DH and maternity leave - Who is BU?

[ILoveBostonTerriers]

DH and I have our own business, I run the accounts side of it and he does the field work, we have a small team and our own office though I work from home 95% of the time.

We've decided that we want to start TTC soon and we had a big discussion about what a baby might look like for us.

It turns out that, although we would hire someone to help with the office when I went on maternity leave, DH wouldn't want them to do any of the finance stuff and as we pay weekly, this basically means I wouldn't even get a full week truly off. I said I would show him how to do it, but he's refused to learn or to really negotiate, he's just saying it's what I'll have to do to keep the business going and staff in work etc.

For some context, I don't love the job. It's hard and it's stressful and I was always operating under the assumption that I would get to be a SAHM at least for the first few years until the baby went to school. It has some good points, in that when a potential child was at school I could easily work school hours only and be there for them before and after. My friend was in hospital for a week after her baby was born, and I know that some people get HG in pregnancy so it seems totally unrealistic to me. I'm also worried that he will expect me to go into the office 3-4 days a week to supervise the new office staff we get. He didn't say this directly but I feel like it was implied.

Also, DH is a massive workaholic and expects that his life won't change, that he will be able to work as much as he always has and that I will do everything for the baby as I do everything for the home and family now. I feel like that would have been okay if I was a SAHM but not if I'm expected to carry on working too.

I'm having a massive reaction internally to this, it's seriously making me feel like I want to leave him and have a baby on my own. I'm aware that's probably an overreaction but it's been a couple of weeks since the conversation and I still strongly feel like that.

What do you think, AIBU?

As it stands the whole thing sounds silly. What if you are in a car accident and in hospital for several weeks, how does the company work? If there are no contingencies it’s not sustainable.

I do understand if your job was reduced to, say just payroll, you could definitely do that on the side while staying at home until children went to school, no problem. But again, for several weeks after birth, and indeed in general in case of accident/illness/incapacity/children get sick there needs to be suitable contingency in place.

Is it just that he doesn't trust someone to do the payroll? Would it be possible to outsource that for a few months while you are on maternity leave?

i think rather than the "i think thats what he thinks" you need to have a really clear cut discusion.

"You only need a few days off after giving birth"
"do you realise how much women bleed afterwards, that i might have stitches and be uncomfortable sitting down, that i might even need a C Section and be unable to drive?

"you can just take baby with you"
"do you realise how much they feed, how long it takes changing and comforting and feeding them, how hard it is to breast feed/ how labout intensive bottle feeding is?

ask him exactly how he thinks your day will pan out, from you doing night feeds, to you getting up and getting washed and dressed and baby ready, to you being in the office and feeding baby, to you coming home and getting dinner ready and you cleaning the house and you putting baby down and you feeding baby through the night.

it's also worth saying - ok, i am saying to you that if we have a baby together, i will not be returning to the office for AT LEAST X MONTHS , i will not be setting foot in the business unless there's an unavoidable emergency (so not just him not hiring someone). where does that lead us?

we do have an accountant who oversees everything.

There’s your answer. You take proper maternity leave and your work is subcontracted to the already trusted accountancy firm. Which is what your bloke would have to do if you walked under a bus. Nobody’s indispensable.

The original post plus all the updates - he sounds controlling and abusive.

he was ringing me while I was in the hospital waiting for the surgery, to "just" do this, or that. I had no time off at all massive red flag, run for the hills.

i agree with this.

I had a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.

my back was in a lot of pain from 8 weeks onwards and i had to have physio weekly. (Apparently this is v common due to ligaments relaxing in pregnancy)
I then discovered GD ran in my dads family and i had it 🙄

this massively reduced how much i could work as quick meals like a bowl of cereal, toast, sandwich etc were off the menu.
Then after making my omlette or whatever i had to take a 15-30 min walk for a combo of mobilisation for my back and reducing blood sugars for GD. This was 3 - 4 x per day For 25 weeks

My baby needed multiple hospital apps for various non life threatening issues.

Can you imagine that with your husband?

I think unless you want to give birth at your desk and underarm pass the baby to a live in nanny you need a long hard think.

@Blossomtoes @ILoveBostonTerriers
An accountant thats oversees still does not have account numbers, just a list of accounts. They do not make deposits and direct money around. They advise, business owners do the work. It is not as simple as turning it over to someone else.

In all honesty the OP and her husband need to talk more about what being a business owner/ SAHM looks like.

For me it looked like paid cleaners at home, in home child care for whatever I chose to use it for, work, recreation time for myself etc. I spent whatever time I chose splitting time with my children and working and that work sometimes looks like a massive stack of papers all over my desk but the banking and payroll was done. Filing, that can wait. I put limits on customer calls and email. 6am-6pm which is less than my industry standard. My husband and I do discuss work almost constantly. It is “our” life.

Overall if I chose to leave our business my husband would be sad but would carry on. However we chose our life and built it the way we wanted.

The OP needs to do the same.

Self employed often means working soon after having a baby. If it's a case of half a days work that can be done from home to do the wages it's probably doable - although worth having a plan in case you can't for any reason.

I wouldn't want to be doing any more than that for the first 4-6 months.

The more important thing is that it needs to be your choice - it sounds as though your husband is controlling you and you are worried about asking him for what you want. This sounds like a bad relationship. Having a child in this relationship will make you miserable especially if you don't have family locally. I would either get out of the relationship or, if you think it's not that bad, separate yourself from the business at least. The reality of having a baby is exhaustion and stress and lots of extra work, as well as the lovely bits. You want a partner who will team up with you and make it a fun adventure. Not someone who sucks all the joy out of it by expecting you to do everything or being too busy to join in

When you run your own business that's your baby when that business has employees the responsibility grows to include keeping them in work. You don't get sick days or holidays unless very lucky I think you need to review what you want and if this is the life for you

In terms of the business it sounds like you are being carried along by what your husband wants. If you have a business together I think your goals should be more aligned, you should be a team and equally invested. You don't enjoy the work, and you're not a partner or a director. So you're not on an equal footing, unless the shares are worth a fortune. You do sound like his skivvy and yes he showed no care for you while you were having an operation. I think having a baby with him would be utterly miserable if you continue with this set up, you will end up doing absolutely everything whilst getting no support from him. I think you need to talk to him again about what having a baby entails, what you want out of it. He should care about your happiness, but if he won't listen you need to consider whether you will stay.

At a minimum then I think you should look for another job anyway so you have a bit more control over your life and independence from him, important if you do leave him.

Tonight’s dinner conversation would be about my job hunt in your shoes, looking for a non shitty employer who would give you your legal maternity leave. ‘I’m just looking for someone who would give me the maternity leave they legally owe me. Not a complete jerk who won’t.’

but I’m serious about job hunting , you need your own job if you decide to leave this man who wants a baby to magically appear and magically be cared for while his wife/serf continues seamlessly to work for his business. DO NOT GET PREGNANT with this man who neither plans to help you keep the house in order or parent his own baby nor give you so much as a week off to GIVE BIRTH. DO

@jannier
yes- this is exactly it.
my read is that her husband is very invested and she is not. He would obviously field calls from the hospital IF he took time off for his own operation. I don’t think he is asking what he would not do himself but OP is not at that level of dedication.
It seems like a mis-match of goals

@jannier @Brooke321 it's definitely a mismatch of goals. He definitely would do what he asks me to do. He refuses to take sick days, doesn't take holiday days, he absolutely loves to work and takes a pride in his success. He works weekends by choice, does a minimum of 12 hrs each week day, he's always looking for bits extra he can do even if they're unpaid, he would love to talk about nothing else all day if I would let him.

For me, it just feels like any other job (in terms of how much I care about it, I want to do a good job at work but also I don't have the passion for it that he does), and I do sometimes feel a bit resentful that I was kind of talked into doing this. I knew what it would be like but he just wore me down asking me to do it. I wanted to make him happy and it does make sense in a lot of ways.

It didn't feel too bad when I thought we were building the business together first and then it would be my turn for my wants to be a priority, to shift the focus just a little bit. We will probably only have one child (if we even can, I know it's not guaranteed), and I feel so, so sad that he wouldn't even give me the opportunity to just have that initial 12 months to be with the baby. Out of all our lives, if we live for 70 years, I couldn't have 1-4 years of those to have my dream?

And again, it's not news to him that I wanted this, he is not morally opposed to SAH parents and it's not a financial issue. We could pay for cleaners or child care (not a nanny but nursery or a child minder) but I don't want to when it would end up costing as much as what my wages are. Why spend it on those things when I could spend it on not working so to speak, and be no worse off. It's because to him the most important thing is the business, it's more important to him than me.

So much good advice you have had on here. He has taken advantage of you and is now changing the goalposts utterly. Find a new job and then evaluate whether the marriage has a future. Just don’t get PG! Good luck xx

it's more important to him than me.

If that’s really and truly what you believe there’s no point in sticking around.

It's good you're having these conversations before you get pregnant.

I'd list out what you think is equal and fair during pregnancy, may leave and when you go back to work. This includes what you expect of him in regards to child rearing, housework, life work etc plus work.

If you can't meet in the middle you need to consider he's not the person you want to have children with

'It's more important to him than me'

Yes, you're right, it is and I'm glad for you that you're realised this, sad as it is, before you ttc rather than along the line.

@ILoveBostonTerriers
You are in a rough spot. I feel for you. I am equally dedicated to our business success as my husband even though I put in fewer hours. I also know that if I were to get a “job” elsewhere I would still not be having holidays with my DH- he wouldn’t take off.

We actually booked a trip once and I was fielding emergency calls from the office and insurance companies etc in the airport pushing a stroller and two toddlers dragging behind. He then had a massive equipment breakdown that needs hours of research to find parts and repair with him not on site. After that we decided to put in a pool- that is our summer holiday and we take a few long weekends here and there. It is less stressful that way. I also vacation alone with the children whenever I want. My husband would be a shell of the man he is if he didn’t do what he does so it is not a thought in my mind to want differently.

I also was bored out of my mind 6 weeks after giving birth so started bringing my baby to the office to do bits and my kids all grew up part home part office etc.

But as I have said many times- he supports that I work my way and he works his. It just happens that our goals are in sync.

Being a true full time SAHP needs to be joint decision so if you don’t work for the family business will that be ok? Or would you still need to find a job?

This. There is no way we could have afforded for me to be a SAHM - you can’t just presume that.

On the other hand, he is totally out of order with his presumptions on his your mat leave will operate. You need to make your view clear - very firmly. Tell him what is and what is not going to happen.

He works weekends by choice, does a minimum of 12 hrs each week day, he's always looking for bits extra he can do even if they're unpaid, he would love to talk about nothing else all day if I would let him

You realise he will give zero of his time either directly to your child or in supporting you to have time with your child or to yourself?

What happens if a friend wants you to go away for a few days? Any sane employer would approve your leave and bid you a nice time. I'm betting you can't just take yourself off on holiday with friends!

Just to add to the valid points around being a stay at home mum needs to be a joint decision. This is usually true; however a man who expects his wife to do all the parenting and all the housework and enable him to work and also for her to have a job and contribute financially lien the kids don’t exist and there’s a housekeeper is just a bona fide unredeemable asshole. No woman owes such a man, no woman has to give him input to her decisions re family life, he doesn’t give her input.

He refuses to take sick days, doesn't take holiday days, he absolutely loves to work and takes a pride in his success. He works weekends by choice, does a minimum of 12 hrs each week day, he's always looking for bits extra he can do even if they're unpaid, he would love to talk about nothing else all day if I would let him

What exactly is the point of being married to him, OP? You are just his support human to let him focus more on his work without distractions like cooking and cleaning up after himself.

He doesn’t want children or a family. He doesn’t particularly want you. He wants a cheap cook/cleaner/bookkeeper, and has twisted your arm into doing all of that for far cheaper than it would cost on the open market.

How on earth do you do payroll, including your own presumably, and not know whether you are employed or self employed?
Either you are employed, and so should be on your payroll system, paying yourself a weekly/ monthly wage, with tax, pension and NI deductions, printing a payslip, submitting the information to HMRC and the employer paying the relevant employers contributions.
OR you are self employed, and should be submitting an invoice for your work every week/ month, and hopefully getting paid more, as you need to set aside your own tax, NI and pension contributions.

It sounds like you have taken this job to help out, but you really need to know these things and be careful about it, or the company could end up with IR whatever it is looking into you for incorrectly dealing with self employed people, and a massive tax bill at the end of the year.

I’m horrified that he was calling you to tell you to do work when you were in hospital, that’s disgusting.

You need to be very clear with him about what you will do if you do have a baby and that he can’t bully you into just carrying on working. You will need time to establish breastfeeding, routines, family visits, any sickness in future. He’s likely to be deeply unsupportive from what you say. If your mh was poor after your operation, imagine home bad things could get with pnd/any issues post birth.

OP - my DH also works 12 plus hours a day, often weekends, has taken off sick once in 20 years when he was hospitalized etc. BUT
when our children had sports and plays etc he showed up ate with us and then back to work. Our kids knew when the phone rang to be quiet by age two. They have also come on business trips and gone to work with us since infants. They live different but richer lives in our opinion for the way they have been raised. Now our children are older 22,21 and 15. We travel to see our son play his sport at uni but the 3 plus hour ride is often work calls. We each travel separately with our children and each other from time to time now that our work has shifted in how we do it Post Covid etc. We talk throughout the workday about what to have for dinner, shows and movies to watch, plans for our home. Our work and home life overlap massively and we are a team. You need to either look at the business as a team goal. If he is not on your team do you want to be on his. If the answer is NO move on from the relationship IMO. Entrepreneurship is not for everyone- if it were easy everyone would do it.