Have school got this wrong?

[princeofegypt]

DD 8, class mix up at school.

She's not been moved with any of her friends. Literally her new class has one person she's is friendly with, DD wrote them on her 'list' as they were sat next to each other that day.

Three form entry school, across the year DD has lots of friends, they've all been grouped together in one class which has made DD assume she's done something wrong as has been separated.

We've been into school to understand why abc teacher feels the mix will be better, we agree in the long run as lots of arguments in current class.

However DD is besides herself, not eating not sleeping so so sad. Friends are so important to her and she already dislikes school.

Whilst the mix might work eventually I'm worried the trauma its causing is outweighing and positives and I'm genuinely concerned for her mental health.

Have school got it wrong and I push for her to be moved?

Absolutely not!! That is why your education department will have a school allocated councillor contact them directly through the council education department and raise your concerns they will visit your child’s school and if necessary come and speak to you and your daughter with a solution good luck but be persistent friend groups are important and the school should have recognised and addressed this already

My DS school do this yearly from Reception to Year 6.
There are mostly two classes of 16 approx per year group. Each year they have a shuffle between 'red' and 'yellow'
Each time the children give the teacher three names of their closest friends and they stay with at least one.
To be honest however the groups are split for reading, working etc but for social activities, PE and trips they all go together.

For my oldest son it worked well as he went off to secondary and his primary friends are split across eight tutor groups and he sees different friends in tutor and subjects. It's helped his confidence no end as he isn't afraid to be away from his close friends and will mix socially.

When moving to secondary the link school also requested that all new Year 7's give names of two close friends and ensure they are with at least one.

I was fine with this because they were nearly always with another friend until my friends asd son was the one put into a class with his bully and none of his friends. I’m rather laid back but I think that was absolutely disgusting and ruined his last 2 years at school.

maybe it’s cos I don’t really understand the whole ‘make as many new friends as possible’ thing. When you have good friends already who just buggars them off and goes to find new ones?

I think there's a lot of kids these days who don't know how to cope with little upsets. They are protected too much and are going to massively struggle when they are adults. There are children going through horribly traumatic times, this does not qualify as that

For every parent that complains that children have been split up from friends , there will be those who want them out of the class they've just been in, because there was friction etc. It is just not possible to accommodate everyone's wishes.

Rest assured that that your child will forget about the change very quickly. If you make it a 'thing', they will think it is something to stress over.

Absolutely this .

This is why small schools with one form entry can be better. However we have found that this has also caused issues as there’s nowhere for the child to go if they do have issues with lots of the peers in their class. My DD is in a class of 20 at her school and really only has a couple of friends. My elder DD was in a class of 30 at the same school and only had one friend she connected with but they’re both autistic and part of the issue was becoming over reliant on the one friend. When eldest went to secondary they were kept together but the friend became a school refuser so my DD was in a new tutor group of strangers and then also subject lessons with strangers too. But she made lots new friends which do seem to change year on year. Youngest DD is going to secondary and has one friend in her class she knows from primary (well 2 but one was absent on transition day) and she came back from transition day with new phone numbers of new friends she had made.

Im also a teacher and when we’ve had a 2 form entry or sometimes 2.5 forms with the .5 being a mixed class, we haven’t moved children around, they tend to say the same unless one or two need to be moved for a specific reason. The .5 class was created as a smaller group in a smaller room with children who coped better with less people but all still a range of abilities.

I think referring to trauma is a bit ott. Trains gets used a lot these days. Yes trauma does happen but she has 1 friend so together they can build up new friends.

I remember when our classes were mixed (in secondary school) there was one girl who got separated from the rest of our friendship group. It was because she was bullying one of the other girls in the group and the rest of asked the teacher to split them up.

It's worth speaking to the school to understand if there's any reason why your daughter was chosen to be the one separated. It sounds like she isn't very resilient yet so would be worth exploring why they think this is the right thing for her.

Her daughter hasn’t been separated from the rest of the class though. She has one friend.

Don’t be silly, she’s not being evacuated to a war zone.

Going against the grain here & I'm normally all for resilience & just getting on with it.

Same thing happened to my son. Was in a tight knit group of around 8 friends all split evenly between 2 classes - all good.

Then they were mixed- 7 in one class & just my DS in the other. I spoke to the school & was reassured like you were. I was positive about it, was sure it would be fine, lessons are just for learning, youll see them at break, it will be fine etc. But it wasn't.

DS increasingly was left out, not deliberately but because he wasn't around them as much so they forgot about him. Lessons ran late, or were at opposite ends of the school so frequently didn't meet at break, school trips were done by class so he couldn't sit with his friends on the coach, activities on residential again sorted by class so he wasn't able to do them with his friends either. Social plans sorted in lessons and he didn't know about them.

None of it was deliberate, then were just young & thoughtless & he was definitely wanted as their friend but they grew apart.

Being in separate classes didn't result in him widening his friendship group as he was particularly sporty (& so we're his friends) & the other boys in his classes were into computers etc which wasn't an interest of his at all.

I spent a lot of my time messaging the other mums, arranging get togethers, sleepovers, lifts to practice etc so he was still included in the wider group.

When they got Snapchat around 13 it improved massively as they used this to arrange their social life & didn't mention it at school so much.

They are now 18 & all away on their first lads holidays so it did work out, but only because I had to involve myself so much with the other mums at the start.

The biggest problem was that all of them apart from him were in another class - it wouldn't have been an issue if they were more separated and spread through different classes.

I've now got a much younger DC and am adamant that I will not let him be separated from all his friends in the way DC1 was at school. Fine if they are separated evenly but not all of them in 1 class and my DC in another. It really wasn't positive for my DC and I would definitely be 'that' parent if it was to happen again.

Good luck.

My son was separated from his friends in year 6 and then because of covid he wasn't allowed to play with them at break and lunch as there was a line down the playground they weren't allowed to cross. That really was damaging for his mental health to be able to see his friends playing but not be allowed to join in. But nearly 3 years on her still had the same group of friends (with a few changes as they started secondary school) and several really close friends including ones that he was separated from in year 6.
You need to focus on the positives like seeing each other at playtime and meeting new people in lessons. Children often work better without their friends in lessons to distract them.

The school are most likely aware that your daughter dislikes school, and have chosen to move her for this very reason. A fresh class could result in a very positive change for her, even if she needs some help getting used to it.

Hi Op. its really tough when we see our kids unhappy. Ignore the mean comments here.

I just want to reassure you.

My daughter is autistic and we had to move schools. I have never been so stressed in my life as seeing her struggle in the new school. I was literally unable to sleep with it.

But she is fine now - not just fine, thriving, happy - I think it has been really really good for her to go through this and learn to make new friends.

It is tough - but your daughter will be fine in the long run I promise.

I absolutely feel you’re pain. I missed how big an issue this would be last year, my son moved into a class away from his main friendship group, and was very lonely and lost. It was absolutely devastating to watch him struggle so much socially, he didn’t want to go to school, and was a shadow of himself most of the first term. His personality is very shy naturally anyway, so he was sitting in class, doing the work well, but absolutely hating it. Once I highlighted the issue to his teacher, she helped where she could, but did need me to keep on top of her as he tends to slip out of her focus as there are some children in the class who are much more demanding of her time.

The personal growth he has had this year is incredible though, the resilience he has developed has amazed me. (Although it took some time to find it)! One of the main things I did was try to open up his networks outside of school, regularly meeting with the kids who he wasn’t in class with, forcing him to stay at after school clubs, ensuring he didn’t skip cubs and making him take up an instrument.

It’s not been easy, and I’ve really had to work hard to keep positive and find new ways to help him feel like he belongs and can cope in settings where he doesn’t feel naturally involved.

What I will say is, it’s been an invaluable learning experience for him, and I’m glad to have had the opportunity to work through this scenario with him in primary school before he starts secondary school.

Slightly irrelevant but my pet hate on threads like this is people saying they will see friends on the playground. Not all all schools. My primary school had a separate playground so the classes within a year were split at all times.

This happened to my daughter going from primary to secondary school, 5 of her best friends moved together and my daughter was in a class with a girl she barely knew, the school wouldn't budge and we had a very difficult summer however 2 weeks in to year 7 she had made 2 lovely new friends and 3 years later they are all still together. During the first term of secondary, out of the group of 5 friends that moved together, one moved back to Poland, one was pulled out and is now home-schooled and one ditched the whole group in favour of the 'popular girls'. On reflection my daughter realises that things worked out for the best but I can remember her being distraught and I was devastated for her, we basically had a whole summer of anxiety over nothing. It will build her resilience, it won't break her.