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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and maternity leave - Who is BU?

343 replies

ILoveBostonTerriers · 14/07/2023 10:04

DH and I have our own business, I run the accounts side of it and he does the field work, we have a small team and our own office though I work from home 95% of the time.

We've decided that we want to start TTC soon and we had a big discussion about what a baby might look like for us.

It turns out that, although we would hire someone to help with the office when I went on maternity leave, DH wouldn't want them to do any of the finance stuff and as we pay weekly, this basically means I wouldn't even get a full week truly off. I said I would show him how to do it, but he's refused to learn or to really negotiate, he's just saying it's what I'll have to do to keep the business going and staff in work etc.

For some context, I don't love the job. It's hard and it's stressful and I was always operating under the assumption that I would get to be a SAHM at least for the first few years until the baby went to school. It has some good points, in that when a potential child was at school I could easily work school hours only and be there for them before and after. My friend was in hospital for a week after her baby was born, and I know that some people get HG in pregnancy so it seems totally unrealistic to me. I'm also worried that he will expect me to go into the office 3-4 days a week to supervise the new office staff we get. He didn't say this directly but I feel like it was implied.

Also, DH is a massive workaholic and expects that his life won't change, that he will be able to work as much as he always has and that I will do everything for the baby as I do everything for the home and family now. I feel like that would have been okay if I was a SAHM but not if I'm expected to carry on working too.

I'm having a massive reaction internally to this, it's seriously making me feel like I want to leave him and have a baby on my own. I'm aware that's probably an overreaction but it's been a couple of weeks since the conversation and I still strongly feel like that.

What do you think, AIBU?

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 14/07/2023 13:06

Do not have a baby with this man. He is not father material. He has shown you who he is; believe him.

billy1966 · 14/07/2023 13:06

TomatoSandwiches · 14/07/2023 12:53

It won't, it will never get better if she does this either.

He will be furious with her and try to sabotage her in any way, not doing any parenting, not giving her a break, not doing his share of household tasks, going out or away more often, never covering sickleave when the child is ill....

There are many, many ways he will find to destroy her if she does this and stays.

Show quote history

100% this.

Wait now for more claims of over reaction!

Men like this are clones of each other.

They follow a script.

They care only for themselves and protecting THEIR agenda.

They are invariably money orientated and tight.

The OP has mental health issues from his treatment of her after her operation.

She has absolutely no idea how her pregnancy and delivery will go or the health of her baby.

Having a child is a lottery.

I wouldn't share a dog with a man like this.

Brefugee · 14/07/2023 13:08

is he doing any succession planning for the company in case he becomes incapacitated? who can do the payroll if you're not there, OP? if i worked at his/your company i'd be worried.

Brooke321 · 14/07/2023 13:09

@Jigslaw @ILoveBostonTerriers
it really depends what type of help you hire. A bookkeeper- yes lots of theft and dodgy business. A larger firm, likely not, but they are probably very expensive and do more than the OP would need of certain things and less of others.

I would use a payroll service that is a separate payroll only bank account. Billing and receiving I would never let someone else handle. Other tasks- phones, messages, organization of schedules etc could be an office worker but would be overseen by myself and husband.

This was how we both wanted this done. It sounds like OP does not want to do this much. They need to figure it out but for us it works very well.

camperjam · 14/07/2023 13:09

I think if I were you I would get a job and stop doing anything for his business.
At least then you would get annual leave, sick pay and maternity leave.
He's so unreasonable but at least you found out before you have a baby.
There is no way the set up he is proposing will work for you.

Baisksomwms · 14/07/2023 13:11

Brooke321 · 14/07/2023 12:34

@ILoveBostonTerriers
Going against the popular opinion here. My husband and I own our own business with the same split of work. He is field/operations and I am office/finance. We have 3 children.

When you own your own business you really are never off. I was a SAHM who did the financial work from home. I would have been massively uncomfortable having someone else handle money accounts. Its a very personal look into not just the business but your personal financial life.

My husband is smarter and more capable of me to do both sides but he would have never seen our children if he did both jobs. He works 60 plus hours a week as it is. His work generates the money to allows me to be home everyday (bar a few times I need to do a few hours in the office to meet people). We have a cleaner and a child minder come to the house when my kids were small so I could do work and errands like hair or doctor appointments, lunch with a friend. I was also at every school function, able to have my kids home when sick without worrying about my job, and so many more benefits. It was worth every minute of not getting maternity or time off etc.

My advice if you decide you love your husband and your life- get ahead while pregnant and find more ways to streamline and automate systems so you can check up of things more easily. Get office help for non financial related items, but don’t let someone else handle your books

It's bad practice actually to have just one person handle your books...

britnay · 14/07/2023 13:11

You can't be self employed if you only have one employer.

mrssunshinexxx · 14/07/2023 13:11

Do not have a baby with this man if you want to be happy and give your child the best chance of growing up in a loving home with both parents

MadamPickle · 14/07/2023 13:12

I think you've got two problems - first off is a husband who is clueless about what life with a small baby is going to be like. Looking after a small baby is work. You can do it yourself or outsource it to a nursery/childminder, but it's still work and someone still has to do it. Whether he is literally just naive or whether this has more unpleasant undertones I don't know, but I agree with the others - do not bring a baby into this situation until you know. Otherwise you will be a married single parent.

The second is your job. It worries me that you don't seem to know what sort of employee you are or what you are entitled to. And not just for maternity leave, but longer. Have you got a pension? Is national insurance being paid to at least buy you years towards a state pension? You need to know this stuff and it needs to be in writing. It's especially important for women because too many of us are screwed in retirement.

moozles · 14/07/2023 13:14

Namechangedforthis2244 · 14/07/2023 12:14

I’ve run my own small business and I don’t think that a true mat leave is feasible when you’re the owner; much less several years as a SAHM so I do have some sympathy with your dh.

But, running your own business brings a level of flexibility which is impossible in an employed role and it has been amazing as the children grew - sports days, play dates, clubs etc are totally compatible with full time work in your own company in a way they aren’t elsewhere.

My advice would be to do some thinking about your future. Not just the first year but longer term. Do you want to work in the business long term? Or do something else?

Long term if you want to stay with the business you need to put your foot down and decide how you are managing your own mat leave cover without asking your partner to cover things. You have a clear separation of duties in the business already so that feels feasible.

In your position I would either outsource the payroll or change over to monthly. And I’d train both a current and new member of staff on all of the accounts procedures. And I’d aim for one morning a week (with baby) in the office to keep an eye on things over the first six months, with some childcare in place from 6 months onwards.

This!!

I work for the family business also doing accounts/payroll, when I had my ds I didn't work as I did previously but still went in and processed payroll albeit monthly. For me this wasn't an issue it was nice to have a change of scenery.

Also as above think long term, the flexibility that comes with managing your own hours, sports day, going into school to help, sickness. This for me outweighs anything else and I must admit I sometimes sit at my desk and think it must be lovely being an employee but then remember the benefits. There are pros and cons for all situations.

Hope this helps and gives a different perspective.

Yoyooo · 14/07/2023 13:14

Who does the work when you're on annual leave?

Wheredoistart78 · 14/07/2023 13:15

Open a new account that you use for wages only if he doesn't want new person to know what money you've got.

Realistically how long does wages take.

Saschka · 14/07/2023 13:15

I would have been massively uncomfortable having someone else handle money accounts. Its a very personal look into not just the business but your personal financial life.

Surely your business account and personal finances are kept separate?

Toomuch2019 · 14/07/2023 13:16

Having known someone in your situation I would say don't do it. Leave working for DH now while you have the chance or it will cause lots of tension in your marriage for years to come

Brooke321 · 14/07/2023 13:19

@Baisksomwms @ILoveBostonTerriers
even if that person is me.. obviously my husband also checks them and we discuss our finances almost daily. No thank you I won’t let an outsider handle my books.

In the early days of our business we were self funding it and our life from our savings. Our employees made more than us. We reimbursed ourselves vs taking paycheque. We have an accountant who dies checks periodically and helps us make decisions etc but the daily of how much money is in what account and how it moves around is and always will be us only.

AlisonDonut · 14/07/2023 13:22

britnay · 14/07/2023 13:11

You can't be self employed if you only have one employer.

This.

Not sure I can believe that someone who does the payroll doesn't even know on what basis they themselves are employed or not.

If they were self employed they'd be sending in invoices...and be paying themselves.

Brooke321 · 14/07/2023 13:25

@Saschka
of course they are separate- but when building a business we needed to put money in often. That came from our personal accounts. I would never want an employee to know that, start to think and wonder about what money is where etc. Our business is now off the ground and that no linger happens but its a habit that is hard to break. When building a small to medium business every penny feels personal. No one will ever look after your money the way you do. Business accounts are therefore an extension of personal accounts for our business in my mental space.

Fraaahnces · 14/07/2023 13:25

I honestly can’t think of any situation where it would be possible to have an equal relationship where my DH was my boss. He has made it very clear that you are part of his machine.

Lolapusht · 14/07/2023 13:26

MoonSea · 14/07/2023 10:55

Even if you don't have a baby it's probably a good idea to have someone trained up to do the payroll. What if you get sick or something?

Doesnt matter. As far as Captain Just Do This is concerned, there would be nothing that OP couldn’t do as everything takes just a couple of minutes to do. Do what if you’re ill? It won’t take a moment…

Baisksomwms · 14/07/2023 13:27

Brooke321 · 14/07/2023 13:19

@Baisksomwms @ILoveBostonTerriers
even if that person is me.. obviously my husband also checks them and we discuss our finances almost daily. No thank you I won’t let an outsider handle my books.

In the early days of our business we were self funding it and our life from our savings. Our employees made more than us. We reimbursed ourselves vs taking paycheque. We have an accountant who dies checks periodically and helps us make decisions etc but the daily of how much money is in what account and how it moves around is and always will be us only.

Fair enough if only both of you have the 'full picture' but what I was referring to was daily management, etc. Otherwise you create a single person dependency.

Of course, unless in the event of an accident or similar the other partner delegates other duties to do the financial stuff

Fraaahnces · 14/07/2023 13:28

Can you spell “Enmeshment”, Felicia?

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 14/07/2023 13:36

I wouldn't have a baby with a workaholic whether I worked in his business or not.

In fact we only tried after DH left an all-consuming job because I was not willing to be chief parent, cook and bottle washer. I took a full year off work and went back 3 days a week for the next 3 years.

continentallentil · 14/07/2023 13:37

You are both being unreasonable.

Him for expecting you to have no time off, and you for imagining you can be a SAHP without his agreement.

Obviously someone else needs to be able to do all aspects of your role, because apart from anything else, you could be too ill to do it. So if he doesn’t want anyone else having access to payroll, that’s got to be him.

Then you need to sit down and figure out - really down to the nuts and bolts - what you both expect.

Many people running small businesses don’t get anything like a full maternity leave - so 6 or 12 months you’d get in a conventional job may well be impossible - so what can work for the business and you both - 3 months off and then 2 days a week and 3 days after a year?? And what will he do to have more time at home.

There is something slightly childlike about your post OP. Do you know how healthy the business is financially? Are you involved in it all? It’s difficult to work with your partner, but even harder to
work for him. It sounds a little like you’ve fallen into him being the parent and you being the child in all aspects of your lives.

One part solution could be you getting a jo somewhere else (although you won’t get paid maternity for a while), but anyway it’s good you’re discussing it in advance. It might take a few conversations but don’t let it go - and accept that you will both need to compromise.

JaukiVexnoydi · 14/07/2023 13:39

YANBU - do not conceive a child with this man.
In fact, given that no form of contraception is 100% effective, I don't think having sex with him again is a particularly good idea.
He would be a terrible father and a terrible husband to have whilst struggling with the demands of parenthood.

If you want to be a mother, this isn't the man to be with for that. Consider whether you could be happy with him and just getting e.g. a dog or other pet rather than bringing a child into this dyfunctional setup. If that wouldn't be enough for you, you will need to find a different man. He won't change. Do not believe him if he says he will, he won't.

Brooke321 · 14/07/2023 13:41

@ILoveBostonTerriers
At the end of the day do you consider the business his or yours together. Do you like the financial freedom you will have from making your own hours as your children need you at different stages of life. For example summer holidays you can work a couple hours in the morning, and have the bulk of your days free with your children. Owning a business is not for everyone- nothing is regular. The time you take “off”
will need to be made up somehow either nights or weekends sometimes. Longer days during term time but the flexibility can be unmatched if you are on the same page. I was able to work about 25 hours a week by the time my children were in school because I worked hard to put systems in place to keep me organized. I am also very efficient and do not have office distractions at home.
IF you want this work it can- but as in all of life nothing is perfect.

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