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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH is going to find out about my CC debt isn’t he.

505 replies

Blueskyfordays · 14/07/2023 19:38

PLEASE, PLEASE not a pile on.

I have £4K of CC debt, tbh I have no idea how I’ve even accumulated it over the years but here we are. Minimum payments are £150 a month, I pay off £200-£250 a month but it has a fairly high interest rate (about £80 a month interest charges) husband doesn’t know, we have separate bank accounts with my wages going into mine and his going into his. I just transfer him money for mortgage and bills.

I have never been on our mortgage, mainly because DH can easily afford the mortgage himself and this house was his before we married. We married a couple of years ago.

Mortgage now up for renewal, he said a couple of months ago he wanted to put me on the mortgage. I didn’t say anything, hoping he’d forget/ change his mind.

This morning, the new provider that he’s gone to a quote for rang him and he said he wanted to put his wife on the mortgage too and I had to give some details, name, DOB, job title, current salary etc.

Between us we earn £98k and we would be looking to take out a mortgage of £240,000.

The man on the phone thanked him for the details and said someone will be in touch.

Will they ask/ tell him about the debt? 😭😭 I know people will say I should have told him/ should tell him but I pay it every month, I’ve never missed a payment, it comes out of my wage and if I was spending £200 a month on clothes and shoes (I don’t!) I wouldn’t tell him, so long as I could afford it.

I was just hoping to get it all paid off in the next 2-3 years with him being none the wiser 😞

OP posts:
Meowandthen · 15/07/2023 20:42

TNUHC · 14/07/2023 22:00

They're married, so while it's always a good idea to make a will, marriage means that everything would pass to the OP if her husband dies intestate. Yet another reason to get married if you are financially vulnerable.

Show quote history

In theory but not always. Far better to have a will so an estate is settled quicker, with less hassle and lower cost.

don’t go telling people not to make wills as inheritance laws are more complex than many assume.

Boymum024 · 15/07/2023 20:55

lilymani · 15/07/2023 20:12

Yes what a great idea, get herself into yet another mess with someone else that she now has to hide from her husband again

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But she’s not in a mess… she’s making her repayments but paying a huge amount of interest each month. It was a suggestion, you don’t need to make snide remarks. Neither you or I know OPs circumstances, she may have family around who could help her with a loan that she could repay in the same way she is her CCs but with no interest, at £200 a month and no interest it would be cleared in just over 1.5 years

Imliterallywingingit · 15/07/2023 20:58

Blueskyfordays · 15/07/2023 16:05

I do suffer with anxiety (which has got so much worse since DC came along) so I could be blowing it up out of proportion but there have been several people on this thread that have said they would leave their partners over this.

I plan to tell him when he comes home, which now should be tonight.

Honestly I’m not sure honesty is the best policy in this scenario and I really hope I don’t regret doing ‘the right thing’

Do you really think he’d leave you over 4k or debt?! Your married with a child!

i think you are over worrying. He may be angry but I really doubt he’ll divorce you over this.

good luck and let us know Xx

Gracewithoutend · 15/07/2023 21:05

JenWillsiam · 15/07/2023 20:32

It is wasting money but that’s on him for being so unpleasant.

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No responsibility on her then? 🙄 She lied how much debt she had before she got married and she's been lying to him since.

Why are you saying he's an unpleasant person? She says he's a good man and a great husband. He's putting her on the mortgage to share the house that he will have paid the most into seeing as he had it before they lived together. He just hates the wastage of debt. Who can blame him? But I'm guessing he'll hate the lying more.

MixedCouple · 15/07/2023 21:14

If he ends the marriage becuase of this then the marriage wasn't a good one to start with. Yes you lied but it isn't the end of the world. The longer you wait the worse it will be.
It is 4k not 400,000k.

If he is a decent husband I am sure he will be willing to work it through and arrange a solution.

MinnieTruck · 15/07/2023 21:16

What sort of madman would divorce someone over 4K debt?! Someone who’s actually paying it off each month too. It’s not like you’ve stolen money off of him to pay the debt.

I understand not liking debt. But how can your wife be so scared of telling you that she’s thinking of ways to not get put on the mortgage? Just so you don’t find out? Crazy, absolutely crazy.

Good luck OP

AleeshaA · 15/07/2023 21:25

I recently moved house with my DH and DC, sounds like you're in a similar situation that I was in a few months ago. I have a similar amount of CC debt that my DH doesn't know about as he hates buying anything on credit and never has done, and doesn't expect me to either. I personally have a more relaxed attitude towards credit and don't see a huge issue with it as long as it doesn't get out of hand and I know I can pay it off. When it came applying for our mortgage (we have separate bank accounts too) I didn't mention the CC as I thought he would go mental. I assumed the mortgage lender would have found out about it as they do a hard credit check. Nothing was mentioned by them though... I was terrified that they would say something about it but they didn't - perhaps as you earn a good wage and hopefully have a good credit score the mortgage lender won't say anything. I thought at the time that perhaps as we don't share any bank accounts that maybe the bank wouldn't be allowed to disclose that information to my husband due to confidentiality? Could you maybe speak with the mortgage lender and explain your situation? I sympathise as I remember how scared I was about my DH finding out.

BarbaraofSeville · 15/07/2023 21:27

Why are you saying he's an unpleasant person? She says he's a good man and a great husband. He's putting her on the mortgage to share the house that he will have paid the most into seeing as he had it before they lived together. He just hates the wastage of debt. Who can blame him? But I'm guessing he'll hate the lying more

The OP says he hates spending money and questions every purchase. He also earns a lot more than she does and has a lot of savings in his name. Quite often in circumstances like this, it turns out that the lower earner is paying 50/50 or close to that amount for joint expenses, so has a much smaller amount of personal money, much of which is often used for top up shopping, or things for DC or the house. And often the reason the DW is the lower earner is that she's doing all the cooking, cleaning and childcare, while he's been able to concentrate on nothing but work.

Dymaxion · 15/07/2023 21:47

DH earned a lot more than me when I completed my course and we got together. Over the three years of studying as a single parent I managed to accumulate less than 1k of debt and DH who was and still is massively risk averse due to his own chequered financial history, was absolutely horrified at my financial situation. He made me feel as though I was a terrible person having any debt at all, he had none, no credit cards, loans etc. He likes to think he is financially savvy and has managed to save a lot of money whilst I have got into debt paying for all the childcare, clothes, shoes, uniforms, christmas and birthday presents etc. What I have essentially done is allowed him to continue financially as a single person on a decent salary, because he engineered a situation where I was made to feel awful if I asked for a contribution to anything for the children. I have no access to the savings he has made by having children but not having to be financially responsible for them.
Don't be me OP, life will be so much better if you can stand up to this now.

xsquared · 15/07/2023 21:57

Dymaxion · 15/07/2023 21:47

DH earned a lot more than me when I completed my course and we got together. Over the three years of studying as a single parent I managed to accumulate less than 1k of debt and DH who was and still is massively risk averse due to his own chequered financial history, was absolutely horrified at my financial situation. He made me feel as though I was a terrible person having any debt at all, he had none, no credit cards, loans etc. He likes to think he is financially savvy and has managed to save a lot of money whilst I have got into debt paying for all the childcare, clothes, shoes, uniforms, christmas and birthday presents etc. What I have essentially done is allowed him to continue financially as a single person on a decent salary, because he engineered a situation where I was made to feel awful if I asked for a contribution to anything for the children. I have no access to the savings he has made by having children but not having to be financially responsible for them.
Don't be me OP, life will be so much better if you can stand up to this now.

The way you've described your dh here makes it sound like you resent him and are very unhappy with your relationship with him. Have you told him all you've written here?

Anyway, I hope that isn't your situation op. You say he is financially controlling and hates debt, wasting money etc, but I really do think you need to tell him about your debt seeing as you are struggling and let him support you. He is going to hate the lying more than he hates debt.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/07/2023 21:59

I understand not liking debt. But how can your wife be so scared of telling you that she’s thinking of ways to not get put on the mortgage? Just so you don’t find out? Crazy, absolutely crazy

It is indeed crazy on the face of it, but what if the debt's actually much higher and the situation even messier than has been mentioned?

We can't possibly know if this is the case of course, but if the sexes were reversed and it had been a man hiding debt I absolutely guarantee that a woman on here would be told "It'll be much more than he's admitting", "LTB before he drags you down" and all the rest

As a PP said women can make mistakes too, but the key is in how they're handled - which is why most of us are advising OP to tell him rather than make the situation worse with lies

Silentmama2 · 15/07/2023 22:02

You should be transfering your debt on to a free - card - and TBH with your income there is no excuse to still be in debt at all!

JenWillsiam · 15/07/2023 22:04

Gracewithoutend · 15/07/2023 21:05

No responsibility on her then? 🙄 She lied how much debt she had before she got married and she's been lying to him since.

Why are you saying he's an unpleasant person? She says he's a good man and a great husband. He's putting her on the mortgage to share the house that he will have paid the most into seeing as he had it before they lived together. He just hates the wastage of debt. Who can blame him? But I'm guessing he'll hate the lying more.

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We aren’t going to agree.

WildUnchartedWaters · 15/07/2023 22:12

Gracewithoutend · 15/07/2023 21:05

No responsibility on her then? 🙄 She lied how much debt she had before she got married and she's been lying to him since.

Why are you saying he's an unpleasant person? She says he's a good man and a great husband. He's putting her on the mortgage to share the house that he will have paid the most into seeing as he had it before they lived together. He just hates the wastage of debt. Who can blame him? But I'm guessing he'll hate the lying more.

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This

Mrsgreen100 · 15/07/2023 22:28

Actually having a credit card balance and paying it if regularly is what my mortgage guy
recommended, to improve a credit score unless you have missed payments, not a problem check your credit score
really important to have your name on the mortgage etc
otherwise he can kick u out now or in years to come if you can’t show yourself as contributing you will be left with nothing and nowhere to go !
think forward
meantime check your credit report, there’s a cheaper way than Experian , can’t remember the company but another mums netter may know ?
Big mistake to live in his house if you aren’t married or married for a short time , without having your name on any thing

Devora13 · 15/07/2023 22:33

Not sure what this is about. If he has life insurance (a standard requirement of lenders), the mortgage would be paid off with that should something happen to him, and as his wife you would inherit so there would be no question of you being kicked out. Am I missing something here or is there a hidden agenda?

Toadstool52 · 15/07/2023 22:38

You have been earning a third of what he does. Don't panic. Try to shift to a 0 % card. You might have to be honest about your debt with him. You are married, so maybe your incomes/outgoings should be clear between you? I do feel for you. X

Wilburisagirl · 15/07/2023 22:41

As someone who has been in exactly your position not so long ago, I implore you to just tell him. Hopefully he will be far more understanding that you're expecting.

I was exactly the same. I had let it sneak up on me because I was trying to protect him from the true cost of things (I don't know why) and the anxiety of being found out was causing me to feel sick and avoid my husband. Eventually we were in a position where I had no choice but to tell him and Al thought he was disappointed, he was much more understanding than I expected. He helped me pay it off and I've now cancelled the card.

lilymani · 15/07/2023 22:41

BarbaraofSeville · 15/07/2023 21:27

Why are you saying he's an unpleasant person? She says he's a good man and a great husband. He's putting her on the mortgage to share the house that he will have paid the most into seeing as he had it before they lived together. He just hates the wastage of debt. Who can blame him? But I'm guessing he'll hate the lying more

The OP says he hates spending money and questions every purchase. He also earns a lot more than she does and has a lot of savings in his name. Quite often in circumstances like this, it turns out that the lower earner is paying 50/50 or close to that amount for joint expenses, so has a much smaller amount of personal money, much of which is often used for top up shopping, or things for DC or the house. And often the reason the DW is the lower earner is that she's doing all the cooking, cleaning and childcare, while he's been able to concentrate on nothing but work.

Does hating men make you lose literacy or what?

"The OP says he hates spending money" - Where did you see that? I don't.

I do see her saying he's "controlling" with money but in the same breath says her parents were shit with money and she's shit with money (not to pile on but that's quite obvious)... So I wonder if basic financial planning to her is controlling?

"and questions every purchase" - ? don't see that.

I do see, in FUTURE tense re if he found out about the debt: "I also fear him constantly wanting to know every single thing I spend/ buy in the future (I guess I’d deserve that to be fair)" which yes, I think most people would for someone who got into debt twice, including for fashion

"Quite often in circumstances like this, it turns out that the lower earner is paying 50/50 or close to that amount for joint expenses" - "he pays the majority of the mortgage and bills"

To me it really sounds like OP just has no idea about money, and is blaming him a bit out of avoidance/fear/etc. Really I imagine he's thinking of life ruining sums of debt when he says he hates debt though. Lots of people say they hate debt. And he's not going to split up the family over 4 bloody k! If anything he'll probably be more irritated by the extortionate interest she's been paying every month when she could easily have moved it to a 0%!

Toadstool52 · 15/07/2023 22:46

Just scrolled through quickly but OMG. You are paying him for bills/ to live in your own home? To be fair, I've never been in your position but this does not sound like a good relationship. Why aren't you having a joint account?

LavanderSmellsLovely · 15/07/2023 22:48

You are paying him for bills/ to live in your own home? To be fair, I've never been in your position but this does not sound like a good relationship. Why aren't you having a joint account?

She is paying her share. Why shouldn't she?

BadNomad · 15/07/2023 22:50

You are paying him for bills/ to live in your own home?

Am I being dense? Why is it shocking/wrong/bad that she contributes to the bills?

LavanderSmellsLovely · 15/07/2023 22:51

Why aren't you having a joint account?

She has also said she is ok with having separate finances.

Gracewithoutend · 15/07/2023 23:10

Toadstool52 · 15/07/2023 22:46

Just scrolled through quickly but OMG. You are paying him for bills/ to live in your own home? To be fair, I've never been in your position but this does not sound like a good relationship. Why aren't you having a joint account?

Why shouldn't she pay towards the mortgage and bills? Isn't that what everyone does? Pay towards their living expenses? How is that a bad relationship?

Teder · 15/07/2023 23:25

BarbaraofSeville · 15/07/2023 21:27

Why are you saying he's an unpleasant person? She says he's a good man and a great husband. He's putting her on the mortgage to share the house that he will have paid the most into seeing as he had it before they lived together. He just hates the wastage of debt. Who can blame him? But I'm guessing he'll hate the lying more

The OP says he hates spending money and questions every purchase. He also earns a lot more than she does and has a lot of savings in his name. Quite often in circumstances like this, it turns out that the lower earner is paying 50/50 or close to that amount for joint expenses, so has a much smaller amount of personal money, much of which is often used for top up shopping, or things for DC or the house. And often the reason the DW is the lower earner is that she's doing all the cooking, cleaning and childcare, while he's been able to concentrate on nothing but work.

OP has said she pays 1/3 of the mortgage and the food but he pays all other bills. It doesn’t sound a terrible balance. People are making the DH into a financial abuser. Maybe he is but OP is defending him and has been honest about both of their shortcomings.

I think they’re both in the wrong - the DH for being overly controlling and judgemental about debt (especially as this is a small sum) and the OP for hiding it. It’s a bad combination for the 2 of them but I imagine it is resolvable.