit score so it might not be wise to get another credit card at a lower interest rate as I think others have suggested.
Also I don't think you can go on the deeds if you're not on the mortgage.
The best thing really is to be honest and upfront with him, and sooner the better. Continuing to keep this secret is worse and it's a huge burden on you.

Absolutely this.

I'm more like DH. My husband had debt before we got together like OP. He sorted it out. I on the other hand have always been a saver whatever I have earned, even when in minimum wage roles. So we have always approached money by paying a percentage relevant to income into our joint account to cover bills then the remainder is our own. It saves scrutiny over personal spends. This worked well. Then I discovered he had hidden debt from me. I, like DH, have substantial savings. I offered to pay the debt. He said he wanted to sort it himself. In the end I paid the remaining lump. He knows if it happens again its over.

Am I financially controlling? No. He still has his own accounts and control of his own spending. But do I have large savings in my name? Yes. Because I approach money differently. Do I have spreadsheets I update almost daily to keep track of our shared and my own accounts? Yes. That isn't me being controlling. I'm financially astute. And it has worked as I have never been in debt beyond student loan, which is fully paid, and mortgage which I've over paid.

I'm not saying this as a I'm better than my DH point. I've made mistakes in our marriage too just different ones. But actually people are minimising this and demonising DH. If he were that financially controlling then she wouldn't have her own unmonitored accounts especially when he knows she had debt before but thinks it was paid off from a lump sum from her parents who clearly bailed her out.

And actually OP being worried about him kicking her out doesnt mean he's a monster too. It may be a legitimate fear because she's lied to him/omitted information that in my opinion you shouldn't in a marriage and its not the first time she's been in debt. Trust is going to be an issue and rightly so.

OP sorry to speak about you in the third person but really you need to be honest and give DH your plan for resolving this. He will probably he disappointed and mad... quite right too. But if he loves you he will make a way through it im sure. It may be your last chance though.

I wouldn’t apply for a new credit card as you are about to go on the mortgage, it will affect your credit rating. Do it straight after though.
4k on a cc shouldn’t affect the mortgage too much so don’t be stressing. I’m more concerned at your worry about telling dh and his attitude with money.

Sorry but I just can't imagine being married to someone where I felt I couldn't tell them the truth about my financial situation. If I felt so bad about having a debt, I don't think I would get involved with a man who hates debt. Or get together with a man who heartily disapproved of anything that was important to me. Because marriage should be a partnership of equals. Reading this thread makes me feel like I've fallen through a time warp back into the 1950s.

Seriously you need to tell him your situation. If he earns over £70, 000, your debt will be fairly insubstantial to him. He could easily pay it off.

It doesn't seem to be fashionable now but my parents shared all their money and had a joint bank account and my husband and are the same. It works for us.

And people saying she's frightened and people shouldn't be frightened of their partner... have I missed a post from OP about a history of violence or anything like that? Certainly not how I read the post. She seems free to spend without him monitoring it. Nothing to suggest he would be violent. The fear seems to be based on the potential that he might choose to leave her and then seek shared custody. How is that bad? If someone lies to you its up to you if you feel you can trust them enough to stay. And if you don't, and you have a child, why shouldn't you want to have them a fair split of the time?

I'm sorry i just dont see why OP is getting such an easy ride.

Yes but there are more ways of being abusive beyond violence