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AIBU?

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Original poster

Have school got this wrong?

117 replies

princeofegypt · 14/07/2023 10:57

DD 8, class mix up at school.

She's not been moved with any of her friends. Literally her new class has one person she's is friendly with, DD wrote them on her 'list' as they were sat next to each other that day.

Three form entry school, across the year DD has lots of friends, they've all been grouped together in one class which has made DD assume she's done something wrong as has been separated.

We've been into school to understand why abc teacher feels the mix will be better, we agree in the long run as lots of arguments in current class.

However DD is besides herself, not eating not sleeping so so sad. Friends are so important to her and she already dislikes school.

Whilst the mix might work eventually I'm worried the trauma its causing is outweighing and positives and I'm genuinely concerned for her mental health.

Have school got it wrong and I push for her to be moved?

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 14/07/2023 16:55

The suggestion of reaching out to the mums (or dads) of those who the OPs DD will be with next school year is a good one. Supporting through change not trying to avoid it.

cansu · 14/07/2023 16:58

Mentally broken is a very OTT phrase to describe the disappointment of being in a different class. You say she has a friend that she put on her list. You should be bigging up the positives and distracting her. Talking about her being mentally broken is utterly ridiculous.

sunglassesonthetable · 14/07/2023 17:00

I guarantee you they won't change their minds so you need to get her used to the idea.

Fact or Opinion?

Ladybrrrd · 14/07/2023 17:07

Fact or Opinion?

If they do I'd eat my hat. It's almost a certainty and it's not worth fighting it. I've worked in schools for over a decade and I've been the one making the decisions and dealing with complaints. Its unfortunate that she's unhappy, but the school has made the moves for a reason, will have spent ages drawing up the plans, and are very, very unlikely to change it. If they let one change they'd be opening the floodgates for more.

As I said, she'll have plenty of time in the playground to chat with her friends and play games.

sunglassesonthetable · 14/07/2023 17:21

My child was moved and it wasn't a spectacularly unusual occurrence. Just for balance .

sunglassesonthetable · 14/07/2023 17:22

And the here was no "fight" just a discussion.

Gilmorehill · 14/07/2023 17:24

princeofegypt · 14/07/2023 11:15

So to build resilience we should mentally break children?

No your child will not be broken. However you are not helping her if this is your attitude to the situation. You need to exhibit a positive, optimistic attitude and that will help her.

ReformedWaywardTeen · 14/07/2023 17:25

Foxesandsquirrels · 14/07/2023 13:39

@ReformedWaywardTeen There's nothing to suggest that OPs child is moving into a class with their bully though.

Maybe not, but the child is so upset it's effecting their general well being, which could mark them out for bullying. With their friends in the other classes, she will have no support.

ReformedWaywardTeen · 14/07/2023 17:27

PeggyPoggle · 14/07/2023 16:39

With the amount of dramatic parents there are on this thread, there's no wonder so many kids are struggling at the moment.

Hardly dramatic in my case, I was speaking directly from lived experience. I took my DD several years to get over the awful events at their primary school, including specialist mentoring for two years at secondary, all because her useless school decided to blame her "lack of resilience".

booksandbrooks · 14/07/2023 17:27

Kids vibe off their parent's reactions so it's your job to keep it calm and look to the positive. Whilst still being empathetic.

Class mixing is a complicated process weighing up many different needs as well as diversity and inclusion.

Of course it's nice to be with your friends but you don't get put in sets at secondary based on your chums so as painful as it is now, it's good practice as you can't avoid it forever. Help her deal with it proactively now. Plan regular play dates with friends in other class/ make friendship bracelets etc. At the end of the day she's in the classroom to learn and presumably they can still play at break.

It's highly possible the school think her friendship group are holding her back and she'll thrive in a new group.

Floralnomad · 14/07/2023 17:28

You are making this worse by allowing it to be a drama instead of putting a positive spin on it . The school have to arrange around 90 children ( 3 form) you cannot keep everyone happy . There is a lot more to balancing the classes than keeping people with all their friends .

Foxesandsquirrels · 14/07/2023 17:29

ReformedWaywardTeen · 14/07/2023 17:25

Maybe not, but the child is so upset it's effecting their general well being, which could mark them out for bullying. With their friends in the other classes, she will have no support.

Show quote history

You are positively joking?

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 14/07/2023 17:52

Oh OP, I know it feels like the end of the world for your daughter, but she'll soon settle in to her new class and all this worry will soon be forgotten.

berksandbeyond · 14/07/2023 17:53

She got put with someone she wrote down? So you can’t really complain. I agree with building resilience. Sounds like you need to build some too..

NerrSnerr · 14/07/2023 17:53

My daughter was in a different class this year from all of her friends (year 4). She still plays with the others but has a load of new friends. It is been fine and I'm glad it happened. Will make the move to secondary easier I think, knowing that it's not the end of the world to not be with who they want to be

Postapocalypticcowgirl · 14/07/2023 18:01

There may be lots of reasons the school have done this, including perhaps people in the other class asking to be separated for some reason.

As others have said, in a lot of schools no matter how much you complain, nothing will change - you don't have a right to insist your child is in a certain class - that wouldn't be workable!

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 14/07/2023 18:27

Ladybrrrd · 14/07/2023 16:49

It shouldn't make amy difference in class as she'll be learning and shouldn't be chatting! Remind her that she'll see her friends in the playground and it's a great opportunity to make new friends. I guarantee you they won't change their minds so you need to get her used to the idea. She'll get over it in time.

Interaction between peers was a major part of learning when my daughter's were in primary and what they are doing and who they are interacting with in class, does extend to the playground. A lot of children will cope fine and just get on with it but some children will struggle greatly with the changes and that can have lasting effects.

Ladybrrrd · 14/07/2023 18:55

Interaction between peers was a major part of learning when my daughter's were in primary and what they are doing and who they are interacting with in class, does extend to the playground. A lot of children will cope fine and just get on with it but some children will struggle greatly with the changes and that can have lasting effects.

I absolutely agree learning with peers is a great way to learn - and this is a great opportunity to show her that it's important to be able to interact with all sorts of different people when she's learning/working. I'd like to see my bosses reaction if got very upset and teary when changing teams!

What will have lasting affects is adults around her becoming upset with her and acting as though she has a choice in the matter. I understand she's struggling, it's of course okay for her to express her upset, but at some point she will have to get on with it. And she will. She'll make new friends and it will be fine. There is no alternative, lest the parents pulls her out of school! In the grand scheme of things, she ought to know that actually nothing terrible is happening to her.

sunglassesonthetable · 14/07/2023 19:01

I'd like to see my bosses reaction if got very upset and teary when changing teams!

Sorry but this exactly the kind of comment that really grates.

You realise the child is 8 don't you?

ElinoristhenewEnid · 14/07/2023 19:11

When I read these threads I am so grateful that my dcs school only had one form per year so that he children stayed together for the whole of their primary years.

DiddlyDonut · 14/07/2023 19:19

I'd say something.

Different age range but when moving to upper school in year 9/age 13 I was the only girl from my school in my class. We had been promised each class would have a minimum 2 boys/2 girls from our school in it. That didn't happen for me although some classes had multiple girls from the school in it.
I really struggled in year 9 as most classes were tutor group based the two other feeder schools had lots of girls in pre-formed cliques and didn't want to interact despite my best efforts.

I actually wasn't phased initially when learning I'd be the only girl from my school, it was only when I couldn't seem to break into their friendship groups despite my best efforts that it got to me.

If your DD is already concerned yes definitely do raise it as an issue, it's easier to sort now than in the new school year.

WimbledonHasselhoff · 14/07/2023 19:46

I can't believe the lack of empathy from some posters here.
What everyone seems to be missing is that the rest of the group of friends are all together in another class. To separate off the child who already finds school difficult is unpleasant and unfair. Some kids might find the situation fine, others won't - but we already have a clue that this is one child who won't, so why are they the one separated off?

MrsSucculent · 14/07/2023 19:59

It seems like you’d already made up your mind before you posted…

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 14/07/2023 20:40

I'd like to see my bosses reaction if got very upset and teary when changing teams

The children struggling with things like this probably aren't crying to their teacher. They will be crying themselves to sleep and struggling to get ready in the morning due to the anxiety they are feeling.

Ladybrrrd · 14/07/2023 20:44

You realise the child is 8 don't you?

Of course I do! So we expect them to overreact to things or be emotional. That's not the issue, we don't chastise them for feeling that way. Be sympathetic and understanding, no question. But to a point.
The point is that as adults it should be our responsibility to teach them that there are better ways to think of things and react. That we should think about how big of an issue something actually is, and that there are certain things that are out of our control and we have to deal with it.

Otherwise , you really do end up with adults that throw tantrums because they can't work with their friends!