Have school got this wrong?

[princeofegypt]

DD 8, class mix up at school.

She's not been moved with any of her friends. Literally her new class has one person she's is friendly with, DD wrote them on her 'list' as they were sat next to each other that day.

Three form entry school, across the year DD has lots of friends, they've all been grouped together in one class which has made DD assume she's done something wrong as has been separated.

We've been into school to understand why abc teacher feels the mix will be better, we agree in the long run as lots of arguments in current class.

However DD is besides herself, not eating not sleeping so so sad. Friends are so important to her and she already dislikes school.

Whilst the mix might work eventually I'm worried the trauma its causing is outweighing and positives and I'm genuinely concerned for her mental health.

Have school got it wrong and I push for her to be moved?

No, build her resilience. Swap numbers with a few mums in the new class and build up new friendships within it. If there are lots of Fallings out in the current group a fresh start maybe the best thing for her

I agree

This is the sort of thing that looks like a huge deal right now, but won't seem that way with a bit of perspective.

She's in a class with at least one friend. She will make new friends. She will see her old friends at playtime and out of school.

It will be ok. You just need to comfort her to get over the upset, because it's hard, at 8 to understand how things will be.

It’s happening to my eldest so many times and it’s always ended up being the right thing , even if at first I was a bit grumpy on his behalf.

So to build resilience we should mentally break children?

DD had this done to her in year 5 and worse was put with her bully (and school were aware of this dynamic and clearly didn't care that playtime bullying would escalate to class time as well).

I used the resilience line at the time. Resilience is a crock of shit made up to make parents and pupils look bad for questioning when kids are treated poorly in my opinion ever since.

We left by March of that year and DD was traumatized and was home educated until the September of year 6 when we finally got them to agree to slowly reintegrate into a small school.

Tell school that you do not agree with them using your DD as the guinea pig for splitting one from the group. She's clearly not solely responsible for any minor disagreements in the group, that's just girls and friendships. And suggest she have a fair split of the group.

This happened to my nephew going into y2 and SIL went mad at the school over it (didn’t win that argument) but you know, it’s the best thing the school have done. Nephew was shy, relying on his friends too much, low confidence, not contributing to class discussions etc. A year on and he’s grown so much in confidence, contributes in class, and has made new friends. He’s like a different child. Sometimes the schools see the dynamics that parents don’t see outside of school at play dates or what DC tell them.

If you really feel your DD is finding it hard ask the school if they run the ELSA programmes which provides emotional support to pupils. She really need to learn to build resilience and confidence and think of this as a new opportunity to get to know other pupils more and expand her friendship groups. She will take her cue from you too so be positive on front of her.

My DS is also in a 3-form entry and has also been split from all but two friends, and while upset when he came home, he has for over it. He has previously had ELSA support post-Covid and it did wonders for him.

You're being a tad dramatic. It's no wonder your DD is struggling if this is your reaction.

It isn’t ‘mentally breaking’ children-that is very dramatic! It’s mixing them up and encouraging them to explore new friendships.

push for her to be moved?

This simply wouldn’t happen in any school I’ve worked in, no matter how hard you ‘pushed’.

We've been through this twice, in P5 and again for S1 (Scottish system, all one school junior through to senior) and it's always a shock at the time. Other people always seemed to be in classes with people they liked, my daughter always seemed to shafted. But after a few weeks it all works out fine and actually, my daughter now has a much wider network of friends as she still connects with friends she was with in the earlier years and is friends with their friends now too.

I tend to trust that the school know what they are doing but of course mistakes do happen and if your daughter is really really upset, it might be worth having a calm word and get some dialogue about it.

In terms of resilience, it's not a bad thing as there are going to be plenty of occasions in school, uni, work, life where you are put together with people you don't know/like and have to make the best of it.

You are using words like "trauma" and "break" for a perfectly normal childhood disappointment that every single child will experience during their time at school, at some stage or another.

She will be fine, (probably- but it is no more likely or unlikely than if she was in the other class) but you need to take the lead on demonstrating that this is a slight disappointment, but not a major one

"Trauma" for god's sake

School is supposed to be fun. I would ask for her to be moved. I am a teacher and wouldn’t dream of putting a child in a class with no friends. A child with anxiety needs something to be happy about. A safety blanket. Resilience is a bullshit word bandied about for so many reasons to cover lack of funding/poor decisions/lack of staff. Learning to suck up the miseries of life when actually a simple fix like moving classes is all that’s needed. A bit like the ‘because Covid’ excuse that businesses still use for poor service.

Get a grip, she's moving class not school. She can still see her friends and the likelihood is she'll make new ones.

Schools don't mix up classes in an effort to deliberately upset and isolate your child. They need to re-balance the classes, perhaps one class has a lot of very forceful characters that don't get on well together, one class is significantly higher achieving than the others, one class has got lots of children who need additional support compared with the others. All sorts of factors.

If they plan out the classes and then let every parent say well I don't like little Johnny being in this class can't he move to the other one, why can't Susan be with Jane and Amy, Sam doesn't like that teacher he'd prefer to be with Mrs So-and-So who taught his older brother, it would be literally impossible to sort out.

You said they had a list for friends the kids particularly get on with, and they usually say they'll try to make sure they go with at least one friend (unless it's all relationships they deliberately want to break up in class a bit). Your child is with one of the names on their lists. That's all you can ask from the situation.

It's very likely this is a "no appeals, no questions, we're not getting into this with you" situation for the school because otherwise it's unworkable. 99% of the time it will be fine, they'll see their friends at break and lunch and when working with the other classes, and they'll make more friends.

She's 8. The biggest reason for her to be bothered about it is that you are.

100%. It's standard practice for schools to do this to avoid cliques and build resilience. It's a tough lesson but an important life skill she needs to develop and ultimately, school is for learning not a social event

Jolly her along OP. Talk excitedly about the new people, over the holidays, ask her if she would like to do something different, sports, drama, arty to meet some new kids.

If this is about to cause trauma or mentally break a child, the child has bigger problems than school. I would be more inclined to deal with the real issues than focus on school.

I wish my middle school had broken my friendship group up. It caused far more issues than moving classes would have. My DM asked for different classes due to the problems through middle school when I went to senior school. It worked in getting a limpet off me, but it caused me more problems over friendships than if it had been nipped in the bud earlier.

However DD is besides herself, not eating not sleeping so so sad. Friends are so important to her and she already dislikes school.

If it's this bad your daughter needs more help to adapt. Go back into school and see them.

All kids are different. Some are resilient some are not.

I don't think your attitude is helping, if you are making this a much bigger deal than it needs to be.

It's annoying when the school mix the classes, but they don't do it for the fun of wasting their time and dealing with parents complaining about it. There are reasons, some which will benefit your own child even if you don't realise it.

Your daughter has one of the name she puts on her list, that's fair. She's not excluded.

Stop talking about trauma and "mental health" when it's just a child being a bit upset, you need to help her build resilience. Meet new friends, and move forward.

My dc have had this all the way through primary. Their school has had a lot of mixed classes.
They still get to play with their friends and also got a chance to make new friends they might not have other wise.

How long has your dd been in this new class? I'd say persuade her to give it and chance and if she is still that upset after a while then go back in and speak to the school again.

Also my dd was not put with a single one of her friends in high school. She was upset for a short while but has now made a gang of lovely new friends as well as still hanging with her best friend at lunch and break.

I know she's older than your dd but I think being in mixed classes in primary helped her to learn how to make new friends and cope with it better.

Trauma, really? Yes yes to building resilience. Classes in the same year group often still work together and she will see everyone at break times.

I don't hold with it building resilience. Similar happened to my daughter and she went from loving school to crying and refusing to get ready in the morning. On the plus side she loved her new teacher. She did get over it but i don't think it made her any more resilient going forward. I also found the teachers didn't think maintaining friendships was important.

maintaining friendships is not the teacher's job. Children maintain their own friendships, they don't need teacher's to do it for them, and they don't need to be in the same class.

I seem to have maintained my closest school friendships over half a century now, even though we were put in different classes, in one case at the age of 9, and in one case at the age of 11.