Don't understand how you be happy after children grow up

[tikitikitembonoSaRembo]

I know it's not normal but I can't understand people who don't feel this way, but I want to.

My two children are beginning to do many more things without me as they grow, want to be alone. I've realised I don't spend half the time with them I used to.

I was a very hands on mother, didn't work during the first few years, then worked around school and would take them out twice a week, spend Saturdays playing with them.

I even have things in my own life. I'm part of a local group which I love and I still work but I feel like my identity and life are slipping away and I don't know how to be happy without being my children's world.

Maybe I messed up along the way but it's this crippling depression.

I know I can go out, meet people, stay up late etc. as I become free of my children, but I don't want to be free of them. I should have had six and gave my life to it but I realised too late that I loved being a mother and only had two.

I'm single and I own my home so could sell up in a few years I suppose, but I don't want to, all our memories are in this house.

I don't feel my children are my whole identity but they are the best thing about my life and I don't think anything could trump it.

You think they will not know you are unhappy.
They usually know

I don't get this at all.

Maybe my kids are too young (they are 14, 4, 1.)

But I've found every single bit of independence they've gained to be a blessed relief TBH. I love having kids, love having a relationship with them but the exciting thing to me is seeing them go out and do things, be themselves and interact with the world. I don't really like being needed by them, I always feel like I am messing this part up. I don't mind it too much when they are tiny and what they need is love and cuddles and milk, but once it gets further than that I just feel inadequate most of the time and being able to hand over responsibility to them for any tiny thing feels like a weight off my shoulders.

I'm not saying this to imply this way is better BTW, in fact I think I'm quite weird and maybe a bit broken. But you said that you wanted to understand so I thought it might be interesting to hear how it feels from the other side.

@MammaTo

do you have to dedicate your whole life to your kids though? Surely as OP is demonstrating that is just not healthy

How old are they? It's been asked a few times already but you haven't answered.

I’ve been in this situation, my life revolved around the kids. They’re married now, in their own homes and we still see each other regularly. It’s now my daughter in laws and sons that organise lots of things that we can do together as families, we have great holidays together, days out, barbecues, meals out, pub quizzes etc. Life still moves on and we all have different stages throughout our lives, you’re approaching a crossroads in yours. You’ve built the foundations, now they’re laying the bricks. Try not to get bogged down in the negatives and look at the positives, as they will be there you just haven’t opened your eyes to look for them yet. If you’re finding it difficult to see a positive way forward you may need to have a chat about how you are feeling with someone. Good luck.

I used to feel like this OP. From the moment they were born, I’ve had a ball with my DC, even through their serious illnesses and the collapse of my relationship with their dad. My favourite people to spend time with. Looking ahead back then, I couldn’t imagine my life without them with me. Yet here I am, the youngest is 27, they’ve all flown - and I’m happy. As other posters have said: I slowly got used to the idea; they keep coming back; I go stay with them. I enjoy time with them, and their wonderful partners, but in many ways I’m delighted I don’t have to live their daily dramas and challenges any more, which are exhausting and which they can handle perfectly well without me. I get the best of them, and can for the most part live my quiet little life in peace.

i felt like this for a while but mine are now a bit older, one at uni and another going off soon, and now i love my own time, mother nature has a way of changing the way you feel, trust me !

I didn't live/have a full life before children - I had my first when I was 20.

I have kind of developed a life around them. I did put certain things on hold. But they mutated into more interests - I have interests in psychology, child development, relationships, all of which are highly influenced by my experience of motherhood (though I suppose actually I've always had these interests).

If you don't have interests except for your children what do you do in the evenings when they have been in bed? What books/TV/etc do you watch or read? What do you do to socialise? What do you talk to your DH about? These are the places that I pursue my non-child-related interests (as well as my child related ones!)

I sort of understand this but then you just adapt to your hew circumstances. Eldest went to uni and is now going on a placement year. He doesn't want to be home and wants his independence and I love this. I love the man he is. We still have one at home doing A levels and I want him to have the same confidence to go out to uni and enjoy his independence.

I can't wait until myself and husband to go away together and things will be so much cheaper. Just paying for 2 - oh heaven!

As my dear dad said to me once...."Don't be sad that part of your life is over, be happy that you got to experience it. She (DD), has seen you as a mum, now let her see you as a person in your own right. Just because she is no longer with you, it doesn't mean she has stopped learning from you."

I remember it word for word as I wrote it down and I still have that scrap of paper.

@tikitikitembonoSaRembo I don’t feel this way, my children are 19 and 16. The 19 year old is at Uni in America so I see him for 6 weeks in the summer and 6 weeks at Christmas. We are a very close family. However I think the way you feel is perfectly valid. You will adjust in time I am sure, try not to worry.

My only suggestion (haven’t read every single post so it may have been suggested already) is that you get involved with children in some way. I know you said it’s only your own children you are interested in, I do get that, but I think if you got involved with new children you would gradually start to feel the nurturing instinct again as you spent time with them. Being a volunteer in a big buzzy school can be great fun, you would be around children/teenagers and I think this might help fill the gap. Don’t say no immediately, just mull it over.

For some unknown reason OP is refusing to tell anyone how old the kids are, which really makes the whole thread pretty pointless, as the thought of kids leaving home feels very different at different ages.

My guess is they’re either very young - primary school - and OP is worried we’ll tell her she’ll change her mind when they’re teens. Or they’re young adults, and OP is worried about being told she’s being crazy and she’s got to let them go.

How old ARE your kids, @tikitikitembonoSaRembo ?

For some unknown reason OP is refusing to tell anyone how old the kids are, which really makes the whole thread pretty pointless, as the thought of kids leaving home feels very different at different ages.

I'm thinking they must be newborns.

I wondered that but she says they’re needing her less. Maybe they’re on to solids now and need less milk feeding!!

My guess is they’re either very young - primary school - and OP is worried we’ll tell her she’ll change her mind when they’re teens. Or they’re young adults, and OP is worried about being told she’s being crazy and she’s got to let them go.

Primary school was the age I worried about this - and while I've enjoy their teen years despite MN dire predications I am ready for or will be for younger ones next stage in life .

I said something similar to my DMum and she said yes despite her whole identity feeling about us she got to that point. I think Mother nature has for many built in push out of nest program to slowly initiate.

My mum was like this

I did know and it caused me lots of issues so it's something you should think about addressing

I think seeing a counsellor would be a good thing OP. They will focus on you, how you are feeling, try to figure out where that's coming from and help you find a way forward. I can highly recommend it

Mine are 30s now and I feel blessed. I see them as a ‘job well done’ and now I have grandchildren to enjoy. They’re still a big part of my life as I an of theirs. As someone said ‘you only borrow your children’.

I have no idea how old your DCs are, but I am wondering if you are thiking this is what you will be like when actually it just won't be like that.

I felt like you. Honest I did. But the joy in seeing them forge their own lives, careers, friendships and now partners and moving into the next stage just quashed those feelings. You have to think that in your whole life span actually having to nurture and look after children is such a tiny part, you really must be proud of raising wonderful human beings and just let them go whilst revelling in the time you have with them as adults.

p.s. Children are very astute, they will pick up on it, unless you work hard at banishing those feelings, whether that be through counselling or whatever

That is beautiful. It made me well up! What a wise man your lovely dad was.

I miss my adult kids a lot but you know what it's like... they don't listen to a word you say (you think) but then actually you find they unexpectedly do!

TBH I'm dreading it but it's a rite of passage for them and me. Like you I wish I'd had more but that ship has sailed and I'm lucky my DC are both happy and
healthy.

I've been thinking about fostering is this something you might consider, OP?

To some degree I think you do, maybe it’s just whilst they’re really young (which is what I currently have, 6 months old) so it feels all consuming and takes up my days.

I still try and stay social and meet up with friends etc but luckily we’ve all had babies at the same time so there’s a lot of understanding.
Maybe it’s better worded to say you have to be very selfless when you have kids and put their needs before your own. If you’re tired or sick no one can do your job for you.

I was reading this thread earlier this afternoon, feeling so sad about my adult DC when I got a gorgeous message from DS2 telling me about some exciting plans and saying how much he loved me and how supportive I was. Just when I thought I was getting everything wrong. They do still love and remember us. Just we don't get to see it every day.