Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have school got this wrong?

117 replies

princeofegypt · 14/07/2023 10:57

DD 8, class mix up at school.

She's not been moved with any of her friends. Literally her new class has one person she's is friendly with, DD wrote them on her 'list' as they were sat next to each other that day.

Three form entry school, across the year DD has lots of friends, they've all been grouped together in one class which has made DD assume she's done something wrong as has been separated.

We've been into school to understand why abc teacher feels the mix will be better, we agree in the long run as lots of arguments in current class.

However DD is besides herself, not eating not sleeping so so sad. Friends are so important to her and she already dislikes school.

Whilst the mix might work eventually I'm worried the trauma its causing is outweighing and positives and I'm genuinely concerned for her mental health.

Have school got it wrong and I push for her to be moved?

OP posts:
outdooryone · 14/07/2023 13:27

I argued and fought for one of mine to be in a class with two friends.
They all then fell out, and have never kept in touch. He built a new friendship with a new set of friends, and next week two of them (now 18) head off to travel the world together for a year.
I suggest they meet friends at break etc - in class they perhaps have other priorities.

sunglassesonthetable · 14/07/2023 13:29

maintaining friendships is not the teacher's job. Children maintain their own friendships, they don't need teacher's to do it for them, and they don't need to be in the same class.

hmmm, sink or swim eh

I seem to have maintained my closest school friendships over half a century now, even though we were put in different classes, in one case at the age of 9, and in one case at the age of 11.

How to Keep Friends at 50. Sorry but is this really relevant to an 8 yr old??

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 14/07/2023 13:30

orangeleavesinautumn · 14/07/2023 13:20

maintaining friendships is not the teacher's job. Children maintain their own friendships, they don't need teacher's to do it for them, and they don't need to be in the same class.

I seem to have maintained my closest school friendships over half a century now, even though we were put in different classes, in one case at the age of 9, and in one case at the age of 11.

Show quote history

I'm very much aware it is not the teachers job but experience has shown me that there can be both positive and negative consequences to mixing classes every year, it may build resilience to some but will knock it down for others. Everyone is different so the fact that you maintained friendships is irrelevant.

orangeleavesinautumn · 14/07/2023 13:32

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 14/07/2023 13:30

I'm very much aware it is not the teachers job but experience has shown me that there can be both positive and negative consequences to mixing classes every year, it may build resilience to some but will knock it down for others. Everyone is different so the fact that you maintained friendships is irrelevant.

Show quote history

I was responding to the comment teachers don't thing maintaining friendships is important. Being put in a different class to a friend dosn't impact on maintaining that friendship, if it is a solid friendship

Sunnyespania · 14/07/2023 13:34

ReformedWaywardTeen · 14/07/2023 11:15

DD had this done to her in year 5 and worse was put with her bully (and school were aware of this dynamic and clearly didn't care that playtime bullying would escalate to class time as well).

I used the resilience line at the time. Resilience is a crock of shit made up to make parents and pupils look bad for questioning when kids are treated poorly in my opinion ever since.

We left by March of that year and DD was traumatized and was home educated until the September of year 6 when we finally got them to agree to slowly reintegrate into a small school.

Tell school that you do not agree with them using your DD as the guinea pig for splitting one from the group. She's clearly not solely responsible for any minor disagreements in the group, that's just girls and friendships. And suggest she have a fair split of the group.

exactly the same experience I had. It destroyed my child. Fight it all the way.

JulieHoney · 14/07/2023 13:35

Trauma, not eating or sleeping, mentally breaking children…

Your own reaction is very melodramatic, OP - perhaps becoming resilient is something for both of you.

This is a very common and usually productive reshuffle of classes. Nothing stops your DD from having friends in the other classes.

She’s 8. There are a lot of new friendships formed at this age.

Foxesandsquirrels · 14/07/2023 13:38

I really wish people would stop using words like trauma so lightly. This isn't traumatic. You need to help your child work through this disappointment. It is just that. This is exactly the sort of thing that will help her build resilience as it has a very high chance of having a positive effect on her. She will see that and look back and think ah it wasn't so bad. If you're reacting equally as dramatically she will be getting stressed. Chill.

dreamonlucid · 14/07/2023 13:39

God help her when something really serious happens in her life.

Please just back off and give her the tools to navigate situations that don't work for her, otherwise you are developing yet another entitled brat to add to the future workplace and trust me it's already saturated with young adults who can't cope with anything that mildly inconveniences them.

And this is where is starts with parents wading in and trying to fix every minor inconvenience.

Foxesandsquirrels · 14/07/2023 13:39

@ReformedWaywardTeen There's nothing to suggest that OPs child is moving into a class with their bully though.

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 14/07/2023 13:40

orangeleavesinautumn · 14/07/2023 13:32

I was responding to the comment teachers don't thing maintaining friendships is important. Being put in a different class to a friend dosn't impact on maintaining that friendship, if it is a solid friendship

Show quote history

Being in a different class absolutely makes a difference to friendships at that age.

WandaWonder · 14/07/2023 13:43

I heard that a lot of children's issues come from parents op you are totally reinforcing that idea

orangeleavesinautumn · 14/07/2023 13:48

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 14/07/2023 13:40

Being in a different class absolutely makes a difference to friendships at that age.

Show quote history

not a solid friend ship, a friendship of convenience, yes, but it will be replaced by other friendships of convenance. Many of us will still have school friends that were placed in a different class to us at some stage-

all children experience this

sunglassesonthetable · 14/07/2023 14:14

not a solid friend ship, a friendship of convenience, yes

Oh please. I've seen it all now.

She's 8 . Stop with the ah but is it a solid friendship ? guff.

Who cares. A friendship of convenience my arse. She doesn't know! She just has friends.

You're in your 50s you've worked it out. Stop comparing your friendships to this child's.

NeedToBookAGetaway · 14/07/2023 14:17

In the nicest way, She'll get over it.

Happened to my eldest so have been there and its hard.

Coffeeisnecessary · 14/07/2023 14:22

School did this to my son in year 6,I'll admit I was a bit grumpy about it and tried to see if it could be changed, however it's all a distant memory now, he was fine after a few unsettled months. If anything it probably helped with the big change of going to secondary as he settled really well with no problems making new friends. Maybe because he felt he had practice with that already? Don't make it into a big deal with her.

MrsPPP · 14/07/2023 14:25

My children all went to a different high school from their primary school friends. They worried a little before the first day but came home with so much to tell me.
It was the best decision for them and they have so much ease now making new friends and acquaintances.

My oldest has finished school now, and I think that if he had gone to the same school as his primary school friends, he wouldn’t be where he is now as he would have clung to them, possibly got into trouble and wouldn’t have built up social resilience.

Ionacat · 14/07/2023 14:47

The best way to approach this with the school, is to speak to her current teacher and explain your DD is struggling with transition to next year with the change in classes. Ask what support can be put in place now and what support can be put in place in September. Try and arrange lots of play dates over the summer with her current friends and some in the new class where you can. Be positive - it sounds like it will be good in the long term, but it’s very hard seeing your child upset.

Quite a few schools do this every year and the pupils get used to it. Both my DDs knew/know it’s coming - we’ve always been breezy about it well lesson time is for learning and you’re often in different groups in lessons anyway. We’ve always encouraged a wide circle of friends and both my DDs have several different friendship groups.

orangeleavesinautumn · 14/07/2023 15:54

sunglassesonthetable · 14/07/2023 14:14

not a solid friend ship, a friendship of convenience, yes

Oh please. I've seen it all now.

She's 8 . Stop with the ah but is it a solid friendship ? guff.

Who cares. A friendship of convenience my arse. She doesn't know! She just has friends.

You're in your 50s you've worked it out. Stop comparing your friendships to this child's.

children have solid friendships and friendships of convenience, just like adults.

If two friends are truly long term compatible, being placed in different classes won't affect that

sunglassesonthetable · 14/07/2023 16:22

*children have solid friendships and friendships of convenience, just like adults.

If two friends are truly long term compatible, being placed in different classes won't affect that*

Excellent advice for a sad child. 🙄

"just hang on in there. You'll see which ones are just for convenience... "

Testina · 14/07/2023 16:27

princeofegypt · 14/07/2023 11:15

So to build resilience we should mentally break children?

No, to build resilience we should stop teaching them that an ordinary suck-it-up part of life means mentally breaking someone.

PeggyPoggle · 14/07/2023 16:39

With the amount of dramatic parents there are on this thread, there's no wonder so many kids are struggling at the moment.

sunglassesonthetable · 14/07/2023 16:43

Dear Peggy 🙄

Ladybrrrd · 14/07/2023 16:49

It shouldn't make amy difference in class as she'll be learning and shouldn't be chatting! Remind her that she'll see her friends in the playground and it's a great opportunity to make new friends. I guarantee you they won't change their minds so you need to get her used to the idea. She'll get over it in time.

CindersAgain · 14/07/2023 16:52

I’d point out to her that she hasn’t done anything wrong, as she has been out with one person that she put on her list.

CindersAgain · 14/07/2023 16:52

*put