Don't understand how you be happy after children grow up

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I know it's not normal but I can't understand people who don't feel this way, but I want to.

My two children are beginning to do many more things without me as they grow, want to be alone. I've realised I don't spend half the time with them I used to.

I was a very hands on mother, didn't work during the first few years, then worked around school and would take them out twice a week, spend Saturdays playing with them.

I even have things in my own life. I'm part of a local group which I love and I still work but I feel like my identity and life are slipping away and I don't know how to be happy without being my children's world.

Maybe I messed up along the way but it's this crippling depression.

I know I can go out, meet people, stay up late etc. as I become free of my children, but I don't want to be free of them. I should have had six and gave my life to it but I realised too late that I loved being a mother and only had two.

I'm single and I own my home so could sell up in a few years I suppose, but I don't want to, all our memories are in this house.

I don't feel my children are my whole identity but they are the best thing about my life and I don't think anything could trump it.

I used to feel like you OP but a few years on from feeling this, I got over it and now the mere thought of having a new born gives me the cold sweats.
the way to deal with it is to come with a 5 year plan. Some travel, new hobbies etc

It’s perfectly normal to reminisce over your kids being young and to feel a tinge of loss at their reliance on you but you need to allow your relationship with them and yourself as mother develop and grow and change.

i have two friends one late 50s other early 60s both have children in their 20s but who haven’t grown and developed in their relationship or role from when their kids were small. When they talk about their family and what they do
for them and what is expected of mum, it sounds like they’re talking about toddlers and their kids don’t bother with independence or contributing to the household or chores, washing, cooking etc they leave it all to their mothers.

Now I’m not saying you’ll end up the same but both these women speak like you do about their kids growing up (they ARE grown up) and they still claim they are needed to do the basics etc. You need to learn to let go little by little and take pride in their independence rather than cling onto them and how they make you feel when you’re needed.

It's probably more of an inherent issue than related to this. I just feel so much love for these babies I made, and just don't see the point of life if it's not focused on them.

I feel like I should have this life I'm looking forward to after they leave home, but I don't see it. I had them late so did all the things I wanted, and I don't want to do much. I guess I could just be generally depressed, I don't take any medication, I function fine, it's just these feelings.

They are 9 and 15 and both are spending much time with friends and in their rooms and I just don't feel like a full person. It's similar to those who can't be single maybe?

I like being single.

I just feel so much love for these babies I made...

Totally normal.

...and just don't see the point of life if it's not focused on them.

Goes off the rails a bit here. I can't help feeling like this is a self-esteem thing? Do you feel like you don't deserve to have a life unless it's focused on them? Think it's probably time for the old chat to a professional, either way.

Doesn't sound healthy, OP. I would echo the need for therapy.

I don't feel like you at all. I love my children more than anything but I very much value my own time. I'm immensely proud of seeing them grow up to beautiful and increasingly independent young people, and encourage their independence. I'm hugely relieved they don't shout for me every night anymore, can dress themselves, make their own lunches and take themselves to school and hobbies.

TBH I find people who live through their kids odd. It can't be very good for the kids.

They are 9 and 15 and both are spending much time with friends and in their rooms and I just don't feel like a full person

9 year old still need you round - so it's more of a transition phase which may be the issue - mind you at 15 I found I was still needed a lot sometimes and others not at all - it's not full independence more moving away still.

So maybe focus on you and your long term plans and hope it falls more into place emotionally as they do start towards full independence.

Could it be perimenopause combined with empty nest syndrome? Hormones being out of whack can cause depression symptoms.

I Love our children more than anything but I'm loving life now that they are 28,26 & 17
We have time to do what we want and enjoy time together.
Dd3 is still at home but needs us in a different way than she did when younger and the older two are both happy and settled with partners and full successful lives.
We are so proud of the adults/ nearly adults they have become and when we spend holidays / time together it's wonderful but we are happy that they head back to their own homes afterwards!
I'm sorry you feel as you do op but I think it's not normal to be honest.
As your children grow your relationship with them will change more than you can imagine (in good ways)but it never ends - just evolves.
Enjoy them now and in the future but don't miss now by worrying about Tomorrow .

I totally get you, Op. Those days when my son was little were so magical, I had euphoria after having him which lasted for several years, and besides that, it was just the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. It was so exciting and fun, becoming a mother, having a little one. It’s hard to explain to someone who has had children but never felt that specific heightened kind of joy or deep connection with their children. Of course they can’t understand it, and if they don’t have much of an empathetic nature or even a little imagination to kind of be capable of seeing another person’s perspective, they will be befuddled.

A lot of good posts on this thread. I agree with them all, think of it like a pp said, she is taking care of a 25 year old like a child, be very grateful that your children are able to grow up and become independent and pursue their life’s purpose. That said, I do know how you feel. I thought I was the only one, had never heard anyone talk about it. It is like a grief as another pp said.

They will always need you and you will always need them. Make sure you plan holidays and gatherings and times to talk or do things (without expecting anything much just in case, because you do want them to lead their own lives) to reinforce family traditions and keep a close relationship with them and their own future children, in other words, scheme out your ulterior motive of staying close (evil laugh ha ha ha!) Seriously though, you’re grieving that magical joyful time and I think it’s very normal, I feel the same way, and many parents do, to varying degrees. It’s almost like the closer to your kids and the happiest the time, the harder it is to have to move away from that. Just keep this in mind, what if they never grew up, what if you could make the decision to keep them small forever. Would you? No, you wouldn’t. You just wish it lasted a little longer, so did I, so do many parents.

Remember, you can have that all over again with their kids! So start planning now 😅

🌷

This is good advice, op, don’t miss out on the other parts of your children’s lives by pining for the past. And look at this time as being proud of every achievement they make in growing and becoming who they’re meant to be.

@BertieBotts also might have hit on something, empty nest plus hormones. It certainly has affected my mindset. The posters before that also have good insights and maybe a therapist could help too.

They will always need you and you will always need them

^^ This.

OP, it never stops! (in the nicest possible way!)

You say your life was empty before having children. Sounds like your children filled that void and your life is now as empty as it was before having them. That's desperately sad. Your sound overly dependent on your children and it sounds like pre-existing depression has been a massive factor. Personally I'd see your GP re treatment and counselling to work on your self worth and esteem. The extent of what you're feeling isn't normal ' empty nest syndrome '

Children grow up. It’s inevitable. There’s only one alternative - they don’t get to grow up.

Your description of watching your healthy children growing older as ‘feeling like they’re dying’ would probably be quite painful to read for parents who would give absolutely anything to be able to watch their children grow up.

I'm proud of the young adult dd has become. She's gone off to Uni and is working away for the summer, then has a holiday planned. I miss her, but overall I am so happy she has the confidence to get out there and live her life. It's what I wish for her. She keeps in contact, I see her reasonably often, she asks for advice and money. DH and I don't feel bereft - we planned holidays she'd hate. I see my friends. I keep busy with work. As other posters said already, teens have a way of being unpleasant so much that, much as you love them, sometimes you are ready for them to make their own way. Mine wasn't that bad to be fair.

I love what you wrote. Thank you.

It’s hard to explain to someone who has had children but never felt that specific heightened kind of joy or deep connection with their children. Of course they can’t understand it, and if they don’t have much of an empathetic nature or even a little imagination to kind of be capable of seeing another person’s perspective, they will be befuddled.

All discussions on MN eventually descend into " I love my children more than any other mother, and therefore I have the best feels." Do you not realise how pious this sounds? We all have deep connections and joy with our children. But not all of us want to be trapped in amber forever, like fossils. We want to move on, so they can move on and live their own lives, not orbit around us!

This is one of the best posts I have read on Mumsnet and sums up my feelings about my own children who are now grown up with their own children. Childhood can be such a magical time and I too miss looking at the world through their young eyes.

Hi OP my son is 12 and I can relate to a lot you are saying. It's definitely a transitional period for both of us. Feeling the shift is heart wrenching at times and visceral. My whole identity for the last 12 years has been wrapped up with the kids, I didn't mean it to just kind of naturally happened and I was happier for it. Find myself staring in to space quite a lot, wondering what to do with myself and not really having the mojo to bother. Currently having a few tests to see if anything untoward is going but do feel a bit lost with the changes, you're not alone!

So agree with your post. And the post you've quoted.

Oh OP I totally get you!
My oldest is 13 now. When he was about 12 days old I completely burst into tears one day & when my DH asked me what was wrong, I said that it had just hit me that one day DS would leave us! 🥲

Of course it's wonderful watching them grow up and have their independence. But they are my absolute world. And I will feel bereft when they leave. It will be, as my darling Mum said, when I left home, "the end of an era" and it's ok to feel sad about that.
💖

Your children growing up is so fucking not like a bereavement- in fact it is the exact opposite.

I don't think op needs counselling!!
It's perfectly normal to feel sad.
Some people are just more deeply emotional than others. And that's ok.

This really is not a healthy mindset. You should be more than just a mother so you need to expand your identity.

When he was about 12 days old I completely burst into tears one day & when my DH asked me what was wrong, I said that it had just hit me that one day DS would leave us!

That was just the postpartum hormone crash latching onto something random, though. If you'd continued to feel like that for months and years, it would absolutely have been a mental health issue.

Both DM and MIL described DH and I leaving home as a bereavement. It does sound terribly hard, but your reaction sounds a bit more intense than usual.

They're still young, not yet left home. Allow your relationship to keep evolving; model good, healthy relationships and keep talking and supporting them as they need it. Don’t become too intense or overly dependent on them; it’s not fair and will push them away.

Keep active and busy with work, pets, exercise and a social life, and if you’re still feeling really bad go to the see the GP- if it’s depression you need treating, and talking therapy might help.