Have school got this wrong?

[princeofegypt]

DD 8, class mix up at school.

She's not been moved with any of her friends. Literally her new class has one person she's is friendly with, DD wrote them on her 'list' as they were sat next to each other that day.

Three form entry school, across the year DD has lots of friends, they've all been grouped together in one class which has made DD assume she's done something wrong as has been separated.

We've been into school to understand why abc teacher feels the mix will be better, we agree in the long run as lots of arguments in current class.

However DD is besides herself, not eating not sleeping so so sad. Friends are so important to her and she already dislikes school.

Whilst the mix might work eventually I'm worried the trauma its causing is outweighing and positives and I'm genuinely concerned for her mental health.

Have school got it wrong and I push for her to be moved?

Ime this sort of thing happens where other parents have expressed a wish to expand away from a friendship, or there are behaviours/imbalances going on that are unhelpful.

Could either of those be the case? Junior girls "friendships" can be toxic, driven by a desire to maintain status quo, often led by unpleasant dominant behaviours from some towards others, downright nastiness and power plays.

If your daughter is in a popular girl group and is either perhaps overly dominant OR getting overruled a lot by others teachers will sometimes wisely separate it.

But also yabu to call this trauma. Its not healthy for an 8 year old to be so devastated by this, she shouldn't be so invested! She's at school to learn and have fun and will do whichever class she's in. Remind her everyone has the potential to be a new friend.

It feels like the worst thing in the world now, but it's not. She won't be able to be with her friends forever. I speak to nobody from primary school now, not one person, yet I was heartbroken when I wasn't in the same form with anyone I knew at secondary school (we still saw each other in some lessons, and socially etc).

Honestly. It'll be tough, but very, very soon it just won't matter.

We've had this recently for some of the girls at our school. Yes it's upsetting, and trauma is subjective so perhaps it does feel traumatic. However it's a necessary trauma and life will be filled with them, we need to be building more resilience as others have said. There is usually a LOT of planning and re planning that goes into groups. It's taken us half a term to determine groupings for next year, and some people won't be happy. It's really difficult. You can support your daughter with this, help her feel validated but also learn to move on from things outside her control that aren't going to cause significant harm to her.

If you intervene now, you will not be helping her develop her own coping strategies to help her through disappointment. In 2/3 years she will be moving to secondary which is a far harder transition than a class swap where they will still have playtimes and lunchtimes to interact with each other.

While I empathize with your child's disappointment, I wonder whether the school can provide a satisfactory (to you) response that doesn't simply make this another family's problem.

Let's say the school moves DC into the class with the majority of her current friends. What happens to the one friend she has in her current placement who is now potentially without any of the friends she requested? The school told families that their children would be placed with at least one of those choices, so now more movement is needed. Each change ripples because classes have finite numbers - someone moves in, so someone else moves out. What seems like a simple move could impact multiple families whose children have similar responses to yours. The school changed for one parent, so now they've set a precedent for the rest.

You're well within your rights to say you couldn't care less about other children as long as yours is happy, but the school has to consider all of them. This is likely why so many schools refuse to make class list changes.

See it as a positive. I have had a daughter in the same position- separated out completely from friends and the only one who was. It's worked well for her in being able to build new friendships, and because we were positive regarding it, although disappointed and upset initially she didn't wallow in it. Have ensured plenty of catch ups with the girls who all ended up in the same class, and time spent with them, but she is doing well and has moved on. I think how you as a parent frames it really helps.

Maybe her friends parents have asked for their kids to not be with yours

You need to have another meeting with the school/teacher. Find out why, because if your daughter was separated from her friends due to a few arguments that most likely means your daughter is the one causing the issues.

If it’s not the reason (and this needs to come from school not your observations) then I would keep pushing.

My daughter and a few other girls in the class were bullied by one girl in their friend group. The parents of the bullied kids went and spoke to the school and the following year the bully was put in a different class.
If this is the reason your daughter will just have to deal with the consequences of her actions.

😂

Tad dramatic maybe.

Trust the professionals!!

The heads know what they’re doing even if it doesn’t feel like it now. They’ll be a reason- and it’ll all work out.

Come back next June and update us on this same thread and I bet you things will be different.
They always are even though it feels like they are terrible now. I’ve been there with my own children, I really have and your daughter will be absolutely fine 💕

Some ppl here are just deranged. If every single change is treated as a "trauma" designed to "mentally abuse" children and resilience is just an excuse for children badly, it is no wonder young people are rife with anything anxiety and mental illness.

How are they supposed to learn to cope with difficulties of life and actually traumatic events if parents act like moving class is a huge crisis??

At a teacher of much older children I'm more recently seeing the impact of not building children's resilience in what is normal childhood disappointments. Students getting so worked up about normal exam nerves that they just opt out of exams, expecting school and employers (part time jobs and work experience) to let them opt out of bits they don't like. Not building resilience is really causing problems down the line for these soon to be adults

This happened to my dds partly because they are twins, we had a 2 form entry and they asked to be separated. Dd1 got the rougher end of the stick because she was the more socially able so went into the class with fewer friends. They both managed ok although dd2 had a tough time in yr 6 (Covid anyway).

It then happened to dd1 again in yr 8 at secondary (nothing to do with her sister). We talked to school who were reluctant to do anything immediately and kept a watching brief on it. There is no denying she found it difficult but she kept her best friendships going in breaks and has made some other friends in class. She's actually got a good circle of mates now so has options which is no bad thing in the maelstrom of yr 8/9 girl social issues.

I am actually incredibly proud of her, she really kept on battling and has had a great year of progress academically as well. She's grown up tremendously and has a sense of independence that many of her mates don't have. Plus I knew if it got too awful school would move, they just wanted her to try first.

I agree that building resilience is important but removing a child from their friends and leaving them to get on with it, isn't building resilience. I think it would be good if schools could do more throughout the year rather than the children getting told right before they break up, then they have the summer to worry and a difficult few weeks at the start to either adapt or not because you have to remember it is not certain that children will make new friends.

I got split from my friendship group when moving to high school. They moved me with 1 friend who always had days off so id often be on my own until lunch and break times it was horrendous. I was so shy at school and i tried making friends with others but struggled and my anxiety spiralled and ended up having panic attacks before school and refused to go. My parents were not supportive in anyway so of corse that didnt help but i think the whole building resilience thing will work but it completely depends on the child, it will break some... like me!

Atleast if you try and talk to the school and make them aware of the problem even if they wont move her they may help support her and your daughter will also see that you atleast tried to help the situation and your taking her feelings seriously.
Good luck

That's a bit dramatic. Instead of being dramatic (which your child will pick up on) you teach them the skills needed to build up their resilience to situations like this.

Some great suggestions on here already as how to do that. I would also point out that it's only class time - she can still she her friends at break/lunch/after school.

And if there are arguments within the friendship group it really might be for the best.

That sadly can come with its own set of problems, especially if there is a bully in the class.

My dd (age 7) school have started mixing classes every year. Last year was the first year and dd was split from her girl group of friends and put with a boy she was friendly with. She was upset at first but soon got over it and made quite a few new friends in the class which was nice. This year she’s back with a few of the friends from the first class. Next year she might not be. But by the end of primary school she’ll know all the kids in her year really well and have friendships with many more children. They didn’t adopt this practice with my older dd who was stuck in the same class as girls she didn’t particularly gel with for the whole of primary school so I prefer the mixing of the classes approach.

As you feel so strongly, I would suggest you at least talk to the school to find out their reasoning. I work in a 3 form entry and we have a policy of mixing classes at the end of year 3. There are many factors to consider when trying to balance classes - attainment, SEN, gender, ethnic groups, behaviour, pupil relationships etc - as well as friendships.

I have to say we wouldn't change anything based on a parental complaint because we go through a thorough process, mixing the children beforehand so the teachers can get a sense of the new mix etc. Also because if we did for one child, probably many others would want changes too. And in our case,the classes are generally full so to move one means someone else would have to swap too.

PPs are right. You need to present it positively. She can still keep all the friends she had before and see them at break times plus she gets to make new friends. Perhaps a difficult child who bothers her or the ones who caused the most arguments are now in a different class. She's upset now and will have a long break to worry about it in, so you need to pount out these positives and I'm sure she will settle next term.

My DD is in a small school with mixed aged classes. She is the only girl in her year and isn’t interested in playing with boys so every year she has a reshuffle of friends. It has been really good for her in that she is very flexible socially, but it is a hurdle to get over every time and she needs help seeing it in perspective.

I would add that she may need support from school and you to maintain old friendships and build new ones. So if they won’t re-think it would be worth asking if you can make a plan together for how to support her. Maybe she’d feel better with a buddy or something.

I'm sorry that your daughter is so upset. My experience is that the friendships of 8 year old girls are very fluid. More than one parent has complained to me that you ask your child to do a birthday party list and come the party 6 weeks later it's not who their child wants there any more. You could fight to keep your daughter with current friendship group but you say yourself that the group is turbulent so in a matter of weeks next year the group could fall apart and your daughter have made new friends anyway. I would get a new class list going and arrange some meetups in the park over the summer and talk excitedly to your child about these new friends. Mixing classes happens in most primary schools and is a good way of dispersing cliques with bad dynamics. My daughter didn't want her clique of 4 years to be disbanded but when it was she realized she was hugely relieved as it had become a bit toxic.

My DS1 is 8 and struggles with school at times. I was surprised that last year for Y3 he was split from a child who he was best friends with since nursery. He has fared absolutely fine in his class and in fact it has encouraged him to make new friends, so it has turned out to be a good thing. He has been split from a different friend for Y4 but it doesn't bother him because they can still play together at break and lunch times.