Don't understand how you be happy after children grow up

[tikitikitembonoSaRembo]

I know it's not normal but I can't understand people who don't feel this way, but I want to.

My two children are beginning to do many more things without me as they grow, want to be alone. I've realised I don't spend half the time with them I used to.

I was a very hands on mother, didn't work during the first few years, then worked around school and would take them out twice a week, spend Saturdays playing with them.

I even have things in my own life. I'm part of a local group which I love and I still work but I feel like my identity and life are slipping away and I don't know how to be happy without being my children's world.

Maybe I messed up along the way but it's this crippling depression.

I know I can go out, meet people, stay up late etc. as I become free of my children, but I don't want to be free of them. I should have had six and gave my life to it but I realised too late that I loved being a mother and only had two.

I'm single and I own my home so could sell up in a few years I suppose, but I don't want to, all our memories are in this house.

I don't feel my children are my whole identity but they are the best thing about my life and I don't think anything could trump it.

I feel similar, didn't expect to become a mum as I never really had many boyfriends and it came late in life. I embraced it wholeheartedly and like you worked around them and their needs,

I can't imagine everyday life without them and wonder if I've been too involved.

What's patronising, it's a lovely post, I could've written it if not @MysteryBelle . Do you always find positivity and empathy patronising? What a sad view of the world.

Op, ignore haters. I have a similar aged dd and feel the same. You don't have mental problems and you don't need to see a therapist. It's common, and many moms feel this way. One thing from me, I also was sad when I thought she wasn't going to be a baby anymore but toddler age came which was fun. Then I thought I'd miss this a lot, and I do, but came the school age. It's always new and beautiful.
(hard work too!) and yes you might have grandchildren, you might Foster or adopt, it's a wonderful thing to give your love to another. Ignore those miserable "patronisers" who say you shouldn't Foster bla bla bla. They all know soooo much.

I find @MysteryBelles post' patronising because it assumes that mums who are not miserable about their DC growing up and becoming independent love them less and never had that "deep connection with their children".

I don't have any answers for you but wanted to say you do need to get this sorted in your head before they are of an age they leave home. My youngest left home last year and eldest the year before and it hit me very hard. I wouldn't have said I felt the same as you in the years before that, they were/are my world but I have a good life aside from them - but empty nest syndrome is very real and truly horrible.

I don’t feel this way at all - my DC are 19,17 and 13 and I’m enjoying having more time for myself. And we have a dog who loves me very much. I also feel my career took a back step for years so I’m getting into that, plus I have a time consuming gym habit. I think need to find new ways to keep busy.

I understand OP. My children have been my world, since the day I had my first DC. I also worked around them, when they were younger. Getting divorced has been a struggle from the point of view that I have been unable to be there for my youngest, as I would have chosen to be. However, as mine have grown older, our relationship has changed. We are still very close, indeed as I am with my own parents and siblings. My children are very close with each other as well, but they’ve developed into their own people, with their own personalities. All so different to each, and yet all so very much loved. Two have left home, but we meet up regularly. Some of them have their own partners, who I love as well. In fact, one of them now lives in the family home with us.
My youngest, is a similar age to your oldest, and it’s a difficult age. They pull away from you, as they find their feet and their own way in life, but they will come back to you if you give them their space and support them, rather than trying to smother them with your own expectations of who and what they should be. (Not that I’m suggesting that you are doing that). Have faith in your parenting, they’ll be ok, and so will you.

My kids are at uni. I am single
NO COOKING
NO COOKING.
NO thinking about evening meal constantly
That offsets the quiet house.
Just to be clear
NO EFFING COOKING
If they leave Independent you have done your job as a parent
I have joined a new club, gone out drinking til late, dated, behaved disgracefully, exercised.
Had to embrace it

The OP does not need therapy!! This is a totally normal feeling, i felt this way for some time and do you know what , it passes, you change as they change, mine are now both leaving soon and i am fine now, i no longer feel that constant need to be needed, in fact i don't want to be needed too much, I'm happy watching them go off now and Iive life, love my own time and don't feel that 'void' now, but as few years back i would be very different,
Just enjoy it now and you will find you just change and adapt anyway over time xx

love this one at uni and another going soon, this will be me...

My children are 11 and 9 now and I can't tell you how much I miss the younger days of taking them to toddler classes and being their whole world. I often feel very melancholy about it all, and they haven't even hit their teen years yet lol. I left work to be a sahm and enjoyed these years of devoting myself to raising my kids, and now I admit to feeling totally lost as they are getting older. I am currently getting back into the world of work but nothing beats the years of raising my kids. Many parents feel a loss of purpose when their kids grow up, it is perfecrty natural. One minute your chidlren are your whole life, 24/7 and then wham, they grow up and you are left with a lot of time on your hands.

Go easy on yourself, it can be quite emotional watching their dependence on you fade, but as others have said, I think it is important to focus on the positives of it, because there ARE positives.

You can now do things you had no time to do before, and your new type of relationship with your children is still to.be enjoyed, but just in a different way. You need to focus now on getting involved in things like a hobby, or soemthing to throw yourself into to give yourself a new focus and purpose.

One going off to uni one entering y11.

sometimes I miss them being small. Like you OP I very much worked around them, lots of time with them, actives, trips out etc.

the dynamic is different now, but we actually have a great relationship which is evolving into a more adult one. Me and dd1 went for cocktails the other day. It was great.

you do need to make a life for yourself now. I’ve joined the gym and another class and I’m on a committee for a local group. I always try and meet with friends for coffee, dinner, drinks etc a couple of times a week. I’m actually kind of looking forward to just being able to go off wherever I like at the drop of a hat and pleasing myself after spending almost all my adult life so far raising kids.

Thank you so much!!

I was going to order a Chinese despite having had one on Friday night. You post sorted me out coz I got a bit sick into my mouth and now feel nauseous! You saved my lardy arse and my purse with your sentimental drivel! Thanks a million!

Most people feel joy and connection to their children 🙄.

But you can go about life with the expectation that you’ll get to do it all again with their children. What if they don’t have children, they love to the other side of the world, your daughter in law involves her parents more etc etc. Make a life for yourself. Don’t wait around for grandchildren you may never have.

Sorry can’t go about life with the expectation of doing it again with their children.

I do think you should talk to the GP op. You're already sad about your 9 yo moving out, comparing it to a death when I can absolutely guarantee you people like my friend would give anything to have her child grow old enough to move out, grow into adulthood, leave her behind. If their maturing feels that overwhelming, I really think you need to talk to someone

You need to look at it as quality over quantity
What kind of stuff would they enjoy doing with you? Festivals, gigs, concerts, shows etc? You need to meet them where they are.

I know it's not a sime process, but have you looked into adoption once your eldest has moved out unless you have the space already?

I’ve never been able to get on board with this kind of approach to parenting, I’m sorry you’re not coping very well op but it’s just coming across as selfish and all about you, surely seeing your children enjoying their lives and having friends is way more important than you feeling left out?

I can’t understand why people hark back to when their dc were toddlers and want to go back in time.

my dc are 22 and 26, currently on my couch playing Nintendo switch and having a right laugh. They both have loving partners and live independently but love spending time with me and dh, still come on holiday with us and go out for dinner etc.. It’s not all or nothing. I love having adult children, they’re a beautiful gift.

I have a theory on this. Left to it’s own devices, nature would likely dictate that we either weren’t around to experience our children grow into adulthood or, if we were still around, we’d likely still have young children to nurture into adulthood. My grandmother, for instance was born when her mum was 45. She had 15 older siblings (the older ones had left home by the time my grandmother was born). My mum told me that had my grandmothers father not died when my grandmother was 3, they'd likely have been more babies. So my great grandmother still had young children when she also gained grandchildren.

This is nature, it is only natural to feel the way you feel. I feel the same way. I think you just need to be gentle on yourself and know that this is natural, you’ve put your life and soul into motherhood and you always will but letting go of being together all the time is so very hard at the moment. I believe these feelings will calm as you adapt. Survival is all about adapting and you’ll do it but in the meantime, be kind to yourself and trust the process as they say! I have to remind myself of this constantly too as I watch my teens (16 & 18) strike out into the world alone with pride and admiration but also always treasuring the memories of those precious days when they were (pretty much) always with me. It’s hard!

I felt exactly the same.. l have two daughters.. single parent.. 8 years between them.. spent every waking hour with them.. they are now 38 and 30 and we still spend time together.. and guess what .. l thought l knew what love was with them two but then along came Grandkids.. they have blessed me with four Grandsons.. they are my world.. eldest is 18 .. youngest is 8.. l looked after them.. took them out.. and l still do.. all is not lost.

Me neither. At most I'd like to borrow a child to go into the Lego shop.

That's it. I am glad my son is grown up and doesn't need me as much anymore.

However, the emphasis is on "as much". Your kids always need you, just differently.

Get a grip.

My children are 4 and nearly 2, my eldest is about to start full time school and I’m devastated. I’m going ti miss gin beyond words and I have already expressed to my husband the fear I have for how I will feel as they get older. I do speak to a therapist and I highly reccomend it. I still feel the same but it’s really helpful to discuss these sorts of feelings.
no better advice but just I feel you. X

I feel exactly this. A slow, you can see it all coming loss.

The teenagers years definitely prepare you for it lol

I can't believe I have come across your post. I could have written it myself. I am such a cliché. I have poured everything into my children. Now they are launching and I have no idea how to cope. I am bereft. I know in my head it is insane but its where I am.

I really dislike replies that tell a poster they are being ridiculous. I think you have genuine feelings and concerns about the future when they won’t be such a big part of your life.
You are, however, in danger of spoiling the time you have left with them by this anxiety. I was convinced my children would not like me when they grew up, because of my own parents. I worship my children and my worry did play on my mind through their childhood.

I think there could be books that might help you get through this. I value every minute with my now adult children. We are like best friends, but we are not constantly chatting or visiting. Try to continue to be the best parent you can. Try to accept that as they gain independence they bring other things to you life.