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Original poster

DH is going to find out about my CC debt isn’t he.

505 replies

Blueskyfordays · 14/07/2023 19:38

PLEASE, PLEASE not a pile on.

I have £4K of CC debt, tbh I have no idea how I’ve even accumulated it over the years but here we are. Minimum payments are £150 a month, I pay off £200-£250 a month but it has a fairly high interest rate (about £80 a month interest charges) husband doesn’t know, we have separate bank accounts with my wages going into mine and his going into his. I just transfer him money for mortgage and bills.

I have never been on our mortgage, mainly because DH can easily afford the mortgage himself and this house was his before we married. We married a couple of years ago.

Mortgage now up for renewal, he said a couple of months ago he wanted to put me on the mortgage. I didn’t say anything, hoping he’d forget/ change his mind.

This morning, the new provider that he’s gone to a quote for rang him and he said he wanted to put his wife on the mortgage too and I had to give some details, name, DOB, job title, current salary etc.

Between us we earn £98k and we would be looking to take out a mortgage of £240,000.

The man on the phone thanked him for the details and said someone will be in touch.

Will they ask/ tell him about the debt? 😭😭 I know people will say I should have told him/ should tell him but I pay it every month, I’ve never missed a payment, it comes out of my wage and if I was spending £200 a month on clothes and shoes (I don’t!) I wouldn’t tell him, so long as I could afford it.

I was just hoping to get it all paid off in the next 2-3 years with him being none the wiser 😞

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 14/07/2023 22:46

Bananagirl23 · 14/07/2023 22:45

Yes but there are more ways of being abusive beyond violence

And I have myself been subjected to psychological abuse so I get it. But where is the evidence of that?

Noicant · 14/07/2023 22:46

I think when you hide something for a long time knowing it’s something that upsets your spouse then it becomes a disproportionately large issue in your mind. If Dh despised smoking and I lied when we met and said I wasn’t a smoker, I’d be really worried about him finding out. Not because of the smoking but because of the lie. You then continue to lie whenever you talk about money or try to make sure you don’t let them see your bank statements etc. it’s the stress of dishonesty.

This guy is hardly poking his nose into OP’s affairs and volunteering to put her on the mortgage and deeds. Unless theres a massive drip feed and Op is being financially abused in some way.

CamCola · 14/07/2023 22:47

Hangonaminutethere · 14/07/2023 22:21

Oh OP- I’m so sad to read this :( You’ve done nothing- NOTHING- wrong. It’s manageable for you, there is no inherent shame in borrowing on a credit card. If the threat for something like this is so severe, he is the issue, a thousand times over. Feeling this way in your relationship is not normal and you do not deserve it and you should expect so much more.
xxxx

Show quote history

She’s lied to her husband for years? Of course she’s done something wrong!

AngelAurora · 14/07/2023 22:49

If he is making you this anxious, is controlling, why are you staying? You would be better on your own tbh.

readbooksdrinktea · 14/07/2023 22:49

CamCola · 14/07/2023 22:47

She’s lied to her husband for years? Of course she’s done something wrong!

Show quote history

This! Seriously, a husband hiding debt would be dragged on here. She should have been honest from the start.

Newmumatlast · 14/07/2023 22:49

Noicant · 14/07/2023 22:46

I think when you hide something for a long time knowing it’s something that upsets your spouse then it becomes a disproportionately large issue in your mind. If Dh despised smoking and I lied when we met and said I wasn’t a smoker, I’d be really worried about him finding out. Not because of the smoking but because of the lie. You then continue to lie whenever you talk about money or try to make sure you don’t let them see your bank statements etc. it’s the stress of dishonesty.

This guy is hardly poking his nose into OP’s affairs and volunteering to put her on the mortgage and deeds. Unless theres a massive drip feed and Op is being financially abused in some way.

Yes a huge drip feed. Because so far there's no evidence of any abuse or threat of abuse at all. Its all a reach. Being frightened someone will find out because you don't want the consequences in terms of losing your relationship is not the same as being frightened of abuse - physical or not.

noapologies · 14/07/2023 22:50

I would be furious.

It wouldn't be the £4k. It would be the fact that the OP had chucked £80 down the toilet each month rather than just have an honest conversation with me. Her husband can afford to pay it off, but she's chosen to bury her head in the sand and not tell him. And this has gone on forever.

I hate debt. (But I could have paid this off, thus removing the debt!) I hate deceit. I would be particularly unhappy at the OP not saying a word when going through the mortgage application, which is designed to make her more financially secure, not less.

I'm not sure there's a good way out of this, but there's a bad way, and the bad way is to continue lying.

OP, I think you need to sit down with your DH, explain the situation calmly and take it from there. You're married. He needs to pay this off, then you need to have a proper discussion about finances so you don't end up in a situation again where you are racking up debt. With the household income you have, it just doesn't make any sense.

HamBone · 14/07/2023 22:51

@Newmumatlast I don’t like debt either, but I can’t get worked up about £4K that’s being paid off every month. It’s not an uncontrolled gambling addiction that going to ruin their lives.

The OP’s made a mistake and she admits it. They clearly need to talk about their finances and be more open with each other. Unless there’s other problems in their marriage, they can sort this out and get past it.

Newmumatlast · 14/07/2023 22:52

HamBone · 14/07/2023 22:51

@Newmumatlast I don’t like debt either, but I can’t get worked up about £4K that’s being paid off every month. It’s not an uncontrolled gambling addiction that going to ruin their lives.

The OP’s made a mistake and she admits it. They clearly need to talk about their finances and be more open with each other. Unless there’s other problems in their marriage, they can sort this out and get past it.

But that's the point. She hasn't admitted it to him has she? Its not the sum. Its the lying/lying by omission and the time period.

CamCola · 14/07/2023 22:52

readbooksdrinktea · 14/07/2023 22:49

This! Seriously, a husband hiding debt would be dragged on here. She should have been honest from the start.

Show quote history

Exactly. I’d be livid if I found out my partner could lie to me for so long.

and she lied about the amount in the first place…

Also chucking £80 away every month in interest would also infuriate me. It’s a waste.

noapologies · 14/07/2023 22:53

HamBone · 14/07/2023 22:51

@Newmumatlast I don’t like debt either, but I can’t get worked up about £4K that’s being paid off every month. It’s not an uncontrolled gambling addiction that going to ruin their lives.

The OP’s made a mistake and she admits it. They clearly need to talk about their finances and be more open with each other. Unless there’s other problems in their marriage, they can sort this out and get past it.

She's paying a stupid amount of interest when the couple have plenty of joint savings. So, she's chosen to waste money.

She was also hoping to keep this a secret for another three years and then pretend it had never happened. It's not just deceit to this point, she had fully intended to keep lying.

It's the dishonesty that is far worse than the amount.

Newmumatlast · 14/07/2023 22:53

HamBone · 14/07/2023 22:51

@Newmumatlast I don’t like debt either, but I can’t get worked up about £4K that’s being paid off every month. It’s not an uncontrolled gambling addiction that going to ruin their lives.

The OP’s made a mistake and she admits it. They clearly need to talk about their finances and be more open with each other. Unless there’s other problems in their marriage, they can sort this out and get past it.

And my husband racked up more than that. We are still married. So I completely take your point. But its absolutely fair and valid for a partner in her DHs shoes to be livid they've been lied to.

Hyppogriff · 14/07/2023 22:53

You need to come clean

lilymani · 14/07/2023 22:54

I don't think she's frightened about her DH, though as someone who values financial planning, he is probably not going to be pleased.

She's frightened about money management – the prospect of having to sit down with him and go through her finances.

For her, money seems to be something better not looked closely at – rack up debt including on clothing, get my parents to help pay it off, just shut my eyes and pay the bloody extortionate interest each month, instead of looking for alternatives on my okay salary.

I can identify as that's my natural approach to things, but I have worked with my husband (whom I used to think of as a tightwad and financially controlling, but I can now admit he's actually just normal. I think DH's husband isn't that controlling as he actually has zero idea what she does with her money each month).

lilymani · 14/07/2023 22:57

I think there's such a telling split on this thread. The people who are focussing on the amount of debt are shocked the OP is worried and are telling her it's all ok, and her DH shouldn't have a problem. The people who are focussing on the lying are not.

I'm halfway in between 😂 I would be annoyed about the lying – but not because of honesty. Why would you be wasting so much monthly interest on such a small amount??? We could have figured something out together years ago if you were honest

Hibiscrubbed · 14/07/2023 22:58

Your fear of the bully you describe as great a husband and ‘amazing father’, is really horrible to see, OP.

HamBone · 14/07/2023 22:58

Newmumatlast · 14/07/2023 22:52

But that's the point. She hasn't admitted it to him has she? Its not the sum. Its the lying/lying by omission and the time period.

Show quote history

@Newmumatlast I didn’t know about my husband’s student debt until after we were married so I suppose he lied by omission. I was cross, of course, but we talked it over, worked out a payment plan and got it paid off.

He’s now extremely good with money, far better than me, tbh, keeps excellent accounts like you and has good investments. People can learn from their mistakes. But the OP has to tell her DH ASAP and get this sorted out.

toodlesofoodles · 14/07/2023 23:01

I moved 5k of cc debt to an 0% but even before that the interest was only about £20.

OP why haven't you been honest? Are you scared of his reaction? If not you're just hiding from your own debt when you could do something about it.

Newmumatlast · 14/07/2023 23:04

HamBone · 14/07/2023 22:58

@Newmumatlast I didn’t know about my husband’s student debt until after we were married so I suppose he lied by omission. I was cross, of course, but we talked it over, worked out a payment plan and got it paid off.

He’s now extremely good with money, far better than me, tbh, keeps excellent accounts like you and has good investments. People can learn from their mistakes. But the OP has to tell her DH ASAP and get this sorted out.

Show quote history

Yep agreed. The more it goes on, the more he will be justifiably mad when it does come out.

Lizzt2007 · 14/07/2023 23:24

LifeExperience · 14/07/2023 21:08

You are being financially abused. Yes, you've lied to him and that's bad, but any man who would divorce his wife over a 4K debt is not a good man.

It's not about the debt. It's about the lies. She's lied to him about her debt since before they were married. She's obviously crap with money, her parents bailed her out with £10k before she got married, she lied to dh that that was all her debt, she then spent more on her credit card increasing the debt that she'd told him she didn't have!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/07/2023 23:26

Blueskyfordays · 14/07/2023 19:48

No, I was there, the provider was on speaker phone. He didn’t ask that.

I’m going to have to tell him I don’t want to be on the mortgage. I don’t know what the hell im going to say to get out of it. He said the only reason he’s putting me on the mortgage is if he dies, they can’t just kick me out of the house. The last time it was up for renewal I had to sign a form to state I had no claim over the house. He didn’t want me to have to sign another one of those.

I said can he not just put me on the deeds but not the mortgage as k don’t have a good credit rating and be siad ‘well if your credit rating is an issue we just won’t go ahead with you on the mortgage but it’s a lot easier and less faff than trying to get you on the deeds’

He’s so controlling with money and debt is the worst thing in the world to him so I really, really don’t want him to find out.

You do sound scared of him.

I would never mortgage myself on a house that wasn't in my name. I'm assuming he pays it not you though?

You need a deed of trust that says if you split then you'll get x amount or it's owned in certain proportions.

You don't need to share the mortgage agreement to get the house if he dies - he can make a will. You'd also be entitled to some of the marital assets if you split if you're married, and if you're not married you may have a share in the property if you've been contributing money to mortgage payments

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/07/2023 23:27

How could you leave or kick out the mother of your baby over 4k. That's manageable to get rid of within a couple of years

Moredramathanrazzamatazz · 14/07/2023 23:32

I’m scared he’ll leave me or kick me out.

This is the problem, not 4K debt which is being paid off without incident, from your part of the £98K in salaries, after you meet your part of the bills. You should not be this worried about your husband finding out about what is, relatively, a small manageable debt. And is he making sure that you haven't suffered financially from being on maternity leave or taking on a lighter or part time role, in terms of pension contributions, investments etc.? It may be that your part of the bills is actually too high.

Tibbb · 14/07/2023 23:32

@Blueskyfordays I was in an almost identical situation a few years back Flowers I had no choice but to declare my credit card debt to the lender and to DH.

He was more angry about me having lied to him for so long than he was about the debt, which luckily we could quickly pay off. I felt so awful about having kept it from him Sad

You are going to have to come clean to DH. Are you scared of how he will react?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/07/2023 23:33

If he ends your knowledge because you bought your wedding dress in a credit card it's not a very solid marriage.

IF he's not abusive or violent I would just explain that. Say ' remember what a lovely dress I had- I actually had to borrow to buy that. I didn't mention at the time as it was a 'for me' splurge but I've struggled to pay it back, it's quite a lot but I've got a plan and it will be paid back in x months I just wanted to share as we're having mortgage chats.' Tell him it was just a bit embarrassing spending so much on a wedding dress is the only reason you didn't mention it and you haven't done it since and don't plan to and you promise no more credit cards. He'll probably be relieved it's only 4k if you big it up a bit at the start, if it was 40k that could impact your house buying but 4k won't