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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH is going to find out about my CC debt isn’t he.

505 replies

Blueskyfordays · 14/07/2023 19:38

PLEASE, PLEASE not a pile on.

I have £4K of CC debt, tbh I have no idea how I’ve even accumulated it over the years but here we are. Minimum payments are £150 a month, I pay off £200-£250 a month but it has a fairly high interest rate (about £80 a month interest charges) husband doesn’t know, we have separate bank accounts with my wages going into mine and his going into his. I just transfer him money for mortgage and bills.

I have never been on our mortgage, mainly because DH can easily afford the mortgage himself and this house was his before we married. We married a couple of years ago.

Mortgage now up for renewal, he said a couple of months ago he wanted to put me on the mortgage. I didn’t say anything, hoping he’d forget/ change his mind.

This morning, the new provider that he’s gone to a quote for rang him and he said he wanted to put his wife on the mortgage too and I had to give some details, name, DOB, job title, current salary etc.

Between us we earn £98k and we would be looking to take out a mortgage of £240,000.

The man on the phone thanked him for the details and said someone will be in touch.

Will they ask/ tell him about the debt? 😭😭 I know people will say I should have told him/ should tell him but I pay it every month, I’ve never missed a payment, it comes out of my wage and if I was spending £200 a month on clothes and shoes (I don’t!) I wouldn’t tell him, so long as I could afford it.

I was just hoping to get it all paid off in the next 2-3 years with him being none the wiser 😞

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 15/07/2023 23:41

JenWillsiam · 15/07/2023 20:17

Which he’s obviously agreed to. This is how they manage their money. And it’s fine to do that.

Show quote history

I don't think so? The first post says he wants them both to be on the mortgage - it sounds as if he wants to go joint on things and she doesn't want to in case he finds out about her debt.

I don't think it is fine at all for one partner to lie to the other, or conceal things about finances. Separate money is a different issue from lying.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 16/07/2023 00:17

OP - you say he’s a good man and a good husband.

I think you’re building this up in your mind. And I also think when (not if) he finds out, it would be far better that it come from you, rather than as a result of forms being filled out for a mortgage application.

Wishing you all the best.

WildUnchartedWaters · 16/07/2023 00:30

lilymani · 15/07/2023 22:41

Does hating men make you lose literacy or what?

"The OP says he hates spending money" - Where did you see that? I don't.

I do see her saying he's "controlling" with money but in the same breath says her parents were shit with money and she's shit with money (not to pile on but that's quite obvious)... So I wonder if basic financial planning to her is controlling?

"and questions every purchase" - ? don't see that.

I do see, in FUTURE tense re if he found out about the debt: "I also fear him constantly wanting to know every single thing I spend/ buy in the future (I guess I’d deserve that to be fair)" which yes, I think most people would for someone who got into debt twice, including for fashion

"Quite often in circumstances like this, it turns out that the lower earner is paying 50/50 or close to that amount for joint expenses" - "he pays the majority of the mortgage and bills"

To me it really sounds like OP just has no idea about money, and is blaming him a bit out of avoidance/fear/etc. Really I imagine he's thinking of life ruining sums of debt when he says he hates debt though. Lots of people say they hate debt. And he's not going to split up the family over 4 bloody k! If anything he'll probably be more irritated by the extortionate interest she's been paying every month when she could easily have moved it to a 0%!

Show quote history

This

Jumpingthruhoops · 16/07/2023 00:30

So, if I've understood this correctly... You're married. You're reluctant to be named on your mortgage. You haven't told your DH about a 4k CC bill. And you openly admit that 'if I was spending £200 a month on clothes and shoes (I don’t!) I wouldn’t tell him.'

With the greatest of respect, OP, your credit card bill sounds like the least of your problems...

changeme4this · 16/07/2023 01:33

They look at the limit not the debt (as long as it’s below limit). Just say you have a cc for emergencies and what limit is.

Billyhero · 16/07/2023 06:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SeahorsesRock · 16/07/2023 06:59

My husband was in debt when we married we worked hard as a team to pay it off. I found out by chance a few weeks ago he had racked up another 3k on credit. I was and still am gutted by the fact he hid this from me. I feel utterly betrayed. Just tell him and stop lying by omission because lack of trust is far worse for a relationship than any debt.

ElizaAgainn · 16/07/2023 07:26

Another one who is thinking £4k isn't much in the grand scheme of things and something to get rid of, rather than lose that amount of money each month to interest charges. £80 a month is a noticeable amount to be going on absolutely nothing. He's looking out for your welfare to have you put on the mortgage as well - and I'd say that's a pretty caring thing to do imo.

Gracewithoutend · 16/07/2023 07:45

BarbaraofSeville · 15/07/2023 21:27

Why are you saying he's an unpleasant person? She says he's a good man and a great husband. He's putting her on the mortgage to share the house that he will have paid the most into seeing as he had it before they lived together. He just hates the wastage of debt. Who can blame him? But I'm guessing he'll hate the lying more

The OP says he hates spending money and questions every purchase. He also earns a lot more than she does and has a lot of savings in his name. Quite often in circumstances like this, it turns out that the lower earner is paying 50/50 or close to that amount for joint expenses, so has a much smaller amount of personal money, much of which is often used for top up shopping, or things for DC or the house. And often the reason the DW is the lower earner is that she's doing all the cooking, cleaning and childcare, while he's been able to concentrate on nothing but work.

The OP says he hates spending money and questions every purchase.

Where does the op say that? She says,she's worried that when he discovers that she's in debt and been lying to him about it, he'll start to question her in the future. Not that he's doing that now.

I also fear him constantly wanting to know every single thing I spend/ buy in the future

And nowhere does she say he hates spending money.

He also earns a lot more than she does and has a lot of savings in his name.

She counts those savings as joint savings. And she's allowed to know about his savings but he's not allowed to see her bank accounts to know about her lack of savings.

He (I guess we) have about 80k in savings

Quite often in circumstances like this, it turns out that the lower earner is paying 50/50 or close to that amount for joint expenses, so has a much smaller amount of personal money, much of which is often used for top up shopping, or things for DC or the house.

According to the op, she pays ⅓ of the mortgage and food. Her husband pays the other ⅔ and all of the other bills. That doesn't sound like a anywhere near a 50% split. I'd be amazed if that was even 25% of their living expenses.

And often the reason the DW is the lower earner is that she's doing all the cooking, cleaning and childcare, while he's been able to concentrate on nothing but work.

I don't see why a wife is a lower earner because they do the cooking and the cleaning. How do you come up with that theory? Women frequently end up doing the majority of the housework despite earning good wages. It has nothing to do with money.
She's only just gone back to work after being on maternity leave so she's hardly been sacrificing her career for his looking after the kids. And I don't know why you make out he hasn't helped with their child because the op says he's a great dad.

changeme4this · 16/07/2023 07:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Yes they certainly did with me and my expenditure was under the card limit, but the full limit was applied to the loan application.

JenWillsiam · 16/07/2023 08:04

SarahAndQuack · 15/07/2023 23:41

I don't think so? The first post says he wants them both to be on the mortgage - it sounds as if he wants to go joint on things and she doesn't want to in case he finds out about her debt.

I don't think it is fine at all for one partner to lie to the other, or conceal things about finances. Separate money is a different issue from lying.

Show quote history

I disagree. If someone is lying there’s a reason and it’s nearly always because the person they’re lying to isn’t someone you can trust or rely on.

Peony654 · 16/07/2023 08:08

PonyPatter44 · 14/07/2023 19:56

You are married. If your DH gets run over by a bus, or spontaneously combusts, or is hit by a falling toilet seat from the ISS, you will not be chucked out of the house and neither will your child.

This-you’d automatically inherit the house. It’s not much debt relative to your income, but I’d transfer to 0% credit card and honestly the fact you are so worried to tell him is pretty concerning. i wouldnt risk it with the mortgage application as they may look at your bank statements and see the regular credit card payment.

Totaly · 16/07/2023 08:16

As far as I know the bank take your statements and do a calculation - they can’t discuss finances as they are private unless a joint bank account.

xsquared · 16/07/2023 08:37

I disagree. If someone is lying there’s a reason and it’s nearly always because the person they’re lying to isn’t someone you can trust or rely on.

The op is lying to protect herself from her dh's reaction and potential consequences.

By your logic there's no trust in op's marriage because she can't rely or trust her own husband? How does a relationship without trust even work?

She needs to come clean and trust that her husband will support her to clear the debt. For better and worse, for richer for poorer and all that.

Eowyn78 · 16/07/2023 09:28

Tell him. Don't keep secrets from your husband. A problem shared is a problem halved. If you have a good marriage he will support you and together you can work out a solution.

I agree with other parents here when they suggest you move over to a 0% cc.

Venerable · 16/07/2023 09:46

Tell him now. It will be much worse if he finds out later.

ednakenneth · 16/07/2023 09:52

He will find out. The mortgage company do a credit check on all applicants and that will come up. I was in the same position and my husband wasn't too pleased. I was luck I was able to pay it off but that would have scuppered our application. You will have to fess up as it will bring arguments. My husband was mad but was more disappointed in me that I didn't tell him . Good luck and brace yourself for the storm!!

SarahAndQuack · 16/07/2023 09:56

JenWillsiam · 16/07/2023 08:04

I disagree. If someone is lying there’s a reason and it’s nearly always because the person they’re lying to isn’t someone you can trust or rely on.

Show quote history

That is the sort of thing habitual liars say.

Coco1379 · 16/07/2023 10:03

You really need to make sure, and insist that you have your name on the deeds of the house. If you are just put on the mortgage you are jointly and severally liable for the mortgage payments on the house that he owns. You must protect yourself, even if you think now that a break up will never happen - I know from experience that people play dirty when money and property are concerned.
If you keep separate accounts, I would imagine what each of you do with your own money is is up to you individually.

Mandyjuliette · 16/07/2023 10:11

You are married now, surely the house would automatically become yours ?

JenWillsiam · 16/07/2023 11:02

SarahAndQuack · 16/07/2023 09:56

That is the sort of thing habitual liars say.

Show quote history

Of course. Because people only ever lie to be awful. It’s never because they’re in fear.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 16/07/2023 11:11

Er - I suspect some people have done what I did and read the "to want to combine finances" thread started at the same time as this, with the DH who keeps a spreadsheet of the OP's "debt" to him for every coffee or burger. And then applied those attributes to this guy.

HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 16/07/2023 11:29

Because people only ever lie to be awful. It’s never because they’re in fear.

OP has been dishonest about this since before she was married. She could have chosen to end the relationship if she didn't want to talk about it, or if she thought their attitudes to money and finance were incompatible.

MoyoGaza · 16/07/2023 11:33

OP, money has a way of revealing our character and values. A few things stand out for me here:

  1. Are you being fair to him in your view and description of him? You are the one in debt, he’s not. You lied - and continue to hide information from him. And yet, you don’t say he is financially responsible but instead “He’s so controlling with money and debt is the worst thing in the world to him so I really, …..etc”
  2. A relationship built on secrets (non disclosure) & fear is not a healthy one. Many people are giving you ideas some of them fantastical, but few are challenging you to look at yourself and face your fears, and sort that side of things.
  3. Tell him how ashamed you were of your debt given his view of money. Come clean girl, honesty is the best policy, they say. You might hear hard things, but hard things have to be heard! It might just be the tonic you need!
  4. Marriage is not the arena for tricks and deception especially around serious matters. As has already been said, the debt itself is relatively modest- but you are in danger of needlessly digging a big hole for yourself, by trying to preserve a false picture of yourself. Take off that mask OP,!!! and I want celebrate with you soon, when all this mess is behind us and you and DH are happy, and open and you are free from fear!
  5. You are only focusing on the worst possible outcome, you are painting him as extremely unreasonable in that he will chuck you out. You must have reasons for thinking that, otherwise don’t let fear prevent you from doing the right thing!
Jonniecomelately · 16/07/2023 11:40

Do you have the same spending each month? Because if you don't, this is why you're getting into debt and finding it hard to save. If he has £80k savings and you have none - something isn't right here.

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