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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH is going to find out about my CC debt isn’t he.

505 replies

Blueskyfordays · 14/07/2023 19:38

PLEASE, PLEASE not a pile on.

I have £4K of CC debt, tbh I have no idea how I’ve even accumulated it over the years but here we are. Minimum payments are £150 a month, I pay off £200-£250 a month but it has a fairly high interest rate (about £80 a month interest charges) husband doesn’t know, we have separate bank accounts with my wages going into mine and his going into his. I just transfer him money for mortgage and bills.

I have never been on our mortgage, mainly because DH can easily afford the mortgage himself and this house was his before we married. We married a couple of years ago.

Mortgage now up for renewal, he said a couple of months ago he wanted to put me on the mortgage. I didn’t say anything, hoping he’d forget/ change his mind.

This morning, the new provider that he’s gone to a quote for rang him and he said he wanted to put his wife on the mortgage too and I had to give some details, name, DOB, job title, current salary etc.

Between us we earn £98k and we would be looking to take out a mortgage of £240,000.

The man on the phone thanked him for the details and said someone will be in touch.

Will they ask/ tell him about the debt? 😭😭 I know people will say I should have told him/ should tell him but I pay it every month, I’ve never missed a payment, it comes out of my wage and if I was spending £200 a month on clothes and shoes (I don’t!) I wouldn’t tell him, so long as I could afford it.

I was just hoping to get it all paid off in the next 2-3 years with him being none the wiser 😞

OP posts:
RainbowsSunshine · 15/07/2023 19:06

I was in this situation and owed more than double the amount you do. I always convinced myself I could sort it. Like yours, my husband hates debt, etc. I had no idea how to tell him. It grew bigger and bigger when it didn’t need to as like you we had savings. I felt so ashamed and hid it for so long. Anyway, 2 months ago I reached breaking point and I told him. I was upstairs and wrote it in a text and sent it as I was literally sobbing and couldn’t say it to his face. He came running up the stairs and gave me a hug and said honestly do not worry we will sort it. We paid it off the next day and now I write down what’s in my account on a calendar we have in the kitchen everyday without fail so we can both see it. Goes without saying I’ve also closed my CC accounts.

I felt absolutely awful and still feel terrible for keeping it from him. For him that was the worst part, understandably. The sense of relief was immense and we’re now moving forward.

You can do this. It’ll be so much better when it’s out in the open.

Gracewithoutend · 15/07/2023 19:07

JenWillsiam · 15/07/2023 18:53

That didn’t happen here though? She’s literally just spending her money and managing her own credit. He chose to keep finances separate.

Show quote history

Is she managing her credit, though? She had £13,000 debt. Paid down £10,000 from an inheritence. Added to the debt. So owes £4,000 and is paying £80pm on interest alone. And she's looking at it taking up to 3 years to pay off. How is this managing it? How is it an effective use of family money?

She assumes her partner has savings but that's his money he works for so the poster I replied to considers he can spend his money however he likes, too, eg, gambling, shopping, expensive hobbies. So if they're both spiking debt, but hiding it from each other, how is this a sensible or even viable way to live? I couldn't sleep at night not knowing how all the bills were going to be paid.

Pupinski · 15/07/2023 19:09

Tell him - take the weight of your shoulders and get his support. If you're saying your expenditure is your responsibility and there's no need for him to know, why would you keep it a secret? Where's the trust in your relationship? You're dealing with it. It shouldn't be a problem for him!

Kit7 · 15/07/2023 19:12

You’d rather not be on the mortgage and as you say potentially lose your home if he died because you want to lie about something? You have a child and you should put them first.
you shouldn’t be lying to your husband if you can’t have a relationship with trust it’s not a healthy relationship.
sort out the debt into a cheaper option, come clean about it and put your child’s security first. I’d be really annoyed if my partner was as deceitful as you are choosing to be.

Gracewithoutend · 15/07/2023 19:16

Totaly · 15/07/2023 18:53

Nobody is gambling! Talk about extremes - it’s a minor debt - easily paid off and quite frankly none of his business!!

OP have you ever paid into a pension? What you’ve paid in is your money and might be worth looking at disinvesting?

She's had that debt for two years. She's talking of it taking another 3 years to pay it off. And she's paying £80pm charges. So it's definitely not being paid off easily.

Mumof3confused · 15/07/2023 19:21

I hope the conversation goes well. You should not have to be this anxious over a minor thing like this. It sounds like you have bigger worries if he’s this controlling about money…

WildUnchartedWaters · 15/07/2023 19:24

jrc1071 · 15/07/2023 17:54

Agree.

earlier she said he’s financially controlling. So he may limit what she allowed to diene in herself and her child.

so she probably used the card to get herself things she deserves and needs.

if OP is concerned he will kick her and the baby out due to a CC debt that is more than likely due to his not letting her have money, she needs to think of an exit strategy now because it will only get worse.

and I know he says on mortgage so she doesn’t get kicked out if he dies— this is untrue

she only needs to be in the deed. And they are married so she’s have the rights to the house.

Something fishy is going on here IMO as he is asking her to take in debt.

she needs to ask better questions and stop trusting him blindly

And you need to stop making things up in a desperate attempt to relieve her of blame.

Shes in the wrong.

WildUnchartedWaters · 15/07/2023 19:24

Mumof3confused · 15/07/2023 19:21

I hope the conversation goes well. You should not have to be this anxious over a minor thing like this. It sounds like you have bigger worries if he’s this controlling about money…

Hes hardly controlling when she has 4 grand of debt she had no intention of telling him about and is only spilling the beans as to not lie about the mortgage. Sometimes, women can behave wrongly without us needing to make up excuses.

Bambiwithlonglegs · 15/07/2023 19:29

I had a similar situation about a year ago and I told my husband. So tell him so you can both work out to pay it off!
Don’t hide it.
You will feel better afterwards!

SarahAndQuack · 15/07/2023 19:33

JenWillsiam · 15/07/2023 18:53

That didn’t happen here though? She’s literally just spending her money and managing her own credit. He chose to keep finances separate.

Show quote history

Can you point me to the post that says this?

I only saw the posts where the OP herself seemed to be the one keen to keep finances separate.

skyeisthelimit · 15/07/2023 19:37

You shouldn't be lying to your DH about this. I would come clean and hope that he would help you and pay it off and in return, you cut up your cards so that you don't do it again.

He wants to do a nice thing by adding you on to the mortgage. You should also be on the deeds. This gives you protection that so many women post on MN that they don't have.

He is not necessarily controlling with finances just because he doesn't want to get into debt or overspend.

My XH lied to me about credit card debt. I hate being in debt. I do currently have a 0% card with less than £500 owed on it (one off furniture purchase), but that is it apart from the mortgage.

I couldn't live with somebody who lied to me about debt. I can't live with debt. You can explain how it happened, wedding etc, but then I think you do need to agree that it won't happen again.

I would (and have) said the same to a female poster whose DH was in hidden debt.

VeneziaJ · 15/07/2023 19:48

Blueskyfordays · 14/07/2023 19:51

I’m scared he’ll leave me or kick me out. We have a 1 year old DC, they’re my life 😞

Show quote history

If things are at such a pitch in the relationship that you have had to hide a credit card from him and you think he is controlling about money then to be honest I think you need a complete rethink about your relationship and take to legal advice about obtaining a beneficial interest in the property should you separate.

DVL · 15/07/2023 19:54

My OH had a loan from buying a work van when we met (about 10k with high interest)…he hadn’t heard of 0% transfers so I did it for him and he saved quite a lot a month.

Deffo worth looking into OP - if you can’t get it paid in the initial 0% period you could always potentially move it again

No advice on how to tell your husband but this might help you get it paid off faster

Georgyporky · 15/07/2023 19:57

Is your name going on the deeds ?

Sleepytiredyawn · 15/07/2023 20:01

Blueskyfordays · 14/07/2023 20:20

I fear him ending our marriage. That’s why I’ve never told him.

I also fear him constantly wanting to know every single thing I spend/ buy in the future (I guess I’d deserve that to be fair) but I swear to god, I’d I could just clear this bloody debt I’d never touch a CC or any type of debt again and I do truly mean that.

Show quote history

Then tell him! Explain and sort it out and stop paying these extortionate rates. I was in this situation but I was your Husband. yes I was pissed off, yes in that moment I wanted to end it but once I calmed down I figured out how we would sort this as we have savings and told him, we pay it off and you pay us back. If you do this and are able to then pay off the whole balance, you can ask if they can knock something off, we did and it helped.

Boymum024 · 15/07/2023 20:05

This may have been asked already, but is there anyone you could borrow the money from to clear the debt and then repay them? Firstly it would obliterate the interest, secondly it would mean your husband may be none the wiser

Takeabreather23 · 15/07/2023 20:07

How have you 80k on savings and cant pay of a credit card ? What are the reasons you are using a credit card?
how much is the different im
your income and who lolls
after the child ?
who pays how much to the bills ?

He doesn’t get to
control how you spend your money .
maybe he should stop taking so much off you for savings
maybe he should see that’s his wife and I child have enough for all the things they need/ would like

He doesn’t get to control you

lilymani · 15/07/2023 20:12

Boymum024 · 15/07/2023 20:05

This may have been asked already, but is there anyone you could borrow the money from to clear the debt and then repay them? Firstly it would obliterate the interest, secondly it would mean your husband may be none the wiser

Yes what a great idea, get herself into yet another mess with someone else that she now has to hide from her husband again

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/07/2023 20:13

Boymum024 · 15/07/2023 20:05

This may have been asked already, but is there anyone you could borrow the money from to clear the debt and then repay them? Firstly it would obliterate the interest, secondly it would mean your husband may be none the wiser

OP said that, in effect, she'd aleady done that when her mum gave her £10K - except that was apparently a gift

Unfortunately, instead of being thrilled the debt was much reduced and paying the rest off as fast as possible she added to it, so whether mum (or anyone else) would be prepared to do that again may be open to question

JenWillsiam · 15/07/2023 20:17

SarahAndQuack · 15/07/2023 19:33

Can you point me to the post that says this?

I only saw the posts where the OP herself seemed to be the one keen to keep finances separate.

Show quote history

Which he’s obviously agreed to. This is how they manage their money. And it’s fine to do that.

JenWillsiam · 15/07/2023 20:19

Gracewithoutend · 15/07/2023 19:07

Is she managing her credit, though? She had £13,000 debt. Paid down £10,000 from an inheritence. Added to the debt. So owes £4,000 and is paying £80pm on interest alone. And she's looking at it taking up to 3 years to pay off. How is this managing it? How is it an effective use of family money?

She assumes her partner has savings but that's his money he works for so the poster I replied to considers he can spend his money however he likes, too, eg, gambling, shopping, expensive hobbies. So if they're both spiking debt, but hiding it from each other, how is this a sensible or even viable way to live? I couldn't sleep at night not knowing how all the bills were going to be paid.

Show quote history

£4000 isn’t a significant debt. It’s not out of control. It’s not spiralling.

I would say the bigger issue is that she’s paying a disproportionate amount toward joint bills comparatively. And if she wasn’t she would either not have built up further debt and been able to start to clear the rest.

lilymani · 15/07/2023 20:28

JenWillsiam · 15/07/2023 20:19

£4000 isn’t a significant debt. It’s not out of control. It’s not spiralling.

I would say the bigger issue is that she’s paying a disproportionate amount toward joint bills comparatively. And if she wasn’t she would either not have built up further debt and been able to start to clear the rest.

Show quote history

"he pays the majority of the mortgage and bills"

Think the monthly overpayment on interest is bigger issue

Gracewithoutend · 15/07/2023 20:31

£4000 isn’t a significant debt. It’s not out of control. It’s not spiralling.

It's not chickenfeed either. She had £13k debt. She used an inheritence to pay it down to £3k. 2 years later she's at £4k and that's with her paying it off. So it's not really going down. Is it only spiralling debts that cause a problem? She spending close on £1,000pa on debt charges alone.

Clearly it would a lot better for her husband to pay it off, and she pay it back to him if she feels she should. It's just wasting money as it is.

JenWillsiam · 15/07/2023 20:32

lilymani · 15/07/2023 20:28

"he pays the majority of the mortgage and bills"

Think the monthly overpayment on interest is bigger issue

Show quote history

What monthly overpayment on interest?

JenWillsiam · 15/07/2023 20:32

Gracewithoutend · 15/07/2023 20:31

£4000 isn’t a significant debt. It’s not out of control. It’s not spiralling.

It's not chickenfeed either. She had £13k debt. She used an inheritence to pay it down to £3k. 2 years later she's at £4k and that's with her paying it off. So it's not really going down. Is it only spiralling debts that cause a problem? She spending close on £1,000pa on debt charges alone.

Clearly it would a lot better for her husband to pay it off, and she pay it back to him if she feels she should. It's just wasting money as it is.

It is wasting money but that’s on him for being so unpleasant.