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Original poster

Don't understand how you be happy after children grow up

455 replies

tikitikitembonoSaRembo · 14/07/2023 10:20

I know it's not normal but I can't understand people who don't feel this way, but I want to.

My two children are beginning to do many more things without me as they grow, want to be alone. I've realised I don't spend half the time with them I used to.

I was a very hands on mother, didn't work during the first few years, then worked around school and would take them out twice a week, spend Saturdays playing with them.

I even have things in my own life. I'm part of a local group which I love and I still work but I feel like my identity and life are slipping away and I don't know how to be happy without being my children's world.

Maybe I messed up along the way but it's this crippling depression.

I know I can go out, meet people, stay up late etc. as I become free of my children, but I don't want to be free of them. I should have had six and gave my life to it but I realised too late that I loved being a mother and only had two.

I'm single and I own my home so could sell up in a few years I suppose, but I don't want to, all our memories are in this house.

I don't feel my children are my whole identity but they are the best thing about my life and I don't think anything could trump it.

OP posts:
GSDmom · 14/07/2023 21:30

Op I feel for you. Dd is 9 months old and I had no idea how much I would love being her mum. The thought of her leaving me one day crushes me, I get in new to it, but honestly the thought of her not needing me at some point is just heartbreaking.

Bowbowbo · 14/07/2023 23:22

GSDmom · 14/07/2023 21:30

Op I feel for you. Dd is 9 months old and I had no idea how much I would love being her mum. The thought of her leaving me one day crushes me, I get in new to it, but honestly the thought of her not needing me at some point is just heartbreaking.

She’ll always need you, always. You’re her mum.

blueshoes · 14/07/2023 23:30

Just the circle of life.

Seashor · 14/07/2023 23:34

We felt a void when our child hit 20.
We adopted an older child. It’s been absolutely brilliant. The void has disappeared and we have LOVED being parents again.

Jojojojo55 · 15/07/2023 00:19

I could’ve written your post, I feel the same way, totally lost purpose and also hate getting older. It’s a horrible feeling. I don’t think menopause helps.

I have been working far too much, so maybe some time off and exercise will help

AmadeustheAlpaca · 15/07/2023 00:58

Roussette · 14/07/2023 21:03

So agree with your post. And the post you've quoted.

Show quote history

@Roussette thanks for your comment. Would have replied earlier but had things to do in the house. I miss when the children were primary school age and the chats we had walking to school and back, also the spontaneous fun conversations we would have when they were teenagers. I miss the family holidays we all had together. The children were, and still are, good fun and they’ve grown up to be mature responsible parents themselves. I just sometimes get nostalgic for all the magical times that won’t come back. I love the grandchildren to pieces but it’s not quite the same as I’m elderly now and the world has changed so much since my children were young.

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 15/07/2023 06:04

HeadNorth · 14/07/2023 21:06

Your children growing up is so fucking not like a bereavement- in fact it is the exact opposite.

Exactly! I don’t want to be the Feelings Police because I generally think people are entitled to their feelings but comparing the experience of healthy children growing up to them dying/a bereavement is so unbelievably self-centred and unaware.

Read some stories of the life-shattering agony of parents who’ve lost children to illness, accidents, suicide or crime then think hard about making that comparison.

Roussette · 15/07/2023 07:48

AmadeustheAlpaca · 15/07/2023 00:58

@Roussette thanks for your comment. Would have replied earlier but had things to do in the house. I miss when the children were primary school age and the chats we had walking to school and back, also the spontaneous fun conversations we would have when they were teenagers. I miss the family holidays we all had together. The children were, and still are, good fun and they’ve grown up to be mature responsible parents themselves. I just sometimes get nostalgic for all the magical times that won’t come back. I love the grandchildren to pieces but it’s not quite the same as I’m elderly now and the world has changed so much since my children were young.

Show quote history

So agree! Such nostalgia for when they were little, hard work but I harp back to those times because yes, it was magical. We took some footage back then on an old cine camera of DH's dad's ... and we managed to transfer it onto something I can watch now, and I don't get very far as I am in floods watching it!! so lovely.
As for GC, I live in hope! There is the possibility but by the time they get round to it, I'll be too ancient to enjoy it all 😂

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/07/2023 09:04

@tikitikitembonoSaRembo

you may not become a grandparent
your kids may not want kids. Or may not be able to have them.
so ignores posters indicating to you that being a grandparent will fill your void

Meowandthen · 15/07/2023 20:44

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 15/07/2023 06:04

Exactly! I don’t want to be the Feelings Police because I generally think people are entitled to their feelings but comparing the experience of healthy children growing up to them dying/a bereavement is so unbelievably self-centred and unaware.

Read some stories of the life-shattering agony of parents who’ve lost children to illness, accidents, suicide or crime then think hard about making that comparison.

Show quote history

Exactly. The drama is ridiculous. As you say, nothing like a bereavement and arrogantly self-centred to even suggest that it is.

HaveYouHeardOfARoadAtlas · 15/07/2023 20:52

Ha ha. Dd is 22yo and currently back at home and while I love her to bits I can’t wait for her to leave!

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 15/07/2023 20:57

I'm 43, my 6 children are grown and I'm freeeeeee!

Paxosnaxos · 15/07/2023 21:00

I echo what @MysteryBelle said. I just adored and still adore being a mother . I took great joy in babies, toddlers and small children. It was a magical time and I never really had that kind of worn out/frustrated feeling often described on this site. I’ve found teens more challenging but am getting into my groove. I can imagine feeling empty when the children move out but that’s just life isn’t it.

the important thing is to not make your children know that they are your everything. Have outlets

mbosnz · 15/07/2023 21:02

You find your way, surely, to be able to give your life meaning and enjoy it, before you had kids. So connect with your partner, friends, get some hobbies, you've still got work, maybe some pets - and your kids are your bonus interest and passion. Enjoy that they are going out, getting on, having their own lives, adventures, and experiences.

Enjoy it when they come home and tell you all about them, when they want your opinions, when they need you to mop up the tears, because it hasn't all gone so great.

Blossomtoes · 15/07/2023 21:13

I love having another adult to talk to, spend days out with, put the world to rights. It’s fantastic having the perspective of a different generation. Seeing him out in the world, living a life so different to mine makes me proud and very happy. There are huge positives to having adult children who choose to spend time with you and view you as a friend. You don’t lose them if you do it right, it’s just that relationship changes.

DreamTheMoors · 15/07/2023 21:17

Maztek · 14/07/2023 12:28

God I can’t wait for mine to leave 🤣

I’m the third of three.

My mum was like, “here’s your hat - what’s your hurry?” 😂

atthebottomofthehill · 15/07/2023 21:28

OP you need to speak to a therapist. There's clearly some underlying issues that you need to unravel. It's of course normal to feel sad and wistful when your kids grow up and to miss them but the strength of feeling you're expressing is extreme. Get some support, you deserve it

ThinWomansBrain · 15/07/2023 21:37

Be thankful that you have healthy children?
They aren't bonsai trees FFS
I'd you'd had children with a disability or SEN that you had to continue providing for and looking after through adulthood, do you honestly think you'd feel happier?

Floatlikeafeather2 · 15/07/2023 22:16

When I read your post at first, I assumed your children had recently left home or were about to leave. I felt both sympathy and empathy. I've been through all that, a long time ago. However, as I read on, I became more and more concerned. Your children are still very much children.They're 15 and 9! Your poor kids - what a burden to put on them. Your distress at their growing up is so extreme, there is no way the vibes aren't in the air and they will reach them, be sure of that. Your 9 year old has 9 more years at least before you would be expecting them to leave home. They're only half way there and yet you're referring to them as dying. For goodness sake, please get a grip and get some help, for their sake. Feeling you will miss your children when they leave home is completely normal. The kind of thoughts you are voicing are not.

UsingChangeofName · 15/07/2023 22:19

I've no suggestions op, its just something we all go through.

No, it really isn't.

The OP has finally admitted her younger child is only 9 !!!
The fact this is on her mind so much at this stage in their lives is really well outside the norm.

Mine are all in their 20s and all left as they turned 18, to go off to University. I was, and am proud of them, and excited for the next stage of their lives, and indeed my life.
We are still close. The relationship changes, subtly over time - as it has done as they move from babies to toddlers, toddlers to infants, infants to juniors, juniors to teens - but it can still be a wonderful relationship, as long as you don't smother them and burden them by making you their responsibility.

@5128gap 's post is excellent. If you don't work out how to get past this, your dc are not really that likely to want to spend time with you, once they are adults, other than out of duty.

Bellajac · 16/07/2023 08:37

MysteryBelle · 14/07/2023 18:47

I totally get you, Op. Those days when my son was little were so magical, I had euphoria after having him which lasted for several years, and besides that, it was just the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. It was so exciting and fun, becoming a mother, having a little one. It’s hard to explain to someone who has had children but never felt that specific heightened kind of joy or deep connection with their children. Of course they can’t understand it, and if they don’t have much of an empathetic nature or even a little imagination to kind of be capable of seeing another person’s perspective, they will be befuddled.

A lot of good posts on this thread. I agree with them all, think of it like a pp said, she is taking care of a 25 year old like a child, be very grateful that your children are able to grow up and become independent and pursue their life’s purpose. That said, I do know how you feel. I thought I was the only one, had never heard anyone talk about it. It is like a grief as another pp said.

They will always need you and you will always need them. Make sure you plan holidays and gatherings and times to talk or do things (without expecting anything much just in case, because you do want them to lead their own lives) to reinforce family traditions and keep a close relationship with them and their own future children, in other words, scheme out your ulterior motive of staying close (evil laugh ha ha ha!) Seriously though, you’re grieving that magical joyful time and I think it’s very normal, I feel the same way, and many parents do, to varying degrees. It’s almost like the closer to your kids and the happiest the time, the harder it is to have to move away from that. Just keep this in mind, what if they never grew up, what if you could make the decision to keep them small forever. Would you? No, you wouldn’t. You just wish it lasted a little longer, so did I, so do many parents.

Remember, you can have that all over again with their kids! So start planning now 😅

🌷

How incredibly patronising.

JMSA · 16/07/2023 08:41

I bloody can't wait to get my life back Grin
I feel for you OP, but can't imagine feeling this way. Just be proud of the fact that you raised them well and gave them the tools to do well in this world.

theresnolimits · 16/07/2023 12:12

Meowandthen · 15/07/2023 20:44

Exactly. The drama is ridiculous. As you say, nothing like a bereavement and arrogantly self-centred to even suggest that it is.

Show quote history

Thank you. Anyone who suggests their children growing up is ‘like a bereavement’ has clearly never suffered one. Especially of a young child. I have. This genuinely made me cry. What I would give to see him grow up and leave home.

JaceLancs · 16/07/2023 12:27

Both my DC are adults and over the years I’ve just found that the relationship changes but love is still just as deep
I had a bit of a wobble when youngest left home for university - went to see a friend, got blinding drunk and cried most of the night! Picked myself up and threw my energies into revamping the house to take my mind off it
Oldest is getting married soon and that feels like a big milestone but they left home a long time ago and we still see each other regularly and text/what’s app frequently
I enjoy my life, freedom and being on my own most of the time and meet up with friends when I don’t
It also helps that I am very fulfilled in my working life

Original poster
tikitikitembonoSaRembo · 16/07/2023 12:50

@5128gap
That’s brilliant advice. Thank you.
@Icannot I do love this. But I don't see anything coming close to my babies being around me.
I don't like online dating. I will try to get our more. This thread has helped.
I just feel like having babies and being a parent is so special that nothing can get close, it’s like a dysphoria.
@AlwaysTheSupplierNeverTheBride that’s actually a really good point but I won't be doing this. It's not like normal parenting. I have looked into it. It's not for me.
@squirelnutkin11 Thank you, it’s comforting to know people feel similar. It's also comforting to know that people can feel totally differently. I don't want to feel like this, it just seems nothing can compare to my role as a mother.
I do actually have a hobby and it's skilled and time consuming and exhilarating. I want to exist outside of motherhood and be a person in my own right again, but at the same time I don't want to, and I just can't fathom how it's possible. I know it sounds crazy but I'm just bearing all here.

OP posts: