Don't understand how you be happy after children grow up

[tikitikitembonoSaRembo]

I know it's not normal but I can't understand people who don't feel this way, but I want to.

My two children are beginning to do many more things without me as they grow, want to be alone. I've realised I don't spend half the time with them I used to.

I was a very hands on mother, didn't work during the first few years, then worked around school and would take them out twice a week, spend Saturdays playing with them.

I even have things in my own life. I'm part of a local group which I love and I still work but I feel like my identity and life are slipping away and I don't know how to be happy without being my children's world.

Maybe I messed up along the way but it's this crippling depression.

I know I can go out, meet people, stay up late etc. as I become free of my children, but I don't want to be free of them. I should have had six and gave my life to it but I realised too late that I loved being a mother and only had two.

I'm single and I own my home so could sell up in a few years I suppose, but I don't want to, all our memories are in this house.

I don't feel my children are my whole identity but they are the best thing about my life and I don't think anything could trump it.

One of the best replies EVER!!

I feel the same and my DD is only 3! It's not that I want her to need me, I just love her so much and feel bereft at the idea of not seeing her every day and hope we don't grow apart. I have a very full life and a wonderful job, I love travelling and have hobbies etc etc. It seems natural to me that mothers must feel like this, but I also have a sub par relationship with my partner and a terrible relationship with my mother so it's likely that has an impact here. Are there other relationships in your life that mean you look for more from your kids? I'm very worried about turning into one of those overbearing meddling mums and making my DD want to escape me.

Op, I raised my child on my own and I always thought that despite having a life apart from being a mother, I was going to be devastated when my child moved out.

I dropped him at uni thinking I was going to cry all the way back just to realise it just felt like the little bird I had been preparing to go into the wild was happily and confidently prepared to fly away. I was so happy for him.

Coming back home to a life with fewer responsibilities has been a treat. I can go out when I want, cook what I want, work in whatever I want without having to worry about meal times, school times or where the hell he is if he has not come back after midnight. The money goes much further so I am also enjoying meeting more often with my friends and pursuing my own interests.

You may be surprised, after putting your children first for so long you may find the time they start needing their space and time away from you is just what you need to turn yourself around and re invent yourself.

For me there was a time when I realised that I wasn't the centre of their world any more and they didn't need me in quite the same way and that was a bit sad, but surely you bring them up to be independent and make their own way and if they manage that then that's an amazing achievement as a parent?

Mine are 22 and 24 and I absolutely love them to bits but they have moved away and that's fine. I am still their Mum but now I have more time for my own life, a career and hobbies. I cherish their visits home and I do worry about them sometimes but they know we are here if they need us. They both are fiercely independent and would hate me being sad because I was missing them.

What's your relationship history, OP? Are you seeing anyone? You sound lonely. Young children keep us so busy that perhaps there wasn't time to notice the void. But a 'life partner' is just that, someone to spend the rest of your life with. Children come and grow and go.

Tikitik, I totally get what you are feeling. I loved the early years and now my 12 and 13 year old are just happy to amuse themselves I hardly see them apart from at meals and I feel so sad about it. I feel like I am grieving for a stage of life when I was truly content and fulfilled and it is behind me now. I honestly felt so happy as a stay home mum for 6-7 years I used to get out and about doing stuff, and I just loved being with little kids and now it's different. My husband is lovely company, I have a well paid job but I feel such melancholy, hitting the perimenopause and I just feel teary nostalgia for the days when they were younger. When I see flashback FB posts of them when they were younger I can cry. Not everyone loves 1-10 in the same way so not everyone gets this feeling and some people are just wired differently and frankly I wish I had their wiring.

I also think my poor mum must have had these feelings as I glibly went off at various stages and I wish she was around so I could say I was sorry for not being more sensitive towards her at those times, as I was just excited about what I was going off to do.

That's what I take from this too. Yeah OP we get it, you love your children more than any other parent. I have friends who are completely enmeshed with their adult children (although one DC is trying to break away) and it's really unhealthy.

I get this stage is bittersweet but are you not proud of the people they are becoming? It means we have done our job right. Plus it really is a treat having grown up conversations and outings etc with them. I was like you, absolutely thrived in motherhood. My children gave my life meaning and purpose. They still do in a different way. I am concerned that you see no value in your children or your role as Mum just because they are becoming less dependent on you. Maybe you should get counselling.

My youngest DC is 18 and off to Uni in Sept. My eldest has already left for Uni. I feel such joy, pride and happiness in my life - I now have time to travel, spend time with DH, have a wee with the door shut. Life is good. I'm incredibly close to my DC, we text or talk daily, their room is always ready if they need to pop home, but they have their lives to live. This poem describes beautifully how I feel.

Now, I follow you.
At first, I carried you. Then I walked beside you. Then I followed close behind. But now, I follow you from some distance. I’ve dropped back to where I belong at this particular mile marker of your journey.
Now, it’s time for you to take the lead and for me to trust I protected you well enough when I carried you and when we walked side-by-side for you to feel secure out in front.
But I’m still here, and that helps us both. I’m a few miles back, watching you do your thing. Watching you choose, navigate, figure out. You are capable, careful, and considerate. It is a privilege to see.
As an observer of your life, I am not displaced; I am in the right place. I’m a text or a phone call or a FaceTime chat or, sometimes, an overnight drive away. Letting you go gradually is what helps you do it well and me to do it at all.
This is love that has loosened its grip. This is love that will always hold on, just more loosely. This is love that has an open palm outstretched, in case you need to grab onto it again.
This is love still at the ready, so that if you say, “Are you coming, mama?” as often as possible, for as long as possible, my answer will be, “Yes, I’m coming. I’ll be there soon.”
Elizabeth Spence

if its any help, i never stopped needing my mom.

she just shifted from mom to treasured friend. We live together now, she's one of my best friends (for all she drives me nuts at times)

TBh, i find it hard to relate to what you're feeling though.. my kids are both mid-late teens and i relish the freedom i have when have time to spend with my boyfriend and friends away from them.

I want to stop being 'mom' and shift to 'friend' and i look forward to when that'll happen with my daughter, my son might take longer as he has some disabilities and i'm also his Carer, so my 'parent' role could last a long, long time past his 21st.

I do think it wouldn't hurt for you to have some therapy and talk through your feelings, but i also dont think, once you've done that, its an awful idea to look into Fostering if being a parent is so rewarding for you. Its not WRONG to feel that way, but its not entirely healthy to be equating to them growing up/moving on with their lives as slow bereavement.

I feel the same OP. You are not alone. I am so glad you voiced this fear. I wake up at night panicking about this. I know it’s not normal but I don’t know how I will adjust to this new life. Nothing else even seems fun compared to that part of my life. I don’t want to fill my time with random things. It all seems so unfulfilling in comparison. I am with you and need to hear positive stories of adjustment.

I agree with you. I remember parents at nursery drop offs who were visibly narked when their kids didn’t get upset when the parent left, they were the same over protective loons who put trackers on their kids phones and sat at the back of the cinema watching their kids trying to enjoy themselves with their friends. Any suggestion that this behaviour was unhealthy was countered with the assertion that they just loved their children soooo much, ie more than you. Utter horseshit, it’s selfish and wrong.

Op. Children are far more perceptive than you think and you are likely already putting pressure on them.

My children are my world. But, my job as a parent, is to make sure they are well equipped to go into.the world and live their lives.

2 of mine have left home and they are truly flying. Guess what? They still come home, still message, send me photos and videos of the things they want to share. We hang out at the pub sometimes. They still hang out with their younger siblings.

They are living their lives and mine is all the richer and better for it.

I just don't get this at all. Children are meant to grow and separate, that means we have done our job and our children are healthy. Some children and parents never get the chance to be in this situation @tikitikitembonoSaRembo this thread is a bit distasteful.

It sounds like you do need a little help, OP. I understand to a certain degree how you feel, but at the same time I’m looking forward to them being grown up. I love that my now teens go away with me on weekend breaks and we stay up late etc. Try to find the joy in the next adventure. Grandchildren, holidays with adult children.

I felt more like you at one point but now I wish they would leave . I did run away and dd followed me, the dsd moved in! One is independent, youngest.

Once they reach independence you naturally adapt to be ready in my experience. I met dp and we have a great life, the kids still tag along which is lovely I suppose

It can be so hard when children grow up and leave home. They are the centre of your world and then one day, they are off and away, and you feel that you aren't needed any more. But they still need their Mum, however grown-up and independent they are. You can still play a big part in their life, and they will still turn to you for love, advice and support. You can be proud of their achievements and enjoy seeing how they grow and develop their own interests and paths in life.
Having your own life (be that a job, interesting hobbies, volunteering, friends etc) is a positive thing - you can set a great example for your children of how to be busy and fulfilled at the same time as being there for them when they need you.

I still work a few hours a day, we have a dog and I volunteer about six times a month. The house still feels empty at times but we've done our job, they have flown the nest.

My children are adults with children of their own and I am a widow. I live alone a few miles away from dd. Today I watched the tennis with dd and dsil . I ate a lovely roast dinner cooked by dsil and enjoyed hearing the adventures of my teenage grandchildren. Every phase of life can have happiness and fulfilment and you can share the stages of your dc life. You can be proud of the wonderful adults you have raised and go on loving and supporting them as they will love and support you for the rest of your life.

Children should enhance our lives, not dominate them.

I think yours have dominated yours and it’s interesting that you’re single. You do sound depressed.

Do something out of your comfort zone each week. Try to get some zest for life

Awwww you sound lovely and I'm sure your kids will love you back and will continue to be in your life. It'll just be different as you won't have to parent them and your relationship will change as you give them space. I'm sure you'll adapt. The love will still be there and they'll still be your babies. XXXX

You don’t mention a partner. Do you not find joy and fulfilment doing things with him/her?
I don’t think your mindset is healthy, sorry op. I’ve got 4 adult children. Yes, I agree seeing them grow so fast is bitter sweet, but you take joy in their accomplishments, feeling proud that you helped make them happy and well rounded adults (or most of them in my case). I hope you find a way to manage your feelings.

There’s different enjoyment from different stages of life. I feel like the time seeing my dc grow will probably be my favourite years but I plan to travel with dh once they’ve grown. Dh and I also would like to become emergency foster carers at some point too. I guess it’s about having a purpose. I know my mum loved the pre school and primary years whereas I’m actually preferring secondary age dc. I love how close we are. I’ll miss that but hope we remain close as they grow.

It's a bit harsh to say to thread is distasteful as some kids don't get to grown up, I mean we could apply that to almost any thread.
I think some of us are more sentimental maybe more melancholic by nature, of course it does not mean we love our kids more than those that shed not a tear when they see the kids off but the OP just is seeking support from those who have felt like she has, and of cours enot everyone does feel this way but let's be gentle...